Friend thinks it's weird I buy my mum a birthday card even tho she passed away years ago...aibu ?

[abbamia]

My mum passed away 15 years ago now.
It was her birthday last week.
I have her photo in my living room next to some fairy lights and a candle.
Every year I buy her a birthday card and write it out and put it next to her photo along with a birthday balloon.
Is this weird ?
My friend said she's never known anyone to do that.
Should I stop?
I didn't think it was odd.

Who is she to say it's odd? Don't worry about her it sounds a lovely thing to do and touching way to remember your mum x

OP, if that's what you want to do that's fine. I think it sounds lovely, actually. Today is my late mother's birthday. I didn't think of a card but I've thought about her and wished her well, wherever she is.

I'm thinking she'll be with family most of the day as it's her great-granddaughter's birthday, too. ;)

I too would be questioning the benefit this friend has in your life and also whether she has had a major bereavement. I find people who haven't often have some very decided ideas on how to "behave". Everyone is different regardless of their own experience anyway.

I don't put stuff on dads grave, none of us do and I dare say some people think he's forgotten, he's not. My mum buys flowers, but keeps them at home to look at.

Your ritual is lovely and noone else's business if it gives you comfort. Your friend was very rude to comment, whatever her view. I have relatives who grieve in a way I wouldn't, in terms of social media and graves but make no comment about it and actually have put flowers out or sent sm messages as I know it gives the bereaved comfort. Which is the main reason for doi g it.

My mum died this year. I bought a card, a balloon and flowers and put them next to her photograph so obviously I don't consider it odd at all.
I do the same with dad except he has a place to go to in the Gardens of Remembrance. There are usually cards and balloons and candles there as well as flowers.
Ignore your friend. It is not odd.

It’s not weird at all. We all deal with grief differently and anyway that helps, without negatively impacting on other people, is absolutely fine. It sounds like you have a lovely birthday ritual which means a lot to you and brings you comfort.

When dd2 was born, two months after dd1 died I went straight to the cemetery when we left the hospital.
I wanted Dd1 to be the first person to meet her.
I know several family members thought I was bonkers.
I don't care what others think.

It's not something I'd do, but we all cope in different ways, and if that's your way then nobody should call you out on it.

I think that this is lovely, what a wonderful way to celebrate and remember your mum 💐

This is a beautiful thing to do. I don't think you should have friends like that in your life.

I think it is great that you have found a way to help cope with your grief. If it helps you, it is a good thing. Both of my wonderful parents died years ago but i think of them every day.

I don't buy a card but I buy her favourite flowers on her birthday to have at home, the same for my grandma.

I celebrate her birthday, I do post on social media and if others don't like it I don't care, ignore, scroll by, don't comment. Like all social media we use it in our own way. It means I often have conversations with her friends about how she is missed by them as well.

Being open about how you feel and doing something is much healthier than the stiff upper lip attitude.

I think it is weird that your friend has such strong opinions on how you remember your mum! What a nice tradition, especially in light of your update on her insistence of a balloon.

YANBU to feel connected to your mum in this way or put in place anything you like to commemorate her or her birthday in a way you feel is fitting OP, I'm sure lots do the same.

If it wasn't communicated spitefully and she is a good friend to you I can't see why it's a problem for her to think something is unusual or point out she's not seen it done before, albeit not that tactful. These things are very subjective, people have very varying personal opinions on death and how to commemorate (or not) the deceased. All of these are valid and personal.

Her opinion doesn't need to make you feel you should alter your behaviour and she isn't presumably asking you to. It doesn't mean your opinions are less valid because hers differ. You do what you need to do and grieve and commemorate in ways that help you and don't worry about it, is the best/only way forward

I also think it’s weird that your friend saw fit to pass judgment on you.
My DS2 was stillborn this year and I fully I intend to have cake and a little celebration for him every year. As long as I’m not ready to part with his ashes yet, he will also be coming to my mum and dads house in a little gift bag every year for Christmas as I don’t see why he should be the only one left out. He’s still my baby and I don’t care what anyone else thinks 🤷‍♀️
Mum pours 2 glasses of Sherry for her parents and sits them on the sideboard with a candle so that they can be part of Christmas too. Think DS will just hang out with his great grandparents for the day.
It’s just what we do to make things a little bit more ok than they actually are.
Write the cards. Remember your mum. Forget your friends words.

@Youseethethingis I'm very sorry, my heart just broke for you.Those are lovely things to do for your son. Also the glasses of sherry. Lovely

What annoys me in all this irl and in this thread is the people that think it's weird and say so. Pretty sure there's things they do that everyone else would see weird. Grief is a personal thing. How we all deal with it is our own business.

OP. It is a lovely thing to do and keep on doing it. Some cultures keep little shrines to their relatives who have passed. If you believe in life after death, or that souls can visit our world then it makes perfect sense. Even if you don't believe that it is the case, it is a sweet remembrance for someone you love.

Lot's of people do it but perhaps wouldn't admit it, don't stop. You have to do what you have to do, & this obviously gives you great comfort.

I got some magnetic alphabet from Lidl as I wanted the boxes that they came in. Although I was planning on giving the magnets to the chazza, but they were so bright & lovely, just like mom, so I kept them & I put message on my fridge for her on her birthday. Probably childish, but it really helps me thinking of a nice poem or just a few words for my mom on her special day. I usually have a good old chat with her when I'm cooking, I put the radio on & ask her a question, hoping that the answer will be in the words to the song. If that's weird then so be it, but I can't believe that she's no longer here, & that helps me cope.

Every year for my Gran's birthday we light a candle in the house, have a slice of cake and a cup of tea, sometimes we take a grave card with some flowers, it would not feel ok not marking the day at all. Please keep doing it.

I missed thinking about my father on the 30th anniversary of his death (I was driving all day that day, only to get home and discover house had been broken into, so was a bit distracted, but still) and the next day I cried bitter tears that I had forgotten something so important. Honouring and thinking of your loved ones is never, ever wrong, and however you want to do it is not weird.

Don't think of it as weird or odd because it's not, it's different from what other people do and what's wrong with that.

It's a lovely way to remember your Mum and if it brings you comfort ignore what others say

I find your friend more weird! It’s a lovely personal ritual and if it help you then all is good.

@Imissmoominmama I think that is one of the loveliest ways of remembering someone that I’ve heard.
My dad died 15 years ago and loved poetry- when I see a book he would have liked for his birthday I stIll buy it. It keeps me connected to him.
I don’t think anyone should judge another person’s rituals of grieving. Do what makes you comfortable OP

God I have all sorts of little weird rituals to help me with the loss of my parents:
When I use the mugs I have kept I always say “ hello Mum or “ Dad” in my head. The cup of tea feels as warming as a hug from them.
I make donations to their charities on birthdays , wedding anniversary etc.
I wear Mums ring when I need inner strength on a tricky day
Sometimes I give their photos a kiss goodnight

It’s what I do to deal with my grief and honour their memory.

Not odd in the slightest. If it brings you comfort and feels right, then that is all that matters. You are honouring your mum's memory.