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Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

877 replies

catspyjamas123 · 17/11/2020 15:20

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

OP posts:
Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 17:35

@Willyoujustbequiet

Its incorrect to say people assume you are divorced if you use MS - perhaps 40 years ago!

Its the norm/default form of address in every large organisation I've worked in. Besides many young women use it and I don't know many divorced teenagers.

They assume you are divorced or not married yet.
Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 17:39

@user1471505494

SurreyHillsGirl. I don’t have to get over myself. I find being addressed as Ms as insulting as if someone kept deliberately spelling or speaking my name correctly. I always try to address someone with the title they prefer and wouldn’t dream of judging anyone by their choice
And what if they say they don't want to be referred to the title at all? That's apparently not allowed.
Beamur · 18/11/2020 17:40

I think the interpretation of Ms varies.
Personally I have always considered it to mean female, but marital status is none of your business.
I'm aware a lot of people think divorced. Not sure many people really think it's similar to Miss though.
This understanding is pretty much widespread amongst my peers, both male and female. I haven't come across many people in rl who interpret it otherwise.

VinylDetective · 18/11/2020 17:52

If you use Ms people assume you are divorced or not married

And in my case and millions of others, they’d be wrong. Just as they’d be wrong with their assumptions about the thousands of divorced and widowed women who use Mrs.

FudgeDrudge · 18/11/2020 17:54

If you use Ms people assume you are divorced or not married

Then they are idiots. Focus your ire on them instead.

Moutarde · 18/11/2020 17:59

Why is it unreasonable?

They're just asking what you'd like to be called. Put Lady if you like.

Seriously, you honestly think they give a flying fuck if you're married or not. If you're that bothered about it use Ms.

lovepickledlimes · 18/11/2020 18:38

@Nicknamegoeshere

Question for those of you referring to "ownership".... Did you have your dad walk you down the aisle? I'm planning on getting married in the not-too-distant and no way that is happening! I am blessed that my dad is still around and going strong, but he is aware that he doesn't own me Smile
My dad passed away but when I do get married next year I do plan on letting my mum walk me down the aisle. To me it is not so much about 'ownership' but 'i have cared for and loved my child, I now entrust her happinesses into your care etc'.
bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 18:38

They're just asking what you'd like to be called. Put Lady if you like

No, they aren’t. They’re asking if I’m Miss or Mrs. I do not have an option to decline, which is what I actually want to be called. I don’t want miss, mrs, ms, lady, i just want to be firstname surname.

pinpinbin · 18/11/2020 19:38

LOL I've never been married, as I already posted. The legal downsides of marriage, not least the cost of any potential divorce, far outweigh the 2 benefits to me (passing marital assets, paltry widows pension)

Di anyone read the gov.uk link about the legal differences between marriage and opposite sex civil partnership? Is it really true that only the woman's father's name is on the marriage certificate still?

pinpinbin · 18/11/2020 19:41

Oh and both of those can be addressed now with opp sex civil partnership.

donttouchmyhair · 18/11/2020 19:42

So you're annoyed that they assume you're a Mrs because you're divorced but then don't want them to ask you if you're Miss or Mrs. So how are they suppose to know? Hmm

florascotia2 · 18/11/2020 19:43

Beamur
The concept of UK women being a chattel in marriage was abolished in 1857.
It does NOT appear on marriage registration forms - religious or civil - today.
This is what Citizens Advice say:

"Documents you'll need to give notice

You and your partner will be asked for certain information when giving notice of your intention to marry. If you or your partner are not citizens of a European Economic Area country, you'll also have to submit evidence of your immigration status when you give notice to marry.

Giving false information is a criminal offence. The information which may be required is:-

evidence of name and address
evidence of date of birth
if one partner has been married before or in a civil partnership, documentary evidence that the marriage or civil partnership has ended, for example, a death certificate or decree absolute. Uncertified photocopies are not accepted. A certified copy of a decree absolute may be obtained from the court which decided the divorce. This can take about a week
evidence of nationality.

A variety of documents can be used as evidence of the information required, but a passport or travel document is usually sufficient. You can also use your birth certificate if you were born before 1 January 1983. You should contact the register office where you're getting married for more specific advice on what they will accept.

You can check which type of documents you need to bring with you on GOV.UK. "

Registrars do require fathers' names for both bride and groom - for identification purposes. But that is equal for men and women.

There is NO legal requirement - in church or civil ceremonies - for a bride to be 'given away'. If some brides choose this, then it is entirely at their own discretion.

florascotia2 · 18/11/2020 19:44

Posteed too soon. The ref for the long quote above is this:
ttps://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/getting-married/

pinpinbin · 18/11/2020 19:50

so the marriage certificate has your and his father's names on only, the civil partnership certificate has both mother's on too. Nice to see we get some recognition for all that hard work now!

VinylDetective · 18/11/2020 19:58

@pinpinbin

so the marriage certificate has your and his father's names on only, the civil partnership certificate has both mother's on too. Nice to see we get some recognition for all that hard work now!
But you just said it’s only a piece of paper so why does it matter?
pinpinbin · 18/11/2020 20:12

?

No I didn't

TheNortherner · 18/11/2020 20:15

Im divorced, i stil have loads of things that i use Mrs for and i can't be bothered to change. Not my fault I had a shit husband, I'm not going to change stuff just coz of some perceived social etiquette. I fill things in dependent on how I feel on the day...so I dont care what they call me.

HateIsNotGood · 18/11/2020 20:20

To overcome all this angst my preference is for Miss. I really do appreciate the preference for Ms, in terms of 'why are you asking/why does it matter/you don't ask men?' and fully support that pov.

However, my preference is for Miss, which I consider almost as a 'Badge of Honour', having negotiated society(ies)/life quite independently as a Single Woman. For better or for worse.

I'm often called Mrs, sometimes I correct this and sometimes I don't, having aged a bit I choose my battles.

Regarding Miss as being a bit Old Spinsterish - hahahahaha - if that's a descriptive that goes with Miss - that's a Mantle I'll happily wear. I'm sure I'll get away with loads more Old Lady Stuff as the Spinster up the Road than I possibly could as Mrs X.

1Morewineplease · 18/11/2020 20:21

Most folk ask if I'd prefer to be known as Mrs or Miss.
it doesn't bother me one iota. How are people to know?

Beamur · 18/11/2020 20:39

Thanks florascotia I was definitely married after 1857 Grin I can't remember the precise wording but it struck me as off at the time and it was definitely asking for my Dad's details. In England within the last 10 years. DH was not asked the same.
It particularly annoyed me as I am low contact with my Dad (he didn't come to the wedding) and yet was the only parent I had to name.
I wasn't given away.

InFiveMins · 18/11/2020 20:40

I always go by Ms. Can't stand Mrs. Can't stand Miss.

All women should be Ms like all men are Mr.

HateIsNotGood · 18/11/2020 21:05

Further to my Miss status - this doesn't mean I've never married, I've had a couple of short-lived marriages (non-UK) and have a UK-born DS from another short-lived relationship.

DS has the same surname as me - the one we were both born with and, incidentally he's the only GC to carry on our Family Name, even though he was born a Bastard.

After so long I can't imagine changing my name, even in the unlikely, but not impossible, event that I marry again.

I'm a Miss and proud of it.

FortunesFave · 19/11/2020 00:10

16 years ago when I had DD1 I wasn't married to DH yet and the nurses kept calling me "Mrs Fortune" and I said "Why are you calling me Mrs? It's Miss." and they said "It's respect" and I was FURIOUS as it was such a judgmental thing....like...unmarried Mothers have something to be ashamed of.

I told them to stop it immediately.

bluebluezoo · 19/11/2020 00:21

16 years ago when I had DD1 I wasn't married to DH yet and the nurses kept calling me "Mrs Fortune" and I said "Why are you calling me Mrs? It's Miss." and they said "It's respect" and I was FURIOUS as it was such a judgmental thing....like...unmarried Mothers have something to be ashamed of.

This is it, isn’t it. If you are co-habiting and/or have children, Mrs is the “respectable” title.

I am married, but I don’t have a ring and never have worn one. Many of my relatives are very worried that people might think I’m an unmarried mother.

And once I was in a cafe with tiny DD, a group of ladies with toddlers having lunch at the table over. I couple at the table in front of me made a loud comment about how lovely it was to see them all with wedding rings:

We may think we’ve moved on, but bottom line is marriage, Mrs and a wedding ring is something women are still judged on.

Mrs confers respectability. Which is why so many are proud to use the title. It raises social status, and people with think better of them. No Mrs, and you will be judged and deemed lesser.

Saracen · 19/11/2020 01:42

I don't think my gender is something that a business needs to know either, so if available I'd choose Mx. But AFAIK it is unpronounceable so there is that drawback.

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