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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this has heartache written all over it

120 replies

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:42

God I know how to pick them.

Been spending time with a lovely man before this lockdown. We sort of knew eachother before the dates. I've always liked him. We both like eachother obviously. Both have enjoyed the conversations etc. I felt like we were really getting into things and hoped we would progress further. He messaged me this morning and we were just chatting backwards and forwards. all lovely. Then I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he split from his ten year relationship two years ago.

Fully expecting a reason. he said they became like friends (fair enough) but then he said this.

She still often comes around for dinner or a cuppa! I'd never go there again he said but I wanted to be honest with you.

Then he said the most ridiculous thing. Baring in mind he's 44!!! He said does that make you jealous??? Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

So I was quite blunt with him. Told him no I wasn't not jealous and why an earth would he want a new lover to be feeling under threat from his ex. He quickly started back peddling. I said to him,I need to process what you've just said (he also said he doesn't want to take their relationship pics down on Facebook as it's his history) he was trying to apologize but I just couldn't believe how immature he had been.

I sent him a message at lunch and said. Look we can remain friends but I honestly do not wish to be involved in you and your ex. He told me there was nothing to get mixed up in and he was gutted I was upset and had felt upset by it all.

I'm capable of accepting people being friendly. But he's only ever told me he's never wanted to meet other women until now. I figured he had been through some horrendous split. But no he's still feeding her etc.

Anyhow he's trying to talk a little but I'm so put off. Which is a shame because he's been absolutely wonderful to spend time with. I know he's been depressed. I know he's had a really hard time. I know he's not a horrible man. He's been really honest with me about everything. But I just think it's friggin weird.

He was talking about a future with me but it sounds ridiculous. Like how would that work. Plus I have children. His ex doesn't.

I just feel I can't continue with it now. She could get upset when she finds out he's moving on. There's many reasons why I just don't see the point now.

I don't think he's over her but he said he definitely is. But surely he's not stupid enough to think that's not going to put a new women off?

What's with the male species.

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 15/11/2020 14:45

Yeh he wanted you to feel jealous and has drawn attention to pictures that Uk sire no one wound actually expect him to remove. I suspect he still wants the ex back and she's not interested. I'd steer clear!

stealthbanana · 15/11/2020 14:47

Honestly you sound a bit deranged. Are you sure he just didn’t ask you if you were jealous as you asked him about his ex? It all seems a bit overly am dram.

midlifespices · 15/11/2020 14:48

Are you jealous though? Not sure why it would be an issue to still be friends with an ex. Maybe I'm missing something...

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:48

It's just such a weird situation. I can't get past it. I'm actually offended. I'm 13 years younger than him and expected maturity. But he's honestly made himself look like a man child.

I don't understand why they both have been meeting since he moved out. It's literally the first time I've comes across such a weird situation. But clearly he's not over her.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 15/11/2020 14:49

Without knowing more it's very hard to say. You touch on depression. Maybe keeping in touch was like a support for him.
Or one of many many reasons.
It was dickish to ask if it made you jealous though.

SuperAlly · 15/11/2020 14:50

I’m not following.

Are you in a tizz because he still sees his ex? Or because he asked you if you were jealous?

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:50

No he said if I was a little jealous it might be nice to show him.how I feel.

How can he have a new partner with his ex coming around for meals with him?

Yes he can be her friend. No I'm not jealous. I'm just not willing to try find my place between two lovers who still need that sort of closeness.

OP posts:
Feelingthelobe · 15/11/2020 14:50

Not seeing an issue to be honest. Sounds like a big drama over nothing

midlifespices · 15/11/2020 14:51

I don't get why you think it's a weird situation. People can be in a relationship, that ends, but they continue to be friends. Isn't that what has happened? SUrely it's a good thing they are friends? Much better than her being 'a crazy ex'.

MiddlesexGirl · 15/11/2020 14:51

To clarify - if he'd said 'does that bother you?' it would be OK. Perhaps that's what he really meant but expressed in an exceptionally clumsy way.

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:51

It's not that hard time follow @SuperAlly

He started getting involved with me and has now told me he cooks for his ex and they meet for cups of tea. Doesn't sound like he's ready to move on!

OP posts:
Feelingthelobe · 15/11/2020 14:52

@Pompom4

No he said if I was a little jealous it might be nice to show him.how I feel.

How can he have a new partner with his ex coming around for meals with him?

Yes he can be her friend. No I'm not jealous. I'm just not willing to try find my place between two lovers who still need that sort of closeness.

Loads of people see their ex’s all the time. Especially if they are still do parenting children
MiddlesexGirl · 15/11/2020 14:52

From your update - sounds like he just wanted a cuddle or whatever.

SuperAlly · 15/11/2020 14:52

Sounds like you are jealous tbf 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d like to hear his side of the story.

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:52

They have no children

OP posts:
Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:53

@SuperAlly

Oh dear.

OP posts:
midlifespices · 15/11/2020 14:54

Cooking for someone and meeting for cups of tea hardly screams 'still lovers' to me.. Isn't that what you do if you are friends? Have all your relationships ended with you hating your ex because that might be tainting your view on this situation.

Feelingthelobe · 15/11/2020 14:54

@Pompom4

They have no children
So? It was an example of how loads of people still see ex.

I still meet an ex from 25 years ago at least every week and have done since we split. Why wouldn’t I if we are still friends? Doesn’t mean we aren’t over each other

SuperAlly · 15/11/2020 14:55

Not sure why you’re singling me out. But ok.

GG999 · 15/11/2020 14:55

This reply has been deleted

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SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 15/11/2020 14:56

I really don’t see the problem. I’m still friends with my most significant ex. We stayed friends after we split up, and when I met my current partner 6 years later, it never occurred to me to cut contact. He’s now a godparent to our DD and came for Christmas last year.

SocialBees · 15/11/2020 14:57

Some people do stay friends after a split. Why does that make him a man child? His remark about "does that make you jealous?" was a bit immature but maybe it came out wrong.

Leaannb · 15/11/2020 14:57

@Pompom4

It's not that hard time follow *@SuperAlly*

He started getting involved with me and has now told me he cooks for his ex and they meet for cups of tea. Doesn't sound like he's ready to move on!

You said you have no problems with him being friends with his ex but you obviously do. I cook meals and have coffee with my friends of both sexes. They do the same for me. What is the issue? What kind of friend relationship do you expect them to have?
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/11/2020 14:58

I'd prefer to be with someone that remained on good terms with their ex.

Leaannb · 15/11/2020 14:58

@Pompom4

They have no children
A lot of my friends don't have children. Are parents only allowed to be friends with people who have kids?