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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this has heartache written all over it

120 replies

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:42

God I know how to pick them.

Been spending time with a lovely man before this lockdown. We sort of knew eachother before the dates. I've always liked him. We both like eachother obviously. Both have enjoyed the conversations etc. I felt like we were really getting into things and hoped we would progress further. He messaged me this morning and we were just chatting backwards and forwards. all lovely. Then I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he split from his ten year relationship two years ago.

Fully expecting a reason. he said they became like friends (fair enough) but then he said this.

She still often comes around for dinner or a cuppa! I'd never go there again he said but I wanted to be honest with you.

Then he said the most ridiculous thing. Baring in mind he's 44!!! He said does that make you jealous??? Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

So I was quite blunt with him. Told him no I wasn't not jealous and why an earth would he want a new lover to be feeling under threat from his ex. He quickly started back peddling. I said to him,I need to process what you've just said (he also said he doesn't want to take their relationship pics down on Facebook as it's his history) he was trying to apologize but I just couldn't believe how immature he had been.

I sent him a message at lunch and said. Look we can remain friends but I honestly do not wish to be involved in you and your ex. He told me there was nothing to get mixed up in and he was gutted I was upset and had felt upset by it all.

I'm capable of accepting people being friendly. But he's only ever told me he's never wanted to meet other women until now. I figured he had been through some horrendous split. But no he's still feeding her etc.

Anyhow he's trying to talk a little but I'm so put off. Which is a shame because he's been absolutely wonderful to spend time with. I know he's been depressed. I know he's had a really hard time. I know he's not a horrible man. He's been really honest with me about everything. But I just think it's friggin weird.

He was talking about a future with me but it sounds ridiculous. Like how would that work. Plus I have children. His ex doesn't.

I just feel I can't continue with it now. She could get upset when she finds out he's moving on. There's many reasons why I just don't see the point now.

I don't think he's over her but he said he definitely is. But surely he's not stupid enough to think that's not going to put a new women off?

What's with the male species.

OP posts:
MoodieMare · 15/11/2020 14:59

I am going to go against the grain here and say follow your instincts with this. If it makes you uneasy then that won't go away anyway.
Of course we all have different experiences and my pov is coming from my own experiences.

napody · 15/11/2020 15:01

@MiddlesexGirl

To clarify - if he'd said 'does that bother you?' it would be OK. Perhaps that's what he really meant but expressed in an exceptionally clumsy way.
I agree it sounds like that was what he was trying to say. And clearly it does bother you, massively.

Dont think he and his ex still being friends a
Is at all weird, no.

mindreaderofdarkthoughts · 15/11/2020 15:01

You sound jealous and he sounds like he's just kept it on good terms with his ex. What can't they have dinner?

This baffles me. He deserves better

Cluckycluck · 15/11/2020 15:01

Definitely not seeing the issue here.

You say you expected maturity from him but you're reacting in a very immature way with what seems very little knowledge of how an amicable split can lead to friendship.

I also don't see a issue with him asking it you were jealous. What it a stupid question? Yes it was but absolutely no reason for you to get in a tizz about it.

RedHelenB · 15/11/2020 15:02

The immature sounding one is you, sorry

Feelingthelobe · 15/11/2020 15:02

Just remembered my ex came to my wedding and I went to theirs. Not seeing an issue at all

DrDetriment · 15/11/2020 15:06

OP you are being ridiculous. I'm friends with my ex, we meet for coffee, dinner and even go to the theatre together. No kids, we are just great friends. We were terrible in a relationship together and will never go back there.

Calicomog · 15/11/2020 15:09

If he’s on friendly platonic terms with his ex I feel it shows he’s a good man and would be a good partner.
On the other hand if you’re uncomfortable with it you don’t have to continue the relationship.

Covidchameleon · 15/11/2020 15:10

I don’t think he’s the immature one here.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/11/2020 15:11

I don't understand why they both have been meeting since he moved out. It's literally the first time I've comes across such a weird situation. But clearly he's not over her.

I don't know what your confusion is due to?

He's still friendly with his ex. He meets up with her. He told you this.

Your response is disproportionate & in fact you sound immature. I think you're being really unfair to him too.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 15/11/2020 15:11

It's not such a weird situation. I'm still friends with someone I was engaged to years ago. We don't have children but if he's passing my house to see his parry, he'll ask if he can call in. Coffee is the extent of it.

Maybe the "jealous" question stemmed from your reaction to his revelation about maintaining friendly contact with his ex?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 15/11/2020 15:12
  • parents
Myoldtable · 15/11/2020 15:12

I think he handled it badly. I don’t like the use of the word ’jealous’, it does make him sound immature. Also when was he going to mention that he saw his ex regularly if you hadn’t asked that question when you did. I would feel the same as you. Also think that lockdown makes everything more complex. Presumably the meals with the ex have stopped for now unless they are in a bubble.

Halloweiner · 15/11/2020 15:13

Did you ask him to delete his Facebook photos of her?

WhoWants2Know · 15/11/2020 15:16

Lots of people are still friendly with their ex. The fact that you no longer want a romantic relationship with a person doesn't have to mean that you despise them.

joystir59 · 15/11/2020 15:16

It's quite common to be good friends with exes in my experience and quite wonderful. Hopefully you will get on well with her too once you get to know her.

SuperAlly · 15/11/2020 15:17

She won’t be back.

joystir59 · 15/11/2020 15:19

My dear darling wife died in July and both my ex and her ex were at her funeral and we have all continued to be friends. That's maturity I would say.

Gretchizilla · 15/11/2020 15:19

Complete overreaction from you. Ex's can be friends, especially if they were in one another's lives for many years. Sounds like he's the one with the lucky escape. You say your younger than him and it shows. Are you actually ready to be in a relationship with someone?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/11/2020 15:19

I think you're right Pompom4 on both counts:

  1. you don't need the drama of being the "new" girlfriend expected to give headspace to the ever present ex. Nobody needs that and it's great you have the self esteem to walk away from an invitation to play "pick me".

  2. the arrogance of the "are you jealous?" question phrased that way is stomach turning - he told you his ex still comes around and invited you to massage his ego by admitting that makes you jealous.

Boak.

You're right to have gone right off him.

KatieGGGG · 15/11/2020 15:22

I’d find it more of a red flag if someone talked badly of someone they’d been with for a decade.

OrigamiOwl · 15/11/2020 15:24

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I think you're right Pompom4 on both counts:
  1. you don't need the drama of being the "new" girlfriend expected to give headspace to the ever present ex. Nobody needs that and it's great you have the self esteem to walk away from an invitation to play "pick me".

  2. the arrogance of the "are you jealous?" question phrased that way is stomach turning - he told you his ex still comes around and invited you to massage his ego by admitting that makes you jealous.

Boak.

You're right to have gone right off him.

I agree with this. Never do the "pick me" dance.
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/11/2020 15:26

Of course speaking badly of an ex is a worse red flag, especially if they trot out the "psycho" crap - run!

This guy sounds like an egotistical slime though - not because he's friendly with an ex but because he didn't mention that naturally from the start but rather weaponsised it to try to make the OP say she's jealous to fluff his ego and tip the piwer balance in his favour.

Ohtherewearethen · 15/11/2020 15:27

I imagine this isn't going the way you'd hoped, OP. You were probably expecting validation and supportive comments from some of the more anti-men posters on here but you sound very immature and insecure. This is a man you know well, have liked for a long time, have really enjoyed dating and could see a future with. He has a respectful, friendly relationship with his ex and for some reason this makes him an arsehole?! Bun him if you want but I don't think he's the unreasonable one here.

lyralalala · 15/11/2020 15:27

He was immature to ask if you were jealous, but you are being incredibly immature to be over-reacting to two people still having dinner.

Why say fair enough to them becoming like friends and then reacting like that to them doing things that friends do?

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