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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

so angry about abortion

130 replies

FightingWithTheWind · 19/11/2020 11:25

I have found out I am pregnant, I have the contraceptive implant in my arm, this should not have happened. All the doctor can say is that no contraceptive is 100% reliable which I knew and I couldn't blame the doctor for even if I wanted to. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, my partner and I could not afford to move somewhere bigger unless we uproot our children, the eldest of whom is settled so well in her school and we would have to be moving much further away from our family and it would just be very unfair on the children we already have. As it is if we stay where we are we don't have the space for another baby and realistically we can't financially afford another baby just yet.

But I want this baby. I know it isn't the right thing to do, and I know that there are a million reasons why we can't have this baby and so I know I have to have the termination. I am just so angry. I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, I'm angry at my partner who doesn't seem particularly affected by this decision, I'm angry that implant failed even though I know it does happen. I'm just angry, and scared. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and tell the world how unfair it is but I can't and that makes me angry too. I feel like this is turning me into a very horrible person.

OP posts:

Shetoshe · 19/11/2020 14:54

I don't know, unless it's going to tip you and your existing children into poverty, if you want the baby just have the baby. I had an abortion last year so I'm absolutely pro-choice. I was married, two DCs and comfortable financially I simply didn't want another baby. I have no regrets at all and think it was the right decision but I never wanted the baby hence no regrets.

I would be very cautious here, grab a pen and paper. Write out all the pros and cons (although no doubt you've probably done this) write out how you'd cope practically, financially etc. if you were to go ahead with the pregnancy, just make sure you've explored every possible option before you make that appointment. If it's still not do-able without turmoil to the other family members then go ahead and try to be pragmatic about it/keep that in mind.

YANBU to be angry. It's such a shitty position to find yourself in. I too was furious about the contraception failure. If you do go ahead with a termination just know that, while obviously it's not a pleasant thing to go through, it doesn't have to be traumatic/painful/leave lasting regret.

Yeahnahmum · 19/11/2020 14:55

3 kids can share.
Get a bunk bed for the other ones

If you want this baby. Youcan have it.
But look unto the 100% reliable contraception though.. (i never knew there is even such a thing. I thought they were like 99.9%) because what if it was a faulty one. Or wrongly placed or whatever. Yu need to protect yourself.

Take time. Think.
And 3 kids in 1 room is so douable. Really

likely · 19/11/2020 15:10

If you want the baby you will make it work. It might not be the ideal time now but things change. If you don't want the baby then that's fine too. But if you do, just go for it, you'll figure it out.

unmarkedbythat · 19/11/2020 15:11

@Porcupineinwaiting

FWIW I think it's much better to regret an abortion that to regret a child. None of the people on here telling you that "there's always a way to make it work" will be there offering money or space or time when it just - doesn't.

If you would like this child then think about what having it will mean for your life (your own and your family's) right now, next year, in 5 years. Maybe you can find a way of making it work. At any rate it's a myth that choosing to terminate means it will be easy or not upsetting, that's not always the case.

Absolutely this.

Also, comments like My guess is that whatever hardships may come of having this baby, there will be greater hardship for you personally if you abort. make me want to scream.

Cony95 · 19/11/2020 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudyVanilla · 19/11/2020 15:23

Hi OP,

I'm sorry I haven't read your whole thread and all your replies but just wanted to offer some supper and solidarity. I also found out I was pregnant, on contraception, with an unplanned third little baby. We also live in a 2 bedroom place and I initially felt like we just couldn't cope.

But I just couldn't abort my baby. I knew I would love them dearly and now he is 10 months old and an absolute light in our lives. It still haunts me that I considered not having him.

I don't say this to upset anyone who has had to go through with that decision. But I would say if you want the baby I can't imagine how difficult it would be to cope with choosing to end the pregnancy.

We are lucky that we have reasonably large rooms, we also live in an expensive area but have a rare HA place and are unlikely to afford to move for a few years. But everyone fits in, the kids love each other and we love them. I wouldn't have it any other way honestly.

Good luck with everything

CloudyVanilla · 19/11/2020 15:24

Just support I'm afraid. Not supper 🙈

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 19/11/2020 15:26

You need to take a deep breath & think about things.

You have a 5yo & an 18 month old, to be honest, must would see that at the ideal time to have another baby if you're going to have a third at some time anyway. You're in the swing of life wuth a baby/toddler, you'll already have the vast majority of the crap you need & the kids were going to share a room anyway.

If you can't move in 1-2 years you coukd look at moving into the smaller room & giving the three kids the bigger room (doesn't matter for ages if the third is a boy or a girl)

Getting qualifications & a better job etc is going to take a long time,then you'll have a big gap between the kids

Plus you can never take your fertility for granted.

I'm pro choice, but I'm anti women being made to feel it's something g she should do fir everyone else's convenience.

Think about what YOU want, it's YOUR body x

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 15:30

If you want the baby have it.

I thought you were going to say your eldest is a teenager doing their gcses. Only 5? You can move them from school...I moved my dc at that age. It was fine.

Jux · 19/11/2020 15:34

Can you get to somewhere really noisy, like under a train bridge, or somewhere in the middle of a forest? Then scream and shout and cry and yell. You will feel so much better once you've done that. Be the mad woman under the bridge for a little while.

tigertreats · 19/11/2020 15:46

OP please have the baby if you want it. It's so so awful that this has happened at not a great time but you would cope - two babies would be sharing and one in with you when baby born. I appreciate it would be super hard but it's not impossible.
Life is super unfair and shitty sometimes - I could be wrong but I get the feeling you really do want to have this baby and it would be so tragic for you not to.

Whatever you do will be right I'm sure long term just be sure and as other posters have said maybe some advice to help you work through and make sure you are confident in whatever decision you make.
Good luck

ZoeTurtle · 19/11/2020 15:46

I will say that all the cheerleaders on here won't be looking after a baby at 3am, or helping you gain qualifications and improving your prospects, or coming round to build and extension for you

Yes. A lot of the posters on this thread are bloody irresponsible with the "advice" they're giving out.

It's completely understandable to be furious at the situation. Hopefully you're not too far along and can have a few weeks to think everything through and come to terms with whatever decision you make. But PLEASE don't listen to the cheerleaders. They aren't going to be living in a two-bedroom flat with five sleep-deprived people.

Anurulz · 19/11/2020 15:48

Oh OP I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. I am completely pro-choice and that's what I would say, make your informed choice based on what's best for your family. It's unfair that you do have to make this choice and nothing anyone says would make it any fairer. You are completely entitled to scream, cry and yell. But then you probably need to think of the pros and cons. You want this baby, it's evident.. but your partner and you would have to make difficult changes and juggle things around which would be tough. There are 2 other children to think about. I am probably making it worse by writing this down to you, but you will need to decide what the best way forward is.. hugs..

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 15:52

@ZoeTurtle

I will say that all the cheerleaders on here won't be looking after a baby at 3am, or helping you gain qualifications and improving your prospects, or coming round to build and extension for you

Yes. A lot of the posters on this thread are bloody irresponsible with the "advice" they're giving out.

Yes but the op said she can't uproot her dc...I could understand if they were much older or doing important exams, but they're 18months and five...if they had to move, it's hardly the end of the world, they're young enough to adapt easily. I'm very pro choice but the op has said she wants the baby

CtrlU · 19/11/2020 16:03

I think if you want the child - then have the child.

Sure its unexpected and it may be difficault, but this is a miracle and a blessing.
You never know how life will change.

I remember when I had my son; I fell pregnant very shortly after. I was scared and nervous about having 2 under 2 and being a single mother (I was in a relationship at the time but it was beginning to show signs of strain) and I had a termination. I don’t regret it but I do believe that if I had decided to have the baby - we would have been ok. I would have managed.

jessstan1 · 19/11/2020 16:16

@ZoeTurtle

I will say that all the cheerleaders on here won't be looking after a baby at 3am, or helping you gain qualifications and improving your prospects, or coming round to build and extension for you

Yes. A lot of the posters on this thread are bloody irresponsible with the "advice" they're giving out.

Quite! My sentiments entirely.

However the op has said she wants the baby.

movingonup20 · 19/11/2020 16:17

I'm pro choice but you are indicating that you are not wanting to abort. There is always a way of making things work and moving a child in infants school is fine, they adjust quickly, many of us had no choice (mine moved continents!) Could you possibly get a housing association house or shared equity somewhere cheaper? Kids can share their parents rooms until 2 or 3, and if needed you can even buy triple bunks. Personally in your situation I aborted but we are all different, like one of the other posters I considered my other kids and decided I couldn't cope with 3. I do not regret it

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/11/2020 17:12

I’m pro choice too, but the OP’s statement that she wants a third child influenced my post.

Personally, I was ready to stop at two children so my own decision would probably be different to my advice to her, IYSWIM.

YoniAndGuy · 19/11/2020 17:24

If you want the baby then it is NOT a somple decision.

You have to live with it.

What also stands out to me is that there is a sense of, if it were better timing you would have the baby, that one day you might have another.

If that is the case, and you are both on board for a third child at some point, then I would make this work if you can. Reasons:

it's one thing to terminate because you have finished your family, quite another to then later have a third and it's ONLY because of timing that you terminated. Much harder to handle mentally. Potential repercussions for your family are quite serious.

even if the timing is awful if a third is the plan at some point, it is arguably better (or rather, not hugely worse) to have them close together even if it makes things really hard for a couple of years. You are already doing the baby thing - having a third now extends it, BUT then leaves you a clear career run - it would actually be less sensible to wait, re-train/study/ get a job then in 4 years put yourself right back at the beginning with another baby. Your youngest is only 18 months, you're only basically adding on another 18 months- 2 years to the timeline until the point that they are all in full time school. Also, with babies that small, yes they can all share a room for a fairly long time.

If you are planning a third at some point I would give this more thought.

MunaZaldrizoti · 19/11/2020 17:46

Wanting a baby is not a good enough reason to have one.

I think you are being incredibly wise, considerate and thoughtful. You are putting the children you already have above everything else. That is how you parent.

Well done, OP.

I am sorry that you sre having to make this difficult decision. I think it's the right one.

YoniAndGuy · 19/11/2020 17:56

Wanting a baby is not a good enough reason to have one.

Jesus @MunaZaldrizoti - what a completely tone deaf comment to make when OP is ALREADY PREGNANT!

Possibly that pithy line would suit to aim at someone idly thinking that despite their lack of funds and home they'd quite like a baby.

To say that to someone in this kind of dilemma is appalling. And utterly redundant.

Arosadra · 19/11/2020 17:57

You want the baby OP, then even if you have to keep baby in your room or have a triple bunk in the other room, or have one of those wall beds for you and dh downstairs... surely that’s better than putting yourself through a termination you don’t want? I don’t think you’d ever get over that whereas financial issues are surmountable and can change?

unmarkedbythat · 19/11/2020 18:03

@YoniAndGuy

Wanting a baby is not a good enough reason to have one.

Jesus @MunaZaldrizoti - what a completely tone deaf comment to make when OP is ALREADY PREGNANT!

Possibly that pithy line would suit to aim at someone idly thinking that despite their lack of funds and home they'd quite like a baby.

To say that to someone in this kind of dilemma is appalling. And utterly redundant.

Don't be daft. How can it be redundant when OP is considering her options? It is entirely relevant in a conversation about what to do about a current unplanned pregnancy.

MunaZaldrizoti · 19/11/2020 18:04

@YoniAndGuy

Spare me the dramatics. OP is aware she is pregnant and also aware that she has to make a difficult decision, and that wanting a baby is not a good enough reason to have one! Her thinking is far more cogent that all the people saying "if you want a baby, make it work". Quite frankly, all I have done is support her thinking...and that's wrong somehow?

PicsInRed · 19/11/2020 18:29

I'm pro choice.

Please don't be pushed and bullied by someone else (even by his silence and disinterest) into a termination you do not want.

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