Can't bring myself to speak to dp

[ghosty1]

Had an argument with dp on Saturday morning and it's still going on now. I hate living in an atmosphere but I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

He was a proper wanker on Saturday and said something really nasty to my dd because he was in a bad mood. However I see this as no excuse and until he apologises to dd I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.

I tried on Saturday a few times to speak to him but he just sulked on the sofa all day refusing lunch and dinner like a big baby man child and I find it highly unattractive and immature.

I carried on with the kids like normal, took them out for dinner to get away from him. He didn't eat a thing on Saturday and by his own choice slept on the sofa.

Sunday rolls around and he gets up at 12:30 and we don't speak at all until he says he's going to Asda to get the weekly food shop. Comes back with some bits we can probably scrape one or two dinners from. He cooks dinner. Moans at dd again for 'looking at her plate funny' she's there like 'what have I done wrong' I told her to just ignore it and I sat trying to chat with her. Ignoring him (not that he was speaking to me.) He then says he's going to cook dinners while he's wfh.

I know he thinks all this is helpful and it is however I can't get past what he said to dd. I feel like such a mug if I went and spoke to him to try and patch things up again plus I believe it would all be in vain anyway as I don't see him saying sorry to dd which is what I need to happen. But I can't live in this horrible atmosphere for much longer. And it's not fair on the kids either. But I don't see him ever coming to me to sort it out so how long are we going to live like this. So fed up I just don't know what to do.

ghosty I have two teens, I can only warn you that her voice will only get louder, her opinions stronger and quite rightly she is establishing herself, he seems equally committed to stamping out her autonomy.

It is imperative that this is nipped in the bud.

You need help to work on being more assertive, more boundaries in place. The fact he won't even listen to you and can and does diminish you in front of the children is very worrying.

Do you think he loves you? Respects you? Because this is not my idea of a loving relationship. It is one of master and servant.

But since we discovered it he's not made any changes to help me, he just thinks adhd is a joke and I should be doing more work

and

Yea he's really lazy but he does listen when I tell him and he does make changes

So which is it? He listens and changes or he doesn't? I agree with the pp that you have gone from one abusive situation to another, starting with family. I think you need to speak to someone OP to help you deal with that abuse and to figure out where you want to go with the current relationship.

Tbh, if you are making breakfast for a grown man who isn’t even leaving the house - while you’re running around like a blue-arsed fly after two kids, trying to run a business of your own, getting no help from him in the home even after you have repeatedly asked for it and expressed your distress at being so overwhelmed with the load - AND he’s telling you that the problem is YOU, you are being abused at home NOW as well!!! You need to seriously read up about gaslighting and see if that is what your DH is doing to you. I suspect he turns every problem you have with him into YOUR problem. He is living a VERY cushy life!!!

This situation is beyond “not ok”. You are letting your daughter get abused verbally in front of you and (sorry) doing absolutely nothing about it. You’re openly saying you want him to apologise so you can feel better about allowing this to continue—thinking of appeasing your guilt about your child being abused, not thinking about her.

You won’t even said what he said because you know it’s so unacceptable, and because you know you’ll be told you are facilitating his abuse. Read back over what you’ve written and try to imagine you’re the child in all this.

“Had an argument with dp on Saturday morning and it's still going on now. I hate living in an atmosphere but I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

He was a proper wanker on Saturday and said something really nasty to my dd because he was in a bad mood. However I see this as no excuse and until he apologises to dd I don't see how I'm going to be able to move on from this and hold my head high as mother who protects her child.“

Read that back. Where is the concern for your DD and how she feels? It’s about you appeasing YOUR FEELINGS about her getting abused verbally in front of you.

And you are NOT a coward!

You have survived an abusive family - you have survived and left at least one abusive relationship.
You have shown the power and strength to live without any family at all, you have had two children and you do everything for them, including running a business. You sound neither pathetic nor weak ghosty you sound the opposite of those things - but you have lost sight of your own value, and your strength. You are much more powerful than you think, and it is time now to recognise that at the very least.

Until you can see how strong you are - until you are ready to really look at your achievements, and know in your heart you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and love, then this is going to keep happening.

OP I ended my relationship of nearly 7 years because my then DP was being abusive towards my DS. She was being nasty and bullying for no reasonable and making him feel uncomfortable in his own home. She wasn’t always like it, up until the last month or so she was great with him, but when things got a bit strained in lockdown she showed her true colours, and I wasn’t having that. I told her to either say sorry to DS and make it right with him or to pack her stuff and leave. She chose to pack her stuff and leave and that was the end of that, 7 years of a mostly good and happy relationship, finished.

Your child is now in the same position as you were op, she is now in that place. Sitting upstairs 'out of the way' and she might be laughing for now to keep you happy, but inside this will be breaking her.

It must be awful to live with a man that is not your father, and he is swearing at you and putting you down. Think about how that must feel to her, she is only eleven years old and still a child.

What kind of example are you setting to her serving him lunch in bed?

I'm sure your DP is a good man. But he's bringing his own issues to the party here, as well.

Maybe some longer, more settled chats with him would help. And then you can all find a way forward through the coming teen years.

I will say op he would be out of my house, and life. I would not stand for the life you describe.

You would be far better off on your own. How can it possibly be harder? Your dd would at least remain unbroken and unblemished by his treatment, she will know that there are boundaries and red lines that should not be crossed in relationships. How are you going to feel when she chooses someone just like her father or dp for a husband? And she has a lifetime of abuse because she knows no different.

The cycle of abuse is being allowed to continue. The onus is on you as the adult to break that cycle.

I know you're all right and I need to take a stand. I am always telling dd to shh as she calls him out on his bullshit. Her dad is as mentally strong as they come and I think she gets a lot of it from him. I am failing her.

I don't know how to approach it now. I don't know whether to say enough damage has been done and we're finished or try and work on it.

I'm just trying to get my head straight.

He's not abusive, he does things wrong and he's lazy and tries his luck. He's had one of the most traumatic childhoods you can imagine and so emotionally he can be like a stone and he finds it hard to be loving. He shows his love by buying things for us... he sees things very black and white with no context at all. He's not perfect by any shot but he has the potential to be a great sd to dd if he could rise above his immaturity when he's in a bad mood. He does love her and shows it by buying her chocolate cake and treats, nice bath stuff etc and although he really thinks that's the way to show love, the kids need more than that, they need to hear it and feel it by the way he speaks to them. he ruins everything when he's irritated and grumpy for what appears to be no reason or at least no fault of anyone around him

I'm sorry for these long posts I'm juts trying to mentally process things.

I think he has the right intentions but he's also immature and unable to control himself when he's grumpy and that needs to stop. If he can't apologise to dd then we are done and if he ever speaks to her like that again then we are also done.

Protect your DD, he isnt a nice man and swearing and calling her names is totally unacceptable. He is abusive and will be affecting your DD mental health.

Ignoring him isnt going to resolve the issue and I note he had a go at her again at sunday dinner. He is clearly focussing his frustrations on her and likely in his own head blaming her for you not speaking to him.

I am scared of being on my own. I have no family as my mum made sure of that when I told her I'm not accepting her abuse any longer so yeah maybe that's why I'm weak.

It sounds like you've had a pretty horrific time and I sympathise. Your current "partner" sounds like a lazy shit.

So please don't think you're on your own as you have DC so they are your family. The best thing you can do for them is not to have a lazy shit in their lives who calls them names. Please find your strength to put your children first.

He IS abusive. You've given up one abusive relationship for another, and now you're raising your dd in it too.

He's had one of the most traumatic childhoods you can imagine and so emotionally he can be like a stone

Who gives a shit. This isn't your daughters problem or cross to bear.

Ok I'm going to talk to him and I will update after. I'm going to tell him it's apologise or go and that from this moment on if he takes one more dig at my dd out of turn then he can leave.

I remember when I left my first dh and it was just me and dd who was 8 months at the time and we had the best time together. Admittedly I was still fully entrenched with my toxic parents and depending on them. I just need to remember We will be ok

"he has the potential to be a great sd to dd if he could rise above his immaturity when he's in a bad mood"

But he can't. It's a shame, but he's a man who doesn't have the resources he needs to be a good dad and partner. He could probably learn them, but he doesn't feel the need to.

You can't let this adversely affect your D.C. They, and you, are living in a tip and a bad atmosphere and listening to a man nag and moan at their mum.

I am always telling dd to shh as she calls him out on his bullshit

Op your dd is doing the right thing and calling him out, and you are stopping her? Why would you do that? She is right to call him out, she is right to try and defend herself - it is incredibly damaging that you are closing her down. Please think about this, because it is seriously messed up.

YOU should be the one to call him out, not her, but it is left to your poor dd because you can't or won't do it.

You want to keep giving him chances, and second chances and third chances because you don't think you can cope without him.
Whatever the cost to you, whatever the cost to your dd you are willing to let him continue. He knows this too, which is why he treats you with utter contempt, he is betting that you aren't going to do a damn thing to protect dd or stand up to him. He will only get worse.

I don't think this is going to end well, and you should prepare everything in your life for his eventual departure - when the day undoubtedly comes when he pushes his luck too far and really hurts your dd - I feel so so sorry for your daughter - how many more years will she have to put up with being abused before you call it a day, and finally and belatedly stand up for her?

OK, from your dd's POV it might not have sounded so bad...and actually sounds accurate to some extent.

However, it has twanged your nerves because it was so damn hypocritical given his own selfish laziness.

Your dd will learn from what she sees. If the house is a mess and he lies in bed all day, and demanding that you make him a sandwich what is she learning?

You are not failing if the house is a mess, you are BOTH not managing to keep it easier to live in. You both work, there are kids to look after, neither of you are commuting at the moment.

I would go in with a constructive plan. That you both need to work towards. His agreeing to cook is a start. Build on that. And rather than holding out for an apology to your dd say that the two of you need to act like a team so can you set a time to talk about that?

Tell him that not communicating is not acceptable, and neither is swearing at the kids. But you need to develop a routine and structure so that the kids see you both tackling the normal household tasks, with efficiency and structure.

Good luck op. If it comes to it, you'll be fine on your own. But honestly if he ends up leaving I would hold off on dating any more until you've had quite a lot of therapy. I grew up with an abusive father and then had several relationships ranging from seriously abusive to simply selfish and horrible. One way or another, every man I met took more from my life than he added to it. It took me several years of being single and trying various forms of therapy to break the cycle. I know you're hoping he'll apologise and things will change, but for your sake I hope he packs his bags and leaves.

Have you had a chat with him yet OP?

OP,
It sounds like a very tough load that you carry.

He sounds utterly vile.
A lazy waster that only cares for himself as he watches you fall apart trying to keep everything going.

Your life sounds like hell and he is a big part of the problem.

On top of being a waster, he feels comfortable abusing your daughter.

You are stronger than you realise.

I will share with you now op that I am the adult version of your dd (only difference being that I was abused by my own father, not SF)

I am still in therapy now, I hold my mother fully accountable for allowing that abuse to continue.
I have no contact at all with my father, and I barely ever see my mother. I don't really want a relationship with either of them, they are both utterly toxic in different ways.

My mother was too weak to leave, so she just turned a blind eye to the years of abuse. It was horrendous.

Do you want your dd to leave your life at the first chance she gets?
She may decide that you had your chance to protect her, and you choose not to.
You could have stepped in and stopped her being hurt, but you choose not to. You are doing untold damage to her keeping her there every day with that man, but you carry on.

Whether you like it or not, the buck stops with you.
The responsibility is yours to ensure as a bare minimum that she is safe and secure at home. You know she is neither safe nor secure. He is going to carry on tearing strips off her, you know this.

He is damaged and beyond help, why you felt someone so damaged was the right man for you and your dc, I have no idea, but you are where you are.

What you do now really has very longreaching consequences.

I would have loved my mother to take me away, I used to dream of leaving that awful life. No matter what the hardship I would much rather have grown up in a place of safety and love, to be able to relax, to unwind - to feel safe. The stress on a small child's body as they prepare for the next verbal attack, the damage to her is immense.

My heart breaks for your lovely girl, it really does.

I was you 10 years ago. More and younger DCs.

I was exhausted and he was lazy.

I left so the DCs would not see such a poor relationship modelled to them. Also to spare them from his unkind comments as they got older. Now they are teens it would be awful if he lived with us - my home is a respite for them from the world. They can be themselves without their DF's criticism.

Leaving was the single hardest thing I have ever done. It is doable for you if you value your daughter's quality of life (even if you don't think enough of yourself to think you deserve better treatment).

Your DP won't change. DD will get harder to deal with as she grows into a proper teenager. You will continue to be the one that does everything and is still criticised for not doing enough with your business. You will become even more exhausted and overwhelmed.

Stop justifying his behaviour and be the best mother you can be to your DD. If you love her you will leave for her sake.

Plant the seed of leaving in your mind and imagine a dinner table with you and her. A home where he is not lying in bed and then criticising you for not doing enough. Keep imagining how good it will feel to live in this cosy warm home just the two of you. I bet it feels better than your current situation.

Be a role model for your DD and stick by her side. Show her you value her quality of life and break the cycle of abuse. If he loves you enough he will want to change - but quite often it is just too difficult for them as their childhood has normalised these dysfunctional relationships.

Please do something about this situation so your DD can have a better childhood than you and your DP did....

Your house would be immediately tidier if you got rid of him.
Get a rota going with the kids.
You'll feel much better.