AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

Wow, his demands and insistence is really galling. He’s really pushing and it’s all about him.

@Alys20 thanks for your advice, and sorry you're still battling.

Just to clarify, my DD was born in the UK and only has a UK passport at the moment. She and I have never lived elsewhere. Also, he is currently working and living in the UK which he has done for the past 5 years. As far as I know, neither him or his parents would even be willing to commit to full-time care of her even if she lived in their country. (Not that I would ever even consider this).

Legal advice does seem to be essential though and I'll seek it ASAP.

You are being far too reasonable with him! You need to stand up for yourself, and for your daughter.

He cannot put conditions on maintenance, end of. Go to CMS and get the claim started.

Offer him a reasonable contact arrangement and tell him to take it to court if he's not happy. Why are you even discussing monthly overseas trips with all the covid travel restrictions??

He's pressuring you because he knows it's the only way to get what he wants, why on earth would you give in to him.

@Quartz2208 good to know!

@MeridianB I know, I'm trying to not get too angry about the fact that he's making all these demands after never having to sacrifice or shoulder any of the responsibility for raising my lovely DD. I wish he would just walk away rather than pursuing a relationship with her which seems to mainly be in an attempt to assuage his own guilt about being an absent father. My favourite part was in his farcical parenting plan when he had to put 'unknown' about any health problems she suffers... Just says it all really!

@dreamingbohemian I haven't given in to any of his requests as of yet and have made it clear that abroad visits are a no go with COVID at the moment anyway.

A small but important point: when discussing pick up and drop off times, a 10 or 15 minute grace period is reasonable. An hour is not, and it will drive you mad with the waiting. If he can make it to work on time, he can pick up his child on time.

And calling to warn you it will be an hour? Only in emergencies. Which happen rarely.

Record, record, record.

I should have read the full thread before i posted last time, but good to see that so many people are giving you the same advice.
I just wanted to come back on here to say you're doing so well with putting your daughter's needs at the centre of all that you're doing.
I well remember the stress of my own situation and how overwhelming it felt sometimes.
Please have some virtual and a big hug.

Re asthma, time off work, him pressuring you etc.

It sounds like you engage far too much in discussion with him.

He's trying to grind you down. Make you feel unreasonable. Confuse things.

Decide on your strategy. Dont be taken off topic. You owe him nothing. He can send endless emails/questions/arguments. He's not entitled to answers.

Only
"Its not in her best interest to go overseas. See my email of date." With suggestions for regular contact etc

You're too nice

I haven't read the entire thread but have a lot of experience with family court. Firstly, please separate maintenance and contact. Even the court do not link them. For maintenance, go directly to the CMS and let them do the calculations and get a deduction of earnings if possible. It is NOT a negotiating tool and you have to stop allowing him to do that. It is nothing to do with contact.

In terms of contact, at her age, I think it is unlikely the court would allow that sort of travel abroad so frequently. He is likely to get the standard every other weekend and a midweek though. However, again, this is entirely dependent on the needs of a child. Do not be afraid of court. They are likely to involve Cafcass who will do safeguarding checks and indeed speak to both of you before making a recommendation. I have never had a solicitor, I have always self represented and just made sure I researched properly, understood the law, made sure I was always reasonable and could offer supporting evidence. There is no legal aid available now unless in cases of DV. This is not one of those situations. The court is very understanding of self-representing litigants in my experience.

If it were me, I'd make a written offer of what contact you are happy with. If he doesn't agree, then he is welcome to make an application.

Again, CMS for maintenance and don't mess around with that as they are on their knees currently as so many staff have been redeployed to UC because of Covid. Get onto that asap. Good luck.

@Calligraphy572 I agree, I feel like an hour gives him too much leeway again. However, not sure what's reasonable in terms of him giving notice that he won't be turning up at all?

@MadinMarch Thanks so much. I know he can't force me to give up my DD to go abroad at the moment but the stress and worry is still there. It's making me feel ill at the moment and I'm trying to distance myself so I'm still present and happy for DD.

@GabriellaMontez So true. I'm naive in expecting him to listen to logic. His tone is so emotionless and blunt that I sort of expected him to respond rationally but of course the discussion hasn't achieved anything.

@TheFormidableMrsC Thanks so much for your advice. I think I'm gradually losing my fear of court involvement after the helpful responses. At least it would be more likely achieve consistency. I'm a fairly avid researcher myself and it's good to know that my efforts might be helpful, rather than feeling I'd be lost without a lawyer representing me.

The main thing for your child’s father to accept, is that contact is for the benefit of the child, and not a right of the non-resident father. So far he has not done his utmost to do what is best for her and I don’t believe that he will change, even after a court order. What I don’t think he appreciates is that a court will expect mediation to have taken place to determine whether a hearing is necessary. If he agrees to a plan of contact, maintenance and consistency during mediation it may not come to a hearing. However if you are worried about his flat sharers, the former addiction and any other issues, it’s possible that background checks may be done and he may also be subject to these, which could mean no overnight stays with him for your child.

I think you have a lot of good reasons at the moment to limit contact until you have sorted all the issues out, and he proves he can be consistent, improves timekeeping, pays maintenance and does what is best for DD, not just what suits him.

@tuesdayschild17... Just to spell it out, it doesn't matter what you would or wouldn't consider. When international law gets involved, it's out of your hands to some extent. Once she's in his country, he can say whatever he likes about you, and you then have to spend £££ on proving him wrong. And you have to make an urgent court application to get her returned, more pain and £££. You do not want to go there.

What he or his family says now, won't necessarily correspond to what he does. My ex took two of my children to see his parents for an Xmas holiday, then refused point blank to return them.

Why is he now wanting all this family contact when he's previously been a massive flake? Alarm bells.

Don't trust, don't negotiate, get protected.

Sorry OP, I just realised there was more than one page! Glad to see you are making a plan to push back. He's being so ridiculously unreasonable.

The current covid rules say travel is allowed to keep current contact arrangements only. I can't see how what he's pushing is allowed.

@tuesdayschild17 Before any application, the court would have expected you to attend mediation. This is a nuisance and also quite expensive so you may have to try and scrape the money together for that. The good thing about mediation, is that while it doesn't always work (and indeed it ONLY works if you are both invested in a positive outcome) the mediator is trained in law and will be able to tell you what the most likely outcome will be. If your ex refuses to co-operate or indeed, mediate, then the mediator will sign you off with a certificate meaning that a court application can proceed.

Not turning up: my hairdresser asks for 48 hours; dc's music teacher wants 24, or I get charged.

So, pick 24 or 48? Both reasonable and allow you to make plans.

[quote tuesdayschild17]@PaperTowels Grandparents as in 'my parents' or his? Because his parents have lived in a different country from DD prior to her birth and never hinted that they wanted us to relocate in order to be in the same country as them? We met in the UK and this is where DD was born and has lived all her life..[/quote]
So why his sudden need to take her to them once a month?!!!

What country are they in?

@Alys20 Okay, useful to know. I will consider more carefully the risk involved in him taking her abroad as well.

@TheFormidableMrsC I guess mediation is a viable option and wouldn't be opposed to it if that was the route he wanted to go down prior to court.

@Calligraphy572 That seems fair. Thank you.

@PaperTowels Unfortunately, I think the sudden need is because previously I allowed them to pick and choose how and when they saw her because I was naive and trying to be flexible. (Although I had tried several times to put in place solid visitation plans to no avail). After the summer, I initiated the discussion about him starting to give financial support. I think the firmness of my tone and the fact that this irked him, lead him to discuss with parents and push for the maximum that suits them. He tends to go home once a month anyway and the father does not like travelling. Therefore, for them it's an ideal way for them to have DD conveniently. (I'm not saying I agree with this. Just trying to explain the logic of why he is suddenly insisting on these visits.) I think he thinks that if he has to pay he should get the arrangements that suit him too. A lot of which is pushed by his parents.

I currently live in the UK and my daughter is only a UK passport holder. I would have thought that any custody arrangements would therefore be decided in a court over here.

OP it really does make a huge difference as to which country he's taking her to. Google Sally Faulkner for example...

So what if he decides to stay there with her, one month....

I think you are being a bit naive about this. What country are they in?

If he's late I would give him 15/20 minutes.

Then go out to your appointment. Where you dont have phone reception. Text him and apologise that you're not contactable until x time.

If he contacts you as a one off and says he's stuck in traffic for eg it would be reasonable to give him a bit longer.

His demands are inconsistent. If he doesn't have regular overnights in the UK with your daughter because he doesn't want them, then I really don't see that overnight visits abroad are in dd's best interests at all.

This! You see this all the time and it makes me so angry - he doesn’t actually want to be a parent, does he? Because it’s hard work and expensive and a lot of responsibility. But he does want to take your daughter on overseas jaunts to see his parents because that’s fun, and also gives him some power over you.

They are in Ireland.

I mean @PaperTowels he would have to illegally break the lease on his flat and also quit his job and break COVID travel law to do this currently. He has been a twat, but he's yet to have ever not returned her at the appointed time or surprise me with unexpected travel plans. I am not saying it isn't a possibility.

@Buddytheelf85 I know! It's so incredibly frustrating that him and his parents insist on parading her like a show pony in their home country but are actually unwilling to regularly shoulder any responsibility.

Very easy to do all of those things, and Covid restrictions won't last forever.

HOWEVER I also assume your DD can get Irish citizenship, at some point? Will be very useful for her! (Not now, obvs.)

OP our consented order list MIAM took 4 months to get rubber stamped- I doubt he’s getting anything agreed by January and assuming you have her passport then just state you won’t relinquish it without a court order.

I doubt if she’s due to start school court would agree to her travelling monthly as she’d miss so much school.

Once you get her started in school it’s much harder for him to manoeuvre as he has to fit around term dates.

You can state you’re not blocking contact but as he is capable of having a relationship with her here then that’s in her best interests. Then get a court order that allows him 2 weeks abroad (standard arrangement). If you agree something like 4 or 5 weeks across the year do make sure you specify the individual periods don’t exceed a fortnight, or perhaps specify ‘the first 3 weeks of summer hols’ as that’s something we always end up haggling over (not a huge issue but would be easier!)

OK, Ireland is probably the best possible country TBH!

All the same, I think it's too far. The same as if you were in (say) London and he wanted to take her to the Scottish Highlands once a month. It's just too long a journey at her age.