To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

I was supposed to be married in March and have been calling my OH husband since the day of the cancelled wedding. We will be married at some point if ever things go back to normal so whats the harm

We're now together 25 years by the way!

That's good @AllFanjoAndNoSnickers but a quick glance down the thread here shows most people didn't do the same.

Lots of "OP could lose her house if her partner dies" etc. Frankly to think getting marriage is more important than ensuring you & partner are both legal owners of house / assets is very bizarre to me.

By all means protect yourself. And your family. But the dialogue in this thread is so condescending and pays no mind to the fact that women can be the higher earners and women can (AND SHOULD) legally protect themselves well beyond marriage.

I do find it amusing on these threads, the assumption that all women are economically disadvantaged and potentially on the verge of destitution lest they marry. That's certainly not always the case (certainly not in my case, when I stand to be significantly worse off as a married woman should I separate from my partner who earns a fraction of what I do.) It's like the bloody dark ages in here sometimes.

And economics aside, have a bit of sympathy for the OP. It sounds like she would be happy enough with 15 mins in the register office, but her 'husband' has every right to want to wait until next year when his closest family can travel and be there.
OP, if you are concerned about your legal rights then it's not unreasonable to ask him if you can at least get a quickie civil p'ship, and you can keep planning your 'proper' day for next year.
OP, I think some people will think you're a bit daft tbh if you call him your husband, and others won't care or will find it sweet. It all comes down to how much importance you place on the opinions of the first lot (which may include people you love.) Hope you get your wedding soon!

lionobserving

Very well said. 👏

TYPO- unless, not lest, but you catch my drift I'm sure.

@TheStripes great. And see the many comments before that assuming OP was a damsel in distress, putting herself and her child in danger by not yet being married.

As I said, there are many many ways of legally protecting yourself and each of us really should do more than simply rely on marriage for that. I suggest you read a couple of MN threads where women (post-divorce) have been fucked over big time if you still don't agree.

Why do you need permission from strangers?

I would be a bit at someone calling their fiancé/partner/boyfriend their husband when they aren't married. Just call him your partner and talk to him about how important it is to be married and would he consider having his brothers watch in zoom so you can marry.

But he's not your husband so why would you refer to him as such? Am I missing something?

Well he's not your husband so no i wouldn't call him husband. We've been engaged for 5 years but don't call each other husband and wife.

and when you are as vulnerable as any other woman who has a child with a man she isn't married to.

This statement has pissed me off though. FYI if me and my dp split, I will be much better off not being married to him that being married to him. One of the reasons I haven't married him yet. This assumption that woman are always the "vulnerable" partner if they haven't legally tied themselves to a man annoys me.

Going against the grain
I’ve been with my DP ( whom I refer to as husband) for 24 years . We are in our 40’s have 3 children , 2 which are adults , have a grandchild and a mortgage together
We just never married
He had put me on his life insurance and his pension , I’m worth fuck all
I call him a husband if I’m randomly talking to someone about him but I’m sure he calls me his partner

Call him your husband He is after all your common law husband. There might be a lot of people that object on here but why should you care. But as long as you know your rights legally then that's all that matters.

@Choccylips

Call him your husband He is after all your common law husband. There might be a lot of people that object on here but why should you care. But as long as you know your rights legally then that's all that matters.

😂😂😂😂

In general social parlance and engaging in small talk it doesn’t matter.crack on
However, as you know there is a legal difference between a husband and partner. You both need to avail yourself of that information eg regard finances, wills, property inheritance taxwork pensions and decide if it is relevant & matters to you both
Is your home rental?are you both on lease?
If it’s mortgage are you both named on title documents?
Finances - joint or solo account?

There is no such thing as a common law husband it’s an oft said and much misrepresented notion. Many an unmarried woman has found herself financially compromised and homeless after a break up if the accommodation is in his name

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper, it confers statutory rights that one simply doesn’t have as an unmarried woman eg no inheritance tax.

Spouses and civil partners can pass assets to each other free of inheritance tax There is so such provisions for unmarried couples . Inheritance tax Martin Lewis summary

Currently,You bring unmarried would be subject to inheritance tax Over £325,000. Which in Ldn and southeast isn’t a huge big property.

Finally if you want to be involved in making treatment/medical decisions write to your respective GP stating you want to be each other nok

You could of course become civil partners

As an aside I have no vested interest in marriage I’m simply flagging up stuff worth knowing

The cleaner in an ex job married 45 years always said "my fella is this or that" like a teenager.
I use my partner if people assume I'm gay so what.

Bloody hell OP, I bet you're glad you started this thread!
I don't correct people who assume, but I wouldn't say my DP is my husband because, like a pp said, it gets awkward if someone asks about your wedding day!
Ignore the people who completely ignored the question, and ignore the people who incorrectly think that all unmarried mothers are vulnerable. Yawn!

It really isn't amusing.
These boards are chock full of desperate stories of women who give up their careers to work part time, look after children, then their partner ups and leaves. They discover they have no rights, no home, no income, no career, no help with child care. Because they didn't consider how to legally secure their future and that of their children.
Nobody is saying marriage is necessary, but, if you don't want to get married, sort out your legal rights some other way. Don't give up your job. Make sure you have a pension. Make sure your name is on your tenancy/lease/property. Make a will and make sure your partner does too.

I need to really emphasise, legally, there’s no such thing as common law husband
It has absolutely no status, nadda

DP and I are not married but have been together decades. I never refer to him as my husband, but I find people who aren't family or friends eg doctors, nurses, receptionists always do use the term husband even though they have been told we aren't married. Sometimes I correct them but whether I do or not they just keep saying it, so I don't bother any more. I wouldn't say it myself though. I just say partner and that seems fine.

@Feedingthebirds1

Same here, we've been together twenty five years, two Dc, just haven't got round to it. We've never really wanted the fuss or expense but regularly dream about going to Venice or Dublin or somewhere romantic, just the two of us. No other word but husband and wife describes our life together. What other people think isn't really an issue.

@Candyfloss99

I'd call him "my lover". "my lover doesn't like this paint" sounds so much better than husband.

🤣 I have a friend who actually did introduce the men she dated to us as "my lover", it always made us laugh/cringe

@Choccylips perhaps it differ in different regions, I always forget that a lot of international people use this site. In England, there is definitely no such thing as a common law marriage. See below website and also separately a photo from a lawyer’s site. Sorry to bang on about it, but so many women have been harmed by this myth thinking they have protections that they do not. I’m posting this here for future readers more than aiming at you.

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/relationship-advice/common-law-marriage/

[quote Choccylips]@Skysblue There is such a thing as a Common law husband. I never ever said it gives you legal rights can you tell me when I said that. If the Op wishes to call him her husband she can but she does not have to explain herself to anyone..[/quote]
No, there still isn't. Of course OP can call her partner whatever she wants, there is no need to bring in a totally mythical common law status.

@SentientAndCognisant

I need to really emphasise, legally, there’s no such thing as common law husband It has absolutely no status, nadda

I don’t think choccylips believes any of us. He or she will need to google it to believe there really is no such concept in law as a common law marriage, it’s a myth.

Call your DP whatever you like, but be aware of your true status and what that means for you