Friend thinks it's weird I buy my mum a birthday card even tho she passed away years ago...aibu ?

[abbamia]

My mum passed away 15 years ago now.
It was her birthday last week.
I have her photo in my living room next to some fairy lights and a candle.
Every year I buy her a birthday card and write it out and put it next to her photo along with a birthday balloon.
Is this weird ?
My friend said she's never known anyone to do that.
Should I stop?
I didn't think it was odd.

I don't do that myself (my mum's been dead a similar time to you), but it sounds like a lovely ritual that seems meaningful and helpful to you.

That's all that matters. Your mum, your loss, your life. You do what's right for you.

Don't worry about what other people think. It doesn't matter. Honour your mum in whatever way you see fit. Life is too short to worry about what's "normal".

It's entirely up to you. If it makes you happy then it's fine.

Do what works for you. My grandma passed away 5 years ago and every year on her anniversary and birthday we light a candle and talk to her picture. I don’t think it’s odd at all.

If it comforts you, keep on doing it. It’s really none of your friend’s business. No one would think it odd if you bought flowers for her grave - this isn’t that different.

I do find it a little odd but then I find it weird when people say happy birthday to deceased relatives anyway, or on social media.

If it gives you some peace then there is no harm in it

It's not weird, it's lovely. Please don't stop because of your friends opinions

Doesn't matter what the friend thinks
She's your mum
You mark her birthday in your own way

Yes, I think it's weird, but does it really matter what I think?

She was your Mum and it's your grief, so you do whatever gives you comfort.

Just to clarify, I don't do anything like that because it's too painful for me. Not because it's odd or weird or you shouldn't continue. I fully expect I do things that you don't and that you wouldn't find comforting in the way I do.

I think it sounds like a lovely thing to do, you are giving yourself a way of thinking about and remembering her whilst choosing something you think she would have liked. If it helps you and makes you happy then it's wonderful. Maybe more people should take the time to do this. I'd double check how happy your friend makes you, is she always judgmental or was it a passing comment said in a non judgmental way?

I'm imagining there will be some cultures where this is something that would be done or similar. Thinking of the day of the dead where families take food to graveyards and have little parties.

It's not weird at all - your friend is unkind for saying so. We all do things differently - my Mom died 20 years ago I still have my own way of acknowledging her birthday it's nothing to do with anyone else- sending you non MN hugs 🤗

Yeah it helps me a lot.
I think as I was only young when she died and it helped me cope back then.
I know it sounds weird but if I didn't buy her a card I would feel like she wasn't getting what she deserved and I never want her to think I've forgot her (I know it sounds a bit crazy )

I don't know anyone that does that, so yeah, I would say it was odd.

But just because it's not something that most people do, doesn't make it wrong.

If you find it helps you then carry on.

I don’t know anyone that does this, myself included. But, if this is what you want to do, and it helps, then do it. When it comes to grief, nobody has the right to tell you what you are doing is right or wrong 🙂

It's not something that I would do, but who am I to judge what you find comforting? I also think it sounds nice, like you're honouring and remembering her in a way she'd appreciate.

That sounds like a lovely way of remembering your mum. Carry on and let your friend think it's weird. Sounds good to me!

My mum died 10 years ago. While I don't do t his, I think it's nice.

Grief is very personal, you do what you need to do, nobody's business but yours. It isn't overly twee, gushy or extravagant, it's just something you do for yourself.

I think it’s a bit weird but harmless. If you find it comforting, you should carry on. Objectively it’s no stranger then putting flowers on a grave.

Your friend was rude to comment.

No more weird than someone in our family taking flowers on birthday, Mothering Sunday, Easter and Christmas to my Nanas grave for the past 9 years.

My kids and I write birthday cards to my husband who died 12 years ago, then burn them in the fireplace. Do whatever you want.

My Mum died two years ago and her ashes are in the roots of a tree in her garden. I make something to hang on the tree, or to be near it, every year. I also drive to her garden sometimes, with my camping stove, and make breakfast as I watch the sunrise with her. I’ve camped there too. You remember your mum in any way that means something to you.

I think it's a lovely idea too. People leave cards on birthdays/Christmas at cemeteries and crematoriums for loved ones, so it's no different. Don't worry what your friend thinks.