Friend thinks it's weird I buy my mum a birthday card even tho she passed away years ago...aibu ?

[abbamia]

My mum passed away 15 years ago now.
It was her birthday last week.
I have her photo in my living room next to some fairy lights and a candle.
Every year I buy her a birthday card and write it out and put it next to her photo along with a birthday balloon.
Is this weird ?
My friend said she's never known anyone to do that.
Should I stop?
I didn't think it was odd.

You do what you want. My mum is gone more than 30 years yet I still talk to her and give her all the gossip. I'll get her flowers for her 76th birthday tomorrow and might even sing her happy birthday.

People may leave us but our love for them goes on.

Yes it's an unusual thing to do (in the UK) but there are many cultures in the world that put a lot more effort than we do here into honouring and celebrating dead relatives. So in a way the rest of the UK is unusual.

How do you define weird? Is it out of the ordinary? A bit, yes. Does it matter and should you stop? Of course not, do what works for you at a difficult time of year.

Bit unusual but if it helps, fine. As long as you arent asking others to send her a card!

The bouquet of flowers I take to my mum's grave on her Birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas always contains a small card. I don't see it as any different. You do what helps you.

Many people will go to their loved ones grave and lay flowers on their birthday. I don’t think it’s that much different to that. I think your friend should keep her opinions to herself as to how you wish to remember your mum.

If it brings you comfort then I don’t see the problem.

I walk through a cemetery most days and there’s often birthday balloons at graves- I don’t see the difference

Sorry for your loss

I've never heard of anyone doing this for a parent who has passed on, so would say it was unusual, yes. I wouldn't be so rude as to describe it as weird though. Is weird the word she actually used?

My DD1 died more than 20 years ago. Every year on her birthday I take flowers to her grave and buy a card which I write out to her. I don't ever buy a birthday card, just a nice blank one, but the sentiment is the same. I like being able to write her name and a lovely message to her. I think you do whatever it takes to get you through.

It doesn’t matter in the slightest whether other people do it. It’s a remembrance that works for you

@Crunchymum so sorry about your mum.
I'm so pleased I've gave you an idea of a way to celebrate your mum ❤️

Thanks everyone you've made me feel better.
For me it wouldn't feel right if I didn't.
She used to love her birthday and every year she would hound us not to forget that balloon ha ha.
I hope she can watch over us and be happy

I do this too OP.
Some people light candles, some people stand next to graves. I don't feel anything when I do those things. Standing in the cemetery feels empty for me. But it helps when I write things down so I write a card and just put it away after.
I had a work colleague once, shortly after my mum died, say that, since her mum died, the worst time of year was around Mothers' Day as she had no reason to buy a card anymore. I say buy the card anyway. Write a message. It is not weird (in my opinion) and no different to putting flowers on a grave or talking to her in your head. You're just doing it with a pen instead.

No it is lovely.
I don't have belief in the heaven or hell. I know when you die your gone but with such an intense bond the relationship lives on in a different way.
I talk to my mam all the time, I feel her love with me.
Your friend is weird. Why not place a card in celebration of her memory.

It's not odd and it's not weird. I think it's unkind to use the adjectives to describe what you do.

It's something you do that gives you comfort.

It's offensive and upsetting to call it weird or even to pass comment. Very insensitive.

We all have our own little rituals abs who's to say what's weird and what'a not?

I wish people would stop projecting their own opinions on other people unnecessarily. Especially when it could hurt.

Sorry for your loss

No, I don't. It's a small gesture, that brings you comfort. That said - having waitressed at many, many weddings, I am surprised by the number of people who leave an empty chair at the top table 'for Nan'. Always as if they're the first people who have thought of it, and sometimes with a glass of Pernod at the place setting. I'm afraid I think that's as mawkish af.

@RogueV I agree! I remember my Mum phoning me in absolute hysterics, and reading me an "In Memoriam" post from the paper, in which someone had wished their dead relative a happy birthday. Mum and I both agreed that "Remembering Mum on her birthday" was fine. As for your tradition, @abbamia I think whatever you want to do to remember in your own home is up to you. I live too far away to leave flowers at my parents' grave, so on their birthdays I put flowers by their photographs.

@Crunchymum I'm very sorry

Life is very cruel how it takes loved ones.
I lost my DM in April as there was no wake only 10 at her funeral it is hard to believe, weeks after she died i got some news my first thought was to ring mam when it hit me.

Try focus on the happier memories it helps.
My condolences to all suffering loss on the thread.

I think that sounds lovely! Whatever makes you feel better is the thing .Your friend isnt you and she will probably have different ideas on many other things as well!

I think that’s very sweet, and if it gives you some comfort, that is lovely. It’s really not all that different from putting flowers on a grave etc. Don’t stop doing it just because your friend thinks it’s a bit odd. It really is no one else’s business.

Mum in law has been doing this for 40 years and at first I didn’t understand. Then DD died and I totally did. It’s a memorial. I make a flower arrangement in church every year to remember. Another Mother does as well and our dc had birthdays in the same week, her lad has been dead for over 30 years and she is almost 80. It’s whatever helps and I think what your doing is really lovely.

It isn't weird - surely its akin to placing flowers on a grave. Whatever helps you cope is fine.

I think that’s lovely.

No YANBU I think it is a lovely thing to do.