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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many people struggling with life?

456 replies

Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 22:55

Not just due to covid, but it’s definitely been highlighted more recently....

But in recent years there seem so many more angry people, stressed people, depressed people, people that can’t control their temper, mental health issues, obese kids, obese adults, people who don’t look after themselves or their kids properly...

I know mental health services are woefully inadequate, but generally as a society we are talking more about mental health, provide benefits, charity support, free healthcare and so much more than in the past.

But more people seem to be really struggling in many different ways, health wise, financially, mentally, emotionally. Suicide rates are higher now than in the past (even pre-covid).

Did they have it right in the old days of stiff upper lip? And if not, why are things so much worse now when there is so much more awareness?

OP posts:
Tara336 · 23/11/2020 18:45

@shadypines i didn’t take the antidepressants as it was ridiculous to suggest I needed them, I told her the truth that life was good but I’m so tired and don’t know why. No blood tests were offered, though in all fairness MS wouldn’t have shown up in them anyway. Thankfully she retired not long after and as other symptoms began to show my new GP started tests. But I do genuinely wonder how many other people were prescribed medication or misdiagnosed

Runningdownthathill · 23/11/2020 18:53

[quote shadypines]@Tara336 that is shocking but not totally surprising at the same time. You would assume if your GP had talked to you a little about your life and perhaps done a few blood tests then common sense would have told them you were not on the verge of a breakdown!! It makes you wonder how many people out there are on tablets they don't need to be on, I bet it's a huge amount.[/quote]
Of course it is. Doctors barely ask any questions any more or try to diagnose . They just seem to hand out medication, even when it’s not certain it’s needed. They don’t seem to look for contraindications or look at previous medical history either.
As for referral to specialists, it only happens if you beg or insist. Sorry, I am a bit jaded.

Lardlizard · 23/11/2020 19:38

@bluebella4 I already do that but it doesn’t seem enough

Lardlizard · 23/11/2020 19:45

I agree plus drs and people want to medicalise normal thing like when you go through a breavement you grieve
You need to feel it and face it and try n get through but so many drs just get peopel in antidepressants
Rather than allow the natural grieving process to run

Not saying there isn’t a place for them at all
Just that we mediaclise normal human feeling and emotions
And difficult very difficult times

XingMing · 23/11/2020 20:12

I won't say anything except that my DMIL91 has been endlessly prescribed tablets, for every little thing. Until she went into a care home with a ruthless care co-ordinator, every Rx was just repeated. The care home manager has had her taken off most of her tablets, and she looks (from 300 miles away) so much healthier than she did six months ago. But, the dementia she lives with is advancing because that clock can't yet be turned back.

Ingvermama · 23/11/2020 20:18

I think that the stiff upper lip is the problem. My parents weren't very touchy feely, never said I love you and quite a lot of other things. This then comes out now due to the stresses of lockdown, causing me to crumple in a pile of anxiety and depression. This is the start of a new era where we have a chance to be kind and loving. Whether we will make the most of this chance remains to be seen.

Graciebobcat · 24/11/2020 06:12

Well said, me and DH have observed this a lot lately, it seems EVERYONE has to have some sort of 'issue'. It isn't fair on people who REALLY do suffer mental health problems when EVERYONE is depressed, when really they're just a bit fed up (which is normal) and when EVERYONE has anxiety , when they're a bit worried (which is normal. Everything has become a mental illness rather than just a normal state of mind to sometimes have.

Everyone can have "some sort of issue" though,why would you think otherwise? It's not those that bunch of weirdos over there in the asylum on one side and everyone else having great mental health on the other. Everyone needs to take care of their mental as well as physical health.

bluebella4 · 24/11/2020 09:00

My understanding doctors are medically trained not emotionally trained therefore when you present as having emotional needs they can only help by prescribing something to make you feel better.

Whereas you need to find people such therapist, psychologist that can help with your emotional needs, giving you practical psycho education and practical solutions. Doctors NEED to support and encourage this, more!

Grief is something people tend to try and "get over" but that is unrealistic. It's something that needs to processed, you have to develop a new way of being.

@lardlizard if you are unable to do this maybe seek professional help. I find therapy fantastic for helping me source a missing part in my life that I didnt know that needed found. If that makes sense. Seeking therapy does not mean there is something wrong with you it just means you need help figuring things out. Just my opinion.

Ddot · 24/11/2020 09:19

I think peoples expectations are higher now. Why can't I have everything I want, Why am I not as beautiful as her, why has she got a fabulous life and I dont. Years ago if you had enough it was enough

Happychristmashohoho · 24/11/2020 09:25

“My understanding doctors are medically trained not emotionally trained therefore when you present as having emotional needs they can only help by prescribing something to make you feel better. “

Yes and don’t forget, there have been many cuts to counselling and other therapy services and consequently there are very long waiting list for these now, with increased demand. Patients are often looking for a quick fix which this isn’t.

Our hospital employed one psychologist, who has now been let go so we do not have access to this now.

bluebella4 · 24/11/2020 09:46

@happychristmashohoho I find this so sad! I really dont understand why our emotional needs aren't being taken serious! If investment was applied there would be a massive reduction in other areas- especially with regards to addiction.

But then again people aren't willing to pay for therapy services either. Few people are willing to invest in their mental health and tend to want a quick fix or a magic wand.

Its down to people to look at their expectations and reality- be realistic! Also, as parents we need to teach resilience and emotional intelligence, I think this is so so important.

Lardlizard · 24/11/2020 10:28

@bluebella4 I’m all for anythig that helps so if it helps you I’m glad

But All I’m
Saying is people in general advise seeing the dr and drs advise antidepressants far to often
Rather than letting people
Build that resilience

Lardlizard · 24/11/2020 10:28

I’m not the Best at explaining it but I know what I mean. !

bluebella4 · 24/11/2020 10:51

When you have a mental health issue you are told you're sick and you need to get better. So who do you go to when you are sick- a doctor. How do we view sickness? You cant do anything about it but if you can you're limited. A doctor has a short period to assess (who then cant be emotionally available) it maybe easier to "fix" by handing out meds, which results in many dosages changes, medication changes etc with this a doc can make money on giving out his meds. I should mention NOT all doctors are like this! I come across many who support therapy and encourage their patients to seek other help before prescribing.

Our society needs educating. Our society needs more investment in our well being rather than who can get the biggest cheques!

I become so bloody frustrated with our government for being selfish f-ing twats for not providing funds and resources to families, parents and the people! There are many factors contributing to the struggle.

Historical
Up bringing
Lazy parents
People who refuse to take responsibility and push blame..

I could go on.. but we as people should be more responsible for what we do with our life.

OrraBoralis · 24/11/2020 10:52

I agree totally with @DayKay

Social media has hacked our happiness.
We all need good connections to people and social media makes us think we have when we haven’t.
We’re mentally overstimulated.
Our news feeds are full of the worst of mankind.
We’re also more disconnected from nature. Have you noticed that outdoorsy types are often a lot happier?
All the processed food that depletes us of vitamins and the sugar that’s ruining our health.
Many of us are not sleeping enough either (says I at 12.40am hmm)
So many people are angry and unhappy around us and it ripples through society.

This bit it from me....
My daughter is 27 and has many friends who are riddled with anxiety. One can spend hours and hours curating the perfect photo to put on Facebook/Insta whatever and if she doesn't get enough likes quickly enough goes into a spiral of anxiety. Several have body dysmorphia due to growing up seeing unnatural body images because of photo-shopping. It is so very sad to see young people being so messed up.

Cocomarine · 24/11/2020 11:19

@Lardlizard I don’t think the point at which to send people away to, “build resilience” is the point at which they’ve made it to the GP.

If your MH issues mean you’re in a deep hole, the time to build resilience was earlier. So that you have a rope and climbing gear in your back pocket, if you like. You can’t magic up that equipment from the bottom of the whole.

I have several GP friends who would despair at this view that all they do is hand out ADs and have no “emotional training”. Who is making the referrals to NHS psychologists and counselling services? Now those are woefully underfunded... but it’s not because of GPS don’t want to send patients to them!

My GP friend says they have a code on her surgery for a certain presentation of depression: SLS. It stands for Shit Life Syndrome.

I find talk of people “lacking resilience” to be in some cases just another form of victim blaming. For example - if you’re paying a huge % of your take home pay for substandard insecure housing, and you’ve been giving notice AGAIN with all the cost that incurs (let alone the practical and emotional difficulty) and you see no financial way out of this - ever - well, just how resilient should we expect one person to be?

Sometimes people face more than they can bear, and they crack. But it’s because of the weight of what they’re bearing - not a poor level of resilience on their part. Every person in my close personal circle who has MH issues today, has had to bear far more than I ever have (for many different reasons) and they none of them lack resilience.

Saying that people with MH issues need to build resilience sounds just like blaming their issue on them being weak, to me. And that’s wrong.

Lardlizard · 24/11/2020 11:22

Coco you are misunderstanding what I mean
But tbh is understandable as I’m not great at explaining what I mean

All I’m trying to say it’s normal for us humans to experience sadness great sadness
And it doesn’t always have to be medicalised

Runningdownthathill · 24/11/2020 11:46

Seeking therapy is much better than popping pills, but it is very expensive. If someone is on minimum income or none at all, seeking therapy is just not possible. Doctors don't refer as there are very limited services with long waiting times.

Runningdownthathill · 24/11/2020 11:51

Such interesting thoughtful contributions on this thread

Sitt · 24/11/2020 12:31

Completely agree with your post Cocomarine.

And also I know there are crap GPs but many are effectively providing mini counselling sessions in the short space of time that is an appt

TeenyTinyDustinHoffman · 24/11/2020 14:31

@TomHanksintheMoneyPit

I read a paper in an anthropology journal that calculated difference in price of various things across the decades.

The bottom line is that in our parents/grandparents day, essentials (like food, housing, and education) were affordable, and luxuries (like holidays and TVs) were very expensive.

Nowadays this has completely flipped. Housing is now so expensive as to be completely prohibitive to people of the same income level our parents/grandparents easily purchased a house with. There are all sorts of calculations online showing the real cost and cost breakdown between years in the past and now. For example calculating how many hours a man doing a certain job in 1975 would need to work per week to be able to afford to buy a three-bed semi, and the number of hours a man doing the same job in 2020 would need to be able to afford the same house. The difference is astronomical and literally impossible. (In America the same is true for education.) In the 1970s when my parents bought their first house you could buy a house with a small downpayment and easily get a mortgage on just a single salary. Things are very different now.

By contrast, luxuries are now relatively extremely cheap, which can be confusing to the older generation who are used to these things being expensive and rare, things you saved up for and had only rarely or possibly never. So because they don't understand economics, they blame young people for not being able to buy houses on the fact they buy mobile phones and Starbucks, when realistically even if a 20-something gave up all "luxuries" entirely and lived like a monk, they'd probably save maybe £2k a year which certainly wouldn't be anywhere near enough for a down payment, and that's if they could get approval for a mortgage and a willingness to take out a huge mortgage, which is unlikely.

There is a lot of truth in this. There are certain things, such as stability, decent education, good interpersonal relationships, enough nutritious food, among other things, which will give a person a good start in life, be beneficial to holistic development etc that should be prioritised. But, rents and house prices are sky high, libraries close, public transport is inordinately expensive. There is a massive disparity in education. More and more people lack basic skills. NHS waiting lists are getting longer. The job market is oversaturated. And things to distract you from this are cheap. Junk food is cheap so who cares if it's bad for you. Clothes are cheap so who cares if you only wear them once. Holidays (not this year, obviously) are cheap, toys are cheap... The things that are easily attainable are things which are going to give you a quick buzz, an easy distraction from the fact that you're paying off your landlord's mortgage and that you've left uni with 50k of debt.

It's

TeenyTinyDustinHoffman · 24/11/2020 15:04

Whoops, posted too soon.

It's anecdotal, I know, but I'm young enough to be counted as the younger generation. I was also adopted, as a baby, by a single, older woman on a low income. She was very much the make do and mend sort of woman and belonged to a generation older than herself. Pretty much everything was second/eighth hand, she used to darn my underwear, we didn't have a TV, food was mostly made from scratch, to give examples. We were not well off- she was providing for us, her elderly father and my younger brother (Also adopted). Any luxuries were saved up for in advance.

For my generation, the above is all quite unusual. I had a very Spartan, quite old fashioned childhood. However, I undoubtedly had a good one. I had calm and stability. There was value placed on education so that, even though I had a fairly standard state education, we were always encouraged to read, to learn, to be aware of current affairs, to think critically. I'm not sure this was a conscious decision on my mum's part but it has certainly paid off.

I have met my birth family. They are the sort of family who feature in the DM benefit bashing articles and I am certain of this because they have featured in a DM benefit bashing article.

As much as I loathe the daily mail, they weren't too far off with this one. Five children, not including me. Two of my sisters were pregnant before sitting GCSEs. One brother had a stint in prison, the other has never kept a job for more than a couple of weeks. With the exception of my eldest sister, each one has had more issues and mental health problems before their mid 20s than most people will have during their lives. Growing up, they had more toys, more clothes, more gadgets than I did. Income wise, my birth mum and step father aren't doing too badly. Step father's income was pretty decent, considerably more than adoptive mother's, both lived in cheap areas.
But, if you look at the usual factors between my birth and my adoptive family:
Neither owned their house.
Standard state education.
Income/number of dependants works out similarly.
All parents left school at 16.

What made their prospects, and their mental health, so much worse than mine and my adoptive brother's was not the fact that they were much poorer, they were not materially deprived. But they grew up in chaos because my mum (stepdad marginally better) had a plethora of her own mental health issues and lacked basic life skills. They never starved but lacked nutrition because parents didn't cook. They were always short of money because parents couldn't manage it. Nothing ever got done because parents were so disorganised. They did badly in school because my mum revelled in her "fuck it, who needs it" attitude to education...

Almost the entire family struggle and, although a bit of an extreme example, they are not too unusual. Their childhood was not abusive. Mostly, it was not neglectful. But it was in no way conducive to bringing up stable individuals.

TeenyTinyDustinHoffman · 24/11/2020 15:06

Christ, that was really long, sorry.
I know it's just one example but it's one that's (obviously) very close to me and I am constantly very aware how different my life could have been.

nannybeach · 24/11/2020 15:45

Yes, mental issues are more open these days, that's true. My DHs M walked out on her kids,went off with another man, there was no therapy in his day, so he had 40 years, of not trusting anyone,a lot of serious phobias, he couldnt't go out socially at all. Contrast, my ex H tried to kill me, DS was 12, I put him through therapy, which he needed. He does now suffer from anxieties and depression, so of course |I feel guilty staying with his D, (not after he tried to kill me)

LakieLady · 24/11/2020 15:47

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Late stage capitalism

This is the real culprit.

It's an absolute myth that the UK is overpopulated, or that there isn't enough gainful employment to go around in order for people to provide for themselves. Likewise the ridiculous situation we have now with the education/qualification arms race.

These things are all a natural consequence of a developed, free-market capitalist economy. The entire goal of capitalism is to produce increasing amounts of product or wealth, while simultaneously driving down the resource cost of doing so.

People are a resource in a capitalist economy, so its a natural consequence that as time progresses people are gradually devalued. Capitalism requires an over-abundance of labour in order to function in the interests of the wealthy who own the means of production, so less rewarding jobs, fewer of them, worsening conditions for staff, fewer recourse and rights for the workers, all of it is inevitable because the entire purpose is to produce more for less.

Mortgages are fantastic for capitalists. Why? because it creates an entire strata of the work force that essentially become salaried slaves. Margaret Thatcher new exactly what she was doing with Right-to-buy, and it was absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with elevating working people and emancipating them from rents. If you worked in a unionised industry, and your union calls you out on strike, it used to be that the union would give you a stipend to cover your rent and bills. That did not apply to personal mortgages, so suddenly, even when your employer is treating you like shit, you literally can not afford to strike else you lose your home.

All of this creates a completely grinding, soul-destroying rat-race. Still more and more of the wealth is ending up in the hands of fewer and fewer vastly wealthy people, yet rags like the Heil and utter scoundrels like Farage can't propagandise that it's all the fault of foreigners, the EU, and brown people arriving here on dinghies, and enough of the population are idiotic enough to lap it up, while still becoming ever more depressed in a dead-end job and struggling to pay their bills.

Great post, @XDownwiththissortofthingX, and I agree with every word.
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