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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset for finding this out on Facebook?

153 replies

Greycloudofdoom · 20/11/2020 09:04

I found out my best friend is pregnant through her Facebook post. She’s 12 weeks. She was one of the first people I told when I was expecting, and she’s my sons godmother. I haven’t and won’t say to her I’m a bit upset, but AIBU to be a bit miffed? I just thought she thought more of me than to let me find out at the same time as 500 others..

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 20/11/2020 11:01

I get why you'd be a bit hurt. I think it's more common (amongst my friends certainly) that people tend to disclose to close family and friends before posting on social media. Having said that, one of my closest friends (who I knew was pregnant) announced the birth of her baby on Facebook before telling me. I sent her a private message congratulating her and she immediately apologised for me finding out via social media and just said she was so excited she forgot to message me directly beforehand. I can totally see how that could happen and wasn't upset in the least. Perhaps your friend was the same? Just very excited and wanted to shout it from the roof tops!? I'm sure it's no reflection on your friendship.

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:05

however when SIL died BIL had announced it on facebook within minutes and before he’d even collected the DC from school.

I think someone grieving is allowed to deal with it in their own way.

I imagine if DH died I would find it easier to write a quick note on FB than having to speak with people and having to comfort THEM in the process. Obviously I would tell my own kids first, he's their dad...

So I think you need to try speak with the people directly touched by the news (your siblings if it's your parent, your kids.. ) but the news is the same for the rest of the world, and it's not up to the closest person to deal with everybody else's grief.

MustardMitt · 20/11/2020 11:05

She’s your best friend. I’m sure she did it this way for ease with her family members rather than deliberately trying to hurt your feelings.

I get why you’re upset, but try and put it aside.

gingerwhinger0 · 20/11/2020 11:06

It’s what it says about the friendship that’s the issue, not the news she’s sharing. I have had something similar happen recently from someone I regarded as a good friend and of course it’s entirely upto her how she chooses to share her news and I am genuinely happy for her, but seeing a fb announcement did feel like a bit of an up yours, when in the past we shared everything, so yes op agreed it does hurt.

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:08

It all sounds very childish and petty. SHE is your best friend, why can't you one of HER best friendS? Why do you need to feel you are the favourite and why is there any need for a hierarchy at all?

It's ok to be very close to several people, you can have 1, 2 even 3 very close friends, and very close siblings.

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:10

seeing a fb announcement did feel like a bit of an up yours Confused

unless someone is pregnant with your child, can't you see how much of a ridiculous over-reaction that is?

Why do you think someone's pregnancy is about YOU in any way?

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/11/2020 11:16

We told 99% on Facebook

Very dear close friends think 3 were told beforehand and my dad

Told all at 7w due to 10yrs ttc and 5 ivf and ‘if’ a Mc happened then all would know why devastated

Hope you called her and said congrats

NoCauseRebel · 20/11/2020 11:21

I think someone grieving is allowed to deal with it in their own way. It wasn’t just his grief though. He posted it on facebook before telling his own children, who had left for school that morning knowing that their mum might not still be alive when they got back.

Before MIL could tell members of the extended family.

I totally understand that an announcement on facebook would happen at some point, but not like that.

It was IMO pure exhibitionism on his part. He was seeing someone else within a matter of weeks and had her staying over in the house with the DC just eight weeks after their mum had died while still playing the grieving widow all over social media.

lljkk · 20/11/2020 11:23

You announced your pregnancy in your way OP, she announced in her way. Her decision shouldn't have been about you & your way of doing things shouldn't be interpreted as all about her.

GreySkyClouds · 20/11/2020 11:24

@Hiccupiscal

I told my dad first, before 12 weeks. He promptly went and put it all over Facebook. We fell out for a little while as i was shitting myself DC wouldn't stay put, Luckily pregnancy became DS. If I were to get pregnant again, you bet nobody would get "priority" information, and quite honestly, I wouldn't expect anyone to really be overly bothered. My baby, my family, my life.

YABU, she owes you nothing, you did it your way. She did it her way, try and put your hurt to one side and be happy for her, or decide you're not that bothered. Either one will do.

Agree with all of this as similar here.

But op, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be upset as she is your bestie.

Jroseforever · 20/11/2020 11:26

I’d be very very hurt

But it would never ever ever happen. I’d put my life on it never happening. I knew both my best friends pregnant on the day they found out. And vice versa

thecatsthecats · 20/11/2020 11:26

@PeggyPorschen

I am amazed how many needy and self-centred "friends" need to feel they are part of a special bubble and that they must be on top of some imaginary hierarchy.

That's not friendship.

And by experience, these are the least reliable people. I've found over the years that some people are your friends, and the bond exist even when you find yourself at opposite sides of the world.
Others only know you if you are close enough but forget or are no longer interested if they don't see you all the time.

Maybe reassess why you think you can't have a real friendship without your friend having to reassure you about your "special" friend level at all time? School days should be a long way behind you...

I had a bit of a rough time with one friend who didn't pick me as a bridesmaid. She wanted three bridesmaids, and had four candidates. I didn't make the cut. I'm not exaggerating to say that most of our close friends and even her mum were very surprised at the fact because they all commented so to me.

It was painful (especially since I get the feeling that she did so because her husband wanted a matching number of bridesmaids to ushers, and I wouldn't have excluded someone on such grounds), but I received very good advice at the time that I shouldn't put too much weight to what amounted to a single day out of thousands in a friendship.

I chose to have her as my bridesmaid a few years later, because my choice wasn't about point-scoring and making the same choices she did. It hurt that she chose differently, but I had to set that hurt against the whole picture.

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:28

He posted it on facebook before telling his own children
If they are old enough to have access to FB that's is despicable! And I agree it stains everything else he's done.

for the rest, I can't see the issue and never understand the competitive need to be the first to announce something, good or bad.

You see it even on this forum, people falling over themselves to start the first thread as soon as some celebrity dies!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 20/11/2020 11:28

Imagine thinking you have a right to influence how they announce their pregnancy.
This is not your news.

Crustmasiscoming · 20/11/2020 11:29

I wouldn't care at all. It doesn't mean anything. I'd pick up the phone and congratulate her.

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:30

thecatsthecats
bridesmaids are a bit different, you are very nice.

I would only compare the pregnancy announcement to the engagement announcement. Both perfectly suitable for social media without anyone feeling miffed or hurt.

mscongeniality · 20/11/2020 11:31

Op last month I found out my best friend of 25 years had had a baby and I didn't even know she was pregnant. We do live on different continents but to me there was no excuse as she had known about both my pregnancies. I'm in a bad state with post partum anxiety so I told her I'm happy for her but we're done.

Jroseforever · 20/11/2020 11:33

@mscongeniality

Op last month I found out my best friend of 25 years had had a baby and I didn't even know she was pregnant. We do live on different continents but to me there was no excuse as she had known about both my pregnancies. I'm in a bad state with post partum anxiety so I told her I'm happy for her but we're done.
How many times had you spoken to her during her pregnancy?
SpillingTheTea · 20/11/2020 11:33

I don't get why people think they are more entitled to know before other people.
Bloody ridiculous. Pick your dummy back up and get on with it and celebrate her pregnancy.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/11/2020 11:35

I've got a friend who after an incident where she had mentioned a life change (not a particularly big one) on Facebook got reams of texts from different people claiming they were offended she hadn't rung them first. She promptly announced that in future anyone who made her life events about themselves in this way would be the last to find out in future. (Shes very direct , and entirely wonderful with it)

She held true to it. In a few months something else occurred and she followed through. When challenged by a friend she pointed out that if they were so self involved their first thought was how to make it about themselves then clearly they weren't as close as they thought.

If your need to be special and important trumps someone elses life event then I would question why you are so needy for external validation.

mscongeniality · 20/11/2020 11:36

@Jroseforever plenty of times. This was her second baby, and I had made sure to tell her properly when I was pregnant. With my first pregnancy she was the second person I told after my husband. There is no reason for her to not tell me and I'm not in the right mental place to deal with the how and why at the moment.

gingerwhinger0 · 20/11/2020 11:36

@PeggyPorschen

seeing a fb announcement did feel like a bit of an up yours Confused

unless someone is pregnant with your child, can't you see how much of a ridiculous over-reaction that is?

Why do you think someone's pregnancy is about YOU in any way?

It wasn't about a pregnancy.
frolicmum · 20/11/2020 11:39

I see and hear you mama.

My two female cousins, my mother and I are in the same WhatsApp group chat. I had told my mum and my dad, siblings etc already that I'm pregnant, so I then announced it in our group and she then announced her pregnancy (4 weeks behind mine) to all of us.

I would have expected her to tell her mother and her sister in a different way than all of us at the same time but I don't think she thought anything of it if that makes sense?

It just goes to show that people are different. I hope you're ok though x

Jroseforever · 20/11/2020 11:39

[quote mscongeniality]@Jroseforever plenty of times. This was her second baby, and I had made sure to tell her properly when I was pregnant. With my first pregnancy she was the second person I told after my husband. There is no reason for her to not tell me and I'm not in the right mental place to deal with the how and why at the moment.[/quote]
You have every right to feel unsettled

You spoke to your best friend many times over the course of her pregnancy and she didn’t tell you what was likely the biggest thing in her life. I would wonder whether perhaps she’s my best friend but not vice versa

PeggyPorschen · 20/11/2020 11:40

It wasn't about a pregnancy.

My point is still valid.