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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so angry about abortion

130 replies

FightingWithTheWind · 19/11/2020 11:25

I have found out I am pregnant, I have the contraceptive implant in my arm, this should not have happened. All the doctor can say is that no contraceptive is 100% reliable which I knew and I couldn't blame the doctor for even if I wanted to. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, my partner and I could not afford to move somewhere bigger unless we uproot our children, the eldest of whom is settled so well in her school and we would have to be moving much further away from our family and it would just be very unfair on the children we already have. As it is if we stay where we are we don't have the space for another baby and realistically we can't financially afford another baby just yet.

But I want this baby. I know it isn't the right thing to do, and I know that there are a million reasons why we can't have this baby and so I know I have to have the termination. I am just so angry. I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, I'm angry at my partner who doesn't seem particularly affected by this decision, I'm angry that implant failed even though I know it does happen. I'm just angry, and scared. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and tell the world how unfair it is but I can't and that makes me angry too. I feel like this is turning me into a very horrible person.

OP posts:
rivertoskateaway · 19/11/2020 11:31

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t have any useful advice, but hopefully someone will be along soon who does. Just know that you are certainly not being unreasonable in any way, and try to be kind to yourself whatever you decide.

Longtalljosie · 19/11/2020 11:38

I think the words that stand out for me is “I want this baby”. How old is your oldest?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/11/2020 11:39

@Longtalljosie

I think the words that stand out for me is “I want this baby”. How old is your oldest?
Yeah, to me too. Is there no way you could make it work OP?

**I'm not against abortion, I would just hate to think you may end regretting it

Tararararara · 19/11/2020 11:43

Urgh. I feel for you. It's a horrible feeling and especially as you want the baby. I do think the needs of you, your husband and existing children do trump that of the unborn one (as you also seem to feel) but it doesn't make doing it more bearable.

It's shit that you did what you could to prevent this situation. Unwanted pregnancies are always horrible and they never have a good resolution, it's just which one you feel is right for your circumstances.

However, if you feel you'll have long term regret about a termination, I urge you to consider some counselling before doing it.

Zoecarter · 19/11/2020 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MichelleScarn · 19/11/2020 11:48

Oh OP scream all you want, this is absolutely shit and awful for you. And I hope no-one is crass enough to berate you or be critical about you mentioning your friend, you are not a horrible person at all.

Ismellphantoms · 19/11/2020 11:52

I had a million reasons why I shouldn't have my baby. The thing was, I wanted it and feared how I would cope with a termination. It was the wrong time with the wrong partner who pressured me into abortion. I chickened out on the day. It was very hard, but I'm so glad I had my DC. I have a wonderful DC and the best DGC.

RatanPostmaster · 19/11/2020 11:52

You are so angry because you want this baby. Is it really impossible to fit in the baby in your current house? The anger will not go away when you have the termination. It might get worse. Your current children need a happy mum. They will adjust in a cramped, noisy house but will struggle with an angry, depressed mum. In your shoes, I would really think hard about a termination.
(I am not against termination. I'm very pro-choice.)

Opalwindfury · 19/11/2020 11:57

I don’t think you should “have” to do anything at all! It’s your body your decision for at least the first year of babies life you wouldn’t need an “extra” room but maybe can work on it after? You shouldn’t be forced to get rid of a child you want hun and I’m so sorry you feel that way. I don’t think abortion will solve your issues either it might give you more sadly and it’s better for you to be happy in a cramped noisy house and still be a happy mum than for you to be unhappy as your children need a happy stable mum.
I wish you all the best and at the end of the day it’s your choice not anyone else’s.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/11/2020 12:00

Scream all you want, OP - I can totally understand why you are furious with the situation and with the world.

I don't have any answers for you, except to try to imagine how your life will be in 5 years, for each of the possible choices you could make now. That might help make your path clearer.

PatriciaPerch · 19/11/2020 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleGwyneth · 19/11/2020 12:05

I'm pro choice but this doesn't sound like it would be your choice.

Is there any chance at all you could get a bigger place nearby? Bear in mind any future baby would be in your bedroom for up to a year to start with.

Suzi888 · 19/11/2020 12:06

So sorry, what a terrible situation.
Are you renting or mortgaged?
What does your other half think? Have you told him you want this child?

CovidAnni · 19/11/2020 12:08
Flowers You have a good three years before you need more space. I don't know how old your 'settled at school child' will be then. Would that be a better time to move? House prices are very likely drop by then, family support might sadly be less available or less important.
mushroom3 · 19/11/2020 12:08

Could you make it work for a while? Baby with you in cot. I know friends who have had three children in one room with either bunk bed and single bed or bunk bed with double on the bottom and separate duvets for two small children. You could look to move when eldest is getting close to moving to secondary. Maybe financing will be better in a few years. You say you want this baby and therefore I think you will have deep regrets if you don't.

2020iscancelled · 19/11/2020 12:08

I think you need to access some counselling before even thinking about making a decision.

This is a fear of mine too as I know another child wouldn’t be the right thing for me but the decision to and act of ending a pregnancy would be incredibly difficult - you have my sympathy and I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

Please ensure to access support before deciding

speakout · 19/11/2020 12:09

I would seek someone to talk to- talk to your GP or HV and explain the situation- they may be able to refer you for a few counselling sessions or an impartial charity who offers such a service.
I found myself in a very confused state a few years ago and counselling really helped me to see a clear way forward.

Nomorepies · 19/11/2020 12:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

brogueish · 19/11/2020 12:16
Flowers

That sounds like a really horrible situation and you sound completely torn. I feel for you.

Zoolally · 19/11/2020 12:16

Don’t rush to make a decision right this second. Take some time to think about what you really want.

I’m not against abortion at all, having had one when I was 19. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I then, unexpectedly, fell pregnant with no4 at 40. I contemplated having an abortion for similar reasons as you but I knew, ultimately, I would regret it. It’s hard and things are tight but I don’t ever regret the decision I made. It’s amazing how quickly we all got used to the change.

Redwinestillfine · 19/11/2020 12:16

There's never a perfect time to have a baby and you want this one. You don't have to have an abortion, you have a choice. It must have been a massive shock finding out your contraception didn't work. You are understandably angry, and I imagine scared. Babies don't take up much space though, and you don't know what's going to happen with house prices etc. You may well be able to move, if not kids adapt. It sounds like your partner needs to step up though op.

DryRoastPeanut · 19/11/2020 12:17

I’m totally for a woman’s right to choose but I’d never want to know that anyone was forced to abort a much wanted baby. Your baby, accidental or not, seems very much wanted!

It’s a bit irrelevant but one of my grandchildren was potentially going to be aborted, he’s the smartest, funniest, cutest and most handsome little guy ever.

You can make this work, life isn’t always easy. You sound like an absolutely lovely mum xxx Flowers

personwifemum · 19/11/2020 12:17

Agree, sounds like you may regret this, you must think this through and see if the options for compromise in the short term work for you and your family.

Branleuse · 19/11/2020 12:19

if you actually really want the baby, you have to find a way to make it work, otherwise youre just setting yourself up for finding it all traumatic and hard to get over. Certainly more difficult than finding a way of moving or reconfiguring your current accomodation

Original poster
FightingWithTheWind · 19/11/2020 12:21

Thank you for all your kindness and supportive comments, my eldest is 5 so in reception, we also have an 18 month old who I'm still breastfeeding so she is in our room at the moment, although she will be moved in with her sister soon hopefully. We rent and the flat that we are in is quite cheap for the area, it is very unlikely we would find anywhere bigger locally that we could afford.

OP posts: