To think that this is a GIANT red flag?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, very long time lurker on both AIBU and the Relationships boards, but I just created an accountant to open this thread. I’d like to hear external opinions to check if I am overreacting or not.

I have been on 4 dates with a man who has been separated from his ex wife for over a year, now in the process of divorcing. No kids. He is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. We have never discussed our relationship status. For context, I live abroad and here we are not in lockdown.

Yesterday I had dinner with guy (date number 4), and he told me that a few days ago he sent a letter (handwritten) to his ex wife to announce to her that he has now moved on as he is with me. What the hell?!?

He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else

AIBU to think this is a gigantic red flag and that 1) he must have a lot of unresolved feelings for her to have done such a thing, 2) he does not come across as a nice man if he is so happy he has caused pain to his ex?

I am considering ending things as a result of what happened. Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable.

You are right.

He is using you to score point and to upset his ex and is enjoying it...

After only 4 dates you are not in a relationship. Run.

I suppose it's just possible that you have misinterpreted how he looks and his happiness genuinely is that he has closure, i.e. that he believed his marriage was fully over but he hadn't been able to get it through to his ex. If she has been clinging on to a belief that he would come back, it's probably true to say that she would have reacted badly whenever he told her.

However, deciding to tell her that he is "with" you after only three dates is making a hell of an assumption, and would make me very cautious indeed. Whatever the situation, he does seem still quite tangled up in his previous relationship and I think in your situation I would probably decide to steer clear.

Oh dear. I don't like this at all. Not only the fact that he's done something so weird, but also that he told you? He didn't need to tell you.

I think he wanted gratitude from you and heartbreak from his ex.

I know the 'N' word is banded about a lot these days, but he does actually sound like one.

I'd echo previous posters and advise you to get out now before you're invested in a relationship with him.

Fuck that!

also why a letter, has he teleported in from the 1900’s?

What wierdo would write a letter to tell someone that?

RUN

If you stay with him you'll find yourself being dragged into a messy, nasty divorce and life is far too short for that. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

Oh dear.

This is wrong on so many levels - as you know yourself OP.

I hope that was both your 4th and last date with this horrible, manipulative person.

Run. At least it's only been 4 dates. Bullet dodged.

Ruuuuuuun. And agree with flaviaritt - you don’t need a reason or excuse not to see him again, just don’t see him again - and be prepared to block him.

Yikes. I agree with previous posters. Run in the opposite direction! He sounds spiteful.

On the plus side, you sound kind and sensible, but yeah the same csn definitely not be said for him!

Yes red flag.

He’s a) clearly still got too much emotion in connection with her (handwritten note FFS) and b) wants to hurt her presumably because of point a. He sees you as a tool to inflict damage. Not good. I’d be outta there

So after your 3rd date he's TELLING YOU that you are going to have a relationship with him!!
That alone would make me run, let alone his disgusting reaction about his ex-wife's breakdown.
Like others have said he's vindictive and controlling.

Ooooh yeah.... absolute psychopath. I would definitely block.

A quick text to say he was dating and didn't want her to hear it on the grapevine would have been enough. But a letter detailing who he was 'with' is just bizarre. I can only presume he went into too much detail comparing you both etc etc for a text.

Bloody weird to tell you all about it too! Were you supposed to be flattered? Feel like you'd won the prize that is him. Thrown yourself into his arms with gratitude that he declared his affection for you in such a romantic way (NOT! )?

So many huge red flags: assuming 3 dates in you are together; spitefully telling exwife in a letter; being delighted that he caused her such pain; telling you about it expecting you to be impressed.

Back in the sea!

What country are you in if not social distancing x

No date 5.

Run.

Trust your instincts OP.

Yes, huge red flags waving!

@MRex

Yes, it's a flag big enough to cover your city and red red red. On the very kindest interpretation, he is a nasty person.

THIS ^

To take great joy in hurting the other person after a YEAR is indicative af a mean and spiteful personality.

He has told you who he is in no uncertain terms - believe him!

Run like the wind.

I'd dump him right off. My exH did that to his ex wife and then a few years on to me.

Really weird behaviour from him - definite red flag. Sounds like he acted purely to punish his ex and show he’s ‘winning’ the breakup. Not good traits!