so angry about abortion

[FightingWithTheWind]

I have found out I am pregnant, I have the contraceptive implant in my arm, this should not have happened. All the doctor can say is that no contraceptive is 100% reliable which I knew and I couldn't blame the doctor for even if I wanted to. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, my partner and I could not afford to move somewhere bigger unless we uproot our children, the eldest of whom is settled so well in her school and we would have to be moving much further away from our family and it would just be very unfair on the children we already have. As it is if we stay where we are we don't have the space for another baby and realistically we can't financially afford another baby just yet.

But I want this baby. I know it isn't the right thing to do, and I know that there are a million reasons why we can't have this baby and so I know I have to have the termination. I am just so angry. I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, I'm angry at my partner who doesn't seem particularly affected by this decision, I'm angry that implant failed even though I know it does happen. I'm just angry, and scared. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and tell the world how unfair it is but I can't and that makes me angry too. I feel like this is turning me into a very horrible person.

I don't think it makes you a horrible person but I do agree that you need counselling before you make a decision.

A few years back I had a pregnancy scare and the utter panic and despair I felt plus the relief I felt when I found out I wasn't confirmed that one child is enough for me.

If miraculously you found out you weren't pregnant would you feel relieved or incredibly disappointed? Were you planning on more children in the future, just not now? I feel for you, I think whilst most women are pro-choice, it's so much harder to be objective when it's you having to make that choice.

Nothing lasts forever, take time to think this through op. You will do what is right.

OP, you sound like you have your head screwed on and are quite rightly thinking clearly about the negative impact that an unplanned baby would have on your children, and choosing to prioritise them. I don't think it is very helpful for people to come on here and imply that you could make it work if you wanted to. Obviously you could make it work if you had to. Women who live in countries with no access to legal terminations have no choice. But that doesn't mean it would be the best choice for your family.

People who say "you never regret the children you have" are talking bullshit IMO. And even if you don't, your existing children may well very much regret it.

I'm sorry you are in this position, it is shit and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

@RatanPostmaster

You are so angry because you want this baby. Is it really impossible to fit in the baby in your current house? The anger will not go away when you have the termination. It might get worse. Your current children need a happy mum. They will adjust in a cramped, noisy house but will struggle with an angry, depressed mum. In your shoes, I would really think hard about a termination. (I am not against termination. I'm very pro-choice.)

Good advice OP, I really hope you can find a way to keep this baby. Take care.

Abortion is extremely difficult even when we are absolutely certain it is right with no doubts. I don't think you should rush the decision, take the time to really think this through, get some counselling (it is free and confidential) and talk to some trusted family or friends.

If you are feeling stressed and horrible and angry, it is hardly surprising. You have done all you could to avoid this situation. Be kind to yourself op this is so hard.

You don't need more space for at least another two years, is it possible for things to change in terms of housing in that time? Is that the only concern you have?

You're not horrible. You are hurting and nobody can blame you for how you feel.

Children are adaptable and so are adults! Where there is a will, there's a way and circumstances can change for better or worse in a heartbeat. Money isn't everything (although there's no denying it helps!) and even with planning, things go wrong. People lose their jobs, relationships end and pandemics happen. Don't let right now determine your future. You are faced with an impossibly tough situation but make sure whatever you choose to do, is true to you or you'll have a lifetime of regret. Big hugs and sending lots of light your way x

OP, only you can make the decision. People say there's no right time for a baby, and I'd generally agree, however if you're struggling with space and financials at the moment then that would hold me back.

A child is very expensive, and you would have three in total with this new one, it's about how much financial security and stability you want I guess.

I found myself in a very similar position 7 months ago. 2 kids already in a 2 bed flat. Done having children, youngest is 7 and bam...pregnant. I decided to continue the pregnancy. We will work it out but yes, it was a selfish decision on my part because I just couldn't go through with the abortion. I agonised over the decision for weeks, but deep down knew I wouldn't be able to do it. Whatever you decide it will work out for the best.

You're not a horrible person and have a tantrum if it helps even short term. It's a shit situation and you're doing a sensible but difficult thing

Abortion is a big deal - it is a very big deal one I still think about thirty years later. So you are right to really slow down and think it through. You need to be able to live with whatever you decide.

Please seek the counselling today, and slowly think about every angle. What are your options. How could it work in the future. Your 18 month old will be over two and maybe at nursery, it needn't be as hard as you imagine - or you might not feel it works at all in your current circumstances.

That's a hard situation to be in and a hard choice to make.

Talk your options through with a professional. BPAS offer pregnancy counselling (and they are neutral in approach). You can probably access it from other services too.

This is so tough and I hope you find a solution that you can make peace with. I honestly don't know if advice can help you as you have to work through it and come to a conclusion. How pregnant are you? Have you got time to let your emotions settle for a couple of days and try and take a practical approach to making a decision through the anger?

Go with your instincts OP, not your head. it sounds as though you really want this baby. And maybe you can manage for now in the same flat where you live as your youngest will be sharing a room soon. Who knows what things will be like when the baby is old enough to need more space?
And Christmas is coming - wasn't it all about the arrival of a surprise baby?

Good luck OP and hope you feel happier soon.

But I want this baby

This speaks volumes.

I generally over simplify things so apologies.
As people we can normally find a way of making things work, even seemingly insurmountable things.

Maybe you can here.

Don't rush into anything. Babies really don't need that much stuff when they're small.

We had similar feelings with our surprise.

We did keep the baby, we are a little tight in our home but we manage. We go outside a lot! Their bedroom is very cramped but they are all happy (aged 11, 7 and 5).

I am very pro choice so no judgement at all. I considered all options but ultimately decided that there are worse things than sharing a bedroom and money worries aren't forever.

The important thing is that you can live with whatever you decide.

Good luck

I'm so sorry op it's not fair that you have to make this decision.

For me the fact that you want this baby is all that needs to be said. That alone is providing it with an excellent start. 💐

FWIW I think it's much better to regret an abortion that to regret a child. None of the people on here telling you that "there's always a way to make it work" will be there offering money or space or time when it just - doesn't.

If you would like this child then think about what having it will mean for your life (your own and your family's) right now, next year, in 5 years. Maybe you can find a way of making it work. At any rate it's a myth that choosing to terminate means it will be easy or not upsetting, that's not always the case.

I am not anti abortion at all having had one myself. That was when I was young, had no children already, and it was a very much wanted abortion (sounds kind of awful I know but true - in the sense that I knew I really did not want nor could I cope with a baby). I still now think it was the right decision but it is still in some ways painful. I think now of that child who would now be early 20s and wonder what he or she would have been like. It is only in later middle age that I have even allowed these thoughts to come in my head. Earlier in life I simply forgot about it or saw it as a "problem solved". Still think it was the right decision but it is complex nonetheless.

I think you do need to make your own judgment as no-one can tell you what is best for you. But we can share views and mine is that I think if you have an abortion of a baby you know you actively want, when you already have children and so know you can be a mum ... I think it could really really damage you.

I would say try to think how you can make it work, despite the fact that it will be less than ideal.

I think Porcupine (above) offers an interesting alternative view.

@QuestionableMouse they need care which is expensive (either to outsource or to provide yourself).

If second bedroom is big then no reason 3 kids cant share

Not your friend's fault she has more money than you.

Oh OP, that sounds very tough.