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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this has heartache written all over it

120 replies

Pompom4 · 15/11/2020 14:42

God I know how to pick them.

Been spending time with a lovely man before this lockdown. We sort of knew eachother before the dates. I've always liked him. We both like eachother obviously. Both have enjoyed the conversations etc. I felt like we were really getting into things and hoped we would progress further. He messaged me this morning and we were just chatting backwards and forwards. all lovely. Then I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he split from his ten year relationship two years ago.

Fully expecting a reason. he said they became like friends (fair enough) but then he said this.

She still often comes around for dinner or a cuppa! I'd never go there again he said but I wanted to be honest with you.

Then he said the most ridiculous thing. Baring in mind he's 44!!! He said does that make you jealous??? Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

So I was quite blunt with him. Told him no I wasn't not jealous and why an earth would he want a new lover to be feeling under threat from his ex. He quickly started back peddling. I said to him,I need to process what you've just said (he also said he doesn't want to take their relationship pics down on Facebook as it's his history) he was trying to apologize but I just couldn't believe how immature he had been.

I sent him a message at lunch and said. Look we can remain friends but I honestly do not wish to be involved in you and your ex. He told me there was nothing to get mixed up in and he was gutted I was upset and had felt upset by it all.

I'm capable of accepting people being friendly. But he's only ever told me he's never wanted to meet other women until now. I figured he had been through some horrendous split. But no he's still feeding her etc.

Anyhow he's trying to talk a little but I'm so put off. Which is a shame because he's been absolutely wonderful to spend time with. I know he's been depressed. I know he's had a really hard time. I know he's not a horrible man. He's been really honest with me about everything. But I just think it's friggin weird.

He was talking about a future with me but it sounds ridiculous. Like how would that work. Plus I have children. His ex doesn't.

I just feel I can't continue with it now. She could get upset when she finds out he's moving on. There's many reasons why I just don't see the point now.

I don't think he's over her but he said he definitely is. But surely he's not stupid enough to think that's not going to put a new women off?

What's with the male species.

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 15/11/2020 15:33

Unless they're eating their dinner off of each other I don't see the problem.

Elbels · 15/11/2020 15:35

Surely it's the opposite of immaturity if you are able to spend time with an ex and not fuck or fight?

OverTheRubicon · 15/11/2020 15:39

No he said if I was a little jealous it might be nice to show him.how I feel

Ew that really is off-putting. I think the actual situation makes sense, but personally I hate jealousy, stbxh always wanted me to be a bit jealous, in hindsight it was a red flag for both his own jealousy and his desire to control how I felt.

CloudMoon · 15/11/2020 15:41

Agree with @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

You have a little self respect and will be with a totally respectful man one day. Most just put up with the mind games.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/11/2020 15:43

I think your behaviour here has been extremely immature and I don’t really see the issue. You say you don’t have a problem with him staying friends with ex, but that is exactly your problem? And why does them not having children invalidate a friendship? You seem to think having a child automatically makes you mature and him immature.

The “does this make you jealous” can be taken two ways—(a) I want you to feel jealous (b) let me know if there is an issue so we can discuss.

AzraiL · 15/11/2020 15:44

If he sounded the way I think he sounded, he was fully expecting you to express jealousy over the situation so he could have his ego stroked, and be 'sure' that you really liked him.

As someone who has had someone else attempt to triangulate me in the past, I'd be put off too.

Eckhart · 15/11/2020 15:52

I'm 13 years younger than him and expected maturity. But he's honestly made himself look like a man child

I don't know why you would expect maturity from a man who has got himself involved with someone so immature as yourself.

MitziK · 15/11/2020 15:52

@Pompom4

It's not that hard time follow *@SuperAlly*

He started getting involved with me and has now told me he cooks for his ex and they meet for cups of tea. Doesn't sound like he's ready to move on!

That makes you sound incredibly jealous and somewhat ridiculous . After all, you're angry and talking about dumping him because he has stayed friends with his ex and, in your opinion, that means he still wants to be with her.
Dearmaria · 15/11/2020 15:53

I'm still good friends with an ex. We just drifted apart, there was no malice and no reason not to be friends. My DH plays golf with him. Which is probably weird Grin

I think you're over reacting OP but also think it sounds like he wanted you to be jealous to inflate his ego a bit and who can be arsed with that. Cut your losses, you're put off him now and that's all there is to it.

FOJN · 15/11/2020 15:55

Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

This would be a problem for me. It says, "I need to provoke negative emotions in order to know how you feel, being grown up and asking you is beyond me".

You do sound as if him being friends with his ex would be a problem. Neither of you are off to a great start communication wise so I think you're right, it will lead to heartache. If you plan to end it then do it firmly but kindly; maintain your dignity and walk away. Don't hang around for a messy post match analysis, no good ever comes of that.

timetochangeagainforever · 15/11/2020 15:58

I'm still friends with my exH - we had just become like siblings and agreed to split after 20 years.
I'm now friends with his partner too. We spend significant occasions in our (grown) kids lives and are all planning to spend Christmas dinner together. He's still close with my parents and sister too.
We have many shared friends as well.
I would introduce any new partner to him.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 15/11/2020 16:06

I'm not sure I see the problem with him being friends with his ex. My OH didn't bat an eye when my ex sent me a bunch of flowers and a condolence card when he heard my dad had died. Not everybody hates the person they used to love.

PhatPhanny · 15/11/2020 16:07

A bit of your immaturity showing Id say, even if its not jealousy, they had a 10 year relationship, if they split amicably, there could be any number of reasons they still meet up, cups of tea and a bit of dinner is hardly the end of the world.

He chose poor wording and perhaps he was fishing for feels in the wrong places, but your response and reaction should warn him off you, not the other way round.

livinlavida · 15/11/2020 16:12

So the real issue here is you don't like him being friends with his ex - he's been completely honest and open about it. He has every right to remain friends after that long a relationship and amicable split.
Asking if you're jealous was just fishing for a bit of an ego boost for him - nothing more. Honestly think you may have really over reacted to this op

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 15/11/2020 16:13

This is one of the first times that’s I’d say YABU, it sounds like he brought up his ex and that they still see each other (generally I mark this as a big tick with a new man as it shows maturity and that they’re probably a nice person), he then sensed a change in you / the conversation and so asked if you were jealous and if so to speak to him about it so you could have an adult discussion around it?

ClickandForget · 15/11/2020 16:15

I don't understand why they both have been meeting since he moved out. It's literally the first time I've comes across such a weird situation. But clearly he's not over her

I still meet up with my ex husband. We divorced over 20 years ago. We are totally over each other - but we've known each other since early teens. We are friends. It's not weird.

IndecentFeminist · 15/11/2020 16:18

Either you're jealous, in which case asking you wouldn't be unreasonable. Or you're not, in which case it isn't an issue for him to still see his ex. Can't have it both ways.

Sarahandco · 15/11/2020 16:19

If he wants you to be jealous that does not bode well.

He may also be trying to make his ex jealous of you.

ClickandForget · 15/11/2020 16:20

He started getting involved with me and has now told me he cooks for his ex and they meet for cups of tea. Doesn't sound like he's ready to move on!

See, I don't see it as all that odd. If it was an amicable split, it'd be normal to catch up occasionally. In my world, anyway.

Nicolastuffedone · 15/11/2020 16:21

Jeez, do a runner!! That’s to him, not you......

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 15/11/2020 16:21

@Pompom4

No he said if I was a little jealous it might be nice to show him.how I feel.

How can he have a new partner with his ex coming around for meals with him?

Yes he can be her friend. No I'm not jealous. I'm just not willing to try find my place between two lovers who still need that sort of closeness.

I don't understand why they both have been meeting since he moved out. It's literally the first time I've comes across such a weird situation. But clearly he's not over her

I have no idea why you think they can't still be friends & have dinner together just because they're not in a relationship.

I think your outlook on this is really weird.

However, him wanting you to be jealous is not good & I'd distance myself for that alone.

I don't think you two are compatible.

But I'd also suggest you do some work on what you consider normal re previous relationship partners or you may find it impossible to maintain a relationship with someone.

Leaannb · 15/11/2020 16:25

@Dearmaria

I'm still good friends with an ex. We just drifted apart, there was no malice and no reason not to be friends. My DH plays golf with him. Which is probably weird Grin

I think you're over reacting OP but also think it sounds like he wanted you to be jealous to inflate his ego a bit and who can be arsed with that. Cut your losses, you're put off him now and that's all there is to it.

My husband started a business with my ex...I thought I was done with ass 27 years ago..How wrong I was. TBF he is incredible at what he does and has changed dramatically and is a wonderful friend. Im having dinner with him tonight
grapewine · 15/11/2020 16:36

Seems like a complete overreaction on your part. But if you can't deal with their friendship, then you can't, and breaking away from him is probably the best thing to do for both your sakes.

Being friends with his ex doesn't make him an immature manchild, though.

LindaEllen · 15/11/2020 16:42

My parents split up 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage. My dad still has a key to the house, they go to the rugby together and have even been on holiday together. They act like friends now. He is in her bubble during lockdown.

Neither of them are in the slightest bit interested in having a romantic relationship or moving back in together.

Perhaps your guy was just asking if you were jealous so he could reassure you about it. I can understand you would feel a bit weird with him spending so much time alone with his ex, so it's a fair question.

When I moved in with DP his ex (who he'd agreed to stay friends with) used to pop round ALL the time, but it was awkward as anything as he clearly didn't want her there .. it gradually tapered off and obviously stopped altogether due to lockdown - so I do know how it can feel with an ex hanging around. But it depends entirely on the situation.

FenellaVelour · 15/11/2020 16:47

I don’t understand how this is weird or immature.