to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

@riotlady I so agree. My comments on this thread may have given the impression that I have lots of friends. I do not, because of moving about so much. But I will never, ever stop trying to make them, no matter how many times I am snubbed .The few I have totally bring colour to my life.

More friendly acquaintances than friends is my personal experience. I just don't have the time or energy to throw into friendship like I did with folk years ago. I prefer to spend time with family, as dull as that sounds.

@Grenlei

Shirley why is it ridiculous? Do you know men who discuss personal problems with their pals? Because thinking of men I know most of them have pretty superficial friendships, even those that do have friends. If my partner had serious problems I'd want him to know he could come to me and vice versa.

But what if the thing he needs to talk about IS you? Relationship problems, your health deteriorating etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to each other about this, but I think saying it's basically better to encourage men to be entirely reliant emotionally on their partner is so unhealthy. And presumably if they are widowed or seperated then the best thing they can do is rush out and find another woman asap?

[quote CHiPS1971]**@Frequentflier
Have found this thread v depressing. Especially the posts about actively trying to avoid ppl who ask you out for a coffee or invite you over for dinner. An eye-opener. I will just say that parents die, partners leave or die, and children will most certainly leave.

@Frequentflier i agree with you totally. I moved miles away from home 10 yrs, left all my family and friends behind. Have attempted multiple times to make friends, i have invited for coffee and dinner to no avail. In my case ,the people took the free coffee and the free dinners ...and that was that.

@Feministicon "That’s the most depressing thing I read 😛"
@Feministicon your smiley face and ignorant comment is the most depressing thing i think i have seen all 2020! Well done for being one of the most ignorant and insensitive people of 2020!

[/quote]
Where have you been if this is the most depressing thing you’ve seen in 2020, fucks sake.

blowinahoolie

"I just don't have the time or energy to throw into friendship like I did with folk years ago. I prefer to spend time with family, as dull as that sounds."

It's not that it sounds dull... its lovely to enjoy being with family. Its just that it sounds very limiting and restricting. Surely if you only ever hang out with each other you're going to lack external stimuli and sort of close in on yourself after a while. Don't you need outside references to bounce things off? or a sounding board? or just alternative points of view on things?

Also what if you want someone to talk to outside the family? You can't always share everything within the family.

@thepeopleversuswork, thank you. I wasn’t referring to people not having a friendship network as depressing, as I said further up the thread I don’t think it’s unusual these days it was a tongue in cheek response to the ‘Let new friends in your life because everyone else will die eventually’ but I forgot you can’t have a light joke on here.

Interesting thread!!

Its been an issue for me because I was abused and scapegoated as a child. I was always in disgrace and ostracized, or made to hoover the entire house with the small nozzle, so no playing or fun. I just wanted to get away to safety by myself as a child.

When I went to university I struggled because I wasn't used to people and had learned and internalized being alone. I didn't know how to manage friends or how to stick up for myself. Imagine having ben ridiculed all your life, how do you go from that to telling a story in a group??

What saved me was music. Local music lovers coming round to my bedroom and playing records with me. Not so much chat, but something in common.

I've been lucky in that a chap I met at 19 has been one of my best friends since then (now 46) and the couple I lodged with are my new parents. I also made a friend whilst travelling 15 years ago and we're very close friends.

But I still prefer my own company. The idea of a group holiday fills me with dread. I'm hardwired to skirt the edges just in case I need to escape to safety.

Luckily being a musician is a very social thing and doesn't involve talking.

I think it's one of the longest lasting outcomes of child abuse.

@Feministicon "Where have you been if this is the most depressing thing you’ve seen in 2020, fucks sake."

I have been here , helping my community , those isolating and those less fortunate than me. Despite the fact ,i have not been in receipt much from them over the years. I thought something may have changed with people this year. Fucks sake!!!!!

You have some valid points there, the people. I am quite a solitary person anyway, even before having a relationship and then children coming along. I enjoy my own space. Can see the other side of the coin though, to others it probably does sound limiting.

I did years ago have a small group of friends but due to all living in different regions, life moving in different directions etc, it all naturally fizzled out. Just one of those things.

Some of us are just very selfish with our time.

Then it’s hyperbole to say that it’s the most depressing thing you’ve seen, I’m sorry this has been your experience.

Something2say what blessing that you found music, such a great way to make friends.

DH and I bonded over our unusual music taste

Music is a great way to bond with others especially if you play an instrument, no talking needed!

I think you're right, I don't think its unusual.

My DH only has a couple of close friends, and my parents never seemed to have any friends when i was growing up but now have 1 other couple that they're friends with that they go out for drinks/dinner with quite often (well, before the pandemic they did). My sister doesn't really have any friends at all now I think about it.

I feel lucky that I have a lot of friends, all of which I've had for a long time. I did find it difficult to make proper friends at uni though. Sure I had "friends", got drunk with them, got on well enough with some of them that we shared a house after 1st year, but I was never close enough to anyone that I saw them outside of uni after we graduated.

My grandparents were quite the social butterflies too and were always surrounded by friends.

So I don't think its necessarily something from recent years, I think it just depends on peoples personalities and their circumstances.

On the surface I'm sociable and smiley. On the inside I'm not.

This describes me perfectly. I absolutely love a good chat at the school gates or to my neighbours, and I'm happy to have surface level 'friendships', but I just cannot be bothered with maintaining anything deeper. I have a DH, two DC, and a family that I'm close to.

I have one solitary friend from Uni who I speak to once every six months-ish, and we meet up every year (if that) for a gossip. There is a Mum at the school gates who pops over for playdates occasionally, but we certainly wouldn't see each other without the children. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything and am very content!

In my mid twenties I went on holiday with a few Uni friends and it was utterly exhausting. I don't know how people do it on a regular basis!

Pikachubaby, yes, very lucky. I'm quite socially awkward but can discuss music till the cows come home!

What's your taste then?!

Namechangetheworld, re group holidays, god yes, exhausting. Having to make conversation all day, day after day. And the ins and outs of is everyone ready, do we have to go in this shop, someone needs the loo, someone needs help with something. I get that people might enjoy it, but I'd come back needing another holiday. I honestly prefer to avoid groups. But a good catch up for 40 mins and then another one 6 weeks later, fabulous xxxx

@Grenlei

Shirley why is it ridiculous? Do you know men who discuss personal problems with their pals? Because thinking of men I know most of them have pretty superficial friendships, even those that do have friends. If my partner had serious problems I'd want him to know he could come to me and vice versa.

Yes, I know that DH has very close relationships with men he’s known since university and others from the army. Also others from sports club and work. But then they’re all fairly in touch with discussing personal stuff and ok with it.

He also discusses really personal stuff with me too. We have great communication but I’m very glad he’s also got guy mates to discuss that stuff with - ie becoming a new father. I’d think it very odd if he had no friends tbh.

@something2say Yes, that's exactly how I felt! Zero alone time, except when I went to the loo. Longest week of my life.

My very sociable cousin and his wife have a longstanding friendship group with three other couples and go on holiday together twice a year. Every time they talk about it I tell them how lovely it sounds whilst inwardly thinking it sounds like utter hell.

Friends have always been incredibly important in my life and I'm pleased to say I have never been without them. I will be 60 next year and I still meet up regularly with a friend I met at school when we were 16. In fact, we went out for lunch the day before lockdown to celebrate her 60th birthday.

I made friends when my children were babies (my oldest is 35 next week) and I still meet with several of them. We have a Girls Weekend away every year and we meet a couple of times a month for coffee. I have made friends at nearly every job I have had and still meet regularly with most of them too. I have a friend I run with every week, several friends I walk with, several more I play in a band with etc. When I got divorced my friends were there for me and supported me through it and when I met my OH he understood that I would still spend time with my friends on a regular basis. We have been married for 9 years now and it's never been a source of contention in our relationship even though I will meet up with at least one of my friends most days.

When I took my last job I decided it would be the job I would retire from. It was a senior management role and so I told myself it didn't matter if my colleagues were not 'friends', I just needed to work with them and get along with them. As it turned out I met someone there who is now one of my closest friends. We are both now retired and see each other regularly.

My kids all know if they ask me to babysit or help them with something I may be have a previous commitment and would never expect me to cancel my friends for them. I think it makes me a more interesting person

DH very sociable in comparison. He has several friends he has known them for years and years. I am happy for him, but don't wish to be in his place. That's his choosing. I am more than happy just plodding along in life, chatting with neighbours in nice weather in between the chaos of raising four DC. Hoping for some canine companionship in the new year which will be the icing on the cake for me. Looking to make a few friends/acquaintances this way in future. I take on board what folk are saying about limiting your options by only speaking to family. Hopefully raising a puppy and expanding my horizons in the world of dog training classes will help there.

Glad I stumbled across this thread

From bitter experience, a lot of women, especially mum’s have friendships of convenience.

I learnt this the hard way. Thought I had a large group of close friends, made mainly through dc’s at nursery, play groups, schools etc.

You feel like you’re really friendly, meet up all of the time, even go on holidays (obvs pre covid) because your kids are friends or similar ages and it was great fun.

As kids move onto different friends and different schools, activities etc, mum friends seem to move on too....

I should say though, that the saying is true, it does show who your true friends are, even if in a smaller number.

I did find it quite hurtful at the time though as I really saw some of them as very close.

@Letsgetgoing888

From bitter experience, a lot of women, especially mum’s have friendships of convenience.

I learnt this the hard way. Thought I had a large group of close friends, made mainly through dc’s at nursery, play groups, schools etc.

You feel like you’re really friendly, meet up all of the time, even go on holidays (obvs pre covid) because your kids are friends or similar ages and it was great fun.

As kids move onto different friends and different schools, activities etc, mum friends seem to move on too....

But that’s entirely normal, to have some situational friendships that are not lifelong — most friendships aren’t lifelong. It doesn’t invalidate the friendships or mean they’re meaningless or disposable.

GrandUnion

"But that’s entirely normal, to have some situational friendships that are not lifelong — most friendships aren’t lifelong. It doesn’t invalidate the friendships or mean they’re meaningless or disposable."

Exactly. I find this attitude so frustrating. If you go into every friendship expecting it to last a lifetime of course you're going to be hurt and disappointed. Not every friendship will last to the end of your life and not every friend will be with you forever. It doesn't mean that it hasn't been a worthwhile experience.

I've always preferred to spend time one to one with a friend, or maybe two. As soon as I'm in a group I find it hard to be heard as there's always someone louder than me. Some of us are just quieter and don't enjoy group environments. I quite like just BEING in a group, and sitting observing what's going on and I don't mind circulating round a room talking to people one to one if there's lot of individuals I know. But sitting in a large group in a pub, being an active part of the group, with everyone shouting across, nah, not really my thing. A hen night is my idea of hell, it's a group environment with people I will only ever see once again my life, at whosever wedding it is. A whole day and night of small talk with strangers plus the bride and maybe one other. Not for me, thanks. It makes me really uncomfortable to ACT as a group, if you see what I mean. I don't like all the "oh, why don't we all do this, that or the other now?" I just want to be my own person and not act as a homogenous group.

So, for that reason, no, I don't like large group holidays or "girlie" nights out. I have never been into "let's all meet up at someone's house to put our makeup on together" type of night out. I can understand why some people DO like that type of friendship activity, but I don't understand why those people dont' understand that there are many many people like me who still like people but just don't feel the need to spend lots of time with them.