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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many people struggling with life?

456 replies

Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 22:55

Not just due to covid, but it’s definitely been highlighted more recently....

But in recent years there seem so many more angry people, stressed people, depressed people, people that can’t control their temper, mental health issues, obese kids, obese adults, people who don’t look after themselves or their kids properly...

I know mental health services are woefully inadequate, but generally as a society we are talking more about mental health, provide benefits, charity support, free healthcare and so much more than in the past.

But more people seem to be really struggling in many different ways, health wise, financially, mentally, emotionally. Suicide rates are higher now than in the past (even pre-covid).

Did they have it right in the old days of stiff upper lip? And if not, why are things so much worse now when there is so much more awareness?

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/11/2020 00:45

I am so sick of hearing and reading constant moaning about life. It is as if people think the government have a responsibility to make them happy in any way they'd like to be happy.

sally067 · 20/11/2020 00:48

A decade of being under a Tory government is always going to be rough for a large part of society. Austerity, lack of public services/state support etc.

BluePheasant · 20/11/2020 00:56

So many things but I think social media is a huge factor. Yearning for the unattainable and losing sight of what actually makes us happy.

Staffy1 · 20/11/2020 01:02

Overcrowding. It increases quite markedly each year, at least where I live, and quality of life is reduced as a result.

Couchbettato · 20/11/2020 01:20

Feeling stuck in a live to work, work to live situation.

Poor job flexibility when it comes to families, almost looking down on the next generation of workers as not their problem, it's all the parents, poor parental support, austerity

FunkBus · 20/11/2020 01:27

I don't think it's that we're more miserable these days but that we're miserable in different ways. Also, as others have said, because we're more open about it, at least online.

Life was much simpler in the past. That probably made people more easily satisfied, but it probably also made people more depressed if they didn't fit in or didn't adhere to the status quo. For many, there wasn't any expectation that you could do much more than work and raise a family. Of course that's depressing in a lot of ways - there must have been a lot of 'what's the point' type feelings, but also a lack of anxiety. People knew their place, for wont of a better term. That was both good and bad. Now, we're fed this idea that even if you grew up on a council estate on benefits, you can be successful and rich. Of course, it's very hard to achieve so people end up depressed and anxious. They believe it's their fault for not working hard enough. In the past, you were a farmer or a labourer or whatever, and you didn't expect much more. Like I said, that probably didn't feel great either, but in a different way.

There is a lack of community these days too. My family, for example, lived in the same place for generations, never travelled more than 100 miles from where they were born, knew all their neighbours and so on - great in a lot of ways, a sense of belonging, trust and so on. But if you everyone knew your business, everyone was judging all the time. My dad had an affair and somehow that ended up being my mum's fault - some people were saying because she was a slut (nothing could be further from the truth), some because she was a prude. So people could be extremely judgmental and everyone was in your business all the time. And when my MIL had a miscarriage, she blamed herself. I was the first person to ever tell her it wasn't her fault. She told me so many times it was because she worked too hard/took some medicine/got a shock - always a different reason but always somehow her fault. And everyone just agreed, yes, it probably was. That kind of stuff was prevealant.

I think a lot of today's feelings of misery comes from an overabundance of choice. We grew up very rurally - you bought your clothes from the two or three local shops, or you occasionally went to the nearest big city (three hours away) and bought stuff from the big chain shops. That was considered a big deal for us. If someone went to the US and brought back jeans or Disneyland stuff - that was mind-blowing. They were the talk of the town (or at least their class.) Stuff like Mac make up or Seven jeans were like some kind of holy grail for us, the epitome of glamour. Now, I can buy anything from anywhere and have it delivered within a week or I can travel to New York relatively cheaply and easily. Of course, that's great in a lot of ways but it also takes up a lot of time and thought. I can spend days looking for a pair of trousers, only to order them and find they're too short/long/tight/loose or very often the material is utter crap. Then you have to send them back, re-order and the whole thing starts again. Even 30 years ago, it was like you have a choice of this or that, done. Much simpler but also more boring probably.

Then, as well as material items, we have all of this constant information. The news - constant bad news coming at us 24/7. When coronavirus started, I was checking 20 or 30 or 100 times a day how many new cases there were. 30 years ago, it would have been once a day when you watched the evening news. That is terrible for mental health. When you're trying to figure out baby stuff - so many different sources telling you that if you do this, you'll mess your child up, then another source utterly contradicting that. If you play with them too much, they'll be clingy. If you don't play with them enough, they're neglected. In the past - you learnt from your mum or sisters or aunts, or read a book. Now you look online and it's like endless information.

These last two link into this idea of self-actualisation, which I think is also a source of misery. It can be great to be able to express yourself freely, obviously. But these days, many people use their possessions/status to do this - for women, often clothes, make up, how they raise their children, their homes, what their children wear. For men, it's often their job, technology, expensive hobby items. Travel too - my parents never travelled further than France. That was normal. Now, I have friends that openly express amazement that I've never travelled to Thailand, as if, well, you're the sort of person who goes to Thailand, so why haven't you?...I definitely find myself falling into this sometimes, feeling like if I wear a certain item, I will become a certain type of person. And it's lovely to be able to dress however you like but when it becomes too much a feature of your life, that can easily lead to depression/anxiety. We worry constantly about stuff, I think.

Exercise is a big thing too. It was very unusual to own two cars for one family in the past. People would walk to work or at least the bus station. Children walking or biking to school was normal, even if it was a few miles (I walked three miles from the age of six, and that was considered normal). It gave you exercise and time to chat if you were with family/friends. It built resilience too because we had no choice, even if it was raining, we walked, because we only had one car and my dad took it to work. At the same time, people maybe had less time for things like going to the gym/hobbies like cycling and stuff like that. But they were more active in their daily life.

Nowadays, if someone gets wasted and smacks their wife when they get home, we consider that person to be abusive and awful, and for the woman to be in a bad place - in the past, that was just accepted (such stories were even told as something humourous when I was growing up.)

But of course so many things are better now too - better rights for women, for gay people, for people of different races. But even then, I think there is a disconnect, because we tend to assume that people are less racist/sexist/whatever, but they really aren't in many ways, it's just more hidden now.

Of course all of these things have all existed to greater or lesser extents in the past, but I do think that these days we focus a lot on ourselves, how we appear and what we own, and it causes a lot of issues.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 20/11/2020 01:35

@sparklepink

i think people are more disconnected to real relationships, friendships and suchlike. There is more pressure on people to achieve or own or have. Probably related to increased technology, social media and the like. Blurred lines between real life and work and screentime. Less time in nature. Bad habits endemic in society. And governmental and social policy widening the gap between the haves and the have nots. People turn to things that numb the emotional pain e.g. social media, technology, bad food etc. Plus the issue of the polarisation of society from youtube algorithms, facebook feeds pushing you further to either side of the fence.
This.
Blueberries0112 · 20/11/2020 01:38

Whatever you do, don't ask an conservative American, they would say they need God back in their life.....

Blueberries0112 · 20/11/2020 01:41

But if you ask me, people don't leave room for mistakes and allowing them to correct themselves.especially the internet. So they end up not trusting anyone

fallfallfall · 20/11/2020 01:56

I think many are too young to relate to the past post war 40’s/50’s where resilience was developed. My family history and passed down stories highlighted the benefits of being frugal and healthy in mind and spirit.
Austerity isn’t really the problem but consumerism is.
I agree overpopulation and not enough personal space is also problematic.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/11/2020 01:57

Life isn’t fair. And that is fine. We can’t all expect to have good fortune or be born into the nicest or wealthiest family.
And I think people understand that.

But when that unfairness is made worse because the laws and how they are applied target those that actually try to abide by the rules and protects the criminal then people start to struggle

Peakypolly · 20/11/2020 02:24

My grandparents grew up in absolute poverty and would be amazed at the standard of living most of us have now. They would be even more amazed at our expectation to be happy all the time and how little we work to achieve our aims
I don't think we can blame government, Tory or otherwise, because the struggles in life to which op refers occur in much of the developed world.

rainatnightlove · 20/11/2020 02:30

I think for me (21) growing up as a teen it was definitely social media and wanting to 'fit in' that made me unwell. I was diagnosed with anorexia and depression and still suffer from both now. Now as an adult I've actually deleted social media (Halo) and find the main contributors to my depressive episodes and panic attacks are thinking of the future finance and jobs wise. You need a degree to do so many things now a days, the cost of owning a house is almost impossible and the NHS mental health service is awful. Sad

Pyewhacket · 20/11/2020 03:29

I think people are less resilient and hardy than they once were. But then we are not the same country we once were. My grandfather was a Japanese POW but when he got home he signed on to go back down a coal mine. Physically unable to do this due to both his legs being deliberately broken by the Japanese he retrained as a teacher. My grandmother said he never complained or felt anybody owed him anything. That said he had nightmares every night for the rest of his life. The only person he turned to for help was my grandmother. An awful lot of women were responsible for helping their traumatised husbands cope. As well as raise a family , keep house and get out to work. My grandmother didn’t think for one minute she was hard done by or needed any help , nor did she think she was different to thousands of other women. They just go on with it. With coal fires, no central heating and an outside lav. I miss her.

decoratingnightmare · 20/11/2020 03:30

@FunkBus

I don't think it's that we're more miserable these days but that we're miserable in different ways. Also, as others have said, because we're more open about it, at least online.

Life was much simpler in the past. That probably made people more easily satisfied, but it probably also made people more depressed if they didn't fit in or didn't adhere to the status quo. For many, there wasn't any expectation that you could do much more than work and raise a family. Of course that's depressing in a lot of ways - there must have been a lot of 'what's the point' type feelings, but also a lack of anxiety. People knew their place, for wont of a better term. That was both good and bad. Now, we're fed this idea that even if you grew up on a council estate on benefits, you can be successful and rich. Of course, it's very hard to achieve so people end up depressed and anxious. They believe it's their fault for not working hard enough. In the past, you were a farmer or a labourer or whatever, and you didn't expect much more. Like I said, that probably didn't feel great either, but in a different way.

There is a lack of community these days too. My family, for example, lived in the same place for generations, never travelled more than 100 miles from where they were born, knew all their neighbours and so on - great in a lot of ways, a sense of belonging, trust and so on. But if you everyone knew your business, everyone was judging all the time. My dad had an affair and somehow that ended up being my mum's fault - some people were saying because she was a slut (nothing could be further from the truth), some because she was a prude. So people could be extremely judgmental and everyone was in your business all the time. And when my MIL had a miscarriage, she blamed herself. I was the first person to ever tell her it wasn't her fault. She told me so many times it was because she worked too hard/took some medicine/got a shock - always a different reason but always somehow her fault. And everyone just agreed, yes, it probably was. That kind of stuff was prevealant.

I think a lot of today's feelings of misery comes from an overabundance of choice. We grew up very rurally - you bought your clothes from the two or three local shops, or you occasionally went to the nearest big city (three hours away) and bought stuff from the big chain shops. That was considered a big deal for us. If someone went to the US and brought back jeans or Disneyland stuff - that was mind-blowing. They were the talk of the town (or at least their class.) Stuff like Mac make up or Seven jeans were like some kind of holy grail for us, the epitome of glamour. Now, I can buy anything from anywhere and have it delivered within a week or I can travel to New York relatively cheaply and easily. Of course, that's great in a lot of ways but it also takes up a lot of time and thought. I can spend days looking for a pair of trousers, only to order them and find they're too short/long/tight/loose or very often the material is utter crap. Then you have to send them back, re-order and the whole thing starts again. Even 30 years ago, it was like you have a choice of this or that, done. Much simpler but also more boring probably.

Then, as well as material items, we have all of this constant information. The news - constant bad news coming at us 24/7. When coronavirus started, I was checking 20 or 30 or 100 times a day how many new cases there were. 30 years ago, it would have been once a day when you watched the evening news. That is terrible for mental health. When you're trying to figure out baby stuff - so many different sources telling you that if you do this, you'll mess your child up, then another source utterly contradicting that. If you play with them too much, they'll be clingy. If you don't play with them enough, they're neglected. In the past - you learnt from your mum or sisters or aunts, or read a book. Now you look online and it's like endless information.

These last two link into this idea of self-actualisation, which I think is also a source of misery. It can be great to be able to express yourself freely, obviously. But these days, many people use their possessions/status to do this - for women, often clothes, make up, how they raise their children, their homes, what their children wear. For men, it's often their job, technology, expensive hobby items. Travel too - my parents never travelled further than France. That was normal. Now, I have friends that openly express amazement that I've never travelled to Thailand, as if, well, you're the sort of person who goes to Thailand, so why haven't you?...I definitely find myself falling into this sometimes, feeling like if I wear a certain item, I will become a certain type of person. And it's lovely to be able to dress however you like but when it becomes too much a feature of your life, that can easily lead to depression/anxiety. We worry constantly about stuff, I think.

Exercise is a big thing too. It was very unusual to own two cars for one family in the past. People would walk to work or at least the bus station. Children walking or biking to school was normal, even if it was a few miles (I walked three miles from the age of six, and that was considered normal). It gave you exercise and time to chat if you were with family/friends. It built resilience too because we had no choice, even if it was raining, we walked, because we only had one car and my dad took it to work. At the same time, people maybe had less time for things like going to the gym/hobbies like cycling and stuff like that. But they were more active in their daily life.

Nowadays, if someone gets wasted and smacks their wife when they get home, we consider that person to be abusive and awful, and for the woman to be in a bad place - in the past, that was just accepted (such stories were even told as something humourous when I was growing up.)

But of course so many things are better now too - better rights for women, for gay people, for people of different races. But even then, I think there is a disconnect, because we tend to assume that people are less racist/sexist/whatever, but they really aren't in many ways, it's just more hidden now.

Of course all of these things have all existed to greater or lesser extents in the past, but I do think that these days we focus a lot on ourselves, how we appear and what we own, and it causes a lot of issues.

Great post 👍🏻
BumbleFlump · 20/11/2020 03:34

My mental health state is clearly collaborated with my crappy mother who moved 100s of miles away when DD was only three months old - big massive fucking kick in the teeth 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes social media gets me down but I do try to see around the rose-tinted specs.

I also think that those with decent, supportive families would be less susceptible to being effected by what they see on social media so too.

burntpinky · 20/11/2020 03:40

I think part of it is this: when I was growing up my parents taught me (wrongly it seems) that if you’re a good person, try your hardest at everything abd do the right thing, then things will work out for you.

But life sadly just isn’t like that. As a PP said on first page, life can be unfair and often is, despite what you might do. And I do think kids should be taught that as that childhood idyll is something I’ve really struggled to get over at times.

Obviously nothing is helped by social media and everyone else’s highlight reel but you just have to try to take all that with a pinch of salt and not compare. For example, a family friend (wouldn’t really call her a friend of mine anymore but our parents are best friends), often posts pictures and comments on her life making out it is perfect (everything is posed) yet at our wedding only last year when she was 6 months pregnant, her husband was flirting with 3 of my friends and saying to them his wife was boring and he’d rather be with them! One in a long line of occasions when he’s treated her like shit (he is really horrible and she doesn’t deserve it) but on the book of face and insta-fake you’d think he was the devoted husband and father.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/11/2020 03:45

Social media. The have nots are bombarded daily with everything the haves have, on an international scale.

Instant gratification, everyone's a winner culture in schools & social media = no resilience.

The internet is in many ways a really really bad thing for human beings. Porn, social media, reduction in real face to face contact, these are all bad things on a societal level.

Not to mention it brings together people of extreme views (paedophiles, fascists, racists, sexists) so instead of being moderated by those around them as minorities in a small group, they are united & given a forum and a voice.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/11/2020 03:48

Bumble flump

True but it helps to have lower expectations. I never expected my parents to live near me, or provide any childcare, or support me financially as an adult. I know countless friends who've got really down by feeling disappointed by their parents not doing one or more of these, whereas I didnt expect it and have a happy relationship with my parents on that basis

Pyewhacket · 20/11/2020 03:55

I think part of it is this: when I was growing up my parents taught me (wrongly it seems) that if you’re a good person, try your hardest at everything abd do the right thing, then things will work out for you

Sure, you can be unlucky but I still think that is broadly true today. I also don’t think people really appreciated the effort and hard work necessary to succeed. They look at social media and the likes of the Kardashians and fail to realise that is just bollocks.

garlictwist · 20/11/2020 04:03

I think it's always been like this. It's just it's more talked about now.

malificent7 · 20/11/2020 04:16

I think it's the humsn condition to suffer hence religions like bhuddism that teach us to live in the moment and embrace change.
Ever read Hamlet? He was suicidal and naval gazing.
Of course modern life dosnt help but I hardly think it was utopia years ago. I often feel that rainforest tribes might be happiest on earth as they are so close to nature but i may well be wrong.

malificent7 · 20/11/2020 04:16

Human*

malificent7 · 20/11/2020 04:19

Also even people who are rich snd famous suffer...Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Whitney Houston, Princess Diana....yup...as a species we are never 100% happy.

Caeruleanblue · 20/11/2020 04:25

Constant global news, with film footage, just makes everything seem so bad. The most shocking images/stuff gets the most interest so is constantly peddled. Humans used to die in their thousands from horrible diseases, that was life, it's much better in the present time but only the negatives get mentioned.

The constant divisive wind up stories in the media - again they get the most clicks, such as accusations of racism, berating for not having the 'correct' views or voting for the 'correct' party. And this is only possible due to social media, giving everyone a voice, if you post 'I had a nice afternoon in the garden' it won't be retweeted but if you say 'cats strangled in local park' it will go viral.

I think more information is needed on dealing with anxiety, for example, more discussion, more information generally (before someone is diagnosed with it). I feel that they are treated as illnesses that randomly befall you, a bit like picking up long term flu, when ime they can be contributed to by your situation, life experiences, limitations, whether due to finances/social expectations etc. So you can help fix it by having support, and the knowledge, to deal with the causes, rather than being a victim of a random infliction, therefore unable to stop it.

We do seem to have lost the can-do attitude. Making something is rewarding in itself. People used to be called on to repair/make/build things more in the past, when 'things' cost relatively more. I wonder if getting to the next level in gaming gives the same rewards. I garden, for example, and though things often fail, seeing something you planted and cared for succeed is fulfilling and satisfying. This also builds your confidence. If kids are not called on to do stuff these days, except school, they are missing out on that feeling of reward for a good job done (even tedious jobs like tidying a room) and the confidence building that goes with it.

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