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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

877 replies

catspyjamas123 · 17/11/2020 15:20

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 18/11/2020 07:47

I don’t even want an age based one. But I rarely get called my name with title by people. Verbally that is. And in written communication most write title and full name. I just don’t need that title.

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 07:49

I am a Ms and when I marry my fiance i will still be a Ms. I will take his sir name though as it's french and sounds a lot more classy than mine!

Always fascinates me how it’s always the man who has the nicer/easier to spell/classier surname.

Lemonylemony · 18/11/2020 07:51

I get pissed off when 'Mr' is listed first, even the forms with options like 'Lady' or 'Colonel' why is the first option 'Mr'.
That’s just thoughtless everyday sexism in action isn’t. Even if you’re putting the most popular options top (like nationalities when ‘British’ is first and then the rest of the world alphabetically) - the most popular 3/4 alphabetically would be: Miss, Mr, Mrs, Ms, and then Admiral, Brigadier, Captain, Dame, Doctor, Father etc

SoupDragon · 18/11/2020 07:53

Always fascinates me how it’s always the man who has the nicer/easier to spell/classier surname.

You are easily fascinated by nonsense then.

HMSSophie · 18/11/2020 07:57

Im thinking this morning that I may be a Mr from here on. And change my traditional female first name to traditional male first name. In fact I may just become my dad - well, in name only.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/11/2020 07:58

I understand that while a good number of women choose to never work or give up work and have children, depending entirely on their partner or the state for income, then companies will want to use any means necessary to determine financial risk when dealing with them

WTF does that have to do with the price of fish Confused

LondonlovesLola · 18/11/2020 08:01

Barbara
😂😂😂😂

ShipOfTheseus · 18/11/2020 08:02

At what age do little boys stop using Master? Or are they always Mr these days, even from birth?

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 08:07

*I understand that while a good number of women choose to never work or give up work and have children, depending entirely on their partner or the state for income, then companies will want to use any means necessary to determine financial risk when dealing with them

WTF does that have to do with the price of fish confused*

Presumably it means that companies judge your financial risk on marital status. If you are a mrs you are more likely to have child dependents, and more likely to be working PT or not at all. Miss and you may be working, but that is likely to change in the future. Mr and out of the three most likely to be working FT until retirement.

So when deciding whether to allow you to open an account, what your interest rate is, and what your credit limit is, title is more important than you think.

Nomnomarrgh · 18/11/2020 08:12

That’s ridiculous and old fashioned. Millions of married women work full time.

Porcupineheart · 18/11/2020 08:18

Haven't read the full thread but I also hate the title question too and would love it if all businesses/admin forms stopped asking this question. Just use a person's actual name. Avoids the risk of accidentally offending anyone apart from those people who delight in making people address them as [title] [surname] as using their actual name is too 'familiar'. For what it's worth, I'm a 'Dr' and do not use this title at at all.

Why does a title need to come in to it at all? The only exception I can just about accept would be some sort of official ceremony type thing. But even then, let's ditch the titles that state your marital status.

Also I'm curious. I hardly ever see/hear 'Master' as title for a male child/unmarried male but frequently see 'Miss' for female child/unmarried female. Is 'master' dropping out of usage but Miss not?

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 08:18

That’s ridiculous and old fashioned. Millions of married women work full time

Yes, kind of the point of the thread. Why should we have to reveal our marital status in our title and be profiled or stereotyped because of it?

rainkeepsfallingdown · 18/11/2020 08:22

I'm quite happy being Miss Rainkeepsfallingdown, thank you. I personally don't like the way Ms sounds, and I'm definitely not a Mrs.

Miss reveals I'm not married - it doesn't make any other assumptions or judgements.

Now, in France, people have long stopped called me Mlle and have started calling me Mme, which is vaguely depressing, because it just means I now look old. It's a bit judgey.

You do you.

burnoutbabe · 18/11/2020 08:26

@bluebluezoo

*I understand that while a good number of women choose to never work or give up work and have children, depending entirely on their partner or the state for income, then companies will want to use any means necessary to determine financial risk when dealing with them

WTF does that have to do with the price of fish confused*

Presumably it means that companies judge your financial risk on marital status. If you are a mrs you are more likely to have child dependents, and more likely to be working PT or not at all. Miss and you may be working, but that is likely to change in the future. Mr and out of the three most likely to be working FT until retirement.

So when deciding whether to allow you to open an account, what your interest rate is, and what your credit limit is, title is more important than you think.

But if companies need to know you are married they would have to ask that question?

Not judge you on a title. Which men don't have anyway and also any woman can use any title. I could use mrs without being married or miss if I was married. So if someone needs to know (insurance maybe) they need to ask.

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2020 08:28

*But if companies need to know you are married they would have to ask that question?

Not judge you on a title. Which men don't have anyway and also any woman can use any title. I could use mrs without being married or miss if I was married. So if someone needs to know (insurance maybe) they need to ask*

Yes, if they need to know.

However it doesn’t stop companies where your marital status isn’t relevant using title to gain this information and then profiling you. Even if it’s just to send you shitloads of spam on hoovers and hairdryers, rather than investment opportunities and sports cars.

draughtycatflap · 18/11/2020 08:29

Pierce them with a regal stare and announce it’s “Empress Catspyjamas” then hiss till they run away.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/11/2020 08:29

Miss reveals I'm not married - it doesn't make any other assumptions or judgements

It doesn't actually. Being married doesn't automatically or legally change a woman's name from Miss Last Name to Mrs Husband's Last Name. The woman has to choose to make the change.

It is perfectly possible to be married and call yourself Miss, Mrs or Ms, or unmarried and use any of those, or even a combination in different situations either by accident or design.

My car is registered to Mrs Seville because the dealer I bought it from made the assumption that was my title when he filled in the paperwork to send off the registration.

My driving licence is in the name Miss Seville because I applied for it when I was 16 and didn't know any better and as a chronic procrastinator haven't got round to doing anything about it.

My insurance is in the name Ms Seville because that's the name I've used for at least 25 years when forced to use a title. And no, that doesn't make my insurance invalid.

echt · 18/11/2020 08:32

What Barbara said.

pinpinbin · 18/11/2020 08:34

I vote yanbu in principle, but tbh I don't really find it too much of a big deal (though it's annoying and wrong). Thes day is it Miss or Mrs? And I say it's Ms.

I have been doing this for 20 years without incident or issue. It's only older people that still do it I find so hopefully on its way out.

catspyjamas123 · 18/11/2020 08:38

Interesting so many people say it’s not a big deal yet 975 have voted and 470 commented! It probably is quite a big deal.

OP posts:
hellymissy · 18/11/2020 08:43

The problem is OP, in my job I've referred to someone as Mrs instead of Ms and had complaints, I've also used Ms (legally this covers both married and unmarried despite the misconception it is for divorced) and guess what...a complaint.

So I'm with you I think it's sexist BS as men are Mr end of, but I think it is in part because of how some women react if you get it wrong it's just not worth the Agro.

MrsToothyBitch · 18/11/2020 08:51

@ShipOfTheseus I presume boys go from Master to Mr when they reach 18 or so. Back in the days when the Bystander used to do "formal" naming, it seemed to be late teens/whenever they looked old enough to actually get away with it. It looked old fashioned even in the early 00s though, not surprised they dropped it.

I gather my comment wasn't too popular (incidentally at @Beamur, having read your little dig, I'd beg to differ as to which of us is the REAL bitch here, sweetie) and I'd like to apologise - although I hope some of had a good giggle at me, we all need one in these times- I knew putting it on here would be a kamikaze move. After I posted, I looked back as to why I think that though as I was curious and I simply don't think I've ever seen the term used without a negative connotation IRL. I also rarely see it amongst my friends- they are Dr, Miss or Mrs, mostly. They just are. Ms just seems so ugly and grating as a sound to me, too. Like a chainsaw. I couldn't bear it at the start of my name.

The sort of teachers I had who chose to be "Ms" rather than "Miss" or "Mrs" and who obviously weren't "Dr" didn't endear it to me (including one VERY bitter divorcee) - and my own mother is rather down on it- she married late and is very much a Mrs- which didn't help the perception. As someone else mentioned upthread, Jilly Cooper may also have something to answer for- I read her at an impressionable age! When I worked front of house, it was also usually the Ms Brigade who seemed to be the least pleasant about their titles being incorrectly recorded (not by me- Inputting their info wasn't my job) which also may have coloured my views a
little.

I also move in circles where I suppose "Ms" would probably get you a bit of a side eye, too, for being uppity. I appreciate that perhaps that's really, really old fashioned and I must look ridiculous but in real life I don't really care what anyone calls themselves. FWIW I go to great trouble to try and put correct titles on cards and letter addresses - Ms, Mrs, Dr, Arch Demon, whatever. The older ladies on my Christmas card list all prefer Miss, too- and are much keener on being addressed as Miss whoever than just "Jane" or "Anna", too so that was probably habit forming. I don't care what title people actually use or their marital staus.

If I got hitched I would change my name though. Almost every woman I know who has been married recently has, so it's not that uncommon, and I like the feeling of unity it gives. I have no problem being Mrs His Initial His Name either, but I can see why many don't. For me it's an identity in itself, but not everyone feels that way at all. Your identify should be what you want.

Anyway, I've made enough of a prat of myself on here this morning, crack on!

melisande99 · 18/11/2020 08:51

@rainkeepsfallingdown

I'm quite happy being Miss Rainkeepsfallingdown, thank you. I personally don't like the way Ms sounds, and I'm definitely not a Mrs.

Miss reveals I'm not married - it doesn't make any other assumptions or judgements.

Now, in France, people have long stopped called me Mlle and have started calling me Mme, which is vaguely depressing, because it just means I now look old. It's a bit judgey.

You do you.

I became Madame at age 20 in France Grin I don't think it's because I looked old! It was because I was living and working there alone, so clearly an adult. The year before, I'd visited with my mum and been called Mademoiselle, because I was in the role of "accompanied teenager". I didn't grow grey hair and wrinkles between the ages of 19 and 20 Wink
autumnleaves1220 · 18/11/2020 08:56

I can understand your point of view. At work we usually default everyone to "ms" to avoid asking a unneeded question but you always get the odd person who gets really annoyed and is like "I am a MRS!!" Or "I am a DR!!!" You really can't win.

In all honestly I couldn't care less what your title actually is I just need to fill that box, it makes no difference at all 🙄

It is awkward tho. It's also the same if someone comes in with children. You've always got to ask what their surname is as they don't necessarily have the same as the children. And sometimes people take offence to that "obviously it's smith!!!" Well it's not obvious... it may not have been?!?

I think what upsets one person doesn't upset another. It's a tricky one.

catspyjamas123 · 18/11/2020 08:59

What’s interesting is urban professionals appear to favour Ms and not being treated differently because you are female. Meanwhile there seem to be pockets of the country where people are living in a bygone age and choir mistresses presumably still cycle to church on penny farthings. Unattached women are “bitter” or “militant boots” or both. They will be burnt as witches next. So different from the life I know.

OP posts:
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