To think this has heartache written all over it

[Pompom4]

God I know how to pick them.

Been spending time with a lovely man before this lockdown. We sort of knew eachother before the dates. I've always liked him. We both like eachother obviously. Both have enjoyed the conversations etc. I felt like we were really getting into things and hoped we would progress further. He messaged me this morning and we were just chatting backwards and forwards. all lovely. Then I made the stupid mistake of asking him why he split from his ten year relationship two years ago.

Fully expecting a reason. he said they became like friends (fair enough) but then he said this.

She still often comes around for dinner or a cuppa! I'd never go there again he said but I wanted to be honest with you.

Then he said the most ridiculous thing. Baring in mind he's 44!!! He said does that make you jealous??? Then he said not crazy jealous but a little so I know how you feel for me.

So I was quite blunt with him. Told him no I wasn't not jealous and why an earth would he want a new lover to be feeling under threat from his ex. He quickly started back peddling. I said to him,I need to process what you've just said (he also said he doesn't want to take their relationship pics down on Facebook as it's his history) he was trying to apologize but I just couldn't believe how immature he had been.

I sent him a message at lunch and said. Look we can remain friends but I honestly do not wish to be involved in you and your ex. He told me there was nothing to get mixed up in and he was gutted I was upset and had felt upset by it all.

I'm capable of accepting people being friendly. But he's only ever told me he's never wanted to meet other women until now. I figured he had been through some horrendous split. But no he's still feeding her etc.

Anyhow he's trying to talk a little but I'm so put off. Which is a shame because he's been absolutely wonderful to spend time with. I know he's been depressed. I know he's had a really hard time. I know he's not a horrible man. He's been really honest with me about everything. But I just think it's friggin weird.

He was talking about a future with me but it sounds ridiculous. Like how would that work. Plus I have children. His ex doesn't.

I just feel I can't continue with it now. She could get upset when she finds out he's moving on. There's many reasons why I just don't see the point now.

I don't think he's over her but he said he definitely is. But surely he's not stupid enough to think that's not going to put a new women off?

What's with the male species.

Wow. You sound completely irrational and were looking for validation here that your warped way of looking at things was correct. It’s healthy that he is still amicable with his ex and you have overreacted. You’ve done him a favour - bet he’ll be glad he dodged a bullet with you.

This is strange, You would think that if he wanted OP to be jealous, he would have told her about his ex from the start, but he only told her when she asked about their relationship.

His saying that he wouldn't take down Facebook pics, without the OP making any mention of it, sounds as though he has been through this with other women, women who were jealous.

But using her jealousy to gauge her feelings for him is off.

[quote Plmoknijb123]@lyralalala not immediately but certainly start to put space between them. How can you move on if you’re so tethered to your ex?[/quote]
Jow is being friends with your ex being tethered to them. Are you tethered to your female friends?

He chose poor wording and perhaps he was fishing for feels in the wrong places, but your response and reaction should warn him off you, not the other way round.

My thoughts exactly.

I don't think he worded it well, the "does it make you jealous" comment is off-putting but people do sometimes word things badly and especially over text messages. I think what he's said to you since on his messages shows that's not what he meant and it's a bit of a misunderstanding.

Your reaction however is completely over the top and your posts on here do come across as very immature. Maybe tomorrow look them over with a clearer head and bit of distance from the situation.

[quote Plmoknijb123]@lyralalala not immediately but certainly start to put space between them. How can you move on if you’re so tethered to your ex?[/quote]
Having dinner or a cuppa with someone is hardly tethered.

They are friends. People have dinner with their friends.

Demanding someone cuts friendships after 4 dates is controlling.

I know people disagree with me but I think an ex is different to a friend. They had a really close relationship and they have a bond. It’s not unusual to feel a bit threatened by that.

Yes you can be friend with an ex, but if you move on with someone new, that person should be your priority. If your ex is super important to you then you should probably be with them. That is just my opinion.

My ex is overseas. I speak to him every week. Sometime the kids are around sometimes not. I love him.. because he is a lovely person. We divorced because he was like my brother. We were mates but not lovers.

My grown up emotionally mature DH is often in the room while we FaceTime .. I always say 'I love you' at the end of the conversation. Our eldest actually thanked me last year for having the most 'civilised divorce ever' (she's 25 though so sees this through adult eyes)..

He is coming to visit the kids next year and will stay with us. If he was in the UK I would definitely be having cups of tea.. this does not mean I am going to jump into bed with him !!

You need to grow up a bit OP.. just because you are not at each other's throats doesn't mean 'something is going on' ... It means you had a meaningful relationship with someone and the good qualities are still the good qualities.. if he wanted to be with her and her with him .. then they would be together. but that relationship is done.

Fuck him off if you like - but I think he is simply honest and you are missing out on someone who sounds honest and decent and it's you who has the issues .

Sorry I'm with OP.

The 'oooh, does that make you jealous' bit would have me holding up the hand and saying ok, thanks but no thanks. And no, it wasn't 'badly worded' - he actually said 'just a little jealous so I know how you feel' - WHAT - pathetic, stirring nonsense. 44? Bye Felipe.

I'm with OP too. Especially how he worded it all as if he will get a kick out of you being jealous, just a bit 'ick' and strange.

Fair enough people on here are friends with their ex and credit to them but I would end something before it really started if I found out they were still spending time with their ex.

I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex if there are children involved but not spending time together as friends.

You've gotten a really hard time here OP.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex.
The problem lies in the fact he is attempting to triangulate.
I couldn't be arsed with this either.

I would think it quite healthy that he gets on with his ex, he may have a bit clumsy when he spoke about it but if it doesn’t suit you then stop seeing him- no need for drama

Why can’t someone be friends with their ex? It seems perfectly normal to me.

The thing about making you jealous just sounds as though he isn’t sure of your feelings & wanted an indication.

I do think you are reading far too much into it - and also that you sound possessive and controlling. Honestly, if a man behaved to a woman like you are to him, I’d tell the woman to run a mile, because possessive & controlling only gets worse.

I’m still good friends with 2 of my ex’s
One I don’t see often as we live hundreds of miles apart but we are in regular phone contact - exchange Xmas and birthday cards
Other x lives locally - we meet up for coffee or meals occasionally (pre lockdown) especially if he is working nearby or vice versa
I help him out with things like cat feeding if he is away with his GF he is quite practical so helps me with things going wrong with car or house
Maybe my views are different because I was friends with both of them before we tried relationships - when the relationship didn’t work we stayed friends

I might be in the minority here but personally I would feel uncomfortable with this. Especially with the cooking a meal part etc. I get people can remain on friendly terms with an ex but to me inviting them home and cooking a meal on such a regular basis crosses a certain line for me.

I think in most situations I would find inviting a friend of the opposite gender on their own back home crosses a certain line. But maybe that is just me personally.

I am lucky to have a partner that feels the same. No trust issues or jealousy but personally I would not like to deliberately put my fiancé in a position where he was forced to trust me or where it could be misinterpreted by the other person

@Feelingthelobe

Not seeing an issue to be honest. Sounds like a big drama over nothing

This. Lots of people have perfectly amiable friendships with their exes. I met my husband on a day I’d had lunch with my most recent ex — we’re still friends, and still have dinner or go to a concert together before Covid knocked things on the head.

Asking if you’re jealous sounds unattractively teenage to me, but that doesn’t seem to be the thing that’s upsetting you.

I don't see a problem with this, if anything it seems like he's the mature one? Maintaining a friendship with an ex is a good thing, surely

@Holyrivolli

Wow. You sound completely irrational and were looking for validation here that your warped way of looking at things was correct. It’s healthy that he is still amicable with his ex and you have overreacted. You’ve done him a favour - bet he’ll be glad he dodged a bullet with you.

I have zero idea why you are upset. His 'are you jealous' comment sounds like a slightly clumsy way of trying to take things a little further, as it sounds like you aren't really in a relationship right now - you're just "chatting". So he's basically trying to say he likes you and hopes you can move on past chatting, and you appear to have wildly overreacted.

I agree with PP who say he's dodged a bullet. Him being friendly with an ex is a sign of his maturity. Your crazy teenage reaction to it is a sign of your immaturity.

I think you have made some pretty massive jumps from one small conversation, and have come across as very judgemental and rigid in your thinking in that you’ve decided he’s “immature” because he asked if you were jealous.

Your relationship is (was?) in its very early stages, where you don’t know much about each other yet. That he can be friends with a long term ex shows that HE is mature, can probably communicate well in a relationship, he knows when something isn’t working yet he won’t hang onto a dead relationship until all that’s left is strong negative emotions.

You’re reaction does actually make you sound a little drama lama and lacking in life experience. But it’s also shown that you will look at life differently and are probably not well suited.

I get it OP, and I would be backing off too if I were you.Or I'd be cautious, at the very least.

It sounded like he WANTED you to be jealous, which is a massive turn off.

I have a similar relationship with my ex - he pops in for lunch or a coffee sometimes.

I also haven't erased him from sm because he was part of my life and they're happy photos of happy times.

It doesn't mean we're anything except friends.

I don't like that he asked you if you were jealous, but you do sound incredibly jealous, so maybe he picked up on that, especially if you were asking him to delete photos.

Even when you say 'his ex doesn't have children but I do' it just sounds like you're comparing yourself unfavourably with her, rejecting him before he can reject you almost.