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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my perfect MIL to it?

157 replies

mamajule · 14/11/2020 10:49

After a weekend of undermining comments my 6mth daughter failed at her morning nap, probably because my daughter was sick because DH and his mum rammed her with baby porridge when she's just started weaning.

I was then told I didn't have the knack of getting a baby to nap and that "grandma would do it" so now magic grandma is trying but DD is screaming her head off because she wants a little breastfeed before nodding off.

But now because DD is screaming I have been asked to fix it all, but without feeding her to sleep "because that isn't the way".

Honestly feel like saying well if I am so shit at getting her to nap and grandma is so amazing then it would be silly of me to even try. FYI if DD is screaming her head off then grandma can't be that amazing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2020 11:55

Why are you and DH giving her any say at all? It’s your baby. Don’t let anyone over feed her, don’t let anyone get in the way of breastfeeding her, don’t stand for any shit about any of it. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your child and draw a line now. If she won’t respect you don’t spend time with her until she will.

Hellothere19999 · 14/11/2020 12:04

Lol tell her to fuck off...... well not really obviously. It’s your kid, your choice.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 14/11/2020 12:04

You are the mum here. Just smile sweetly at MIL and say ‘Thanks, I’ll stick to way I prefer, thank you ‘and ignore any jibes or mutterings. Make a point of giving her to her granny for lots of cuddles/baths/playtime and then when it matters swoop in, scoop up the baby and say ‘I’ll take it from here thank you’.

SendHelp30 · 14/11/2020 12:06

I mean, we are in lockdown so it’s easy to not see her assuming you don’t live together?

merryhouse · 14/11/2020 12:06

I nursed both mine to sleep (every single sleep) till 36 and 39 months.

They're now 20 and 17 and have never had a problem with sleep.

Get rid of the baby porridge. I know it seems a brilliant way of getting them to eat something but anecdata alert I used masses of it with my first and not at all with my second, and the first took absolutely ages to eat "normal" food (he wouldn't eat mince if it had so much as a smear of tomato puree in it, for example). You're much better off giving a whole variety of different tastes: at the moment solids is not about nutrition.

merryhouse · 14/11/2020 12:08

Yikes, I can't do simple arithmetic (I'm a mathematician, we only recognise two numbers).

That should say 30 and 33 months Blush

Showers3 · 14/11/2020 12:10

I fed my babies to sleep. I think YABU not to help your baby in order to get one over on MIL. Her well-being is not worth point scoring - you’ve already won!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/11/2020 12:13

@mamajule

Magic boobies are fixing this as we speak. I was obviously outside the door ready, hard to strike a balance between letting grandma do her thing and being ready to fix it.
I, it's not, it's really not!

She's your BABY. She's relies on YOU, for food & comfort, she's not a fucking toy for MIL to have a turn!

Get DD settled then get DH & MIL TOLD!

Don't allow this to happen again.

Also don't give her batshit ideas air time.

Cocomarine · 14/11/2020 12:13

@merryhouse I’m with you on the feeding time sleep. Mind did for years. When I wanted to stop feeding her to sleep, she was old enough for me to just explain why!

But I disagree about there being any link between feeding baby porridge and the good eaten later! I’ll throw my anecdote in with yours - my baby only had finger food, and fed herself, with a huge variety of tastes and textures. Fast forward a few years, and she frustrates the hell out of me with her unwillingness to eat anything but tried and tested items in the exact preferred format 🙄

diddl · 14/11/2020 12:14

" hard to strike a balance between letting grandma do her thing and being ready to fix it."

Grandma doesn't ever have to be allowed to "do her thing" her GC isn't a toy.

Your husband is a complete twat if he does what his mother says/wants to the point of feeding his 6m old so much that she is sickSad

Perhaps you need to go home with the kids to keep them safe!

HyacynthBucket · 14/11/2020 12:14

I cannot understand you OP. How can you be such a wimp as to let your MIL take over with your baby? And even let the baby suffer just to make some passive aggressive point? Either speak directly to MIL telling her to butt out and you will feed your own baby, or limit contact with her in future. Then there is your DH. Why is he pandering to his DM to the detriment of his baby? I feel sory for your DD. Who is standing up for her?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 14/11/2020 12:14

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

There's nothing wrong with feeding a hungry baby to sleep. I breastfed both DC and did it constantly. They're now 15 and 9 and don't give a shit about being held, or rocked, or coddled to sleep, they grew up perfectly able to work out their own sleep rhythm. They also never gave me endless screaming fits because I ignored my own MIL who said to me that "breastfeeding beyond the first few weeks was pointless and unnatural" and that they needed to cry themselves to sleep to be able to sleep through the night.

Opinions are like bumholes and just because you have one doesn't mean you get to waggle it about. Ignore anyone whose first priority isn't the happiness of you and your child. Forever.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 12:18

Goodness me. “Give me my daughter.” And feed her. Done.

chocloc · 14/11/2020 12:20

Tell your mil you can see she doesn't like your way and that's ok but you don't like her way either but the thing is she's my daughter and I'll be doing it my way just like you did things your wsy with your own.

Wanttolearnmore · 14/11/2020 12:20

Do you live there? You need to tell your MIL to F off in a polite but assertive way. She is your child. If she's just started weaning do all the feeding yourself. You need to be in control , nip this in the bud and take your child off her. Get her to sleep however you like, just tell her thanks for your help but you'll do it your own way.

Snaileyes · 14/11/2020 12:20

Fuck that. I’d be leaving with baby telling your dh to stay.

This is purposely undermining your role of the babies mother.

justanotherneighinparadise · 14/11/2020 12:20

I breast fed both of mine to sleep and there was never a problem with weaning. I’ve never understood the controversy.

Coyoacan · 14/11/2020 12:23

Not sure why feeding her to sleep is a problem! It works every time

And I hope it continues to work for you. However in my case, by the time my baby was seven months old she would wake up and cry when I tried to leave her. Getting up ended up being like a tai chi operation and it still didn't work. Fortunately my mother came to visit around that time and helped me to retrain her but it took three nights of rocking and singing her to sleep.

justconcedealready · 14/11/2020 12:23

You have a DH problem as well if he lets his mother overstuff his child, scream herself blue for what she needs to sleep, and then criticise your parenting ... while not having to sort out any of the consequences himself.

I'd be having a right go at him and telling your MIL that her advice was not asked for or appropriate and to keep her opinions to herself.

perfectstorm · 14/11/2020 12:23

@mamajule

Magic boobies are fixing this as we speak. I was obviously outside the door ready, hard to strike a balance between letting grandma do her thing and being ready to fix it.
You don't have to let grandma do her thing. She's not your child's mother - you are.

I think, as the Mumsnet line has it, that you have a DH problem. Why is he siding with his mother, and not his child's mother, over his child's best interests? She's a six month old breastfed baby. It's certainly true that external support can be invaluable when kids get older, but at this age, maternal instinct is a wonderful thing. And feeding to sleep is comforting for the baby and effective for you - why on earth wouldn't you do it?

BananaPop2020 · 14/11/2020 12:29

I never understand posts like this. Stand up for yourself and your baby.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/11/2020 12:30

I’d be mightily hacked off if my mum or MIL tried to undermine me with my own baby unless I was about to do something dangerous. Your MIL has no say and I wouldn’t have even let her try to get the baby to sleep in her way.

TicTacTwo · 14/11/2020 12:31

" hard to strike a balance between letting grandma do her thing and being ready to fix it."

I realise that as a ftm you might lack confidence but you are the most important person to your baby. Grandmas "doing her thing" doesn't mean doing what she likes. They not "do their thing" if they are in sole charge (childcare) otherwise good grannies go along with the flow that the parents create.

Grandmas are great to have around but do you want your baby to listen to these interactions and start to think that granny is better than mummy? Stand up for yourself - you're a grown woman with a baby and you don't need someone else undermining you. Your dd is going to understand what MIL is saying one day - do you want her repeating the same shit to you?

Your h should be sticking up for you. He's left home and is a grown man whose chosen you as his priority in life so he needs to act like this. It sounds like he needs to learn to stand up to his mum too. "stop mum, she's had enough porridge" etc Does he know how much porridge she normally has? If not he needs a crash course in parenting his dd.

There's lots to learn when you become a parent and you know your baby best. Just because your MIL has raised her child(ren) it doesn't mean she knows about raising all children.

You need to plan some replies to her nasty remarks.

"You haven't got the knack"
"I'll keep on going so I get the knack"
"She's my daughter so I know what she needs"
"We'll head off home - the drive will help her fall asleep" etc

BiznessKat · 14/11/2020 12:31

Do what you need to do! I’m feeding my 20 month old to sleep as I read this. She settles fine at nursery but we like our snuggle feed time at the weekends!

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 14/11/2020 12:34

I completley understand how frustrating it is when your MIL makes undermining comments frequently - but you really do need to put a stop to it now. I tried being nice and giving her some leeway with my eldest, because everyone was telling me how she was just so excited to be a grandma Hmm, and it just got a million times worse to the point that she now truly believes that she has more rights over my daughter than I do! When your baby is settled, however you want to settle her - magic boobs are amazing Grin then you need to tell your husband and your MIL that what happened was not ok. Feeding to sleep may not have been the way your MIL did things, but if it works for your family then she has absolutely no right to comment.

My youngest is 18 months old and I feed her to sleep, but if I'm not here Daddy can also get her to sleep just fine. Just to reassure you that it doesn't necessarily mean that your baby won't ever be able to sleep any other way.

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