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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

so angry about abortion

130 replies

FightingWithTheWind · 19/11/2020 11:25

I have found out I am pregnant, I have the contraceptive implant in my arm, this should not have happened. All the doctor can say is that no contraceptive is 100% reliable which I knew and I couldn't blame the doctor for even if I wanted to. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, my partner and I could not afford to move somewhere bigger unless we uproot our children, the eldest of whom is settled so well in her school and we would have to be moving much further away from our family and it would just be very unfair on the children we already have. As it is if we stay where we are we don't have the space for another baby and realistically we can't financially afford another baby just yet.

But I want this baby. I know it isn't the right thing to do, and I know that there are a million reasons why we can't have this baby and so I know I have to have the termination. I am just so angry. I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, I'm angry at my partner who doesn't seem particularly affected by this decision, I'm angry that implant failed even though I know it does happen. I'm just angry, and scared. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and tell the world how unfair it is but I can't and that makes me angry too. I feel like this is turning me into a very horrible person.

OP posts:

cheeseismydownfall · 19/11/2020 13:28

Your last update changes my opinion. I agree with slightly. If you were already actively planning a third child, then I think you could find an abortion very hard to come to terms with. There is also a risk that when you do decide the time is right to have another baby, you would find you have to deal with very complex feelings around that.

Time40 · 19/11/2020 13:29

We do want another baby

As you both want another and it's just the timing that's wrong, I'd say have the baby, OP.

Piwlyfbicsly · 19/11/2020 13:32

You said you want this baby. We live in a 2 bed too with 2 children. I know it’s not ideal so I don’t plan the third one, but if it happens accidentally, I’ll be scared and panicky but I will try to find a way and I will keep the baby. Hope you will find peace with whichever decision you make.

Housewoes23 · 19/11/2020 13:33

I think you may be unconsciously looking for people to respond that you could and should have the baby :)
I think you should have the baby
Practicalities can often be sorted out. At least have a think about it anyway. And your partner needs to step up and have a proper think, too!

ClaireP20 · 19/11/2020 13:33

'But I want this baby'

Nothing else to be said. Please don't be like me, and suffer as much as I have over my decision, which was based on similar reasons to yours darling x

GameSetMatch · 19/11/2020 13:33

It is unfair, it sucks! I really feel for you I hope you make the right choice for your family! I don’t envy you this at all. I just want you to know that i understand and my heart goes out to you.

jessstan1 · 19/11/2020 13:35

I am every so sorry you are in this dilemma, FightingWiththeWind.

Nobody likes abortion but people have them because, at the time, it is the common sense decision. Put your sensible hat on.

Though I believe nobody has the right to 'force' any woman into an abortion, neither could anybody blame your partner for feeling the way he does. Another child in a two bed place, if there is no prospect of being able to buy somewhere bigger in the near future, would make life very difficult.

It sounds as though your life is pretty settled as it is.

In your position, I would not have another child.

You will get over it, honestly. Act quickly. You will receive plenty of support on here. In a year's time you'll be glad, not in a 'celebratory' way but you will be counting your blessings. At the moment, hormones are playing a part in your feelings but they will get back to normal.

What you need to do then is make sure you do not become pregnant again, belt and braces' if neither of you wants to be sterilised.

You said: "I'm angry that my friend has 4 children, doesn't work and has a 3 bedroom house and never had to consider not being able to afford them; I'm angry at myself for feeling that way..."

The fact that you're angry at yourself for feeling that way shows that it is an unworthy feeling. Don't resent your friend for having one more bedroom, not many people want four children! Comparison is pointless and resentment eats away at you. You have a lot as you are and in time, will no doubt have more.

Good luck and chin up.

CecilyP · 19/11/2020 13:42

We do want another baby

At the moment, the 2 negatives you have given are that your 2-bed flat will be cramped and that it would be better if you could some qualifications and better job prospects first.

Regarding the flat, you are moving DD2 in with DD1 shortly, so you could have a baby in with you for the next 18 months. After that, if one of your bedrooms is larger, you could move all 3 DC into that.

You have already had 2 DC despite your lack of qualifications and job prospects. In many ways, it would make more sense to have have the 3rd now, so that you could give qualifications and new career all your attention in future, rather than breaking off to go on maternity leave again.

I do think it is a pity your DH is not more understanding and supportive. He is taking a pragmatic approach assuming abortion is no big deal. But it is and it definitely is for you!

fashu · 19/11/2020 13:49

All I want to add is that, if you want to have this baby and you have an abortion it will be with you for the rest of your life. You may realise in some time it was the best decision for you, but it's not an overnight fix and if you have these feelings about wanting to keep the baby it is going to be hard.
I have had a miscarriage at 11 weeks so I have technically been through the procedure and it's not comfortable. I know you feel you don't have the space or the finances right now, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Things happen, even the richest of people with massive houses can have a change in circumstances.
If you do really want this baby you will find away. Get reusable nappies, up-cycle old clothes from your older children. My husband is 1 of 5. He shared a room with his 2 older brothers and he is very close to them.
At the end of the day it's your decision. Do what is right for you.
I moved school 3 times when I was younger because we moved house a few times. I don't remember being upset, I can only remember being excited to make new friends and get a new uniform.

Nsky · 19/11/2020 13:59

You all fail to mention adoption , odd, may br the answer

ReneeRol · 19/11/2020 14:02

Nksy; why on earth would adoption be an option? Very few women would be able to go through a pregnancy, give birth only to had it over to someone else without being permanently traumatised.

She wants to keep the baby if she could afford it financially, not be a vessel to make someone else a parent.

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/11/2020 14:05

I really feel for you, that's a horrible situation to find yourself in and you're very unfortunate to be in that tiny percentage for whom it's not effective

cyantist · 19/11/2020 14:07

Could you put yourself on a waiting list for a council flat/house? It might take a long time but the baby could be in your room for a while.

I know people with 2 kids in a 1-bed flat, or 3 kids in a 2-bed flat. When you live in London it's really not that uncommon.

Also as your oldest is young it wouldn't be the worst thing for them to move school, and that to me makes more sense than terminating given that you've said you want the baby

brogueish · 19/11/2020 14:13

Ah, you plan to have a third child? Then have this one.

I had a termination when the timing wasn't right and then due to fertility issues had the choice taken away from me. The regret was unbearable.

ShrikeAttack · 19/11/2020 14:14

I get a bit annoyed with these sort of threads as I think some posters on them do not post with the best intentions. There's always lots of 'I'm pro-choice but' and 'You'll regret it forever, you never get over abortions'. The fact is that for the vast majority or women who have abortions it's a pragmatic and sensible decision and a huge relief. There may be some sadness, but the fact women are able to access abortion in this country the way they are is of huge benefit.

Lots of people regret children they've had, there are threads all the time about it.

I can't really give you any advice OP, it's ultimately your decision. I will say that all the cheerleaders on here won't be looking after a baby at 3am, or helping you gain qualifications and improving your prospects, or coming round to build and extension for you.

I'd try to take the emotion out of the decision, be very hard-headed and practical. What impact will this have on you and your future? What impact will this have on your existing children? What impact will this have on your relationship?

Abortions aren't always painful and cause for regret, they can sometimes be a positive choice for you and your existing family.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

LazyName · 19/11/2020 14:28

Who knows what position you will be in financially in a few years, whether a bigger property you can afford pops up and etc. Your youngest is moving into her sisters room soon anyway so the new baby could be in with you where she is now. Ok maybe in a couple of years there might be a wider issue with space etc but you say yourself you both want another baby eventually so who is to say in a few years you will magically be in a ‘better’ position to have a baby just because you didn’t have this baby?
I understand the anger as you tried to prevent this but just go with your heart. Things always have a way of working out some how. I can’t speak for how you would cope but I would find it hard and probably wouldn’t want another child after I got rid of one I wanted because it was at accident/the ‘wrong time’. If you want it keep it x

CorianderLord · 19/11/2020 14:32

Will it be harder for you to have a termination than to plop through the money issues of a new baby? That's the question.

CorianderLord · 19/11/2020 14:32

Plow*

BoingBoingyBoing · 19/11/2020 14:38

"I will say that all the cheerleaders on here won't be looking after a baby at 3am, or helping you gain qualifications and improving your prospects, or coming round to build and extension for you."

Exactly this.

If you feel like it's not the right time, then it's not the right time.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/11/2020 14:42

In many ways, it would make more sense to have have the 3rd now, so that you could give qualifications and new career all your attention in future, rather than breaking off to go on maternity leave again.

This ^^. If you’re planning to have a third child anyway, I’d go ahead and have this baby. You can still research educational opportunities and perhaps begin some online courses. With the pandemic, I think even more will be available online then before.

I did a degree part-time during my pregnancies/when my DC were tiny and I managed (just!).

Given that you’re a very fertile couple, I’d suggest discussing more permanent contraception as well if you’ve sure you’ve completed your family. My DH had a vasectomy when ours was completed and I believe it’s also relatively easy to have your tubes tied straight after giving birth ( I have no medical knowledge, I’ve just heard this from a friend who had it done right after giving birth to her third child). Good luck.💐

AryaStarkWolf · 19/11/2020 14:44

@ShrikeAttack

Lots of people regret children they've had, there are threads all the time about it.

Abortions aren't always painful and cause for regret, they can sometimes be a positive choice for you and your existing family.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

People said said she may regret it because the OP clearly says she wanted the baby. If she didn't then she more than likely wouldn't regret her choice

Sugarhouse · 19/11/2020 14:50

If you want this baby think really hard before termination you don’t want to regret it forever. I had one at 18 i don’t regret it but I wasn’t ready for a baby and it was the right thing for me. Now if i fell pregnant unplanned I would make it work even though we don’t have enough room because I know I would regret it. There is nothing wrong with choosing termination but make sure it is what you want. Also I live in a tiny 2 bed my one year old is still in with us as there is no room for another bed in my sons room. Hopefully we can move soon but if not we will have to get bunk beds when they are bigger and eventually a loft conversion. There is always a way to manage if needs be.

FlaskFull · 19/11/2020 14:50

You find yourself in a terrible dilemma and your choices are in no way easy. It came to mind, if it is of any help to you, that, the man who became a famous explorer in the mid 19th century, was one of 7 children, born to an impoverished family in Blantyre and brought up in single room accommodation in a tenement building. It must have been the most difficult of circumstances for all the family. In spite of that, and with much courage, faith and perseverance, they pulled together. He was Dr David Livingstone. The rest is history. May his legacy be an inspiration to you to do the right thing.

whynotwhen · 19/11/2020 14:51

Have the baby.

And stop thinking uprooting your eldest (from reception) is hugely disruptive, it isn't.

MaelyssQ · 19/11/2020 14:53

Another poster who is pro-choice but you want this baby. Terminating the pregnancy won't make you happy. Find a way to make it work. Don't compare your life to that of your friend.

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