Can't bring myself to speak to dp

[ghosty1]

Had an argument with dp on Saturday morning and it's still going on now. I hate living in an atmosphere but I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

He was a proper wanker on Saturday and said something really nasty to my dd because he was in a bad mood. However I see this as no excuse and until he apologises to dd I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.

I tried on Saturday a few times to speak to him but he just sulked on the sofa all day refusing lunch and dinner like a big baby man child and I find it highly unattractive and immature.

I carried on with the kids like normal, took them out for dinner to get away from him. He didn't eat a thing on Saturday and by his own choice slept on the sofa.

Sunday rolls around and he gets up at 12:30 and we don't speak at all until he says he's going to Asda to get the weekly food shop. Comes back with some bits we can probably scrape one or two dinners from. He cooks dinner. Moans at dd again for 'looking at her plate funny' she's there like 'what have I done wrong' I told her to just ignore it and I sat trying to chat with her. Ignoring him (not that he was speaking to me.) He then says he's going to cook dinners while he's wfh.

I know he thinks all this is helpful and it is however I can't get past what he said to dd. I feel like such a mug if I went and spoke to him to try and patch things up again plus I believe it would all be in vain anyway as I don't see him saying sorry to dd which is what I need to happen. But I can't live in this horrible atmosphere for much longer. And it's not fair on the kids either. But I don't see him ever coming to me to sort it out so how long are we going to live like this. So fed up I just don't know what to do.

@ghosty1

Ok I'm going to talk to him and I will update after. I'm going to tell him it's apologise or go and that from this moment on if he takes one more dig at my dd out of turn then he can leave.

I remember when I left my first dh and it was just me and dd who was 8 months at the time and we had the best time together. Admittedly I was still fully entrenched with my toxic parents and depending on them. I just need to remember We will be ok

You will be okay ....you will be better than okay. It will be worth it as it will be unbelievably awesome and she will know you always had her back.

This doesn't mean you have no future with DP - he may be shocked enough to change....but so often there are no regrets.

I hope you are okay. If you don't leave now at least keep thinking about it and take steps each day to make a better future for your DD.

I misread and didn't realise you had other DCs.

You can build such a lovely life together - they can still have a relationship with him - but your home should be filled with love.

although he really thinks that's the way to show love, the kids need more than that, they need to hear it and feel it by the way he speaks to them

This is so true, you know what they need, they need to have a loving home.

He cooks dinner. Moans at dd again for 'looking at her plate funny' she's there like 'what have I done wrong' I told her to just ignore it and I sat trying to chat with her. Ignoring him (not that he was speaking to me.)

OP, this is the bit that stood out to me. Did you not say at the time that it was unacceptable? Did you tell her later?

You really need to stand up for your daughter above any man or woman who treats them like that.

My daughter was in an abusive relationship, but it wasn't until the Christmas before she left that he let his guard down and said some horrible things to her in front of me. I made sure that I immediately had a chat with her and told her how shocked I was and that no one should talk to her like that. It opened the floodgates, she told us some of what had been going on and she left him a few months later.

Your children, even when they are adults, need to know that you're on their side against abusive people. How much more does a child of 11 need your protection. Please don't paper over the cracks. It doesn't work and will damage your daughter in the process.

He's had one of the most traumatic childhoods you can imagine and so emotionally he can be like a stone

And someone could very well be saying similar about your dd unless you change things.

Because you say you admire her and her outspokenness but you also shh her when she's upsetting him. So his feelings take priority and dd has to suffer his emotional abuse in silence.

And I know it's not easy but you are complicit in the abuse. Absolutely not intentionally. But you are.

OP, the Freedom Programme is often recommended on here. Perhaps worth a look

And maybe worth contacting Womens Aid. They won't pressure you to leave. They will support you in your decisions

This sounds exactly like my stepdad. He picked on me for the oddest, silliest reasons. He wasn't a bad guy, but left my mum to do a lot (and me!). My mum couldn't be happier when she left him (they did have one child together, he was well off and we were quite poor afterwards but the change in atmosphere was better than all the riches).

@PaperTowels

I'm sure your DP is a good man. But he's bringing his own issues to the party here, as well.

Maybe some longer, more settled chats with him would help. And then you can all find a way forward through the coming teen years.

A "good man" does not swear at or abuse a child.

im failing her

Yes you are. It's not too late to change things though.

he ruins everything when he's irritated and grumpy for what appears to be no reason or at least no fault of anyone around him

This is emotional abuse.

He's lazy and rude, towards you and your dd. No wonder the house is a too, you're having to clean up after him as well as your dc and run your own business.

I hope the talk goes well and you can put clear boundaries in place

This isn't just about him apologising to her. It's about him doing half the work of the house.

It's amazing how many self-employed men on here lock themselves away in their study all day (and often all evening) because they're too busy to do anything else and their business will suffer if they load the dishwasher... but here's the OP doing all of it.

OP - stop making his breakfast. He's not 2 years old!
Stop making his lunch.
Yes to him making dinners from now on, and he can do all the shopping too.

OP your updates just make this worse in my mind. You should absolutely not be teaching your daughter to just shush and accept the abuse from him, that is horrendous and damaging for her. Why the hell should she be taking this abuse, why should she have to meekly accept it because you have decided to settle down with a man either incapable or unwilling to act with decency?

This is awful. It’s not about the apology—which is clealry more for your benefit than DDs—it is about the basics of what you want for your children. Do you want her to grow up to be abused by men all her life, just quietly accepting it? Or leave home the first chance she gets and cut off contact with you?

When you have children to protect it’s not about you, you have to find the strength. You are where the buck stops for this poor girl. Him saying sorry for a single incident is nowhere near enough to make her life with him bearable—you want it so you can feel less guilty about turning a blind eye.

@ghosty1, please remember YOU ARE STRONG, stronger than you w

Sorry...

You are stronger than you want to believe.
You’ve left abusive parents and then an abusive partner. You are standing up to your current DP for his laziness and his crap behaviour. Do not let anyone tell you you are weak because you are anything but weak.

I hope your talk will go as well as it can.
But remember that you always have a choice. A choice to accept or assert yourself. A choice to stay or leave a relationship. A choice to stand up for yourself or your dd.
You’ve done it before. You can do it again, whatever it will look like this time.
It will come as a shock to your DP system. And he will surely want to resist and fight it (and why not when you are disrupting a nice set up where he does nothing and makes you responsible for all). How he will react to you nit backing down will tell you how much of a future you have together

Have you ever done the freedom programme?
I suggest you do the freedom programme and/or get some counselling for yourself if you can.
With the abuse in your past I think you'd benefit from support with your boundaries, assertiveness and self confidence.
Frankly you need to LTB, he's utterly lazy and expects you to be his slave, which is bad enough in itself but if he also insults your DD and refuses to apologise, that's unforgivable. I wouldn't be able to look at him, let alone make meals for him and do his laundry FFS.

Thanks to you all for the advice and support, the talk was going well he agreed that he would apologise to dd when she came home from school and that even though her bad attitude is a great frustration to him he shouldn't have spoken to her like that... so far so good. Then came to apologising to me and he said I was nasty and it was wrong but you must have done something nasty to deserve it and I'm not apologising and that's mainly because you're asking me to and I won't be told.

So I went over what I said about how he perceives the mess differently to me so he sees it and doesn't really think about it and I find it all overwhelming and he got pissed off again and started back on the adhd is bullshit thing and you're just lazy and that he's not responsible for the mess and he works full time while I sit at home and do nothing so why should he help me

I got very upset on the phone to his mum about it because at the end we were splitting up and I didn't know what to do because he was refusing to leave. It hit me that I've allowed everyone in my life to treat me like shit to the point where my own mother disowned me, my ex thought it ok to kick me out as an 18 year old on the street in london, and now dp clearly thinks I'm worthless and owed no respect or apology. I ended up wretching so hard I wet myself and he Just said I must be very proud of myself. Actually I'm embarrassed, I feel like a failure.

I had to go and wash because school run and so he was left talking to his mum on the phone and she's going to come round and help me get on top of the house. I think he thinks doing dinner is enough but it's literally all point less now because I know exactly what he thinks of me so I'm trying to find the courage to call the council and try and get myself a place to go with my kids. I'm also worried because he said he won't let me have our dc

Your updates have confirmed that he is abusive. Contact the national dv helpline or your local women's aid. Please.

Don’t be embarrassed. You should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing by your DCs. I think it’s normal to have these feelings of shame etc. It will pass and you will feel very empowered if you assert yourself.

I know you’ll be okay. Can you call Women’s Aid for emotional support?

What a nasty shit. You need to get some advice, as others have said, can you call Women's Aid. He can't just decide not to let you "have" your child, if nothing else you need to hear someone tell you that. Good luck.

I'm so sorry, OP. He's nasty. What a horrible man to see you upset and blame you.

It's good that his mum is coming to help- but don't take any crap about it. She's helping her grandchildren and her son, not doing you a huge favour so you are beholden to him and have to stay.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be appreciative, but hold your head high! Don't let her help become another weapon he uses against you.

Please get support from people outside the situation.

I can understand perhaps losing temper with a rude child and maybe raising voice which my DH did recently with one of our DD’s. However later he apologised for shouting and gave her a hug but also explained her behaviour was out of order but he should not have shouted at her.
There was no swearing but it did need an apology and a hug.
Sounds like your DP is not really pleasant to live with and if he doesn’t apologise he will probably just continue having digs at her all the time which is a horrible life for her.
You need to have that conversation that he overstepped and he needs to apologise no amount of shit cooking will make up for that.
Also who wants to live with a sulky man baby for the next 30 years? Do you?

Sorry @ghosty1 I didn’t see your serious updates I’m sorry my comment seems flippant it’s really gone beyond him sulking.
I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you can get some support to move out and just look after yourself and children without him weighing you down with his nastiness.
You are very brave to have faced him and protected your DD

I'm a bit confused about your work - I think you run your own business FT, is that right?

So you both work FT? So why does he think he's not responsible for any of the housework?

What sort of a pathetic excuse for a man allows their mother to come and tidy up their house for them?!

If you're thinking about leaving... what's your housing situation? Does he own it in his name only? Or is it rented in his name only?

He cannot keep you from your DC. He is a nasty, lazy cunt .

What s nasty abusive man.
You poor woman.

He is so abusive and YES he thinks he can get away with it.

Contact Women's Aid and the council.
Also 101 to flag your house.

He is a nasty piece of work.

You DON'T have to accept this.

You and your children deserve so much better than this.