To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

But you're not married, therefore hes not your husband?

"You do realise that in French there is no separate word for wife, right? It's just "la femme" for both woman and wife. It's the same for girl and daughter ("fille"). "

Not quite true. There is also 'épouse'. If someone says that, they're definitely married. If they say femme or even mari, which is the word for husband, it might just mean that they live together as husband and wife.

The "common law" marriage myth left a hell of a lot of women up shit creek, especially in the late 70's and 80's when living together became more socially acceptable. These women genuinely believed the myth, right up until the day he fucked off with the house, the money and the other woman and she got fuck all.

@Choccylips Its blowing my mind that anyone still thinks that its a thing. Have you had your head in a bucket for the last 40 years?! Why do you think gay couples wanted the legal protection for their relationships that straight couples have enjoyed for centuries?! Because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COMMON LAW ANYTHING!!!!!

@Whammyyammy

But you're not married, therefore hes not your husband?

But loads of people on here say mil or fil while they're not married. It's the same thing.

Anyway back to the topic (sorry OP). I disagree with everyone saying that your fiancé has been making excuses not to marry you. That's an unfair assumption. Covid has made for exceptional circumstances this year. Many people have postponed their weddings in the hope that their loved ones will be able to attend. Some people have gone ahead and got married anyway, scaling down, but some people decided to wait and that's their prerogative. I do feel for people faced with the choice between compromising on the wedding they wanted or delaying it (or both).

I don't get why so many people see marriage as the Gold Standard. Trust me, it is isn't. I regret marrying the father of my children every single day of my life.

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start. You were quick, well done.

Believe me, the poster doesn’t care about that-who does these days? It”s so normal it’s the same as being in a traditional two parent relationship. It’s all about having the protection via a legal document, as a pp says.

@Nicknamegoeshere marriage isn’t a measure of character or moral turpitude. It does however convey certain legal rights esp regard finances

Calling it a "piece of paper" is a trick used by men who have managed to trick women into living with them and reproducing with no actual legal commitment. It's bullshit.

It's a bloody important piece of paper and for £300 gives you legal rights that would cost a fortune to negotiate through a solicitor. Get the piece of paper.

And as for the term Mrs - why on earth I changed my title to this awful one I shall never know (I blame immaturity!)

@SentientAndCognisant It didn't for me.

@Nicknamegoeshere

I don't get why so many people see marriage as the Gold Standard. Trust me, it is isn't. I regret marrying the father of my children every single day of my life.

So do I.

But.....for £100 odd it offers the best protection in terms of financial equality and security a woman with kids can get. Without it she could potentially be left homeless, penniless, right-less (sorry). With it, the courts should and (usually) do put some sort of parity in place, he cant just fuck off.

Until there is true equality between the sexes (which imo wont happen until men grow and birth babies, biology is a cunt like that) we need all the protection we can get.

I totally get what you mean but you need to think of something else to call him. My other half?

Save husband for when he is your husband.

You can call him whatever you like but it won't make it true, he's not your husband.

It's not about judging unmarried mothers. Or thinking women are vulnerable and unable to take care of themselves. I definitely don't think that.

It's just, if the worst happens, and it can, then being married is some form of protection.
Even if you have a good job and have the potential to be completely self sufficient you may be so poleaxed with grief that you can't function as the normal capable person you usually are. The last thing you need is to be fighting to stay in the family home, or watch your partner's money being handed to a distant relative.
If you're not married you're not the next of kin.
Being married doesn't make losing your husband easier. But being unmarried makes everything 100 times harder.

Calling it a "piece of paper" is a trick used by men who have managed to trick women into living with them and reproducing with no actual legal commitment.It's bullshit

⬆️hallefuckinlujah to that sentiment

I'm married and didn't change my title to Mrs, I changed it to Ms (and actually regret not using Ms well before I got married, but I didn't really think about it much until then).

I have a baby daughter and put her title as Ms when I registered her, someone actually queried it and asked if it should be Miss, I said no, Ms please.

If boys are "Mr" from birth I don't see why girls should first be "Miss" and then "Mrs", they should be "Ms" from birth and not have to change it. As with surnames, no one should have to change.

@Nicknamegoeshere

And as for the term Mrs - why on earth I changed my title to this awful one I shall never know (I blame immaturity!)

Again, same here.

I am Ms MaidenName now, and I am so proud of it!

I was left homeless and penniless when I walked out on my ex-husband. It's not always the case it protects you financially. What if you are the one that has more money than your spouse?

@PyongyangKipperbang Me also. And shall be for life 😊

Genuine question - why is marriage such a big "thing" in the UK? I'm in NZ and lots of people here never get married, once they've lived together for a certain number of years it makes no difference.

Lots of posts while I was typing mine! I was responding to Nicknamegoeshere.

Just one more thing which I'm not sure anyone else has said.

Marriage is not romantic, it's a practical legal arrangement protecting the interests of both spouses, but it's especially beneficial to the lower earner, regardless of whether that person is male or female. I'm delighted to hear that so many women are the higher earners in their relationships. Long may that continue, and here's to a steady growth in your numbers.

Sadly, though:

(a) You are in a minority. Most women who have children earn less than their male partner.

(b) Some high earners become ill and are unable to work. This can happen to anybody at any time. As with making a will, when considering whether to marry or not, you have to think through every possible eventuality.

Marriage isn't right for everybody, but it should be an informed, considered choice whether to get married or not. So often it isn't.
I know several women who have suffered because they didn't realise the implications of not being married.
One whose partner was seriously ill in hospital and sadly died. She wasn't his next of kin, had no say in funeral arrangements, lost her home, had no claim on his pension. She struggled.
Another who was left homeless with two small children. Her ex partner even took her car because he had persuaded her to log him as the owner. He had persuaded her to give up her job to be a SAHM.
Of course it works both ways, but neither of those women had the faintest idea that they had no legal rights.