Can't bring myself to speak to dp

[ghosty1]

Had an argument with dp on Saturday morning and it's still going on now. I hate living in an atmosphere but I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

He was a proper wanker on Saturday and said something really nasty to my dd because he was in a bad mood. However I see this as no excuse and until he apologises to dd I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.

I tried on Saturday a few times to speak to him but he just sulked on the sofa all day refusing lunch and dinner like a big baby man child and I find it highly unattractive and immature.

I carried on with the kids like normal, took them out for dinner to get away from him. He didn't eat a thing on Saturday and by his own choice slept on the sofa.

Sunday rolls around and he gets up at 12:30 and we don't speak at all until he says he's going to Asda to get the weekly food shop. Comes back with some bits we can probably scrape one or two dinners from. He cooks dinner. Moans at dd again for 'looking at her plate funny' she's there like 'what have I done wrong' I told her to just ignore it and I sat trying to chat with her. Ignoring him (not that he was speaking to me.) He then says he's going to cook dinners while he's wfh.

I know he thinks all this is helpful and it is however I can't get past what he said to dd. I feel like such a mug if I went and spoke to him to try and patch things up again plus I believe it would all be in vain anyway as I don't see him saying sorry to dd which is what I need to happen. But I can't live in this horrible atmosphere for much longer. And it's not fair on the kids either. But I don't see him ever coming to me to sort it out so how long are we going to live like this. So fed up I just don't know what to do.

Depends what was said and why I suppose. Is dd his daughter too?

How long have you been with him? Is he the father of your children? Whose house do you live in?

What did he say? Is he her dad?

Is it possible he's saying he'll cook all meals is a sort of apology without having to actually be a grown up and apologise to your daughter and you?

How old is she?
What did he say?
How long have you been together?

You are modelling really poor behaviour for your daughter. Is this what you want to teach her? Stonewalling? Silence? Not healthy. Both of you need to go to couples counselling to learn to communicate. Contempt is one of the most corrosive things in a relationship. Go read Esther Perel.

The silent treatment is a form of abuse and no way to deal with conflict in relationships.

Is he your daughter's dad or is he your partner? Is he worth making your daughter miserable in her own home and how often does that happen? Does he bring anything other than stress into your lives?

@Jakey056 I know, I never ever in the past done silent treatment. Never. I always want to talk things out and I went to him to try a few times on Saturday but he ignored me every time and now I feel like an absolute mug to try and speak to him again.

We've been together 9 years and have a child together also. He's a good person, he does love my dd but he gets angry with her attitude at times. She's 11 and I admit she can have strops at times which need addressing. Being a step parent is one of the hardest things in the world but this just feels unforgivable to me unless he apologises. I want to tell him that but I can't face another argument

We are renting our house. Looking to buy early next year.

What did he say and why? He sounds like an immature prick anyway, an adult sulking is so unattractive.

Don't go trying to patch things up, think of the nasty thing he said to your DD and throw him out. His nasty comments will probably stay with her forever.

OP you're gonna have to tell us what he said otherwise people can't advise.

Why won't you say what he said?

How long have you been together? Assume he isn't your dad's dad?

The quality of a relationship is defined by the ability to resolve issues..is this the usual pattern?

Saying something nasty to your dd could be a deal breaker, depends on what and his previous behaviour. I would struggle with a partner, who isn't related to my dc being nasty, especially if he can't make anends. If this was a stranger what would you do?

@ghosty1 Thats all fine but YOU are holding out for an apology before you proceed. Thats an issue. He is also at fault but waiting for an apology puts the power in his hands. So act like an adult and suggest discussion and couples counselling. This issue is not him, you or your child exclusively but how you communicate and manage difference. You both personalise it.

@Boom45 he is a nice person but he is lazy. However, he does listen and has changed his lazy behaviours. The dinner making is an example as I've been struggling to keep up with everything and no one in the house is really helping me. This is what the argument was about on Saturday. He said I'm not doing enough on my business and I said to him that everywhere I look there's something I need to do and I feel really overwhelmed... he said 'we all have to live in this environment' and I said yes, but no one else is perceiving it like I do.... no else is seeing tasks and chores they need to do. Like he walks past the 4 piles of washing that need folding and no thoughts cross his mind whereas I feel totally overwhelmed and it's just another thing of the million things I'm struggling to do.

I've recently discovered I have adhd which is why I struggle so much to keep on top of everything. But since we discovered it he's not made any changes to help me, he just thinks adhd is a joke and I should be doing more work but honestly I do everything I can to make sure they all have food, clean clothes etc but I struggle so much with running my own business on top of cleaning the house when they're all not helping. I try to cut myself some slack because I now know why I struggle but it really annoys me when he tells me I'm not doing enough while he does nothing to help me...

As he's wfh atm he spends his lunchtime in bed napping or gaming and then gets up and nags me to make his lunch. This is while I'm working on my own business and I put my foot down and said no, I'm not making your lunch when you're napping for an hour after I've got up with the kids, got them to school, made your breakfast, done some housework, working myself and then comes dinner, cleaning all that shit up every day while he games in the evening. He lays in bed when he's meant to be working too. I'm actually so sick of seeing him laying in bed. So maybe it's been a bit of a shock to him as I'm standing my ground but I'm sick of seeing him lying in bed and then telling me I could be doing more...

Maybe he's got some kind of depression but honestly I just think he's really lazy

As he's wfh atm he spends his lunchtime in bed napping
What a lazy shit!
You’d be better getting rid of him, he sounds a waste of space.

@SBTLove I know he really is lately. I wish he had some spark in him, some ambition

It's hard as the house is a tip and needs tidying and decorating, it can bring anyone's spirit down but pisses me off that he's not helping me with any of it and then moaning at me that I'm not working on my business

He doesn't moan about the house. I think he secretly likes that I'm failing as it gives him a golden ticket not to do anything but because of the adhd I've asked him for help and it's falling on deaf ears

We need to know what he said to your child.

He is lazy and sounds horrible.

I don't obviously expect him to work on his lunch break and napping is fine he can do what he wants on his Lunch break but it's the nagging me once he's up for a sandwich and I just think make it yourself you lazy git... also he then doesn't make lunch and doesn't eat a thing so by dinner he's miserable as sin

I'd say he's lazy, not depressed.

Its hard not knowing what he said, or what happened to cause it.
If hes how you have described him I'm tempted to say he doesn't realise that what he said to dd was hurtful, maybe pointing that out to him would be a good first step.

Reading your updates on not getting help around the house, I think it might be worth agreeing to a housework plan with the whole family, give dd and your other DC jobs to do, tell your partner he needs to do xyz to help you too. A family meeting to agree tasks might be a good idea.
I'm assuming from your posts that you all eat together, so maybe use mealtimes as a chance for family catchups, to discuss what's going on with you all, what you're finding difficult with lockdown, how school is for the children, work for dp, your business for you etc.

I can imagine that this year is getting to everyone so I'm guessing the stress of that is part of the reason he was horrible to your dd. But he may need to be told he was hurtful.

What do you expect? He wants a slave not an equal partnership.
Your job is clearly to serve him, he is letting you know that not serving him has consequences at dinner time.

Why exactly did you choose this man to be the father of your joint child and a stepfather to your dd?

WHAT DID HE SAY TO HER?

I don't think op will tell us - I can only assume because it will be very bad and we will say he has no place in her life...