To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

[quote tenlittlecygnets]**@RayOfSunshine2013* - In what way are unmarried mothers vulnerable?*

Er, because if OP's partner dies or leaves her, she won't be owed anything legally... she could lose her home if her partner owns it, he's not obligated to support her, she won't inherit his estate. She is financially vulnerable.[/quote]

I think I must have missed the part where it was mentioned that she was financially reliant on her husband.. My mistake!

However as an unmarried mother I find it very bizzare that someone would see themselves as vulnerable for not being married.. surely becoming reliant on a man financially is a choice
What about if us vulnerable unmarried mothers were stupid enough to get married and the man took a share of our inheritance and house? I’d see myself as more vulnerable married to be honest..

Anyway.. in relation the the actual post.. call him what you like, I wouldn’t personally call him husband unless married but I also wouldn’t correct someone if in context that didn’t really matter.

I love how in french they sometimes call their boyfriend or husband "mon homme", and in reverse "ma femme" (more depth than BF/GF, not legal like mon mari and ma femme).

It's quite poetic, shame in english "my man" and "my woman" sound a bit country and western

Best intro EVER....and yes I will argue this until I die..... was from my friend about 10 years ago.

"Hi Pyong, this is Dave, the bloke I'm riding. Dave, this is Pyong, she's a goer but not as good as me"

It was just so her that I didnt turn a hair, just laughed, but the look on his face was absolutely wonderful. Sort of proud and embarrassed at the same time. They are still together now and he says similar things now as he soon caught on that it was actually a (admittedly odd if you dont know them) term of endearment. If she had introduced him as her BF, I would have known that it wasnt going to last! Also, if she doesnt say something wildly inappropriate to me when we meet, I know I have upset her (she starts all emails with "Oi. SLAG!!") and this has totally outed me if she is on here!

There is limited scope in Scotland to apply to court to request you're granted some of the deceased cohabitants estate. It’s not an actual right or automatic

Position in Scotland
Under Scots law a surviving spouse, civil partner and children are entitled to certain legal rights when a person dies with or without a will. These rights are known as Legal Rights. Legal rights do not extend to unmarried partners or cohabitants. However, where a cohabitant dies without a will, the surviving cohabitant is able to make an application to the court for a share of the deceased partner's estate

I’d just say partner tbh. I think past a certain age it’s strange saying boyfriend but partner was always my preferred choice before I was married.

However......answering the OP.

I never argue when someone calls me Mrs Kipperbang at school. I am Ms MaidenName but as my kids have that surname and they know I am/was married to their father I think they just do it out of habit so I dont say anything. Same as him being referred to as "your husband" is not worth bothering with.

But I wouldnt intro him as your husband, and I agree that it really isnt just a piece of paper. I am now a single mother and was unmarried when I had my first child so no judging here. The protection it offers cannot be bettered even with wills etc.

You're right, you do over think!

I think, centuries ago, couples used to jump over a brush in front of witnesses and this little ceremony meant they could begin to live together and not bother getting married until a baby was on the way.

It was sort of a half way house and it's where the phrase, living over the brush comes from.

Maybe you could call him your brushman.

my bloke, father of my child,
It is odd to call him your husband when he is not.

I used to loathe my husband being referred to as 'partner' in some quasi-official places, being the only option.

@Nameandgamechange123

I'm shocked by the comments here. Nobody is going to question whether this lady has got her legal documents sorted. The rest of it really is a piece of paper to some people. If you are in a loving and faithful relationship I would see no problem at all in letting people assume the man is your husband or even to call him that. I see it is no big deal at all.

Marriage has important legal consequences

Marriage may or may not be the way forward, but it's important that all parties know their options and the implications

@LadyFelsham

Its called handfasting and was actually a legal thing.

I recommend a book called "The English Marriage" by.....cant remember I will check. Its absolutely fascinating. At some points you were considered married in the eyes of God (which was all that mattered dont forget) as long as you said the words to each other, wherever and with no witnesses.

I know someone who refers to her on again off again fiance as her husband. Its weird and incorrect. And living as man and wife? Thats just living together. Call him husband once you are married.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004GKMUIA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The English Marriage by Maureen Waller

Also.....

www.amazon.co.uk/Wedlock-Georgian-Britains-Worst-Husband-ebook/dp/B002UP1SWW/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&s=digital-text&keywords=worst+georgian+husband&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1605305475&sr=1-1

Wedlock: How the worst Georgian husband met his match, also fascinating and brilliant.

@PyongyangKipperbang

That sounds an interesting book and one I might try and root out.

So much for defensiveness about marriage from the married... The chippy posts from several people who’ve pretended to be married while “not getting round to it” show that the terms husband and wife do actually mean something to the world at large, or they’d be happy using one of the large variety of other terms for serious long term partner which are more accurate. If you’re pretending you have a husband you must think it sounds better therefore means something.

And don’t get me started on “wifey”. Barf.

If you think about it though @WingingItMumma you want to call him your husband because you want him to be your husband but he’s just not. You can pretend he is to random tradespeople if you want but it just comes across a bit desperate like you think you should be married so you’re going to pretend you are. Plenty of people have kids and live with their partner it doesn’t mean they’re ever going to get married.

It’s just weird and odd that you want to pretend to random people who don’t know otherwise and have no reason to disbelieve you that you’re married.

@Shaniac

I know someone who refers to her on again off again fiance as her husband. Its weird and incorrect. And living as man and wife? Thats just living together. Call him husband once you are married.

On again/Off again?

Sounds like he is the one who is not keen on marriage (agrees to engagement every time she threatens to leave him by any chance?) and she is trying to will it to happen by calling him her husband. Bigger problems that names in that one I think.

And living as man and wife? Thats just living together.

Exactly. I’m interested how living as man and wife is different.

"I love how in french they sometimes call their boyfriend or husband "mon homme", and in reverse "ma femme" (more depth than BF/GF, not legal like mon mari and ma femme)."

You do realise that in French there is no separate word for wife, right? It's just "la femme" for both woman and wife. It's the same for girl and daughter ("fille"). OTOH, males get two different words: homme, mari, garçon, fils. (This says a lot about the sexism inherent in French language and culture, but that's probably a separate discussion!)

I don’t think choccylips believes any of us. He or she will need to google it to believe there really is no such concept in law as a common law marriage, it’s a myth.

I'll save her the effort of googling.
www.birchallblackburn.co.uk/what-are-the-legal-rights-of-a-common-law-husband-and-wife/

From the first paragraph and the next line:

So you’re not married, but you’ve lived together for years. You want to know where you stand. So where exactly do you stand? Is there such a thing as a common law wife or common law husband?

The short answer is no, there’s not.

@WingingItMumma

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

If he were your husband, you would have all the legal and financial protections the law offers married couples. If you are not married, no matter how long you have been together, you are not entitled to those same protections and should you ever be in the sad position that you no longer consider yourselves a couple, you will never receive, in law, the same protections that marriage (ie a piece of paper) will afford you.

TL:DR If you don't have that 'piece of paper' you and your kids are vulnerable.

@AnotherEmma

I had a proper strop when I found that out! A friend is fluent and I am ok on holiday level, and I was asking about it. I asked what the opposite of Mon Mari is and was arguing "no, not woman, what is Wife in French?!" and then when I realised my feminist hackles where well up!

Unfortunately it’s a mn perennial women who want to marry men who won’t marry them
Quite simply If a man wanted to marry he’d just do it. All that Stuff about ohh wait until right time, saving up,oh later babes, it’s just a piece of paper⬅️ Excuses and deflection

Actually in French there is the word for spouse: "mon époux (m) / épouse (f)" so you could differentiate between woman and spouse if you wanted, but most people use "femme" to mean "wife" most of the time.

I don’t think choccylips believes any of us. He or she will need to google it to believe there really is no such concept in law as a common law marriage, it’s a myth.

I'll save her the effort of googling. www.birchallblackburn.co.uk/what-are-the-legal-rights-of-a-common-law-husband-and-wife/

The end of the first paragraph and the start of the second:

Is there such a thing as a common law wife or common law husband?

The short answer is no, there’s not.