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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this has heartache written all over it

120 replies

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:42

God I know how to pick them.

Been spending time with a lovely man before this lockdown. We sort of knew eachother before the dates. I've always liked him. We both like eachother obviously. Both have enjoyed the conversations etc. I felt like we were really getting into things and hoped we would progress further. He messaged me this morning and we were just chatting backwards and forwards. all lovely. Then I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he split from his ten year relationship two years ago.

Fully expecting a reason. he said they became like friends (fair enough) but then he said this.

She still often comes around for dinner or a cuppa! I'd never go there again he said but I wanted to be honest with you.

Then he said the most ridiculous thing. Baring in mind he's 44!!! He said does that make you jealous??? Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

So I was quite blunt with him. Told him no I wasn't not jealous and why an earth would he want a new lover to be feeling under threat from his ex. He quickly started back peddling. I said to him,I need to process what you've just said (he also said he doesn't want to take their relationship pics down on Facebook as it's his history) he was trying to apologize but I just couldn't believe how immature he had been.

I sent him a message at lunch and said. Look we can remain friends but I honestly do not wish to be involved in you and your ex. He told me there was nothing to get mixed up in and he was gutted I was upset and had felt upset by it all.

I'm capable of accepting people being friendly. But he's only ever told me he's never wanted to meet other women until now. I figured he had been through some horrendous split. But no he's still feeding her etc.

Anyhow he's trying to talk a little but I'm so put off. Which is a shame because he's been absolutely wonderful to spend time with. I know he's been depressed. I know he's had a really hard time. I know he's not a horrible man. He's been really honest with me about everything. But I just think it's friggin weird.

He was talking about a future with me but it sounds ridiculous. Like how would that work. Plus I have children. His ex doesn't.

I just feel I can't continue with it now. She could get upset when she finds out he's moving on. There's many reasons why I just don't see the point now.

I don't think he's over her but he said he definitely is. But surely he's not stupid enough to think that's not going to put a new women off?

What's with the male species.

OP posts:
Plmoknijb123 · 15/11/2020 16:48

I think it’s weird and I wouldn’t like it. If it makes you feel uncomfortable you should put your needs first and stop contact with her.

Plmoknijb123 · 15/11/2020 16:49

I meant he should put your needs first

Plmoknijb123 · 15/11/2020 16:50

As an alternative, why don’t you start having regular meals and coffee is with your ex boyfriends and see how he feels?

Feelingthelobe · 15/11/2020 16:50

@Plmoknijb123

I think it’s weird and I wouldn’t like it. If it makes you feel uncomfortable you should put your needs first and stop contact with her.
Stuff that! Any new partner who told me I couldn't still be friends with an ex would be straight pjt the door
Doyoumind · 15/11/2020 16:53

I had meals and maintained a friendship with an ex and there was no way it was going to lead to anything more. Neither of us wanted it to. She will have been his best friend. If the split wasn't acrimonious why shouldn't they stay in touch. I think your reaction is OTT. He was stupid to ask if you were a jealous but I don't think it was malicious.

PinkiOcelot · 15/11/2020 17:06

@Plmoknijb123 really?! I certainly wouldn’t be in a relationship with you if you told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with. Controlling much?!!

OP you sound very childish and immature.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/11/2020 17:09

Unless he is like this often, I think ending something promising on the basis of one flippant comment over text is a bit harsh. He was probably just trying to be light and flirty albeit misguidedly. I'd have taken it as a joke to be honest unless I really did feel like he was deliberately doing things to make me jealous.

I'd have been a lot more upset if he still seemed angry with his ex or make out she was a psycho or something

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/11/2020 17:12

Why can't someone be friends with an ex...especially if the reason they split up was that theyd become just friends
??

OverTheRubicon · 15/11/2020 17:17

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Why can't someone be friends with an ex...especially if the reason they split up was that theyd become just friends ??
I think the friendship is fine. Him saying it would be nice if she could be a bit jealous is a massive red flag however.
DaddysGirlForLife · 15/11/2020 17:23

I bet they're still bedding each other too. No strings attached and all that.

YANBU. Time to move on

Plmoknijb123 · 15/11/2020 17:24

@PinkiOcelot that’s fine! But it’s my opinion. I think it’s similar to an emotional affair and it would make me feel uncomfortable. I want to give OP my opinion to counter the ‘I am not jealous and you are unreasonable’ posts. People can get jealous, it’s natural. A bit of jealousy doesn’t make someone a completely controlling psycho.

lyralalala · 15/11/2020 17:24

@Plmoknijb123

I think it’s weird and I wouldn’t like it. If it makes you feel uncomfortable you should put your needs first and stop contact with her.
You think he should ditch someone he's known for over a decade for someone he's been on 4 dates with?

Anyone that asks for that is showing clear signs of being controlling imo.

Siepie · 15/11/2020 17:30

My wife cooked dinner for my ex in the summer! I speak almost every day with a friend I once had a one night stand with. And we're all women, so it's not a "male species" problem. It's just accepting that sometimes people can be good as friends but awful as a couple.

And I agree with this:
The “does this make you jealous” can be taken two ways—(a) I want you to feel jealous (b) let me know if there is an issue so we can discuss.
It's bad if he wants you to feel jealous, but he could also just be checking that you're okay.

Happylittlethoughts · 15/11/2020 17:33

I think you are way over reacting to a quip by him. Sounds,like his relationship with his ex is something you cant cope with . If its not that then you are far too intense chill the,feck out

Bluejewel · 15/11/2020 17:35

I think it’s better to stay on good terms with an ex than have a past that’s messy . However if it makes you feel weird he’s not the one for you

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/11/2020 17:36

He said he wanted her to feel jealous so he'd know how she felt about him.

That's the crux - there are not two ways to interpret that, or at least only ways that make him look like a sleeze.

Whatever happened to the default, early in a relationship, bring dump?

Four dates in you can legitimately dump for no reason at all - this is off putting, so dump and move on. Nobody owes anyone a relationship or another date or a chance, or the benefit of the doubt, only four dates in.

I want you to say you're jealous = dump and move on.

Plmoknijb123 · 15/11/2020 17:38

@lyralalala not immediately but certainly start to put space between them. How can you move on if you’re so tethered to your ex?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/11/2020 17:38

Honestly I dumped men for picking the pepperoni off their pizza four dates in. You just dump if anything puts you off at that stage. You don't need to be in a relationship.

billy1966 · 15/11/2020 17:51

OP,

I must admit that it is very possible as the relationship drifted away from them that they have just remained friends.

I think his whole jealousy remark gave you the ICK and I can really understand why.

It's a twatty thing to say and I can well understand that it would offend you and make you think he's a bit juvenile.

It may be innocent and merely poor language, but did he really expect you to say yes I am am jealous 🙄.

He's given the ICK, which is fair enough.

Flowers
MargotMoon · 15/11/2020 17:58

You're upset that he asked if you were jealous even though you are jealous???

cindylouwhosplaits · 15/11/2020 17:59

I'm in a similar position with the new man I've started seeing. They have no children but still live in the same village and see each other regularly. She still has some of her belongings at his house and a key which I found odd at first.

But it's nice to know that there's no hard feelings. They just lost the spark and grew apart and both are being adults about it.

The jealousy comment might have been one of those things that he said that just came across wrong- I wouldn't give up on him just yet. (Unless his name begins with a G as it's scarily similar to my OH's story!!!)

mamaoffourdc · 15/11/2020 18:02

I think you are the one being childish and immature! He is friends with his ex- that's something to be admired!

Butteredtoast55 · 15/11/2020 18:09

In al honesty, you are the one who sounds immature, OP. It's perfectly possible for people who have once been in a relationship to have a friendship afterwards.
You have got on really well and like each other, you asked him about his ex and he told you they are still friends and asked (probably teasingly) whether that makes you a bit jealous and now the relationship is over because you don't see the point? That is a bit odd on your behalf and if I were in his position, I would be thinking 'what's with the female species'!

IJustWantSomeBees · 15/11/2020 18:14

Honestly I think people are being quite harsh with you here. I agree with you that I would cut my losses if I found out a man I was dating was super chummy with his ex. People on here will tell you it's normal and maybe it is for them, but it doesn't have to be normal for you. If there aren't any kids I don't see the need to stay friends with an ex lover and this early on in the relationship you don't need to justify bailing. His comment about wanting you to be jelous of his friendship with her solidifies to me that you wouldn't be walking into a healthy situation. Look up 'triangulating'

IJustWantSomeBees · 15/11/2020 18:15

Also, if your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it! You don't need the approval of mn to end a relationship that is making you feel uncomfortable. Women should listen to their guts more.