Friend thinks it's weird I buy my mum a birthday card even tho she passed away years ago...aibu ?

[abbamia]

My mum passed away 15 years ago now.
It was her birthday last week.
I have her photo in my living room next to some fairy lights and a candle.
Every year I buy her a birthday card and write it out and put it next to her photo along with a birthday balloon.
Is this weird ?
My friend said she's never known anyone to do that.
Should I stop?
I didn't think it was odd.

@Crunchymum

I don’t think it’s weird at all. You’re grieving her and celebrating her and expressing how you feel. Your friend was quite insensitive to say this to you. I’m glad it brings you comfort in what I can only imagine must be a deeply painful time.

I've bought cards for my DF and left them on his grave.

my mum died 9 years ago. Ive never bought her a card but for several years afterwards I used to go out for her birthday with my family.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to remember your mum or "do" grief, as long as its not hurting others.

My dad has been dead a similar period of time and I don’t. I think it’s odd and if I’d told him when he was alive that I was going to do it I think he’d tell me it was odd...
however that being said, grief is a funny thing and we all cope in different ways. If you find it comforting then carry on.

I think it has significance for you and it’s a comfort so yes do continue
Habits and rituals bring comfort when we are sad it adds order

Do whatever you like. Your 'friend' was rude to comment. As a previous poster said, things like this are very common to do in other cultures.

That sounds lovely. Its no different than visiting the grave on birthdays or holidays. My Dad passed 25 years ago , but I still sometimes write him a letter to say I love & miss him. It helps.

What a lovely way to remember her.

As someone who has lost both parents (my mum when I was fairly young and my dad last year) I do think this is actually a bit odd and not something I would do. BUT who cares what anyone else thinks, if this ritual makes your loss a little easier to bear then carry on and ignore your friend. It's actually quite mean that they made a negative comment to you about this. This is a situation where no remark should have been passed by them.

I do find it a little odd but then I find it weird when people say happy birthday to deceased relatives anyway, or on social media.

I agree.

My Mum never missed one of my birthdays or wedding anniversary in her life. She was big on cards. I kept the last birthday and anniversary cards she gave me and every birthday I put up that last card she gave me. Same for wedding anniversary. I look at her writing and remember her. It's a bit like she is with me on my birthday. I don't think that is weird either. My Mum has been dead for 7 years now. Do whatever you need to do to keep your Mum's memory alive.

It's certainly unusual but I think it's sweet. I always make sure my Dad's picture is standing next to the whisky bottle as it was his favourite tipple .

Say to your ‘friend’ ‘k, so how do you grieve your dead mother?’ ‘Mine is alive!’ ‘Cool, so you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about and are openly humiliating yourself, and devastating me? Leave.’

I think it is odd but so what? Don't let other people spoil the way you grieve for your mum. If it works for you then there really isn't a problem.

You do whatever helps you. It has nothing to do with your friend. It's really no different to taking flowers to a graveside on significant occasions. Please don't stop because of your friend, it's a lovely idea, doesn't cost much, isn't OTT and means a lot to you.

I think it's rather sweet.

I can't believe a 'friend' would be rude enough to actually say something. I would never comment upon the way someone remembered their lost loved ones, no matter what I thought.

I think it’s a lovely gesture. When I was younger I would write letters to my Grandad and bury them at his grave ❤️

I've not heard of anyone doing this but if it helps you it isn't hurting anyone so your friend needs to but out.

Initially I thought it was weird. But now I've considered it, no, it's no weirder than any other way of remembering her. In fact it's probably a very healthy way to deal with a difficult day. So carry on, because it's clearly helpful for you.

But either way it's totally wrong of your friend to say it's weird. How on earth did she think that was a tactful or fair thing to say.

For my DF and DM who have been dead for many years I always buy some flowers on what would have been their birthdays.

I take care to choose something specific to the flowers I know each of them liked. In my head I call them Dad’s/Mum’s flowers and I remember them in my heart.

If I bought a card I would be unable to throw it away whereas the flowers naturally die and I can then dispose of them

Your friend is a knobhead. If it brings you comfort then it’s a good thing.

I have photos of granny and sil on our Welsh dresser in the kitchen and have a little chat with them from time to time.

Granny was a tremendous cook and I inherited all of her recipe books and baking tins. I often ask her for help if I’ve fucked up the pastry

It's not up to your friend how you grieve, it might not be her way but that's not the point. If it is what you want to do then go ahead and do it.

My Nan died almost 4 years ago. I was so close to her and my dd who’s coming up 10 was also so close to her and she remembers her and the things she did. My youngest dd who’s coming up 5 doesn’t remember her. We have photos and she knows who she is. Every Xmas I write her a card and so do the girls and we wrap it and put them on her grave with flowers and we do the same for her birthday. On these occasions we also light a candle for her in the house.

I don’t think it’s strange. When you’re really close to somebody the feeling of never seeing them again is hard and I think doing something like this can make it feel like they’re still apart of your life

Do what you want! There are no rules. I have my mum’s ashes in a box - I dust it and talk to her- I couldn’t care less what people would say 😂