Can't bring myself to speak to dp

[ghosty1]

Had an argument with dp on Saturday morning and it's still going on now. I hate living in an atmosphere but I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

He was a proper wanker on Saturday and said something really nasty to my dd because he was in a bad mood. However I see this as no excuse and until he apologises to dd I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.

I tried on Saturday a few times to speak to him but he just sulked on the sofa all day refusing lunch and dinner like a big baby man child and I find it highly unattractive and immature.

I carried on with the kids like normal, took them out for dinner to get away from him. He didn't eat a thing on Saturday and by his own choice slept on the sofa.

Sunday rolls around and he gets up at 12:30 and we don't speak at all until he says he's going to Asda to get the weekly food shop. Comes back with some bits we can probably scrape one or two dinners from. He cooks dinner. Moans at dd again for 'looking at her plate funny' she's there like 'what have I done wrong' I told her to just ignore it and I sat trying to chat with her. Ignoring him (not that he was speaking to me.) He then says he's going to cook dinners while he's wfh.

I know he thinks all this is helpful and it is however I can't get past what he said to dd. I feel like such a mug if I went and spoke to him to try and patch things up again plus I believe it would all be in vain anyway as I don't see him saying sorry to dd which is what I need to happen. But I can't live in this horrible atmosphere for much longer. And it's not fair on the kids either. But I don't see him ever coming to me to sort it out so how long are we going to live like this. So fed up I just don't know what to do.

Yes but what did he say to your daughter @ghosty1?

@Friendsoftheearth

I don't think op will tell us - I can only assume because it will be very bad and we will say he has no place in her life...

Either that, or its something that's been blown totally out of proportion

He sounds awful. And the fact that you won’t share what he said to your DD when you have shared otherwise how awful he is, suggests that was really awful.

If I were you I would approach him and say he has 24 hours to have a proper conversation with you about what happened. If he isn’t willing to do this, then he needs to leave the house until he is ready to discuss it. And hold him to it.

Remember that his behaviour at every stage is a choice.

he is a nice person but .......... he spends his lunchtime in bed napping or gaming and then gets up and nags me to make his lunch. This is while I'm working on my own business and I put my foot down and said no, I'm not making your lunch when you're napping for an hour after I've got up with the kids, got them to school, made your breakfast, done some housework, working myself and then comes dinner, cleaning all that shit up every day while he games in the evening. He lays in bed when he's meant to be working too. I'm actually so sick of seeing him laying in bed. So maybe it's been a bit of a shock to him as I'm standing my ground but I'm sick of seeing him lying in bed and then telling me I could be doing more...

Doesn't sound like a v nice person, the way you have described him

But I agree with a PP that him sulking / you not talking to him until he apologises isn't good communication. I expect the tense atmosphere is difficult for the children

I wouldn't rush to buy a house with him TBH. I think you need to think hard about whether this relationship has a long term future

There’s about a hundred different issues here.

He went shopping but didn’t get food for dinners but then said he’s making dinners from now on?

He stays in bed while you make him breakfast?

He naps all day because he’s WFH?

And he said something apparently unspeakable to your dd?

Let me ask you this - when you started the thread, what did you want from it? My guess is you know everyone will tell you to LTB.

I know it’s hard to face that but why do you want to stay with him?

He won't be the first or last SF to start picking fault and being unkind to a preteen, it seems to be an age many SP find very hard. And it is hard even when it is your child, and they can be taxing - but you have to be patient, kind and careful with what you say to a child of this age, or you can crush their confidence and sense of security.

I'm reluctant to say what he said as I can see it splashed over shitty dailymails headlines

But it was horrible and hypocritical .. something along the lines of her being nasty and lazy... he also swore at her. I know many parents swear at kids and we all say things out of turn when we get angry but we need to be able to apologise for those things. She didn't do anything to deserve the comment. She does have bouts of temper and speaks to mainly me like shit at times and I'm working on that, she's only 11 and has just started her period so I take into account that she's hormonal and lockdown 1 really affected her... and truthfully she is 'lazy' although I'm actually thinking she might also have adhd as she's very scatty, disorganised and mega ambitious but finishes nothing! I've not said anything to her about it but I'm keeping my eye on that just in case.

I took her upstairs with me out the way after his comment and she was in her room laughing and playing so I don't know if she took it to heart but it's still totally unacceptable

HE, of all people, the man that lies in bed and expects room service every day - is calling your child lazy and swearing at her?

She is 11. This situation is only going to get worse as she develops moods and her own strong opinions.

I mean the situation with your DP. He's supposed to be the adult here, not some kind of sulky, entitled, lazy teen.

Why is it ever okay for your dp to be swearing at your child of 11?
I would be truly disgusted tbh, I have zero tolerance for abusive behaviour around my pre teen and teen dds. They need a hell of alot of support and help - now more than ever.

She's a fucking child and you've stood by and let this pathetic excuse for a man treat her like shit. You do know what to do, you just don't want to do it. No wonder she's acting up with the example she's got in the pair of you - mum working herself to the bone to avoid getting rid of this leech that's dragging you all down and is emotionally abusing your dd to boot.

I think it's very easy in the world of mumsnet to say Ltb and the threads in general make everything seem so bad because they're focussed on that one thing and a lot of context is missed.

Yea he's really lazy but he does listen when I tell him and he does make changes.

It's hard for me though because I have to puppet master everyone helping me.. so technically I'm still thinking of everything that needs to be done. It would be nice to have some of that burden lifted.

I will go and speak to him now and say that we need a proper conversation as we can't live like this any longer.

I think I'm reluctant as I was mentally abused throughout my childhood and always feel doubtful of my thoughts. I was also the one who always had to apologise for everything so I find it hard to stand up for myself but I will do it for my child

He is a lazy pain in the ass. I would go ballistic about how much time he spends on bed.

I took her upstairs with me out the way after his comment and she was in her room laughing and playing so I don't know if she took it to heart but it's still totally unacceptable

You are already teaching your child to appease abusive behaviour. You took her away rather than showing her how to stand up for herself, to challenge the disgraceful way your dp has treated her.

You are training to accept being abused is perfectly normal.

Your said yourself she had done nothing wrong, and yet he felt he could attack her for no reason? I would never stand for that, not in a month of Mondays. In a few years she will find her voice and attack him back, and then you are in real trouble. Allowing him to do this to her, is called enabling. You are on very shaky ground op.

I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.

You aren't protecting your children by putting them in the middle of this and playing them off each other, what you both are doing is even more hurtful and damaging.

Sit down with your dh as adults, out of earshot of the children and sort it out.

**her

@PaperTowels yes she already has strong opinions and I want to encourage them tbh as I'm not wanting her to grow up to be as weak as I am.

So I left my abusive parents to move in with her father who was abusive both mentally and physically to me. I only had the strength to leave him when I had her as I couldn't let her grow up with that environment.

I know I need to put my foot down with this now and tell him he apologises to her properly and it doesn't happen again or it's over for good.

I am scared of being on my own. I have no family as my mum made sure of that when I told her I'm not accepting her abuse any longer so yeah maybe that's why I'm weak.

Anyway . I'm going to go and speak to him about it right now.

I think I'm reluctant as I was mentally abused throughout my childhood and always feel doubtful of my thoughts. I was also the one who always had to apologise for everything

You are raising your dd to be exactly the same as you.
She is now being mentally and emotionally abused, is this not a red flag? Every alarm surely must be buzzing on the dashboard.

Your dp has overstepped the mark on several fronts, the worst one being towards dd. You are reluctant to face up to the fact you are back where you started with a shitty abusive loser who thinks nothing of swearing at little girls, and demands lunch in bed?!

Come on op. You know this is not right.

I think I'm reluctant as I was mentally abused throughout my childhood and always feel doubtful of my thoughts. I was also the one who always had to apologise for everything so I find it hard to stand up for myself but I will do it for my child

You’re not standing up for her though. You let him abuse her and then you took her away like she was the problem.

Then you spent the rest of the afternoon tiptoeing around him because he was sulking.

Then he was arsey to her again at dinner and you did what? Sulked along with him.

I know these things can be hard to hear but you are NOT standing up for your dd. But you absolutely should start.

If him “helping” leaves you with the mental burden then he’s not helping at all. Him going is just one less person to run around after tbh.

Why the hell does he expect you to make his lunch?? Why doesn't he make your lunch?

Sounds to me as if you need to have this out with him thoroughly, and to make it clear that (1) talking like that to your daughter was totally unacceptable, he needs to apologise; (2) it is equally unacceptable to accuse you of not working enough; (3) he needs to do his fair share in the house starting from now, which includes all the boring cleaning, washing and tidying, not just cooking the occasional meal. Emphasise that if he won't discuss this or won't step up that is the end and he will have to leave.

Have you had counselling?

You have gone from abusive family, to abusive husband and now abusive partner. What does that say?

It says you are still struggling to break the patterns of your childhood, your boundaries are not strong enough and your self esteem is not in a good place. A good therapist would help you break free from this cycle, but you need to do it soon - because dd is already eleven.

@Friendsoftheearth she already does answer him back she's very strong willed and I'm weak and I don't deny it.

I'm absolutely a coward and terrible at standing up for myself. I don't know why. I'm not scared of him at all as he wouldn't ever be physical but I think it's because I know he would never leave so I could have shouted/told him to get out and there's no way he would have. I would have looked even more pathetic and powerless in front of the kids so I thought it was best to tell him that's not on and leave the area and speak about it with him later when the kids aren't in earshot

What does he bring to the relationship?

He doesn't pull his weight with the house or the children.
He doesn't even look after himself.

He then nags you to work harder on the house AND on your business, and gets irritated with you and DD.

What is he contributing?