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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a GIANT red flag?

126 replies

StefInTheLandOfCrazy · 15/11/2020 08:34

Hi all, very long time lurker on both AIBU and the Relationships boards, but I just created an accountant to open this thread. I’d like to hear external opinions to check if I am overreacting or not.

I have been on 4 dates with a man who has been separated from his ex wife for over a year, now in the process of divorcing. No kids. He is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. We have never discussed our relationship status. For context, I live abroad and here we are not in lockdown.

Yesterday I had dinner with guy (date number 4), and he told me that a few days ago he sent a letter (handwritten) to his ex wife to announce to her that he has now moved on as he is with me. What the hell?!? Confused

He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else Hmm

AIBU to think this is a gigantic red flag and that 1) he must have a lot of unresolved feelings for her to have done such a thing, 2) he does not come across as a nice man if he is so happy he has caused pain to his ex?

I am considering ending things as a result of what happened. Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/11/2020 08:35

RUN

MRex · 15/11/2020 08:36

Yes, it's a flag big enough to cover your city and red red red. On the very kindest interpretation, he is a nasty person.

HouseyHouse21 · 15/11/2020 08:37

You're not overreacting, that's extremely problematic. Don't see him again.

EatDessertFirst · 15/11/2020 08:37

Run indeed. He sounds like a prize wanker.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 15/11/2020 08:37

He sounds dangerous to be honest. You're the best judge of that but what a horrific conversation. And you're only 4 dates in?

CaraDuneRedux · 15/11/2020 08:38

Another "run" from me

MeepyMupp · 15/11/2020 08:38

He's a cunt. Cut all ties . It will get worse, but this time the abuse will be directed to you in the future if you stay in a relationship with him.

MynephewR · 15/11/2020 08:38

Oh god that's weird. Obviously still has feelings for her and he's clearly a spiteful person as well. Yes, I'd end it if I were you.

katmarie · 15/11/2020 08:38

God no, you are not overreacting. He sounds awful. Also he's somewhat deluded if he thought that him going out of his way to cause his ex misery, and enjoying that when it happens, would somehow make you like him more. Hes got no self awareness and is inherently unkind and cruel. As a pp said, run.

Mylittlepony374 · 15/11/2020 08:39

That sounds nasty. And intense that he thinks he's moved in with you after 4 dates. I would end it.

MsVestibule · 15/11/2020 08:40

Sending that letter after 3 dates is definitely strange behaviour. You're right, he's clearly not over his wife if he wants to cause her pain. I would finish it too.

MarthasGinYard · 15/11/2020 08:40

"Moved on with me" I'd have repeated with a confused face.

"We'd been on three dates"Confused

Aisforharlot · 15/11/2020 08:41

Runrunrunrunrunrun
He's unhinged.

flaviaritt · 15/11/2020 08:41

Whatever makes you feel really uncomfortable after 4 dates is a red flag.

BefuddledPerson · 15/11/2020 08:41

Yeah just get out now. Absolutely weird to a) do that and b) tell you about it.

You are one corner of a love triangle!

MsVestibule · 15/11/2020 08:41

On the plus side, he's shown you who he is very quickly. Of course he'll try to talk you out of finishing it; please don't let him.

Isthatitnow · 15/11/2020 08:42

Smug satisfaction that your ex is upset is not a sign of a man who has moved on. Too many people enjoy the idea of a stressed out ex, as if it somehow makes the man one worth hanging on to. Sounds like your self esteem is high and you recognise you don’t need this shit. As others say.....run!

KiposWonderbeasts · 15/11/2020 08:42

Big red flag. Cut him loose.

TJ17 · 15/11/2020 08:42

Yep. He's using you as a pawn in a messy divorce. RUN

Mimishimi · 15/11/2020 08:43

Yes, YANBU, there is something wrong with him. Did he really think that you would be happy that his ex wife was in pain?

allthewaterinthetap · 15/11/2020 08:43

I'd be actually frightened by that. It's so, so weird.

slothtrot · 15/11/2020 08:45

He's a vindictive one isn't he? Time to send him a metaphorical letter to say you are moving on.

Sn0tnose · 15/11/2020 08:54

He’s making some rather large assumptions about your time together. Three dates and he’s ‘with you’? And no discussion between the two of you, he simply tells you that you’re in a relationship with him on the fourth date and expects you not to question it?! Controlling and weird.

As for the letter and his reaction to her upset, that is spiteful and unnecessarily cruel. If he’s showing you this side of his character at a time when everyone is usually on their best behaviour and trying to impress their date, then he clearly doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done. If that’s the behaviour that he’s happy for you to see, then wtf other personality traits is he hiding?

Goalsaintreal · 15/11/2020 08:56

This is horrible for lots of reasons.
It’s a huge red flag that he’s trying to make your relationship into a bigger thing than it currently is and telling people.
It’s a control thing as well. So if you decide the relationship isn’t working out he’ll whine “but I’ve already told people, I thought we were serious” and try make you feel bad.

Piffle11 · 15/11/2020 08:58

Wow, he’s revealed his true colours very early on, hasn’t he? Believing he’s ‘moved on’ after 3 dates, going out of his way to make sure his ex finds out about you, and then relishing her apparent upset ... well, he’s horrible and possibly unhinged. Vindictive and intense, definitely. And clearly not over the relationship: he wants to cause her pain. Run, run, RUN!!!