To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

I don’t but the “they didn’t know what they were doing” line at all.

I was bullied viciously from Y4 - Y6 back in the early 80s. The ringleader left me isolated and friendless for 3 years and the teachers did nothing.

A friend of mine bumped into this girl as a young adult and asked her about it and she said “oh it was all just a joke!” I wished I’d been there to hear her say that - I don’t think I would have been responsible for my actions.

I was, for a very short period of time (like a few weeks) at maybe 5 or 6 mean to a girl as part of a group. I have never forgotten that and have felt guilty and shit about it. Looking back I hate the way we must have made her feel. I was bullied when I was older (not badly) and I am almost grateful that karma came back but it still doesn’t wipe out that memory 40 years on

I went to a similar rough comprehensive, OP. Recently, because I friended a former teacher on Facebook, all my previous senior school acquintances have shown up as potential friends, including some who bullied me terribly.
What struck me most was that we all turned out decently -- all with jobs, most married with children, and that once we had children we became different people. It becomes difficult to imagine bullying someone, when you think what it would be like for someone to bully your child.
Funnily enough, my worst bully just friended me. Her message was all about how impressed she was by what I had made of my life. No message at all about everything she had done to me in the past.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

This won't be a popular view but in my experience as a teacher they often join the police or the armed forces.

Agreed. I had a dose of it from a specific person at school, until I flipped out and thumped them. They moved on to the next person and repeated.

They joined the Police.

I was bullied in yr 7-9 until I changed school. The bully was a 'best friend' who isolated me from others and we actually had a great time until she'd turn on a sixpence and lay into me. Got others to not speak to me.
Also bullied by sister and mates of a primary school friend. In my own home ffs.
When I changed school in yr 9 no way was I going to let anyone have power over me. Plus fwiw I was having a genuinely shitty home life, pretty neglected and emotionally abused. I wasn't a bully to others generally but stood by and watched while another girl bullied a kid in our history class, and I myself used to pick on and hurt a boy in my English class.
I regret it to the point where I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it- which I do fairly frequently. I no longer live in my old town and not on FB, left that town so long ago and connections have faded. So don't think I'm going to get to apologise.
Gonna have to NC in the morning now I've admitted to being such a git.

The boy my 2 brothers bullied on the way home from school, this was the 1960s so 'normal' 'banter', joined the police.
I remember being spiteful to another girl in my class in secondary with the rest of my friends, I didn't instigate it, we must have been about 14. I realise now she seemed confident and outgoing, we were just plain jealous.

I feel very guilty now btw.

I was bullied at school - there was one particular girl who made it her mission to make my life a total misery. I never thought much about her over the years but then I was doing counselling for other issues and my counsellor asked me about school and afterwards I went and googled her. She wasn't hard to find: she was a victim of domestic violence who ended up in a high profile court case (I won't say more as it is quite outing), she was about 20 stone as well, the press coverage painted a picture of someone with an outwardly successful life and utter misery in private. I was like for Christ's sake karma, take it easy! I would imagine that's not an uncommon type of story, I think a lot of bullies learn that dynamic at home and then carry it through their lives, either as perpetrator or victim, or both at times.

I bullied a girl in primary school, when we were about 10-11. It was about power and also, I hadn't discovered empathy yet. It just didn't seem bad at the time though I do remember the feeling of having won or being on top. I genuinely don't know how bad it was. I did have some sleepovers with her and we had a fantastic time. A few years later (aged 14 I guess) we ended up on the phone after a school friend died. I brought up that I hadn't been the nicest in school and apologised. She seemed surprised but clearly knew what I was talking about and said she really appreciated me saying that.

I don't know why I felt the need to pick on someone to make me feel bigger when I was younger. I'm a happy, lucky person with the kindest parents. I've never done it since and love meeting all kinds of people and make an effort with the quiet, shy and awkward people. I don't really understand why I was such a little bitch.

I was bullied at school and I was also a bully at one point. It was when i was very young, I dont even remember it but I remember my mum telling me when I was a bit older I made a certain girls life awful.

Although I'm pretty sure at the time my mum would have defended me like crazy to the school and I would have got away with it when really I would have deserved to be punished

I'd moved schools but we were going to the same high school. This girl and her group of friends hated me, I didnt even go to first school with her friends but she'd obviously told them. Luckily the school was big enough and it didnt matter as we very rarely crossed paths. I was in no way a bully by that point and I've never showed bullying behaviour since.

I do feel guilt though. Like I said I dont remember what I did to that girl but I feel guilty for it. I'd hate to make anyones life a misery.

A friend of mine (met as adults, didn't know her at school) told me she was part of a group of bullies who had a couple of other kids' lives a misery at school. She said the guilt still eats away at her - has done for a long time and is so much worse now she has a child of her own.

I think it depends, I've known bullies that ranged from just joining in to avoid being a target to potentially dangerous sociopath types. Most were just low level shitty people and I think a lot of these types might feel sorry for what they did but they feel far more sorry for themselves.

Bullies aren't happy people but people can change.

But the damage they do lasts.

I remember bullying a really lovely, gentle girl in my year at primary school. I feel utterly horrible whenever I think about it, and I've thought about her quite a lot over the last 30 years. She was being bullied anyway from about age five, I joined in because I wanted to 'fit in' with the others. The look on her face when it was happening to her makes me feel sick to this day. She was and still is a lovely person who is much stronger and nicer than me and most people in our year. I really do hope she's now happy.

I also used to make unkind comments to a boy in the year below me about his weight, and I had no idea they upset him so much until years later when he told me. I don't think I can ever apologise enough for that. I feel utterly gutted about everyone I ever hurt at school.

I was pretty badly bullied myself from age 11, with lower level bullying throughout secondary, and my self esteem has never recovered from it. I kind of feel I deserved it really. Not that bullying is ever ok but I think being bullied myself made me realise just how horrible it always is, and it meant I was much kinder and nicer to others as a result.

As for whether people can change, I can believe a primary aged child could grow and mature. By the time you're a teenager your personality is your personality. Maybe someone truly virtuous might try to change the more negative parts but I reckon most of us just get better at covering up the nastier parts of us or finding socially acceptable ways to express them.

I think many chdhood bullies are ashamed. Given how prevalent it is, and the proportion of bullied people/bullies on this thread, there must be plenty of ex-bulliea keeping very quiet as it is so shameful. I was both bullied and joined it with being mean to various kids at primary school. I feel terrible about my involvement and once saw the boy who was generally shunned and mocked working as a pub chef. I get much wanted to go to him and apologize for how he was treated by many of us but thought he might find that patronising or inappropriate. It was very much the overweight/unusual-looking or dressed kids that were mistreated and I now work in a field where I see the adult impact of bullying very strongly. I don't excuse it, but we were stupid kids and needed to grow up. I genuinely feel very guilty about it. The people who bullied me in a different school were equally stupid and immature and I imagine they have probably grown into decent people. It's a vile aspect of human nature. That was the 70s and it's a lot better now. My teens report much more anti-bullying awareness although of course it still goes on. And we've all worked with bullying managers...

Was bullied by an adult woman in her late 40s when I was "invited" to join a new "friendship" group (probably an inner circle but I didn't realise at the time! ). Each time the group went out she would mutter some snide comment at me so that others would not hear. After the fourth dog i challenged her loudly about what she had said so the others would hear. She went into some type of rage and physically tried to restrain me (I hadn't physically gone anywhere near her) typical DARVO stuff. Found out later that she was apparently working for MENCAP with vulnerable people as an anti-hate crime campaigner, which is concerning. Understand she has burnt through a few more jobs with similar charities that are supposed to care for vulnerable people. She came over as very petty, jealous of others and am sure was a school bully.

Dig not Dog!

There was an absolutely vile little chief bully (with her coven of acolytes) at my senior school. She was a tiny little thing, too, but with the most vicious tongue.

I’ve often wondered about her - she went on to be a teacher 😱 !!

I wouldn’t wish bullying on anyone, but if she did ever have kids, and they were bullied, it really would be karma. I don’t think there’s much that can make you as wretched as seeing one of your children very unhappy.

Absolutely people can change as I said I was a bully for a few months aged about 7. Never before and certainly never after and I honestly have no excuse for what I did I behaved abhorrently.

I was bullied at secondary school. Just comments about my physical appearance and singing songs at me. The worst culprits were actually boys, some of the girls used to join in too.

I have no idea about the home life of any of them, one girl who did it was deeply unhappy and had low self esteem though.

Never once have I recieved an apology from any of them despite having them all on Facebook when befriending everyone was the 'norm'. They would just post about their amazing jobs, achievements, children etc.. now in my early 30s I think if they would have felt any remorse they would have reached out by now, so one by one I blocked them on Facebook so they could never contact me. It released a lot of pent up anger for me, as I was no longer angry that they hadn't apologised, because they couldn't now.

I sometimes think of the girl that everyone used to take the piss out of at playscheme.

Looking back as an adult it was bullying behaviour but as a primary school kid, no one saw it like that. We didnt have the empathy to realise how mean we actually were to her. Maybe whoever started it was a bully elsewhere or had a bad home life or whatever but I can't remember who started it.

I wonder what's shes doing in her life and I hope it didnt effect her. I hope shes happy. If I saw her I'd say sorry but I'll never bump into her.

I think the thing is the bullies are children too. Children make mistakes, they are egocentric and don't realise the effect their words and actions have on others. They can be easily influenced and carried along with things. They act out things they've seen others do without deep reflection. They can misread situations. Adults can do all these things as well but really, when we were children, were we not just all chaotically pulling levers and figuring out the world? I know I was. I was badly bullied at school but I don't think this means I know much about those people as adults, as I know how much I have changed and grown myself. We were all just children.

As an adult, I don't feel wounded by the words of children. Reflecting on those experiences, if I see them from the position of my adult self, I am not wounded by them either. I say this not to criticise those who are still caught in this emotional injury, but just to say it is possible to really properly get over bullying, as that's not an idea represented much on this thread atm.

I was at secondary 93-98, was constantly bullied and couldn't wait to leave.
I've had 2 different experiences of bumping into bullies.
One was on a bus. She saw me and looked sick.
She sat in front of my seat and at first I thought she was going to be off. Oh no she wasn't. She turned and said she knew I may not want to speak to her and that was fine and if so to say so. I asked what she wanted. She said she now had two children, one of whom was being bullied and she felt she couldn't complain to school at first as she would be two faced. She said seeing the effect on her child made her realise how vile she had been to me and others and she felt ashamed. She said she knew it didn't stand for much now but she wanted to apologise. I accepted her apology.
The 2nd one was when Friend's Reunited was a thing. I got a message from a school friend on MySpace (that long ago!), saying have you been on FR recently and I said I hadn't as I found it boring.
One of the worst offenders for bullying me, in Primary and secondary had written "oh look, Millie is still a fucking nerd, sad bitch, why do you think anyone wants you on here you twat".
Bear in mind we were 25/26 so you'd think she would've grown up.
The thing is, this awful girl used to hit, kick and belittle me. She broke my nose by throwing a basketball in my face with force, then claimed it was accidental. She threw a tennis ball so hard at me she smashed my glasses.
The last week before we left to do GCSEs after PE she had come behind me and yanked my new, wasn't meant to take it to school, Adidas sweatshirt that I had tied round my waist. I had never had sportswear like everyone else so when my dad finally bought me one I was dying to show off but she yanked it so hard it looked a mess and I knew my mum would go mental.
So I turned round to see her laughing and I punched her square in the nose. I then ran all the way home.
Of course, despite her getting away with it for years her mum wanted me kicked out and the head was about to oblige despite me never having been in trouble and him knowing I had been beaten countless times. It was only my Geography teacher who stopped me getting the push as she said she had seen this vile girl pull at me top then fall over hence the nose.
So I replied to her "Me, a twat? How's your nose love?" She never piped up again.

An episode of that Mel Giedroyc/Matt Baker show 'The Gift' saw a bully reunite with his victim. They were both extraordinarily brave men, I thought. He'd very obviously changed.