To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

Facebook tells me that my old school bully is now a social worker - either she's changed or this is worrying!

@yonnie8
Well you are a CEO now and also a despicib!e person you should be ashamed of yourself.

@stonebrambleboy - I couldn't agree more. I also think the person she bullied who is now 'under her' at work absolutely despises her, but keeps face as her job is more important than calling out someone who has such little empathy

I've often wondered this. I was bullied badly at school and I sometimes wonder if they remember how bad it was or if they've sort-of rewritten history in order not to feel guilty.

I was bullied throughout my secondary school life and I always knew it had affected me deeply. I had therapy at age about 15 because of it and I distinctly remember my mum and me crying together on my bed because of it and how depressed I was. I would self-harm because of it.

I continued to have depression throughout my adult life, even now 20 years later. Recently I joined a school FB group because I had something I wanted to share (not about me but about somebody the others also knew who wasn't in the group). When I was writing my post I was physically shaking with adrenalin at the thought of having to post publicly on this group with so many people who were horrible to me for such a long time. Someone on here previously said speaking to their bully takes them back to being that younger version of themselves and it felt the same for me. It made it crystal clear to me that my feelings have not diminished over the years and I am still affected deeply by all the things that happened.

Only one person ever apologised to me and that was just a few years after we left school. But she wasn't even the worst. I wouldn't accept apologies from any of the others now anyway, not that I think they're brave enough to make contact and apologise.

I am living that life sentence due to their bullying, so I do hope they realise and remember and feel bad their whole lives too. They're getting no absolution from me.

And it has upset me to write about it, even though I haven't seen them for 20 years. Fuckers, they can do one for their "I didn't realise" mentality. Just shows how fucking shit they are they don't even know what they're doing.

It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

No. A certain percentage of people are sociopathic. They don’t know or care. You learn to avoid such people as adults.

And this is why rationalising or talking with bullies is idiocy. All sociopaths understand is their own pain. I taught my daughters to fight back and they never got any grief.

I think most bullies will have pardoned themselves. Just banter in their eyes probably. It was almost the norm in my school, nobody cared you just endured it. Teachers were just as bad. There was no one to go to. In my experience the couple of bullies who I saw at a reunion claimed they didn't remember me or my friend. Another one walked towards me and then stopped and walked the other way when she clocked me. I just laughed to myself and thought, yeah, carry on walking lady...

I joined in with some bullying in primary school. I had a very unhappy home life with my alcoholic mother and was encouraged at home to be horrible to people.
I was then bullied in senior school (and stopped bullying as soon as I hit secondary school and realised it was wrong).
I feel awful about it, and am a mum now and would hate my child to be bullied.
Bullies are very unhappy and often jealous. I was super jealous of the happy kids with happy homes. I guess I didn't know how to deal with it. When other children started bullying this girl I suppose I saw the opportunity to fit in.
As an adult I'm deeply ashamed and have been trained as an anti bullying officer at work as I feel strongly that it's wrong and so damaging. As I was then bullied in senior school and it crushed.my self esteem which was already low.

I was at university about 18/19 years old and had come into my own. I was quite popular with a good group of girls and boys from different courses. There was one lad who I lived with in halls and was on the same nursing course as me took attemption to me, I suspect and so did my other housemates that he fancied me but he was awful towards me, having digs constantly, making out I was stupid and thick. It was so bad I ended up reporting him my tutor who gave him a warning and told me he was on muitlple warnings for his behaviour on placement, hes a qualified a and e nurse.

I was bullied for 4 years during GCSEs and A Levels - not by children, by classmates, young adults who had the capacity to understand what they were doing, to know they were creating hurt.

I suffered, I was changed by that experience, it has affected my whole life since.

I'm angry at those people, I don't understand why they would treat another person like they did, I don't think a "bad home life" of their own is ever an excuse to react and take it out on some one else (if that's the reason for why they bullied me). I'm not actively angry about those people, but I certainly wouldn't forgive them, if they ever found me to make an apology - which I doubt, partly because I expect if they ever did remember me they would write it off as "just laughs, innit", partly because I can't reconcile any degree of self-awareness with their behaviour.

Yes, people do grow up and change - but I'm talking about 16 - 19 yr olds, people pretty much completed and formed by that stage.

Also, on the slight chance that they have changed enough to be aware of the harm they have caused, I'm not sure they deserve forgiveness and any relief from guilt.

@Thorinfling

The worst bully at the private girls’ school I went to also lost her mum to cancer just when she left school, she’d been ill right through her time at the school. I hadn’t realised it at the time, but when I was told about it afterwards, it changed my view of her completely and I had compassion, especially as she failed all her ‘O’ Levels (yes it was that long ago).

I have no idea how she is now, but I do think of her occasionally.

If you have been, or are, a bully, then I think you have to live with yourself. It must be hard to live inside their heads. Maybe it’s karma.

And no, there are no excuses that are acceptable.

I was bullied in school, and my son was. I had a terrible home life as a child, was a victim of abuse and bullying in my home and at my school, but never even considered that taking it out on others would make it easier somehow. Never understood that argument for bullies... Although I appreciate it's different for other people.

I believe that bullies have completely missed the point of life. Life is about relationships, about connections to other people or activities that make you feel alive.... Imagine for a minute that the thing that makes you feel alive is hurting someone else? It sounds awful. I'm luckier than they are. Much luckier than they will ever be. And I'm not just trying to sound cheesy or make some underhand dig at a bully who might read this. I truly believe it.

@Janegrey333 It isn't an excuse, and if I were to find out that one of my DDs was guilty of bullying, that's what I would make clear to them and support the school in whatever sanctions they imposed and give them consequences at home.

But it helped me to understand that there were extenuating circumstances and move on from my anger towards that girl who had bullied me.

@Mittens030869 yes, it was a weird experience when my bully apologised.

I was caught off guard as I hadn't seen her in years. Initially I had no interest in lightening her load and absolving her of her guilt as she was a right cow at school but her apology was really heartfelt and genuine, she was shaking as she spoke, so we left on decent terms I would say, but not friendly. Too much water under the bridge for that.

My mum still wanted to flatten her

My mum still wanted to flatten her

I must admit, I'd probably flatten the two shits that made my life hell for a couple of months at school, if either tried to speak to me now. I've changed, but they don't know that.

@jojomolo

I think the thing is the bullies are children too. Children make mistakes, they are egocentric and don't realise the effect their words and actions have on others. They can be easily influenced and carried along with things. They act out things they've seen others do without deep reflection. They can misread situations. Adults can do all these things as well but really, when we were children, were we not just all chaotically pulling levers and figuring out the world? I know I was. I was badly bullied at school but I don't think this means I know much about those people as adults, as I know how much I have changed and grown myself. We were all just children.

As an adult, I don't feel wounded by the words of children. Reflecting on those experiences, if I see them from the position of my adult self, I am not wounded by them either. I say this not to criticise those who are still caught in this emotional injury, but just to say it is possible to really properly get over bullying, as that's not an idea represented much on this thread atm.

I agree with you and you've articulated it clearly.

I feel it's probably too simplistic to suggest all bullies are awful forever and karma should get them and there's no excuse and no apology good enough.

Children and teenagers haven't developed good reasoning capacity yet and are often reactive and emotional. Many people don't realise the power they have over other people.

I was desperately unhappy as a teenager and the way I behaved towards my friends and family haunts me and keeps me awake at night. Many of those people are still in my life, luckily they did not write me off.

I was kind as a child and I'm kind as an adult. I lost my way as a teen.

I wouldn't bring it up with anyone for several reasons. It would seem self indulgent, I don't want to remind anyone and I feel intense shame.

I'm sure people gossip about my chosen career and how unfit I must be for it because I said X about Y when I was 13 but I'm extremely good at my job and it is valuable to society.

The people who comment that someone they didn't like as a teen is now a social worker/teacher/nurse how scary, do you not think about what it takes to do those jobs? Every job has weirdos but public sector is usually grindingly hard work, focussed on other people and it's not amazing pay. Maybe people learn from doing things they're ashamed of.

I would go so far as to say that people who have experienced hurting other people may be better able to understand how not to in the future. Compared with people who happily type 'Bullies are vile scum who never change' about the actions of children.

People who have owned up to bullying on this thread strike me as far more self aware and self critical than people making sweeping statements and hoping for bad things for people.

I don’t understand why some people are saying that children can’t or don’t feel empathy. Of course they can, and do!

Nor why people are saying that children don’t understand that it’s wrong and cruel to bully.

In the vast majority of cases, that is IMO rubbish.

They do it because they like it, or because they are kowtowing to a more ‘senior’ bully who they are secretly afraid of, in case they too become a victim of their cruelty.
I suspect that the second reason is not uncommon.

* I met the girl again about 10 years ago as an employee who was under me when I became CEO. We get along quite well now and never really bring up anyting about the past.*

You mean you don't say anything about what an arsehole you were to her and she has to keep quiet because you are the boss?

I don't know, there's just something really shitty about picking on a scholarship kid from a privileged and comfortable position like you had, that is worse than some of the other things mentioned on here.

I do think most Bullies dont overthink it and dismiss it as ' having a laugh ' - I don't think many are particularly sensitive but if they acknowledge it I think that's positive.

Those of you with people you know / friends making comments about bullying on social media - call them out on it.
eg ...Glad you are posting about this X - shows real self awareness as you were a bit of a bully at school.
Speak up.

It needs to be out in the open. Shame on this government for supporting Patel.

@standupsitdownturnaround

@jojomolo

I agree with both your posts.

People do change between the ages of 5 and 50. Of course they do. Also, someone can be more than one person - both at the same time and also over a period of time. The idea that bullies are awful children who turn into awful adults and never change is far too simplistic.

I was both bullied (at school and at home) and a bully. I’m haunted by the occasions I bullied people even though it’s over 20 years ago. But I suspect it’s not at all uncommon to have experienced both. So where do I sit? Goody or baddy?

@Sally665

I was bullied in school, and my son was. I had a terrible home life as a child, was a victim of abuse and bullying in my home and at my school, but never even considered that taking it out on others would make it easier somehow. Never understood that argument for bullies... Although I appreciate it's different for other people.

I believe that bullies have completely missed the point of life. Life is about relationships, about connections to other people or activities that make you feel alive.... Imagine for a minute that the thing that makes you feel alive is hurting someone else? It sounds awful. I'm luckier than they are. Much luckier than they will ever be. And I'm not just trying to sound cheesy or make some underhand dig at a bully who might read this. I truly believe it.

When I step back and look at my situation objectively I agree. Not always easy to do.

I think I now feel more angry at the teachers who let it happen, sometimes in plain sight. By letting it happen the victims were harmed but the bullies were too by being allowed to behave like that.

I don't think they are always aware of what they have done. I think at the time they justify their behaviour to themselves don't they, and that justification stays with them so they don't have to admit to the wrongness of what they have done. Because thinking, "oh themosthappy was such a miserable bitch at school" is much easier than thinking "gosh themosthappy was having such a hard time at home".