Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

[catspyjamas123]

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

Why are you so hellbent on everyone being the same and removing other people’s choices? It’s just bizarre.

What I find bizarre is that any or every woman's freedom to call themselves Mrs has any impact upon married women's decision to call themselves Mrs. You'd still be exercising your choice. If it's impossible to get wound up about why some women still choose to go by the title Mrs then what's the beef if they all go by Mrs? Especially given they are all truncations of the same word of 'mistress'.

Just curious.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Question for those of you referring to "ownership".... Did you have your dad walk you down the aisle? I'm planning on getting married in the not-too-distant and no way that is happening! I am blessed that my dad is still around and going strong, but he is aware that he doesn't own me

That is an interesting queston!

It is aligned with the subject matter isn't it? Mine definitely did walk me down the aisle, certainly not in the spirit of ownership, but in the spirit of tradition. My DH didn't ask for my fathers 'permission' to marry me though as he knew I wouldn't have thought that was his call, despite that also being tradition.

I actually thought that had died out, but my son asked his FIL to be for his permission on the express instructions of his Fiancee. As did my friend's son in law to be. That was interesting to me as both those women are very self-sufficient, have doctorates and are in well-paid professions, but it was important to them both that the tradition was carried on. Choices, again!

SurreyHillsGirl. I don’t have to get over myself. I find being addressed as Ms as insulting as if someone kept deliberately spelling or speaking my name correctly. I always try to address someone with the title they prefer and wouldn’t dream of judging anyone by their choice

Not something I can get worked up over. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Venicelover Ah OK. I'm definitely non-trad. For example, won't get married in a church as I'm not Christian and I refuse to make promises to a God I don't believe in!
My fiancé knew not to ask any one "permission" to marry me!!

"What I find bizarre is that any or every woman's freedom to call themselves Mrs has any impact upon married women's decision to call themselves Mrs. You'd still be exercising your choice. If it's impossible to get wound up about why some women still choose to go by the title Mrs then what's the beef if they all go by Mrs? Especially given they are all truncations of the same word of 'mistress'."

You need to read the thread about the woman who wants to refer to her partner as her husband. Lots of outrage there that shows that some married women think other women 'pretending' to be married takes something away from them.

I love being a Mrs. I don't see the issue. Businesses don't care if you're married or not, they ask you so they have your correct title, whether it's Mrs, Miss or Ms. Some people look to be offended over everything.

I don't have an issue with anyone using whatever title they prefer. However, marriage does confer legal rights, so why be a Mrs in name only? Their choice though.

And some legal shackles

Exactly. With the cost of a wedding these days the Mrs brigade are probably just wanting their money’s worth. It’s the shackles they really need to watch out for!

what's the beef if they all go by Mrs?

It’s removing choice. Is that really what we want? Well, apparently yes, that’s exactly what some of you want, which feels like going backwards to me.

Ive always thought it unnecesary and unreasonable for society to use Miss and Mrs for adult women according to their marital status and not do.the same to men. Its tradition but its also sexist. However I have equally known women to object to Ms so you can't win really!
If someone asks you to confirm their title Miss or Mrs is probably easy shorthand and I couldn't get annoyed with the person asking, the issue runs much deeper and is entrenched.

@GoJoe2020

The fact that women insist on having a title that denotes whether or not they are married means that everyone else has to

Clearly, this is bullshit. Huge numbers of women use titles that do not denote their marital status.

What title does not denote their marital status? Ms is meant to but it doesn't if the great majority of married women use Mrs. Dr or professor is neutral but if women use that they are often accused of "showing off about their qualifications" (sometimes by women who say they are "proud" to be Mrs)

No, it really doesn't. If it is that important to you contact all the people who have you on their database and ask them to remove the title from all correspondence. If you are spoken to over the phone make a point of telling them the same thing. If you do it often enough and/or vote with your feet with organisations who refuse to do it, you will prevail.

You have obviously never tried not giving a title? The computer always says no in the UK.

@VinylDetective

The fact that women insist on having a title that denotes whether or not they are married means that everyone else has to

Of course it doesn’t. Which is why so many of us choose Ms.

If you use Ms people assume you are divorced or not married.

It’s the shackles they really need to watch out for!

Just because you clearly had a bad experience with marriage doesn’t mean that everybody does. I’ve been happily married for 30 years. No one owns me.

I don’t care what anyone else chooses to be called but I CHOOSE to be Mrs. and anyone who insists on calling me something else despite knowing my wishes is being as rude as I would be if I insisted on calling someone who chooses to be Ms any other title.

Its incorrect to say people assume you are divorced if you use MS - perhaps 40 years ago!

Its the norm/default form of address in every large organisation I've worked in. Besides many young women use it and I don't know many divorced teenagers.

If you use Ms people assume you are divorced or not married.

Who assumes that? What sort of people? Why would they assume that? If they don’t know what it means, they can always look it up.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Its incorrect to say people assume you are divorced if you use MS - perhaps 40 years ago!

Its the norm/default form of address in every large organisation I've worked in. Besides many young women use it and I don't know many divorced teenagers.

I don't think you can just say 'it's incorrect'. People have different experiences. I've definitely read comments in newspapers where people have said that's what they think it means.

DH has been single, married twice and divorced. He's been Mr Beamur throughout. He never gets asked if he's married

and he has never had to faff about changing his name on bank accounts etc

I know we need to agree on a surname for our kids and it make sense to have a family surname, but why is it nearly always women who change their surname, at least in a family context?

I did change my name because I prefer my married surname, and I do go by Mrs, but having lived in Germany, I find their policy of every woman becoming Frau at 18 much more sensible.

@Belladonna12

No, it really doesn't. If it is that important to you contact all the people who have you on their database and ask them to remove the title from all correspondence. If you are spoken to over the phone make a point of telling them the same thing. If you do it often enough and/or vote with your feet with organisations who refuse to do it, you will prevail.

You have obviously never tried not giving a title? The computer always says no in the UK.

Computers can be manually overridden. Phone them up and make them remove it.

But people who comment in newspapers are frequently incorrect. Something is either correct or not. What people think is correct is irrelevant.

@Venicelover

I don't have an issue with anyone using whatever title they prefer. However, marriage does confer legal rights, so why be a Mrs in name only? Their choice though.

You've been told several times that the title of Mrs. has no legal status whatsoever. You enjoy the same 'legal rights' as a married women regardless of what you can yourself. Just as men enjoy marital rights without feeling the slightest need to change their names or titles.

Computers can be manually overridden. Phone them up and make them remove it.

I have asked many times not to have title and I know other people have tried the same thing. They are always told that they have to add one.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Question for those of you referring to "ownership".... Did you have your dad walk you down the aisle? I'm planning on getting married in the not-too-distant and no way that is happening! I am blessed that my dad is still around and going strong, but he is aware that he doesn't own me

I think there is actually a bit in the forms you fill in to get married that asks for your father's name and does refer to the bride to be as chattel (or similar) - I can't remember the precise wording, but I do recall thinking 'wtf' at the time. It's nothing in practise, but does still refer to a time when daughters were their fathers property.. this is in a form dated within the last 10 years so not the distant past. Goes without saying DH did not have to provide the same information.