To leave my perfect MIL to it?

[mamajule]

After a weekend of undermining comments my 6mth daughter failed at her morning nap, probably because my daughter was sick because DH and his mum rammed her with baby porridge when she's just started weaning.

I was then told I didn't have the knack of getting a baby to nap and that "grandma would do it" so now magic grandma is trying but DD is screaming her head off because she wants a little breastfeed before nodding off.

But now because DD is screaming I have been asked to fix it all, but without feeding her to sleep "because that isn't the way".

Honestly feel like saying well if I am so shit at getting her to nap and grandma is so amazing then it would be silly of me to even try. FYI if DD is screaming her head off then grandma can't be that amazing.

AIBU?

Once caught my ex mil trying it force ds to eat cold mashed potato..
She never had him alone until I left exh and dc were 3 at the youngest..
She despised me bf as she couldn't...
Once told me it was unfair my dc had been bf when hers weren't...
She used to try sit and watch until moved to a permanent feeding chair instead of the sofa... She lurked waiting to grab him before I had even winded him!

Why does Grandma have to have her go while you stand by? It's a baby, not a go kart. Very odd.

@HotSince63

I would take your DD, put her in her car seat, and drive home, now.

This...

Breastfeeding is a cure all, that’s the bloody benefit of it!! I struggled so much in the beginning with painful latch, mastitis and then a breast abscess that when I got to the stage of it actually being a positive thing for both myself and my baby I wouldn’t let anyone tell me when and how to feed my child!

Feeding to sleep worked fine with my two as well. They eventually stopped falling asleep from it, they were both under 1 year old at that point. I would then do a story and tuck them in awake. They'd go to sleep after chatting away alone for a bit.

Does dh want to be able to her pit her down for a nap so wants to try without feeding to sleep?

Do you live with mil?
I had a simple rule, do things my way or not at all.

You have a DH problem. Do you feel you can't stand up to MIL because your DH would view this as being difficult with his Mum?

feeding her to sleep "because that isn't the way"

I've got a 15 month old. I can categorically say it IS the way.

I don’t get why you’d let her “have a go” you know what works and it’s your baby, just take the baby back and feed her. I breastfed both my children and always fed to sleep or to comfort, whatever the problem was I fed them, I’m pregnant with my 3rd and will do the same again. When a baby is small it needs its mum, as great as my husband is he was fully accepting of the fact I had the goods and he didn’t. Plenty time for having a go at getting them to sleep when they are a toddler who refuses to go to bed. They can all have a go then.

Honestly, I wish I had cuddled my baby to sleep more often. I wish I had not felt chivvied along to release her dependence on me, so that MIL and others could have their turn. My gut then - and what I feel bolder about articulating now - was that I wasn't hogging her, I was giving her what she needed, as her mummy.

I wish we had all accepted that this stage was totally reasonable and really wouldn't last that long - as it was I felt particularly bullied and belittled by my MIL regarding my refusal to 'share' her. If I had my time again I think I would object more strongly to having my baby physically removed from my arms, or being constantly commented on. But at the time I was super nervous, and didn't want to be seen as obstructive.

Sod that, OP. You are the most important person in your baby's life rn - the day will come when she is baking/drawing/running round the garden with her grandma, and you won't get a look-in. But that time is not now. Don't let anybody make you feel bad for treating your baby like your baby. She is six months old, she really is so tiny still.

I hear the people saying that bf to sleep will be a problem down the line, but just because babies do something now doesn't mean they'll do it forever. There's so much talk about 'setting up bad habits' but what a 6 month old needs is different from what a 1yo needs, is different to what a 5yo needs. Relying on something at this developmental stage does NOT mean it'll persist forever, because babies are not static - they are learning and developing, and in any healthy supportive environment they will eventually move towards their own independence. My EBF daughter breastfed to sleep for a long time, but by about 10 months she was voluntarily coming off the breast, awake, to fall asleep on her terms. Just because something is a certain way now, doesn't mean it will be forever.

I never understand why men are so reluctant to trust their wives/partners to do what's right for their baby, but turn instead to their own mothers. OFten their own mothers have Views which are of their time and may be completely inappropriate for now, or may clash with the baby's mum's views.

Since it is the baby''s mum who IS the mum, her views are the ones that count - if she needs help, she asks for it. If she doesn't ask for it, and is managing just fine, then she doesn't need it. Suggestions made politely are always fine, but don't need to be listened to if they don't work for you.

Grandmothers (on both sides) have had their turn with their own babies. Now they need to back off and let the actual mother do her thing with her baby.

I BF my DC to sleep for 18 months. I had to give up at that stage to undergo my last opportunity of an IVF cycle, which isn't possible with all the BF hormones floating around in your system. Had this not been the case I'd have carried on with night and morning feeds until DC decided when it was time to wean. As far as we were concerned there was no issue with 'setting up bad habits', no issue with 'problems down the line': one day we just simply stopped. DH or I were also happy to stay in DC's room until they fell asleep, right up until the age of 5. Others can see this as a 'bad habit' if they so choose. I don't. For me that's being a parent. Early childhood is so short, I can guarantee there will come a stage when your child won't be bothered, or will tell you to stop it because they're not a baby anymore.

It never even occurred to me to be concerned with others' approval or disapproval. That doesn't matter one iota. Others can (or have had their chance to) practice their own parenting methods on their children: you are your DD's mother.

As for the PP who commented that she would immediately pack her DD into her car seat and take her home, I'll add a +1 to that. Whenever someone crosses the line to this extent, the best response is to withdraw. And keep rinsing and repeating until the message sinks in that her actions have consequences. They push back intensely at first to try to get you back into your old pattern. Don't fall into line, let her do that or you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of the same.

The child I fed to sleep every night of their first year has just gone to university. I would be happy to confirm to your MIL that I am not travelling up there every evening to help them sleep .

@mamajule

Not sure why feeding her to sleep is a problem! It works every time. She sleeps through the night, is a very happy and content baby. There is a reason why it happens and works.

So many people seem quite against feeding to sleep.

It isn’t a problem. Don’t let anyone tell you it is.

It contains sleep hormones for a reason.

I breastfed my daughter to sleep until she was two and it didn’t work anymore. She soon took herself off to sleep when she laid there in the dark long enough (I was next to her). I NEVER sleep trained her. We all learn to sleep on our own eventually!

I did worry that she would never sleep on her own though. This is because of what other people say.

When you become a mum, you really have to do your own thing and not listen to others (unless you’re causing harm of course!).

Fed all 3 of mine to sleep, zero issues. All slept through the night at an early age and they are all great sleepers now a few years later. Do whatever works for you and gets YOU the most sleep too. Gramma can suck it lol.

Sounds like your being undermined by your DH and MIL. I would be feeding my baby packing a bag and leaving. You need to find your inner mamma bear. I couldnt stand back and watch my little one being over fed during weaning and vomiting.

I cuddled and rocked all my children to sleep and really loved that time with them. Only put them to bed awake when toddlers and then had stories and songs with them. Very happy times. Do what works for you and enjoy your baby!

Be the voice of your baby. Feeding her to sleep is the normal thing to do, not a bad habit.
Next time spare mil feelings and take over as soon as your baby is unhappy.

I'm only posting because I'm a bit surprised at how many unsupportive replies you've had OP, criticising you for not standing up to your MIL, not stepping in to take over, bfing your baby to sleep. I guess these people have never felt vulnerable or overwhelmed by being a new mum or found it hard to deal with people undermining them.

In restrospect I wish I'd done a bit more shouting at my MIL, but it's hard to find the words and confidence to stand up for yourself sometimes. As for bfing to sleep, that's your business - if it works for you and your baby then there's no harm in it.

I hope you find a way to stand up to your MIL and your DH and to demand a bit of respect and kindness from them. If not, then I hope you can find support elsewhere - maybe from other mums, baby group, breastfeeding supporters? Look after yourself OP

Nothing wrong with feeding to sleep.

Boobies calm baby and give comfort...why wouldn't you?

Don't let MIL have a say, when she starts just say 'thanks but we are parenting this way. Why don't you make yourself useful and stick the kettle on'.

'Hey MiL & DH, I've just been researching this amazing thing you can do to instantly settle LO. It's effective, organic, tailor made for each baby, adapts to ease sickness and provides protection against many ailments. It's even older than you MiL but Best of all ITS FREE!'
'Oh what is it?!'
'It's breastfeeding, now hand me my baby back and kindly FOTTFSOF'

Feeding to sleep is only wrong because she can't do it

Mine always fed to sleep, they’re fine now. They also learned to self soothe so do what works for you, not your mother in law!

Lady carlota.

Spot on.

Second time round I ignored books and comments and followed my instincts and bf for 3 years..

Most women know how incredibly vulnerable new mums are and to lord it over them, is sinful.