Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

[catspyjamas123]

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

I don't prefer to be addressed as Ms though. There is no title that I prefer because every title that women can choose has connotations. Only men are allowed to have a title with no connotations and that is not right

You can have any title you want, nobody can stop you. You can tell whoever is asking that your title is Professor, or Her Holiness. Or you can use Mr, or Reverend, or Dr.
Nobody actually cares what you are, you know.

"Hysterical" is an unusual word to use in that context.

Of course. It's a sexist word with sexist origins that is almost exclusively used to put women back in our box. The most rigid adherents to misogyny are not necessarily men.

If you have fewer opportunities, you have less choice. Not the other way round.

If they don’t care why do they ask? If I was to call myself Rev or Dr that would be fraudulent. I did like someone’s suggestion of Empress Catspyjamas. Maybe that’s the one to go for?!

If you have fewer opportunities, you have less choice

Spectacular point missing to state the bleedin’ obvious. How about cookie cutter feminism attempting to remove choice? Which is the point I was actually making.

If they don’t care why do they ask? If I was to call myself Rev or Dr that would be fraudulent. I did like someone’s suggestion of Empress Catspyjamas. Maybe that’s the one to go for?!

There's a box that needs ticking. It's not fraudulent, they aren't protected terms.

But WHY is there a box? Men don’t get asked if they want to be Mr or, er, Mr. Why treat women differently?

Of course they do. On the drop down boxes, they are asked if they are Mr or Rev or Prof as well.

The fact that women are titled differently to men has its roots hundreds if not thousands of years ago. You're seriously wondering why society doesn't change overnight because a small number of people think it should?

There’s probably quite a few women (and men I suppose) who would choose not applicable or whatever for title.

More than they would tick some of the other options.

Society is in a constant state of change. That is why we as women have a lot more rights than our grandmothers had. If we didn’t question things because they are “traditional” then single women of a certain age would still be burnt at the stake.

No it wasn’t because we knew biology makes that impossible. It was about having the same opportunities as men which is an entirely different thing. It certainly wasn’t about deriding other women for their choices, it was about supporting them in whatever choice was right for them.

Biology doesn't make it impossible for women to be equal in almost any circumstance. Even with regard to parental leave after birth, there is no reason it can't be shared once the woman has recovered from the birth itself. Regardless, we aren't in the 1960s now and while women may have felt we were on the way to equality if they had more choices, it clearly doesn't always work as sometimes the choice of one person can take away the choice for others. I think that has happened with the insistence by some women of using titles to denote whether or not they are married.

as sometimes the choice of one person can take away the choice for others

And what do you think removing the right to choose your own title is doing?

Oh dear. Dropped the H bomb. No feminist I know would describe women as hysterical due to the historical connotations.

I hate titles altogether, I find it all quite old fashioned and outdated, personally. I'd far rather be addressed by my first name. But there's very rarely an option for that either.

I occasionally put N/A if there's an 'other' options box but have had concert tickets come through the post addressed to N/A Dinosaur

Not Another Dinosaur?

Yes, titles are pointless and unnecessary and intrusive, in fact. But it seems the “proud to be Mrs” brigade are happy to have that intrusion as they will be proven to be “respectable” because they went through a mumbo jumbo ceremony in which they were financially shackled to a Mr.

@VinylDetective

as sometimes the choice of one person can take away the choice for others

And what do you think removing the right to choose your own title is doing?

I think removing "the right" of women to choose their own title would put them on a par with men who incidently do not seem to be clamouring to choose their own title based on whether they are married or not.

Well for you itss a mumbo jumbo ceremony, for me it was meaningful commitment. I am not financially shakled, yes some assetts are shared and we split who is paying what. (But even housemates or lodgers do that.) If we split I still have my money and he still has his. Should I not wear my wedding ring as it,s a sign that I am married?

If we split I still have my money and he still has his

Have you had legal advice on this? In a marriage all assets are considered joint, with a few exceptions. I have weakened my financial position significantly by getting married, dh now has a claim on my house, savings and pensions. Had I not married him these would still be my assets only.

@june2007 If we split I still have my money and he still has his.

Wrong. If you split up and you have saved “your” money and he has spent his and some of yours too and run up debts and maybe done harm to the kids then he will take half of your savings. Housemates can’t do that, although they might be able to if they are in a sexual relationship with you.

Wear your wedding ring if you like. Just like a pigeon wears a ring on its leg to show it is owned by someone. Just let me be free. The titles are unnecessary.

So you think any one. (man or women) Who chooses to wear a wedding ring is owned? TBH you and I def on different pages here.

I wear a wedding ring. As does my DH. I didn't relinquish my own identity nor do I carry the title 'Mrs'. Mrs Heslop is my Ma, Mrs van Arkle, my MiL.

Assuming a default of all adult women to 'Mrs' isn't removing anyone's 'choice' (and how beloved is that word on this thread?) considering those people can easily correct the 'title' (if we must insist on having the silly things) to something they prefer.

In these circumstances I'd be asking them to change to 'Dr'. (Not that I'm necessarily 'proud' to hold a doctorate, but at least I did put in 3 years' solid work for it which makes more sense than pride in walking up an aisle and signing a piece of paper. But, hey). Presumably, a woman who prefers to be referred to as Ms (get you, you ole feminist boot) or Miss can request that change too.

Or is the 'real' reason people are upset at defaulting to 'Mrs' for all is that it somehow questions the value of walking up an aisle and signing a piece of paper? If I want to call myself Mrs it makes zero odds to me whether the rest of the female populous calls herself Mrs or not.

NB. I am not for one moment denigrating marriage. I'm happy (note happy, not proud) to be married. But I fail to compute why everything about who I am and how I live needs to somehow be viewed as an adjunct to my DH, especially when no similar expectations are placed on him.

Also - the question of titles isn't a free 'choice' when so many women out there quite clearly object to that 'choice' and are not actually choosing it in the first place.

Also - the question of titles isn't a free 'choice' when so many women out there quite clearly object to that 'choice' and are not actually choosing it in the first place.

Exactly.

@june2007 you haven’t realised the full financial impact have you? Imagine you had to pay your DH 55% of the “pot” to go away. Then had to shoulder the costs of raising the kids with just a meagre contribution from him (certainly nowhere near half). This is the so-called protection of respectable marriage. Oh yes, it was a meaningful ceremony, meaningful legally. He can break every vow though and then rip you off for your assets if you have some or make some.

I love being Mr& Mrs "Crumble"

Even after 10 years of marriage I still live being addressed as Mrs. I feel like a lady and I feel proud to have my husband's name.

I find it so bizarre that anyone can get troubled by a title. A man might just be a Mr but so what? I love traditions & have no issues with it at all.

Even after 10 years of marriage I still live being addressed as Mrs. I feel like a lady and I feel proud to have my husband's name

Why are you so proud though? Do you view marriage as an achievement? Something that makes you better than an unmarried woman?

Do you think miss/ms aren’t proud of themselves?

Why do you think men don’t need a married title or to change their name? Are they not so proud of being married that they want to declare it to everyone they meet?

Or is it a leftover from the days when married women didn’t work so their lifes achievements were defined by their marital status. Whereas men largely carry on with their lives and careers, and are more likely to be defined by their jobs than marriages.