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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

877 replies

catspyjamas123 · 17/11/2020 15:20

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 18/11/2020 09:06

I agree it's maddening, just as it is when I get addressed by my husband's surname rather than my own.
Completely outdated and would love to see this change asap.

TurquoiseDragon · 18/11/2020 09:07

@MrsOverall70

You're being ridiculous. Some companies like mine offer compensation, you ccsnt send some2a cheque or bill without the full name can you. Also its nice to ask for the full name as not everyone likes being addressed by their first name..
Titles are not part of the legal name, you can still bank a cheque without the title. My full name is Firstname Surname, the title is an optional extra.
VinylDetective · 18/11/2020 09:08

So different from the life I know.

And that’s the crux of the matter. We all inhabit different worlds and one size will never fit all.

Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 09:08

I also move in circles where I suppose "Ms" would probably get you a bit of a side eye, too, for being uppity. I appreciate that perhaps that's really, really old fashioned and I must look ridiculous but in real life I don't really care what anyone calls themselves.

I have to wonder what circles you move in then as I know a lot of young adults and the great majority use Ms. DC have commented that if I use it, people think I'm divorced but they still use it themselves as they agree it is outrageous that women are treated differently from men with regard to their title.

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 09:09

MrsOverall70
You're being ridiculous. Some companies like mine offer compensation, you ccsnt send some2a cheque or bill without the full name can you

Of course you can Hmm

I can’t remember the last time I saw a title on a cheque. In fact even my bank and credit card companies have stopped putting my title on cards, chequebooks etc.

catspyjamas123 · 18/11/2020 09:10

Being uppity rocks!

OP posts:
Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 09:11

Titles are not part of the legal name, you can still bank a cheque without the title. My full name is Firstname Surname, the title is an optional extra.

Exactly. You can use whatever title you want and it doesn't have to be the same one as it is not part of your legal name. Basically, titles are a waste of time. I suspect that if everything wasn't computerised nowadays it would be easier to drop them. I have tried when filling in forms but the computer usually says "no".

MiaMarshmallows · 18/11/2020 09:12

My niece is mid thirties and hates being referred to as 'Miss' as she feels she is too old for it. Yet also hates 'Ms' so she's pretty stuck Grin

Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 09:15

@MiaMarshmallows

My niece is mid thirties and hates being referred to as 'Miss' as she feels she is too old for it. Yet also hates 'Ms' so she's pretty stuck Grin
She should just switch to Mrs. They do that in a lot of countries. Why not? This thread is making me think that I will switch to Mrs more often or perhaps something else. To be honest I used titles pretty randomly. They make no difference whatsoever.
MrsToothyBitch · 18/11/2020 09:16

@catspyjamas123 you may be right on that but that has not been my personal experience. I grow up in and still live in an "urban"/commuter belt area, stones throw from London with plenty of other young professionals. People call themselves what they like- plenty of "miss"es.

A lot of my London socialising is done with people who come up to town from the country to do so or split their time though (or spend it in a club on Pall Mall). I definitely know some husband hunters. I can ask them if they're merely in it for the money and possible titles as I'd assumed, if you like- or whether their motivation is to avoid the villagers back home chucking them in the river to see if they float?

greeneyedlulu · 18/11/2020 09:21

Buy one of those gift plots of land and become a Lady instead, that will shut people up!

1stTimeMama · 18/11/2020 09:31

I don't want to be a Miss or Ms, thanks. I'm a Mrs and proud of it! I think it's H&M that don't have the Mrs option on the name section, you can be almost anything els, but not a Mrs.

MrsToothyBitch · 18/11/2020 09:32

@greeneyedlulu I know someone who did that because she wanted a title. Now she is sad. I also heard of someone using Lady on junk mailing/with companies she didn't trust to see who sells her data on.

LimeLemonOrange · 18/11/2020 09:33

I'd never given this any thought, but now I've read parts of this thread I'm appalled that women have to reveal their marital status through their title.

Ms does have some negative associations I think, but I'm going to start using it anyway.

Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 09:36

@greeneyedlulu

Buy one of those gift plots of land and become a Lady instead, that will shut people up!
You don't even need to buy the gift plot to call yourself "Lady".
Belladonna12 · 18/11/2020 09:36

@1stTimeMama

I don't want to be a Miss or Ms, thanks. I'm a Mrs and proud of it! I think it's H&M that don't have the Mrs option on the name section, you can be almost anything els, but not a Mrs.
Another person who is proud to be married. How sad...
bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 09:37

I don't want to be a Miss or Ms, thanks. I'm a Mrs and proud of it!

Why are you so proud of it?

daisypond · 18/11/2020 09:40

@1stTimeMama

I don't want to be a Miss or Ms, thanks. I'm a Mrs and proud of it! I think it's H&M that don't have the Mrs option on the name section, you can be almost anything els, but not a Mrs.
Why are you proud? What new title does your DH now have to indicate his married status so he can be equally proud?
Nicknamegoeshere · 18/11/2020 09:46

I once had a funny chat with a guy on the phone when I was changing my name back to Miss Family Name upon divorce (I was very young when I married and naively went Mrs Husband's Name - yuck!)

Me: I'd like to change from Mrs Married Name to Miss Family Name on the system please as I'm finally divorced. Woohoo!
Him: OK I'll just do that for you. Sorry to hear about your divorce.
Me: Don't be sorry, I'm absolutely delighted to be legally unattached from the complete idiot! Grin

movingonup20 · 18/11/2020 09:49

Bugs me too. I don't actually see why we need any title, I have a name

peachgreen · 18/11/2020 09:50

I was a very happy Mrs until my husband died. Now I understand why people hate being asked. Of course I'm still a Mrs but honestly, I'd rather not have a) people assume my husband is still alive and around when I say Mrs and b) not be reminded of my loss every time I answer.

Searchesforhipbones · 18/11/2020 09:53

[quote MrsToothyBitch]@catspyjamas123 you may be right on that but that has not been my personal experience. I grow up in and still live in an "urban"/commuter belt area, stones throw from London with plenty of other young professionals. People call themselves what they like- plenty of "miss"es.

A lot of my London socialising is done with people who come up to town from the country to do so or split their time though (or spend it in a club on Pall Mall). I definitely know some husband hunters. I can ask them if they're merely in it for the money and possible titles as I'd assumed, if you like- or whether their motivation is to avoid the villagers back home chucking them in the river to see if they float?[/quote]
MrsToothyBitch, I am just going to give you massive props here for coming back and engaging and explaining your point of view. It's really interesting. This is what I love Mumsnet for - passionate debate about different ways of being.

The name and title thing is SO divisive.

For me, it is honestly quite unbearable to think of being inferior to my husband to such a degree that I would have to submit to dropping my own name on marriage - it just feels exactly like Offred in The Handmaid's Tale. (In fact, I don't know why so many people are like 'oh the offred thing is SO AWFUL when they do the same thing - signify themselves as Mrs to show they belong to a man, and then go under his name - Mrs DHname).

BUT, clearly I am if not alone, in a minority. So many people - strong, educated, professional women - I know are absolutely delighted to do this and get right on it at the wedding reception. It's definitely still very normal and indeed the most likely practice. I would never be so rude as to ask someone in real life why, nor do people ask me why I have not done it (although definitely get the uppity side eye).

Anyway, it is very nice to hear your unvarnished view and thanks for sharing it.

MunaZaldrizoti · 18/11/2020 10:02

Unfortunately, OP, there will always be some women who see becoming a Mrs as an achievement. For them, advertising that they are Mrs Thomas Lyle is more important to them than seeing how poisonous it is for women to be seen as Miss (owned by father) or Mrs (owned by husband).

TurquoiseDragon · 18/11/2020 10:09

@FortunesFave

It won't go away until women stop being proud of taking a man's name and becoming "Mrs" and unfortunately, there are still a LOT of women who can't wait for that to happen,
It's going backwards, though. All of the younger generation in my family have automatically changed their name on marriage. It didn't even occur to one that she didn't have to change until I mentioned it after the marriage. Sad
Brefugee · 18/11/2020 10:10

No, we are Fraulein until we marry, then we become Frau
It doesn't bother me if someone asks me my marital status or refers to me as Mrs.

not quite, though, Kolsch is it? You can refer to yourself as Fräulein if you want - but nobody in an organisation (civil service, company, etc) can call you Fräulein - it is not a choice, it is not allowed. And everyone knows that addressing a grown woman (in fact anything other than a little girl, and even then...) as Fräulein is patronising and belittling and done to make a point that they are childish/childlike. It is never done with good intentions.

Frankly, all the Mrs/Miss lovers can get on with it. But Ms/Mr/Mx should be the default. Whenever possible i choose Mx and i love it.

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