To think that this is a GIANT red flag?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, very long time lurker on both AIBU and the Relationships boards, but I just created an accountant to open this thread. I’d like to hear external opinions to check if I am overreacting or not.

I have been on 4 dates with a man who has been separated from his ex wife for over a year, now in the process of divorcing. No kids. He is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. We have never discussed our relationship status. For context, I live abroad and here we are not in lockdown.

Yesterday I had dinner with guy (date number 4), and he told me that a few days ago he sent a letter (handwritten) to his ex wife to announce to her that he has now moved on as he is with me. What the hell?!?

He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else

AIBU to think this is a gigantic red flag and that 1) he must have a lot of unresolved feelings for her to have done such a thing, 2) he does not come across as a nice man if he is so happy he has caused pain to his ex?

I am considering ending things as a result of what happened. Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable.

Is it just me, or is it the hand written part that seems so off? Who does that these days?!

He sounds fucking weird. Stay away. Don't see him again.

Block him.

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. I am glad to see that virtually everyone agrees with me that this behavior is out of order.

When he told me about the letter, my immediate reaction was “you did WHAT?”, followed by “why would you do that??”. After a bit he must have realized that he wasn’t coming across well at all and he changed subject, quite forcefully so.

So now I need to decide how to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Do you reckon a text is good enough in this situation?

@HappyDays10101

Is it just me, or is it the hand written part that seems so off? Who does that these days?!

I feel the same, the handwritten letter touch makes the whole thing somewhat more pompous and creepier!!

I wonder if he wrote a letter because it’s only way he can contact her as she’s blocked every other method?
A text is definitely good enough.

It's 4 dates, a text is fine.

Make sure you block him because this one's not going to go quietly.

Are you going to tell him that it's because you were deeply disturbed by his delight at hurting his ex?

what a creep

and good point there ladygracie

Whenever there's a thread entitled "Is this a red flag?" or "Is this abuse?", 99.9% of the time the answer is yes.

A text is fine - I mean, I really want you to hand-write him a letter, but that would be petty.

I don’t think he gives a stuff about his ex. I also think he’s a nasty sadist who enjoys hurting people. He probably pulls the wings off flies.

@StefInTheLandOfCrazy

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. I am glad to see that virtually everyone agrees with me that this behavior is out of order.

When he told me about the letter, my immediate reaction was “you did WHAT?”, followed by “why would you do that??”. After a bit he must have realized that he wasn’t coming across well at all and he changed subject, quite forcefully so.

So now I need to decide how to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Do you reckon a text is good enough in this situation?

Why not hand write it?

You could use the back of a used envelope and a marker pen. Means he knows this is 'closure'...

He hasn't asked to move in has he.

When you dump him, my advice is to make it all about you, not him. Tell him that you feel you aren’t ready to date so don’t want to see him again. You will be well rid!

Like some other posters, I was wondering if it was even true. He could say his ex was heartbroken but you've only got his word for it that it happened. She might be glad, he might not have written to her, any of it could be false.

Either way, whatever the truth of it, it's horrible behaviour and you would be well rid. I wouldn't mention what caused me to end it, in case he uses the same script to some other woman and gives her a heads up too.

He got satisfaction from deliberately hurting his ex. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that, now he has his 'closure'. Creepy, intense fucker. I wonder if she had a breakdown because she's tried hard to get rid of him by every other means and he's still infecting her life. At least you recognise it.

Go with your gut. Run!

What a stupid man. He gets enjoyment out of poking wounds, doesn't he? And you would be the next one to get poked, if he got the chance.

After a bit he must have realized that he wasn’t coming across well at all and he changed subject, quite forcefully so.

You've seen through his mask already, too late to pull it back into place.

I'd be tempted to write a postcard, rather than a letter......

I recon the letter because she's blocked him on all platforms

Have you had no inkling , other than this, that he's an obnoxious wanker?

i think a text is adequate. Four dates. You don't owe him anything. It doesn't feel right so you don't fancy a fifth date. That's all.

Good luck though. He sounds like he'll react to that by telling you all your shortcomings!

@StefInTheLandOfCrazy

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. I am glad to see that virtually everyone agrees with me that this behavior is out of order.

When he told me about the letter, my immediate reaction was “you did WHAT?”, followed by “why would you do that??”. After a bit he must have realized that he wasn’t coming across well at all and he changed subject, quite forcefully so.

So now I need to decide how to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Do you reckon a text is good enough in this situation?

Yes, a text is fine. You've only had 4 dates.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Playing devils advocate here, but what if she was a horrid spiteful cow who had cheated on him? Perhaps he’s been in a psychologically manipulative relationship with a bitch from hell?

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

LOL.

It's irrelevant what she was like. She could have been Lady Macbeth and his behaviour is still a fucking massive red flag.

He has informed the OP that she's in a relationship she didn't actually know she was in. She'd had 3 dates FGS.

He's a fucking nutter. Only someone who was short of exhausting drama and sorrow in their lives and wanted lots of it, would give him the benefit of the doubt.

@StefInTheLandOfCrazy

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. I am glad to see that virtually everyone agrees with me that this behavior is out of order.

When he told me about the letter, my immediate reaction was “you did WHAT?”, followed by “why would you do that??”. After a bit he must have realized that he wasn’t coming across well at all and he changed subject, quite forcefully so.

So now I need to decide how to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Do you reckon a text is good enough in this situation?

No please write him a letter

Um, yes! He’s bad news, and I’d agree with pp who’ve suggested being low-key ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ then blocking him. Confronting someone like this with their behaviour could get volatile.