To be upset for finding this out on Facebook?

[Greycloudofdoom]

I found out my best friend is pregnant through her Facebook post. She’s 12 weeks. She was one of the first people I told when I was expecting, and she’s my sons godmother. I haven’t and won’t say to her I’m a bit upset, but AIBU to be a bit miffed? I just thought she thought more of me than to let me find out at the same time as 500 others..

One of my best friends has just had her first baby. She told me when they began ttc, quite soon after she got pregnant, her shortlist of names. . .

I think when my turn I probably won’t tell her any of that till much later. Nothing to do with her, she’s amazing! I’m just more private and process things differently.

Some of my fondest memories I have are of the conversations I had with various people to tell them personally that I was pregnant. The joy. The congratulations. The relief after years of trying etc. Wonderful memories. That is why for me I would never do a mass announcement on the internet. It just feels very impersonal to me and I can absolutely see where you’re coming from OP. It’s a lack of human connection. Sending out a message into the void and staring at a computer screen waiting for comments etc. Not my style.

Wow I'm astonished at all the nasty repljed on this post.

I totally understand you OP, and I would be upset too. She probably didnt think about it upsetting people but I dont think it's fair at all.

I dont think you are being unreasonable and I am sorry so many people have sent you such nasty replies, take absolutely no notice, I'm quite sure you know it's not all about you and you still have every right to feel sad about how you found out!

Lots of love

I can see why you're upset. If we are all being honest with ourselves we all have certain expectations of how we should be treated and a certain view of where we are in the pecking order in the lives of the people closest to us and when others don't reciprocate it can be painful.

HOWEVER, it is also her DH choice as to how this news is delivered and to whom, and when you have situations like this usually the DH has some input into how the news is given out as they also have people in their lives who would be upset if they weren't the 1st to know so it's likely that after discussion it was mutually agreed that if it went on FB everyone finds out at the same time.

You may not play the one up game but others might so it's easier sometimes to do it this way and not play favourites.

YABU for assuming you are THE most important person on the list rather than AN important person. IMO family should always be 1st over friends unless you hate your family.

I hate FB and all SM.. Its the platform for sycophants.
I came off FB 5 years ago never regretted it.
Instead of having 300 "friends' that dont give a shit about me.. I now have 29 friends that do!...
Every one of those friends know when its my birthday without getting a reminder. Says it all

@GertieBassett

I hate FB and all SM.. Its the platform for sycophants. I came off FB 5 years ago never regretted it. Instead of having 300 "friends' that dont give a shit about me.. I now have 29 friends that do!... Every one of those friends know when its my birthday without getting a reminder. Says it all

BTW 25 of those friends are family members 😂

Yeah I can see why you’re mugged, I might be too. Perhaps you’re worrying that you’re not as important to her as you thought. If that’s the case I doubt it’s true- more she had her own plan of how she wanted things to be. Don’t worry to much just be happy for her.

We'll you said it. There's 500 friends to tell to. And who's to tell which friend to get the news first etc.
Announcing to everyone at the same time is most reasonable thing to do.
I'd say shed tell some of closest people and family first. Everyone else can find out at the same time as others.

I can see that you thought she would tell you because that’s what you did when you were pregnant, and therefore are a bit disappointed about that. I don’t think it’s childish, you’re just reacting to something and in time you’ll move on.

My best friend (and we still are) asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. Except before we actually arranged a date she went to see a work friend who was on maternity leave and she talked her in to visiting a bridal shop where she bought her dress. I was sad at losing out on that memory of dress shopping and finding something special, but of course like you will be for your friend, I was happy for her that she’d found what she wanted.

I feel for you op I really do. When my so called bff had a terrible labour / emergency c her hubbie could only take 2 weeks off work so I took a week off work to care for my god daughter and her. Whilst my god daughter may now be 11 and my daughter age 6, this so called bff only ever contacts me when she wants / needs support and has over the past 2 years arranged herself something for my birthday then cancelled at last minute really letting me down/ upsetting me. I get it. I would have been hurt too

Now I don’t usually reply on here much but I had to for this one. A friend (a now ex-friend) did something similar when she became engaged. My other friend and I were disappointed as we were very very close before. We hadn’t been in touch much over months before she announced her pregnancy with life being busy etc but nonetheless we had still been close - I.e. I was there for here through some deaths in her family.

Anyway, I eventually spoke to her to let her know I was upset and she said ‘I thought you’d find out through Facebook’...she then said ‘I don’t want anyone to steal my joy.’

Anyway, over time we became very distant And there were some more announcements that came her way that she didn’t update me on.

In the end I accepted that life had just moved on.

I would be really miffed too. You’re not being unreasonable. Facebook is so impersonal. It’s much nicer to tell people the news in person, or at least by phone call or personalised text. I’m really surprised by the number of comments saying you are being unreasonable!

Probably, objectively, you are making too much of it. She probably just thought she'd post it on fb and everyone will see her great news. But - I must admit that if it was someone I considered a best friend, I'd feel like you and my feelings would be hurt too. Maybe just think about your relationship and whether she thinks of you as her best friend in the same way you think of her. If you are sure the answer is yes, then I'd try to forget it and put it down to her being excited and momentarily thoughtless and just wanting to just tell the world all at once. And be happy and excited for her. Hopefully your closeness will continue.

Its a hard lesson when you think you are someones closest friend but their actions aren't mutual. In future do the same as her don't treat her special.

MN is an eye opener, no wonder some people are exhausted and so grumpy

between mothers and MIL who demand a named Christmas card
"best" friends who demand a written and individual announcement as they need to feel special at all time
Neighbours or family members who expect you to open the door and be happy to be interrupted whenever it suits them

Gosh so many precious people in the world!

Do you also except a specially made wedding invitation, or is the bride allowed to use her generic ones without you being offended?
Do you expect a new mother to contact you first as soon as she has given birth too?

Honestly sound exhausting. I am so glad I have real friends, not people who keep score of all little infringement and will sulk for the next decades!

Everyone is different.
I tried to tell one of my closest friends, tried to meet her, speak on phone, text her to catch up, over 6- 7 months and wasn’t asked once how I was or any interaction what so ever. She met other people the day after she pulled out a of meeting me (I know thanks to social media) so I told all my friends except her until I could get a hold of her, I knew what I was doing but was very hurt for a while by ignoring me. She heard it from someone else within 24 hrs. She was furious, sent me a pretty shitty message and was so hurt. She couldn’t admit to how she treated me for so long. I know she still holds it against me. But she was being a royally shit friend for 6 -7 months. What did she expect?

So, my question, is all ok with you both?

if you're old enough to have children yourself, you should be adult enough not to get overly concerned about whether you're the first person you bff gives the news to.
Sounds like playground behaviour.

Some weirdly unpleasant responses on this thread! I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP (so long as this doesn't lead to you giving her the cold shoulder or anything, which would be an overreaction). I'm sure most people with real life close friends might expect to be told massive news personally, rather than finding out of FB.

I'm sure most people with real life close friends might expect to be told massive news personally, rather than finding out of FB.

no, most people are not that precious and the importance fact is the happy news first, and to be told at all.

In any normal family, ok you would tell your parents directly, but I can't imagine your mum (or your dad) being miffed because you call the other one first and they got the phone call 3 minutes later!

Apart from your partner, no one normal is that obsessed about being "first" to know.

It's not unusual to have to tell your boss before friends, would some people really translate that as "you prefer your boss to me"?

Real friends call you to congratulate you and everybody is happy.

@peardrops1

Some weirdly unpleasant responses on this thread! I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP (so long as this doesn't lead to you giving her the cold shoulder or anything, which would be an overreaction). I'm sure most people with real life close friends might expect to be told massive news personally, rather than finding out of FB.

Agreed some very weird people on this thread.

Some people always assume the worst in people. I don't think the OP is expecting this to be about her or that she should be the one to choose how her friend does things.

There are certain people close to me who I would share such news with first before posting on social media (if I ever do that). I know my parents would be annoyed if I announced such big news on Facebook as they don't go on it much and would likely find out through a neighbour or someone else.

I think expecting to be told such things from people you're close to isn't an overreaction. But I also think OP like some have said maybe they were just overwhelmed with the number of people to tell and thought this would be the best way to get it done.

By supervisor recently told me was pregnant and said she thought it right we knew before she posted on fb for others, not family or work colleagues would know

The OP has not made this about her at all, people are totally missing the point. One of the magical things in life is sharing happy life-changing moments with the important people in your life. I would certainly be upset if I found out my best friend was pregnant via Facebook!! Relationships are about give and take, and finding out something like this via FB suggests the pregnant friend finds her best friend as important (or not important) as, say, her 480th friend on FB whom she has never met or met once on holiday 5 years ago.

I suppose because I grew up in the era well before social media, I feel the human touch is more important. This obsession with social media, having the most likes, being the first etc etc is unhealthy, and skews people's understanding of what makes relationships work in the offline world. It's not about being the first to know but it is about sharing the important events in your life with the people that matter. The OP is not being unreasonable at all.

I think that's really rude of her YANBU

The OP has not made this about her at all

The actual OP is literally written about herself, read it again.