so angry about abortion

[FightingWithTheWind]

I have found out I am pregnant, I have the contraceptive implant in my arm, this should not have happened. All the doctor can say is that no contraceptive is 100% reliable which I knew and I couldn't blame the doctor for even if I wanted to. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, my partner and I could not afford to move somewhere bigger unless we uproot our children, the eldest of whom is settled so well in her school and we would have to be moving much further away from our family and it would just be very unfair on the children we already have. As it is if we stay where we are we don't have the space for another baby and realistically we can't financially afford another baby just yet.

But I want this baby. I know it isn't the right thing to do, and I know that there are a million reasons why we can't have this baby and so I know I have to have the termination. I am just so angry. I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, I'm angry at my partner who doesn't seem particularly affected by this decision, I'm angry that implant failed even though I know it does happen. I'm just angry, and scared. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and tell the world how unfair it is but I can't and that makes me angry too. I feel like this is turning me into a very horrible person.

That must be so hard. Honestly, I dont thin Kyoto should abort a baby that you want. You could manage, it might not be perfect for the but really baby can be in with you for the first few years and isn't due for 8ish months anyway.

But its absolutely you're decision

@tootlemum my friend doesn't have more money, she is on benefits. I do acknowledge that it isn't fair of me to be jealous of her but I am at the moment. I would never let her know I feel this way, and she is a lovely person and she won't be benefits forever but I am jealous that she didn't give a second thought to how she could afford her children.

Damn. YOUR decision.

We have three children out of choice. We are fortunate that we are financially comfortable and pretty secure. It's only now that the eldest is a teen that I am understanding the magnitude of the long term impact that a third child has on a family, in terms of finances and, even more importantly, the time and resources we have available for each of our children.

I agree with porcupine that you need to think about the impact a third child would have on your family five, ten, fifteen years down the line - not whether you can fit a baby into a 2-bed flat.

You want this baby, you sound like you'd be devastated with an abortion.

Is there any way it would be possible to have it? Are your financial circumstances likely to be different in five years regarding career promotions etc?

Give yourself the time to think about every foreseeable outcome and if you can find a way to make it work, do.

OP take it from someone who has been there, do not go through with it if you want the baby.

It is so hard to emotionally get through otherwise. Even now, nearly 10 years down the line I get upset about it.

Is it a possibility to turn the living room into a 3rd bedroom/living room combo so your current children can share a bedroom and once your child is born you can give them the bedroom you have now, and once the 3rd child is older you could put them all together by getting 2 bunkbeds and get your bedroom back.

Living with the aftermath of a termination can be really hard, even when the woman absolutely, 100% knew the termination was the right thing to do and definitely didn’t want to continue the pregnancy.

Having a termination when the deciding factors were space and finances has the potential to make you sad and regretful for many, many years.

Being pro choice means advocating for real choice, and that doesn’t include choices you don’t want to make.

It’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be envious, it’s understandable that you are feeling frustrated rage. Feel ALL the feelings.

Loads of kids grow up in shared rooms in too small houses with barely a pot to piss in. Better that than growing up with a mother who is always wistful, regretful and sad.

Circumstances change. Life is for living. I was once a single mum to a toddler, living on a council estate in Hackney that was so notorious, you could just rock up and ask for one, no waiting lists. All because I didn’t want to have (a second) abortion.

The toddler is 20 now and at university and I own a little northern house all of my own. Money is sometimes tight but life is good.

You can make this work, and if you decide you don’t want to, then Mumsnet will handhold you through that too.

Unmumsnetty hugs

I dont know how pregnant I am unfortunately, I don't have reliable periods and I only took a test because I have been feeling extremely sick for a few weeks now. I am going to be having a scan early next week which might effect my decision. My partner seems to find it quite easy, he doesn't think it makes sense to have another baby now and so to him it's simple. We do want another baby, it would just be better if I could get myself some qualifications and better job prospects first because I dont have a very good job right now, we do mainly rely on my partner for money and I stay at home during the day.

OP, do get some counselling. you sound as if you feel absolutely trapped and you need to explore ways through this - there are some, I promise. Don't think you have to feel like this and just put up with it, bear it.

I have a friend who thought she "had" to get an abortion with her third, for similar reasons to you, and when she decided not to it was the most enormous relief. Babies are not easy, three children are not easy, but one way or another you have to make the right decision for you.

I am pro choice by the way. Which is why I think you should get all the help you need to make the right choice for you.

@FightingWithTheWind

Thank you for all your kindness and supportive comments, my eldest is 5 so in reception, we also have an 18 month old who I'm still breastfeeding so she is in our room at the moment, although she will be moved in with her sister soon hopefully. We rent and the flat that we are in is quite cheap for the area, it is very unlikely we would find anywhere bigger locally that we could afford.

Could you move to a cheaper area to enable you to get another bedroom? Where I live, 20mins up the road is considerably cheaper.

All I can feel from your post OP is the tremendous longing for another child and your feelings of sadness and conflict about that.
In your shoes I would have the baby. Obviously you must decide for yourself what to do but listen to your feelings, because if you have an abortion they will not necessarily go away and may become 'stuck' and magnified. I think if in doubt, do nowt and think about this for a little longer.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

don't rush your desicion, I agree with PP that accessing some sort of counselling would be helpful to work through your feelings and make the right choice, whatever that is, for yourself and your DC all of your emotions at the moment are completely understandable and justified. I'm sorry that your DP is unable to empathise with you in the way that you need. For some people, their way of dealing with any problems is to have a practical solution with no emotional response, which can be really hard to deal with when the problem is deeply emotional for you thinking of you

But I don't think some people give a second thought about having children? They just adjust and make things fall into place. Whatever worries you're having right now might not be so much later. You seem like you really want the baby but all the other things or problems are weighing you down. If you want it, keep it and adjust. If you don't then that's your CHOICE. I'm sure your friend has her own problems.

Don’t do anything until you are absolutely sure.
I assume you’ve already got clothes and equipment from your previous children and you breast feed. Are you sure you can’t make it work ?

OK I was going against the grain until I read your last post.

So I WAS going to agree with Porcupine, that the vast majority of people on here are going to tell you how you will manage etc, but that if you actually don't think you will, then sadness because you had an abortion is going to be easier to manage than sadness because you had a baby you can't really fit into your lives and is causing financial and emotional stress. You don't deserve that, your family doesn't deserve that and neither does your baby.

But having just read that you do hope to have another baby in the future, I've changed my stance. There is no easy time (unless you've just won the lottery) so although there may be an 'easier' time, there will always be something. On that basis, I would go ahead with the pregnancy and know that you will have to make sacrifices with space/cut corners for a while, but that once you are through it, you will have your complete family and will have done the hard part.

But there is no right or wrong. That's just the decision that I think I would come to given all the factors.

It’s ok to be angry, have you tried screaming in to a pillow? I don’t want to be patronising, this genuinely helps me.

“I want this baby” means that, to you, this baby is already one of your existing children, equal on your mind to your other children. That’s how you feel. My guess is that whatever hardships may come of having this baby, there will be greater hardship for you personally if you abort.
You absolutely have to explore everything properly and not let your DP put pressure on you.
I’m so sorry you’re in this dilemma 💐

the small flat is not really a good enough reason to not have the baby!

Put your 18 month old in with the other child - new baby can be in with you for a year or 2!

I don't see the issue?

Can't you put all 3 children in the biggest room in a few years and you and partner take the smaller one?

I have loads of friends living in tiny flats with kids.

I'll likely never have bigger than a 2 bed flat either - it's not something i'm angry about - I don't compare myself to anyone else!

I've learned to be really good at decluttering and used to living in a small space!

And who knows -maybe you can move in a few years

Well it sounds like you really want this baby. I think your circumstances are hard but I had 3 children under 2 and we lived in a one bedroom flat. Its not ideal, but you can do it with an eye to improve the situation.
As someone says, babies need very little. You are not starting from scratch and because you feel the way you do, I think you may break your heart over a term. You can make circumstances better in the long term.

Sorry in the long term.

I can't help thinking that if you just wanted 2, it might be an easier decision & although for a while your heart might rule your head...

But the fact that you want more-tbh I can't help thinking that I'd be doing my utmost to make it work.

I had a termination a few years ago. The pregnancy was unexpected (also contraception failure) and initially we were surprised and thrilled since we always wanted a third.
I would strongly recommend counseling to talk things through and help you make the best choice for you with the information you have now. It's a tough choice to live with either way but you can only do what works for you now. I will always feels sad and regret about having a termination but it absolutely was and still is the better choice for me and things have happened since that have made me even more sure it was the right thing to do. for you xx

If you want this baby you can make it work. Who knows what’s down the road.

Moving house and school is honestly not that big a deal for most children, especially at this early stage. If you want the baby, have the baby.