Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a GIANT red flag?

126 replies

StefInTheLandOfCrazy · 15/11/2020 08:34

Hi all, very long time lurker on both AIBU and the Relationships boards, but I just created an accountant to open this thread. I’d like to hear external opinions to check if I am overreacting or not.

I have been on 4 dates with a man who has been separated from his ex wife for over a year, now in the process of divorcing. No kids. He is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. We have never discussed our relationship status. For context, I live abroad and here we are not in lockdown.

Yesterday I had dinner with guy (date number 4), and he told me that a few days ago he sent a letter (handwritten) to his ex wife to announce to her that he has now moved on as he is with me. What the hell?!? Confused

He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else Hmm

AIBU to think this is a gigantic red flag and that 1) he must have a lot of unresolved feelings for her to have done such a thing, 2) he does not come across as a nice man if he is so happy he has caused pain to his ex?

I am considering ending things as a result of what happened. Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 15/11/2020 10:10

Obviously using you to get at her either because he wants her back, or in a spiteful way to cause her pain and distress. I would step back from it all. Who wants that kind of drama in their lives?

SentientAndCognisant · 15/11/2020 10:10

He’s clearly a head case. Frankly it’s only his account, maybe his ex was like Yas!Moved on, I’m finally rid of you. Pity the woman who’s your latest love interest^

Unpleasant man who clearly thought this little bit of drama would woo you, he’d pitch it as both inextricably drawn to each other after 4 dates.

Obviously delete his details and ignore him

Onadifferentuniverse · 15/11/2020 10:20

Writing a letter to your ex 3 dates in saying you’re with someone else is completely bonkers.

Being happy about it too... yeah, what a jerk.

lyralalala · 15/11/2020 10:22

Massive red flag.

Either he's a dick who was intentionally nasty to his ex for no reason OR he's one of those people who bangs on about moving on and being over their ex because he's absolutely not over his ex.

Whichever it is isn't good

JinglingHellsBells · 15/11/2020 10:37

I think on the one hand it is perhaps acceptable to tell the spouse you are divorcing that you have met someone else IF that new relationship is serious AND you don't want them to find out through anyone else.

However, 4 dates in doesn't meet my criteria and also the fact he seemed pleased to say he was seeing you.

Did she initiate the divorce perhaps and he wants to show her he can still find a woman?

ArabellaScott · 15/11/2020 10:38

I'm channelling Annie Lennox:

Run, run, run, run.

HollowTalk · 15/11/2020 10:41

I imagine it was the way he wrote it that upset her - he clearly wanted to hurt her. I'd run a mile.

VeganCow · 15/11/2020 10:41

He is nuts, and not nice. Drama will be there with this man if you continue.

billy1966 · 15/11/2020 10:41

On the positive he has told you EXACTLY who he is.

Run.

Mummacgeese · 15/11/2020 10:50

It could be you next, seems he is a bit of a shite enjoying pain of others issick

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 15/11/2020 10:52

What an unhinged man and so spiteful. He’s showed you his true colours OP. I think you would be dodging a bullet if you end things now. I’d “ghost” him!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/11/2020 10:53

Spiteful narcissistic fucker. Listen to your (very good) instincts on this one and run.

knittingaddict · 15/11/2020 11:02

I agree that he sounds spiteful, but the biggest deal here seems to be his need to control the op's responses to him. He's made the dates into a relationship and a drama and is making it very awkward for her to dump him. I think he is relying on that and knows exactly what he is doing. Dump him op.

ShadyBansheeThing · 15/11/2020 11:06

God yes - extremely bad sign in several ways.

  • he's happy about upsetting her
  • he's making massive assumptions about being "with" you
  • and also, it's that kind of preening thing that some horrible men do, of showing off to you how other women want him and his ex is devastated to have lost him, so you can see how valuable and in demand he is Hmm

(if that last bit's true that is - if he did write to her she probably read it and went "thank fuck, good riddance twat" and threw it on the fire :o)

My ex did email me when he started a new relationship, to let me know, mainly because it would affect the kids and he wanted me to know before the kids did. He can be a twat but I thought that was reasonable. In itself (if it's actually true and not 4 dates) it isn't necessarily bad, but the rest of it is super dodgy.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/11/2020 11:08

I suspect when you dump him you will be receiving a hurtful message too, so be prepared to ignore that.

corythatwas · 15/11/2020 11:12

Your red flag radar has not let you down, OP.

Thewiseoneincognito · 15/11/2020 11:17

Playing devils advocate here, but what if she was a horrid spiteful cow who had cheated on him? Perhaps he’s been in a psychologically manipulative relationship with a bitch from hell?

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

Trixie18 · 15/11/2020 11:20

Well he's certainly shown you who he is. Thank goodness before you wasted too much time on him, I'd run!

knittingaddict · 15/11/2020 11:26

@Thewiseoneincognito

Playing devils advocate here, but what if she was a horrid spiteful cow who had cheated on him? Perhaps he’s been in a psychologically manipulative relationship with a bitch from hell?

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

No, no, no. He's railroading op into a relationship too. That's at least as big a red flag as being spiteful to the op.

My daughter has been out with loads of men like this. They want to pin you down far too quickly, sometimes within 2 dates, and refuse to let it go when you decide that you don't want to continue dating them. It's a common theme with online dating.

Badwill · 15/11/2020 11:26

Oh what a weirdo?! Silver lining you found out early so won't waste more time on this nasty, bitter fuck.

knittingaddict · 15/11/2020 11:26

Sorry, I meant spiteful to the ex.

eeek88 · 15/11/2020 11:30

Run, for all the reasons outlined above.

The only decision you need to make is whether you tell him why you're running. Normally I would say it's reasonable to tell somebody why a relationship hasn't worked out, if they ask. But when somebody has a tendency of flying such a huge red flag so early on I think it's best to let them carry on, as a warning to future partners.

An ex who I broke up with TEN YEARS AGO messaged me the other day to tell me he'd just broken some girl's heart, after a night of really great sex with her. I've given him a few bollockings over the years because of the way he treats women, both during and after relationships with them (basically he's really hard to dump and this problem has got a lot worse over the last decade - when I dumped him he was just pathetic, but with subsequent girlfriends he's been pretty stalkerish and out of order). I've stopped giving him guidance on how not to behave like a sad little predator because 1) it's futile and 2) he needs to take responsibility for his actions now. Gradually turning into an INCEL, with occasional threats of violence from other men, is all he deserves...

RhubarbTea · 15/11/2020 11:31

Run like the wind! There's so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

D4rwin · 15/11/2020 11:35

He isn't discussing with you where things are and he thinks you'll be pleased or flattered that his wife was hurt. I'd show him the door sharpish!

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2020 11:44

"He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else Hmm"

So, making his ex really, really unhappy is - closure? Weird and spiteful little fucker, isn't he?

And then there's the telling you all about it. What does he expect from that? What does he think you will think of his behaviour and him? Does he think you're going to revel in him having caused this pain? Think how high his regard for you must be for him to have hurt her so? That he 'did it for you'? Because I have to say, if he thinks that then he thinks you're as shit as he is (you're clearly not, you sound totally aghast).

Or, he thinks women in general are so shallow and competitive with each other (in a 1950's sort of way) that you will be pleased to be one-up on HER and preening, basking in the light of his regard .

Massive red flag. This is a man with a skewed idea of women. Run like the wind.

Swipe left for the next trending thread