Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

[catspyjamas123]

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

I find it interesting someone said Ms is aggressive. Why is that? Maybe because someone has given you stereotyped ideas about militant feminist “boots”? Thank God for the boots! Where would be be without them! Not aggressive, just assertive.

The Fraulein, Senorita, Mademoiselle etc are only used for women up to a certain age so it’s age related. Past a certain age it’s Madame etc whatever your marital status.
I didn’t used to care and used to think Ms was ridiculous but I now realise it’s none of anyone’s business whether I’m married or not (I am as it happens) and use Ms. Used it before marriage and use it after.
If men don’t have to give away their marital status why should we? And more importantly why should our marital status matter?

@OwlOne

Being proud to be married is embarrassing. Taking pride in having worked to keep the marriage close, ok, i get that, but just being proud to be married is moronic. It is not an achievement. It is harder to be single in a world set up for couples after all.

Very true. It's very weird being proud just to be married.

@Lucylaine can’t you just avoid titles altogether? “Dear jane smith” isn’t uncommon these days.
Or change the data collection to include preferred address..

I'm divorced and a Miss Family Name and when I remarry I will be a Miss Family Name 😊

I voted YANBU because I too believe that we should scrap the Miss and Mrs and just have Ms. Some more intelligent (imo) companies have done that and when I orders Idon’t remember what therewas only the Ms option.

However, some people really live their MRS and they get quite antsy when you get it wrong (at work). My MIL got very upset when I started calling her Ms after her separation. Weird. I want to be a Ms but I hate the pronounciation.

Sorry about typos. I got all heated up

I've been Ms my whole life, married or not.

I like Miss - it sounds like I didn't ever marry the idiot! 😂

@ShirleyPhallus

How about Mx?

Utterly ridiculous.

Miss, Mrs or Ms - use whichever you prefer, regardless of your marital status.

I may go back to Miss

@IcedPurple

'Why? The majority of people get married at some stage, and nearly half of them divorce, so it's hardly some rare achievement.

Is your husband also proud of being married? If so, what title does he use to advertise his status to the world?'

Yes 'I' am proud of being married. I have been with my husband for 20 years. My being marriage has been the bedrock of the success of our relationship. The times when we've been really low, being married gave me the strength and perseverance to stick with it. This of course is just my opinion on my marriage and what it means to me. Although I agree with your sentiment that being married isn't rare, but for me, I have been married once, so my marriage and our relationship to me is rare.

I've asked my husband and he said yes he is proud to be married.

Although I agree with the sentiment that the name structure is archaic, for me and my marriage, I have never been made to feel like the little woman. Before we did get married we had a serious discussion about whose surname and what surname to go for. Although his prefix doesn't denote his marital status, his ring does.

I agree, would prefer to more easily select Ms.

The UK is really behind the rest of the world in this aspect.

In the US and Canada, Ms is the default and Mrs and Miss are used less and less. I think Oz and NZ are the same. When English is used in international contexts in general, again, Miss and Mrs are really falling out of use--if titles are used, Ms is now the main default title. I find it so weird when I go back to the UK and see Miss and Mrs being used all the time.

Almost as weird as the people who are "proud to be married".... er, why? It's not really much of an achievement in itself.

@catspyjamas123 I married for life so I won't be 'getting out of it' mumsnet is full of marriage being a contractual legal agreement. But that aside some people do actually marry for love you know. I've got a degree and work. Its not my only achievement. But I am proud of my traditional marriage. I like being Mrs. So what.

@Savourysenorita most of us think we are marrying for life. Can you be sure your husband won’t pull the plug on it at some stage? I’m sure you think he won’t but it happens....often.

The point I made at the beginning was that companies should not be asking if I am Miss, Mrs or Ms before I sign up for an electricity contract or whatever. There should be one standard title, as there is for men.

You can feel proud to be married if you like but there does seem to be an oddly defensive attitude from some posters here.

Even if your marriage is blissful, surely you must see some women are the victims of all types of abuse in marriage. It’s not a fairytale for everyone.

@catspyjamas123 my marriage has not been bliss. Its been hard work at times. Very bloody hard work. Certainly not all rainbows and butterflies believe you me. But we're a team. Weathered the storms. Its what marriage Is. I'm still proud to be married and be Mrs. My DH Is significantly older than me and took him a heck of a long time to decide to ask me to marry him after having a dreadful experience with adultery the first time round. Doubt he'd pull the plug. We're 10 years in so here's to hoping anyway!

Ps don't talk to me about abuse. Really don't go there. I've had sexual emotional and physical oh and financial at the hands of an ex so yep I do understand adverse experiences. Still doesn't mean I'm going to let that destroy my pride in being married.

Like I said before, the key word is 'choice'. So people should be asked what they prefer to be called, then it should be respected. Equally the people on here (including me) who are proud of being Mrs or Miss shouldn't be slated for it. It's a poor show if people's choices aren't respected - both ways.

The point I made at the beginning was that companies should not be asking if I am Miss, Mrs or Ms before I sign up for an electricity contract or whatever. There should be one standard title, as there is for men.
But by asking they're giving you the choice to give your preferred title. It might be Mr, Mrs or Dame, Lady, Sir, etc etc. Eg among my friends and family I can think of about 8 different titles, only one of which is Ms. I don't want a standard title. Some men don't, either - So the modern way should be for everyone to be asked how they like to be addressed.

But by asking they're giving you the choice to give your preferred title

Why not ask what my preferred title is then, as I use neither Miss, Mrs or Miss. My preferred title is none, i would rather drop it completely in most cases.

Why do I have to give a title to sign up to an electricity contract. Why can’t I omit that if I choose.

Titles are nearly always compulsory fields when there is no need. Makes me think that maybe it does matter which I use, and the company profiles me on whether I’m married, single, a militant feminist boot, or a man.

Totally agree, my marital status has feck all to do with anyone else. I'm happily married but I bet I have been asked about my status 000s of time more than my other half.

I'd rather something neutral or no title at all. It annoys me no end that the mortgage I have made every payment on is now addressed to Mr Shiraz and Mrs Chablis Wine. Fecking liberty to put his name first cos he is a menz

Titles are nearly always compulsory fields when there is no need. Makes me think that maybe it does matter which I use, and the company profiles me on whether I’m married, single, a militant feminist boot, or a man

Actually, that’s quite interesting. I wonder if I started signing up to stuff as Mr or Mrs, my targeted ads and marketing might change 🤔. I don’t think they insist on titles for no reason...

@Lucylaine

Im a PA (and a never married 30yr old MS), I work in an industry where I need to address letters/phone calls to women. Our clients send first name, surname, I have no indication of whether the woman is married, single, divorced, a lady, a doctor etc. I use Ms on every account, unless corrected, I have to use something!

It's very difficult, people aren't psychic, no one is addressing you in a way to offend you. They are asking what you'd prefer. People can't win, as you get multiple complaints of "NO! IM MARRIED, ITS MRS "husband's name" in the same time as the other complaints. If I use Ms, I get emails saying "I'm not divorced, it's Miss". Unfortunately we live in a world where these titles are what they are, it I beyond someone working in a service role. Most are doing their best to not offend you.

What's stopping you using the first name, seeing as they have given it to you?

You need to write to Jane Smith, so you address your letter 'Dear Jane' it's what we do and no-one has ever complained to my knowledge.

If it's a compulsory title field in software, see if you can get it changed.

Christ, this doesn’t bother me at all.