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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a GIANT red flag?

126 replies

StefInTheLandOfCrazy · 15/11/2020 08:34

Hi all, very long time lurker on both AIBU and the Relationships boards, but I just created an accountant to open this thread. I’d like to hear external opinions to check if I am overreacting or not.

I have been on 4 dates with a man who has been separated from his ex wife for over a year, now in the process of divorcing. No kids. He is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him. We have never discussed our relationship status. For context, I live abroad and here we are not in lockdown.

Yesterday I had dinner with guy (date number 4), and he told me that a few days ago he sent a letter (handwritten) to his ex wife to announce to her that he has now moved on as he is with me. What the hell?!? Confused

He also added that apparently she had a breakdown upon receiving the letter, as a mutual friends of theirs told him. He looked really satisfied about it. I asked him why he was happy his ex had reacted that way, and he said that he is happy to have had that further closure and that he has moved on. He says he sent the letter because he didn’t want her to find out that he is seeing someone from someone else Hmm

AIBU to think this is a gigantic red flag and that 1) he must have a lot of unresolved feelings for her to have done such a thing, 2) he does not come across as a nice man if he is so happy he has caused pain to his ex?

I am considering ending things as a result of what happened. Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Fallsballs · 15/11/2020 12:34

As PP said the letter writing gives me the creeps.
You owe him nothing, you’ve only had a few dates. Text him and block him and leave this drama queen.

ClaireP20 · 15/11/2020 12:43

@flaviaritt

Whatever makes you feel really uncomfortable after 4 dates is a red flag.
Exactly this - please trust your judgement. We are given 'fight or flight' feelings for a reason. They are there to protect us. X
Sexnotgender · 15/11/2020 12:49

I agree with pretty much everyone else, that’s weird and would make me really uncomfortable.

Life is too short to invite drama into your life unnecessarily.

Newmumatlast · 15/11/2020 12:51

I would go no contact and thank my lucky stars he revealed himself so quickly

OwlOne · 15/11/2020 12:52

The things men say by accident! Not the worst date I ever went on but years ago (maybe 7) I was on a date with a man who'd split up from his wife. They'd had twins. Surprise twins, they were 41. He said she ''made'' him get up in the night to help. He felt so sad and resentful about that Confused because he had to go to work the next day and he said he just couldn't forgive her for that. I found it very hard to believe that he HAD ever got up to help if that's how he felt, but he thought that this was a story that would gain some sympathy? I thought wow, well done woman I don't know, you can do better than this lazy shit who left a family but who is now free to lie in and be in his baaaaaand. Geez. He never rang me!! I was devastated!

Joswis · 15/11/2020 12:56

I think writing the letter, saying he was DATING would have been OK, but claiming a relationship after 4 dates, 1st red flag. And being smug about her breakdown, 2nd red flag.

The first, I think you could have overlooked. The 2nd, not.

Whatisthisfuckery · 15/11/2020 12:58

What a twat. I have recently been on the end of my ex contriving reasons to text me in order to tell me about her new ‘relationship’ after we’d been broken up for less than 6 months. It’s not nice, and it tends to suggest to me that I am occupying rather more of her thoughts than she’d like be to believe, I mean who thinks about their ex if they’re besotted with a new lover?

He’s a nasty creep OP. Honestly I think a dumping text is generous on your part but just for the sake of clarity I’d send one if I were you, just so it’s unambiguous. Something tells me this man won’t be easy to get rid of, so a very clear message telling him you’re no longer interested and not to contact you again is probably wise, then block him on absolutely everything.

knittingaddict · 15/11/2020 13:03

@ladygracie

I wonder if he wrote a letter because it’s only way he can contact her as she’s blocked every other method? A text is definitely good enough.
That's exactly what my daughter's ex did. She got a new email address and changed phones and then he started sending handwritten letters to our house. He didn't have her new address.

In my opinion women don't block all forms of contact unless they have to. Respectful men respect.

Squiffany · 15/11/2020 13:09

If you text him, make sure you specify he is not to contact you ever again. Then block him (but keep the text incase he gets stalkerish in the future).

blindinglyobviouslight · 15/11/2020 13:09

Text is fine. Agree with everyone else about him.

Block him. Unless you want to ask for his Ex's address so you can write and tell her that you and him are no longer an item Grin

blindinglyobviouslight · 15/11/2020 13:14

Playing devils advocate here, but what if she was a horrid spiteful cow who had cheated on him? Perhaps he’s been in a psychologically manipulative relationship with a bitch from hell?

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt

Lord, its this sort of thinking that keeps the Relationship Board fully occupied and women in shit relationships.

BuntysTwinkle · 15/11/2020 13:15

He wanted to hurt her, and he used you as the tool. He sounds vindictive.

Heatherjayne1972 · 15/11/2020 13:15

He’s done you a favour. He’s shown you what a nasty spiteful controlling person he is

Dump him and move on. There’s better men out there

Jux · 15/11/2020 13:25

Don't tell him why because he'll use the information to hone his act better for teh next woman. He needs to be left thinking his pleasure over his ex's pain is an OK thing to express, thus warning every woman he meets henceforth knows to dump him out of hand.

Eckhart · 15/11/2020 13:28

Am I overreacting? It made me feel really uncomfortable

The worrying thing here is that you feel really uncomfortable and you think it's a red flag, but you don't trust yourself.

Have faith in your feelings. They guide you. They are who you are. They are what you need to rely on in situations much more subtle than this one, where some people might feel that the other person's behaviour was ok, but you don't.

Allow yourself the individuality of your own preferences, without needing to 'ask the audience'.

So - yes or no, do you think his behaviour was a giant red flag?

LilacPebbles · 15/11/2020 13:29

Yep. I'm going more for the abusive, drama-seeking, vindictive prick school of thought as opposed to not being over his ex. The poor woman probably prays for the day he will stop thinking of excuses to rear his head.
Not only did he write the letter, he told you about it. So he's an abusive, drama-seeking, vindictive prick who was hoping to set a tone of game playing and insecurity in his new relationship with you. Not to mention he had had 3 dates with you at that point. Three! Triple red flag whammy. Dump.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 15/11/2020 13:29

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VettiyaIruken · 15/11/2020 13:35

@blindinglyobviouslight

Playing devils advocate here, but what if she was a horrid spiteful cow who had cheated on him? Perhaps he’s been in a psychologically manipulative relationship with a bitch from hell?

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt

Lord, its this sort of thinking that keeps the Relationship Board fully occupied and women in shit relationships.

Yup.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/11/2020 13:38

@ladygracie

I wonder if he wrote a letter because it’s only way he can contact her as she’s blocked every other method? A text is definitely good enough.
Good point!
YoniAndGuy · 15/11/2020 13:42

Yes the poor woman probably has him blocked on everything.

I would also agree, don't point out what he did - don't make him more careful to play nice with his next victim!

LilacPebbles · 15/11/2020 13:46

Owl wow, some men's lack of self awareness really is a GIFT to those of us they are looking to date.
I've called things off a couple of times I can think of thanks to slip-ups. One man was telling me what a 'lazy cow' his ex was because she 'only' worked part-time whilst being the resident parent of their children, and she dared to ask him to pick them up from school once a week and asked if I as stepmum would take on that role?!

ohbabyxox · 15/11/2020 13:47

OP send him a letter saying you're not interested anymore and have moved on Wink

ChaToilLeam · 15/11/2020 13:53

Controlling, spiteful and presumptuous. What a prince! Dump him by text then block, he sounds nasty.

81Byerley · 15/11/2020 14:05

@StefInTheLandOfCrazy You are wise to take note of this. When I met my husband I was divorced and he was separated from his wife, who had left him for somebody else. He told her that he had a date -our 2nd- and said she seemed upset. She had returned to him and left again several times in the 8 months since she had told him about her 2 year affair.
Anyway, we had met up for the day, and during lunch, she phoned, very upset, and he was kind and gentle, but cut the call short. I asked if she was OK and he said she was very upset, so I urged him to phone her back and offered to move away to give him some privacy. He phoned her back, but told me to stay where I was. I was impressed by his kindness towards her, and he told me later that he had felt the same about my reaction to a woman I didn't know, being in distress. Now, 16 years later, I'm still very happy with this kind, gentle man, and his ex wife and I are good friends.

HowManyToes · 15/11/2020 18:24

Run like your tampon string is on fire 🔥🔥🔥
Do it by text, no need to meet up. Then block him.

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