Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

[catspyjamas123]

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

So depressing that these threads about women's surnames and titles always get so many "why on earth would you get so bothered over something so trivial", "It's me that gets to decide what my name is so what's the issue", etc etc type of answers. How how how can women in the 21st system still be OK with a naming and title system that deems men superior??? It is not a small thing or a harmless tradition!!

@FortunesFave

It won't go away until women stop being proud of taking a man's name and becoming "Mrs" and unfortunately, there are still a LOT of women who can't wait for that to happen,

This.

The whole 'proud to be married thing' baffles me. Marriage is pretty much the default state for adults over a certain age. You don't have to be clever, or beautiful or kind or anything else in order to get hitched. And nearly half of those who do get married end up getting divorced.

Only ever use Ms - and don't get questioned on it.
Was in a store that I needed to fill in something online - complained like hell because there wasn't an option of Ms. Manager apologised profusely, "new" program - I insisted on using Mr, as I wasn't going to use Miss or Mrs.
TBF, and it is an international chain, Ms had been included when I was there again about six weeks later - the manager saw me and insisted that I go and see the latest version of the software.

We combined our names at marriage but I didn’t ever bother to update anything so I’m Ms maiden name, DH is Mr pre-marriage name and DD is Miss combined name. Only time me & DH use the combined marriage surname is for booking family travel or similar. Suits us all fine and no one’s ever queried it.

The whole 'proud to be married thing' baffles me. Marriage is pretty much the default state for adults over a certain age. You don't have to be clever, or beautiful or kind or anything else in order to get hitched

Always on “did you change your name” threads the replies are I was proud to take his name/use mrs to show how committed to the marriage I am.

Funny how men never feel the need to show their commitment or how proud they are to be married by doing the same. And people think that’s ok!

older, sour, uptight, militant, loveless feminist boots.

Proud to be one! And proud I’m a Ms.

That sort of comment is just sycophantic apologism for the misogynistic patriarchy! I have one life and I am not going to live it as a doormat, downtrodden second-class citizen.

There is so much in the system that is innately sexist. This might seem a small matter but the symbolism is massive and it’s with us day in, day out. Even worse that our own sisters see nothing wrong with it.

I’m baffled by why it’s still legal to allow those differentiating titles. It seems to me that it should be such a straightforward thing to sort out.

Another feminist boot here, it annoys me that women have to put up with this archaic, sexist nonsense. I have noticed that some companies address me as Ms without asking now, so we are heading in the right direction.

I think Ms sounds aggressive. It annoys me when people call me that in emails. I'm Mrs (married name) and prior to that I was Miss (maiden name). I don't like people using my first name in emails etc if I don't know them. But other people feel differently, which is fine too. I think the key thing is rather than drop down lists and assumptions, the default should be 'how do you like to be addressed?'. It could be anything then, but no-one is offended. That shouldn't be a tall order.

I like being a Miss 🤷‍♀️ when we get married my dp is taking my name and I'm a bit jelous he gets the fun of a new name but my name is part of my identify and I felt strongly that is didn't want to change it. His choice to take mine but he wasn't particularly attached to his name
I will probably stil end up using Miss even once married, I like the sound of it more than Ms or Mrs.

@catspyjamas123

older, sour, uptight, militant, loveless feminist boots.

Proud to be one! And proud I’m a Ms.

That sort of comment is just sycophantic apologism for the misogynistic patriarchy! I have one life and I am not going to live it as a doormat, downtrodden second-class citizen.

There is so much in the system that is innately sexist. This might seem a small matter but the symbolism is massive and it’s with us day in, day out. Even worse that our own sisters see nothing wrong with it.

I'm with you in every way

@Lemonylemony no not Italy, Denmark . We think it is old-fashioned.

European mumsnetters, is it even possible or socially desirable to change names on marriage where you are?

When I got married almost 30 years ago, it was still the norm to change names, I think. Now people do what they like, keep their own, combine whatever. All variations are possible and socially... well it's nobody's business, so I don't think anybody gives it a second thought . (But I may be wrong concerning more rural areas).

I think some people are deliberately misunderstanding "proud to be married". It's possible to take pride in something even if it's not a rare accomplishment. I'm proud to be my child's mother, and the sister of my siblings, and the daughter of my parents. I don't expect anyone else to be particularly impressed at my familial relationships - obviously I didn't earn them and I'm not related to anyone famous - but I take a warm personal pride in them regardless. "To take satisfaction in, be proud of, or highly value something one owns, has done, or is renowned for." (random online dictionary definition) - I highly value and am satisfied with my family relationships, spouse included.

Actually, thinking about it, I personally quite like that using Mrs casts me as a bit of a house-holding matriarch - I'm not sure I envy my husband as a Mr which just means "any man bearing the following surname". Anyway, I don't expect that to be a popular take on this thread. But I do wonder, if the roles were reversed, if we'd be resenting married men for having a special title while married women had to stick with the one they'd had as a teenager! Interesting thought experiment...

(Btw I'm not one of the posters who has gone down the "I'm proud to be married" route in this thread, but I also think other posters are missing the point and/or being snide about it)

Nb when we got married my husband did suggest taking my name, but I have a brother and he has a sister, plus my maiden name was more common than his surname so we decided jointly to take his name.

@PrincessNutNut -love your user name.

I have always been Ms too. Why would you want to call yourself anything else? Mrs sounds like an old hag.

I’m a mother, sister and daughter. I don’t need any title to indicate that. Sadly I did make the grave mistake of marrying but thankfully it’s over now.

I absolutely love being 'Mrs' I'm not bothered if it comes across that I 'belong' to my husband. I'm proud!

@catspyjamas123

I’m a mother, sister and daughter. I don’t need any title to indicate that. Sadly I did make the grave mistake of marrying but thankfully it’s over now.

Agreed, you don't need a title to indicate those things. But it's interesting to look at various cultures around the world where family relationships absolutely define.the way that people are addressed - men and women alike. In our world we have completely separated the personal and public spheres, so it all sounds pointless to people. But things evolve at varying speeds.

It is also pretty pathetic the “proud to be married” brigade. It’s sad to considering the history where this was the only accomplishment women could have.

@Savourysenorita it doesn’t just come across that you belong to your husband. You do belong to him in law. Just try getting out of it and you’ll find out soon enough.

Totally agree. It's a complete intrusion into my personal life. I was once a witness in court and it was the first question I was asked in the box and whilst I understand they wanted to address me correctly I felt as if my cross examination was being started by asking if I was married or not.

I absolutely love being 'Mrs' I'm not bothered if it comes across that I 'belong' to my husband. I'm proud!

Why though? Why so proud to show you’re married? Most people are marries so it’s not as if it’s an extraordinary achievement.

I find it interesting that the Mrs brigade on another thread thought the idea of a woman using “Dr” was pretentious and showing off, yet it’s completely ok to show off marital status.

Being proud to be married is embarrassing. Taking pride in having worked to keep the marriage close, ok, i get that, but just being proud to be married is moronic. It is not an achievement. It is harder to be single in a world set up for couples after all.

Im a PA (and a never married 30yr old MS), I work in an industry where I need to address letters/phone calls to women. Our clients send first name, surname, I have no indication of whether the woman is married, single, divorced, a lady, a doctor etc. I use Ms on every account, unless corrected, I have to use something!

It's very difficult, people aren't psychic, no one is addressing you in a way to offend you. They are asking what you'd prefer. People can't win, as you get multiple complaints of "NO! IM MARRIED, ITS MRS "husband's name" in the same time as the other complaints. If I use Ms, I get emails saying "I'm not divorced, it's Miss". Unfortunately we live in a world where these titles are what they are, it I beyond someone working in a service role. Most are doing their best to not offend you.

I agree and I hate being called Mrs for some reason. I'm not actually married to my DH but people assume we are, so really he's my DP. So he gets MR rainonarainyday and I get MRS hissurname. I find it very annoying with the DC oh Mrs xxxx, well yes I'm going to answer as it's about my child, but I'm not actually Mrs XXXX, but I don't say anything.

I have been married before and I hated being Mrs then. I don't know I felt owned. Maybe that's why I haven't remarried.

I'd rather be Ms for everyone. The worst is my mother who insists everyone is addressed Mrs mans-name Jones and talks about them like that. Oh Mrs Edwards Jones, her name is Gladys, she's not got a double barrelled name, she is her own person. It annoys me so much !