AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

1. You’re already going to get finances sorted through CMS - good.

1. Family courts will decide on what’s in the best interests of the child, which is normally keeping a relationship with both parents. You are already facilitating this (and he’s demonstrably being a bit crap even with the arrangements you already have). Your DD’s dad wants to take her abroad (in a hugely disruptive way) to facilitate contact with her Grandparents. Grandparents don’t have any rights to contact with their grandchildren except in very specific circumstances. I’m pretty sure courts won’t see that as in the child’s best interests, especially given the arrangements he’s proposing. If grandparents want to see her, they need to come here. Stick to your guns, be strong, don’t let him convince you otherwise.

Stop being so nice. This loser who turns up when he feels like it and won't financially contribute towards raising his own child doesn't get to call the shots. CMS and court ordered access is the way to go. Take back control.

This in spades op. I’m sorry you’re ground down by all of this. Given he is a proven addict (which could in itself trigger social services concerns) and flat shares with unknown people I would have no qualms about refusing to send her for overnights if you weren’t comfortable. Let him take you to court. Let’s see what a judge would make of it .

@Mooey89 I see! Good to know that this is something I'll have to plan for in the future.

My biggest fear is he would not bring her back. I wouldn't let her go.

@BlackeyedSusan doesn't sound bossy at all! I definitely think this is what I'll be saying to him.

@Mooey89

He didn’t go abroad until he was about 5 and I still had to agree but would have needed really good reasons for saying no. He did have a weeks contact summer and Easter in the uk

I have no experience of this but the way you are describing this man, you have good reasons for saying no to overnights and trips abroad. Limited contact and thus limited relationship with him, can’t be arsed attitude, little regard for your dd’s welfare ie going abroad once a month whilst living in shares accommodation and paying zero for her upkeep, manipulator (putting conditions on paying maintenance), addiction issues, historic issues when your dd returned from the last trip abroad. Have I missed anything out?

@Aebj It's not essential at the moment at all. However, he's pushing regardless as there aren't quarantine restrictions between UK and the other country. Also, separated parents still have rights to see their child but just not abroad as far as I can tell.

Sorry in case that wasn’t clear, it was in response to ops comments rather than your ex Mooey. I’m sorry you had to send your ds so young.

@pencilpot99 I agree. I definitely feel that if the grandparents want to see my daughter, they can take the burden of travel on themselves (not on her). It's good to know that a court would take that into account.

A bit on the side but to prevent him from applying for a second:new passport for her, I believe you can have a note at the Passport Office to not issue a new one without your consent. And to all saying you can travel with your child without permission of the other person with PR: you may have gotten away with it but you can certainly be stopped. I have been stopped several times when travelling alone with my DC. It is precisely to prevent parental child abduction. Some EU countries are extremely strict on this. It has happened to me also once when returning to the UK.

I think I would be say something like
Yes happy for you to see her, here in the UK but due to COVID and the health risks associated with it , she is not to leave the UK.
Gives you time to sort legal advice

@Mummyoflittledragon no that about covers it. There have been months/weeks where he's gone without contact with her or even a message to check if she's alright. The same with the grandparents. They then suddenly change their mind and want to play happy families. It drives me up the wall.

@cochineal7 I'll look into blocking him for applying for another passport for her. I don't know if it makes any difference but she has the same nationality passport as me but not him.

Yes to pp emphasising that money and contact should be dealt with separately and I see you’re putting in a CMA claim ASAP. Great start.

With contact, you have shown yourself to care far more about your DDs needs than him so have no qualms in (calmly and assertively) setting out what you think is appropriate contact. No overseas is fine if that’s what you think and DEFINITELY inform him that he has set times for collections and if he’s not there within, say, an hour contact doesn’t happen that week.

He will threaten you with court. Court is not a threat, it’s a resource for parents who can’t decide between themselves. See this as a good thing as you will end up with concrete arrangements.

Yes, expensive if you have lawyers but consider self-representing. The family courts are all for making allowances for those who don’t know the system. You stick to deadlines, do your best to provide info, advocate for your DD as you have here and stick to the facts.

That said, it doesn’t sound like your ex would actually take it that far. If he gets legal advice, he’ll know you’re being reasonable and he’d - at best - get a tiny bit more than you’re offering, probably at enormous cost to him.

Ignore his assertions of what a court would do. He’s bluffing and trying to bully you. Do not sign anything unless court sanctioned.

Good luck!

CMS - even if he fails to pay you’re in no worse a situation, and it’s decoupling the maintenance issue from the contact issue.

See a solicitor, I’d think it would be worth you getting a residence order so that it’s legally confirmed that your daughter lives with you, ask for enforcement powers so that your child must be legally returned to you and block him being able to apply for a passport (ideally in his country as well as uk) if possible on the basis that he wants to take your daughter abroad without you and you don’t consent. Residence order will also mean you can take her on holiday without his consent I think.

Once that is done, and if you are satisfied he is sober, you can allow the weekly contact on the agreement that he arrives within a reasonable time window and he collects and returns. Can he commit to this consistently? If he wants to apply to court for extended contact you can raise the concerns of addiction and the court can order a drug and alcohol test if needed.

@Aebj I have already said this to him and he's made various flimsy arguments about asthma not being a real risk for complications of COVID. I've pointed out that even without serious complications, looking after my daughter solo with possible flu-like symptoms in isolation would jeopardise my income and be incredibly stressful. I've constantly reiterated that I am just trying to minimise the risk and that non-essential flights at the moment aren't a necessary risk.

I just feel he wants to have his cake and eat it at the moment. He wants to have the right to dictate exactly how and when he sees her without any responsibility. He has stated that he can rearrange any Sunday at a weeks notice, and can arrive anytime between 9-12am to pick her up

It's all about him him him isn't it?
Make sure you keep this evidence as it seems to sum up his lack of committment to your daughter. His Sunday plans are totally out of order- he needs to commit to a regular day and regular time, so your dd knows what to expect.
I wouldn't be agreeing to any of his demands at the moment while she was so young. Don't let him intimidate you with the threat of court proceedings. If neccessary you could represent yourself- a daunting process I know, but don't let him see that. He'd look pretty silly in Court, when he can't even properly commit to every Sunday and regular times!
His demands are inconsistent. If he doesn't have regular overnights in the UK with your daughter because he doesn't want them, then I really don't see that overnight visits abroad are in dd's best interests at all. You have no duty to ensure contact with grandparents and you have evidence that your dd currently finds that too difficult.
I went through something similiar with my dd's dad, and i know how stressful it all is.
For what it's worth, I'd keep it very simple for now and test his basic committment. In your shoes I'd be telling him (yes, telling, not negotiating) that you won't be offering anything else at the moment apart from the Sunday's and give him exact times to collect and deliver her back to you, as you believe this best suits your daughter's needs for contact at the moment. I'd insist that this continues for 6 months and that you'll review the arrangements at the end of the 6 months. It'll be interesting to see if he keeps to this.
No going abroad in this time either, but if his parents visit your country for the weekend then you'd be happy for them to have some contact with her.
Make a claim to the CSA now- maintenance payments and contact are completely separate issues. Remember the courts are also very much of this view.
This way, you take back some of the power he thinks he has.
Lastly, bear in mind that men like you describe him to be, often lose interest in contact when they have to make a regular committment, so don't 'big him up' too much to your dd. I could write reams on this, but thats an issue worthy of it's own thread.
Actually, another thing is, what was the nature of his addiction? Is he absolutely clean now? (sorry, haven't read the full thread) A year isn't really very long, and I'd be wary of overnight contact in any case, in
case of a relapse. If he's threatening court, one of the benefits to you is that you could ask for regular tests to prove his sobriety etc.

@Brown76 I hadn't heard of a residence order. This definitely seems like something I should look into, so thank you.

I hadn't considered drug and alcohol tests but I think if a court would support it, this is something that would help reassure me of her safety.

@wingardium8 I agree with all your points. I have been a little confused about the process of how legal fees are paid in family court. I have heard that the costs are split down the middle. If I represented myself would I forgo paying lawyer's fees or are the costs still split down the middle? If so, it would be frustrating ending up in a situation where I am paying for half of his lawyer without having legal support myself.

[quote tuesdayschild17]@Brown76 I hadn't heard of a residence order. This definitely seems like something I should look into, so thank you.

I hadn't considered drug and alcohol tests but I think if a court would support it, this is something that would help reassure me of her safety.[/quote]
This is why you shouldn't look on court as a "threat", as PPs have said, but as a way to formalise an arrangement.

I bet her grandparents want to keep her. I would be fighting tooth and nail against her being taken abroad!

@MadinMarch I think telling him the suitable arrangements and not offering an alternative definitely seems to be the way to go at the moment. I'm sorry that you've had to go through something similar, but it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one.

His addiction was a functional one for a while. (Not going to mention specific substances in case it's too outing but it was alcohol alongside other things). But he was able to hold down a job for a long time and turn up most of the times he was meant to see her. (I didn't know he was an addict at this point so he hid it quite well). A year ago he reached a point of total collapse and did a stint in rehab. This was the first time he told me of his addiction. Since then, I believe he has had a few slip-ups. One I am certain about, as it lead to him cancelling one minute after he was supposed to see DD and then switching his phone off. However, apart from those, which were at the beginning of this year, he has a new job and is totally sober as far as I know, so the courts could consider him in recovery.

@PaperTowels Grandparents as in 'my parents' or his? Because his parents have lived in a different country from DD prior to her birth and never hinted that they wanted us to relocate in order to be in the same country as them? We met in the UK and this is where DD was born and has lived all her life..

Hi OP, from someone who's still getting screwed by an overseas parent more than a decade on, after trying to be "nice": Don't let him take you to court. Don't consider self-representing. Get a solicitor. It's expensive but if they do their job right, it will save you and your daughter years of pain. Go to court now and get an order for your child's welfare. You take charge and call the shots about access.

Also please visit GlobalArrk, website or facebook. The horror stories you will read there are all real and many started with mothers who wanted to be fair. Their advisors have been through similar situations; they are a charity who can help if you need advice on dealing with international parenting.

I would definitely not agree to this, especially in view of the behaviour problems from the last visit.

I would also be refusing on the grounds of his "addiction issues".

He is blackmailing you over money; but you do have the trump card of refusing to provide the appropriate letter about the passport names.

If he is such a moral person, he should recognise how disturbing she found the last trip and place the greatest importance on the child's well-being. Make it clear that it is not in her best interests as it has unsettled her.

costs wise you would pay for your legal fees he would pay for his. You can in some circumstances get an order for the other side to pay for your fees - he wouldnt get this in this instance it tends to be where the case was brought and shouldnt have been. Here I think the court fees would be separated out

I would certainly get initial legal advice even if you do end up doing a bit yourself