To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

You can keep typing it but there still won't be any such thing.

@OhTheRoses which is more than fair for you. But lots of people have non-religious marriages and lots don’t have that experience.

and partner implies same-sex

🤣 What? Sounds like something my grandad would say but he’s nearly 90.

I think you're overthinking it. I am now married but before I was (we had a baby before getting married), I did this. I didn't correct tradesman and would occasionally refer to my partner as my husband when speaking to strangers (ie idle chat at the post office or in a shop). It is often just easier. I never referred to him as my husband around friends. That would be weird.

There is no such thing as "common law" husband or wife.

@OwlBeThere then they will never know will they. And for that theor lives will be poorer.

Nope, the law hasn't changed since you last said that

😂😂😂

Not a big deal at all. Not sure why people are getting so defensive!

I worked with someone who referred to her husband a lot. Someone else in the office told me one day when she wasn't in "she isn't actually married you know". Turns out she was engaged and the wedding was set, but he got cold feet. Was all called off but they didn't break up. That was 20 years ago and they'd had 2 teen children. I think she was just embarrassed, she clearly wanted to marry but he didn't. People we worked with found it very odd though, they were a bit mean about it really.

Hopefully you won't still be pretending you are married in 20 years time!

it is often just easier. I never referred to him as my husband around friends. That would be weird

I guess weird because they know you were lying?

@user1294729492759

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

You can keep typing it but there still won't be any such thing.

I'll second that, @user1294729492759

I can only think it was complete ignorance the first time round, and an accidental re-post of codswallop the second time round.

Christ surely we've aged out of the damsel in distress "protect yourself and your child" nonsense?!

Maybe OP's other half is the legally vulnerable one? Maybe OP is the high earner? Maybe they've already got wills in place (though in any event, even if not OP's child would be the beneficiary in the absence of marriage so it hardly matters).

For some, marriage really is a piece of paper. There are many ways of protecting your legal position without it. (And, can I just add, there are very many couples divorcing where the woman is hung out to dry. You've just got to have a cursory glance at MN to see that).

So patronising.

You seem very worried about what the window cleaner thinks. And not at all worried about legal and financial matters.

I trust that you only took a few weeks maternity leave, have gone back to work full time and share all Childcare and household duties? And that you both own the house you live in / have name on tenancy agreement ?

He's your partner, not husband.

I've been with my partner 14 years and engaged for 3. Pregnant with #3. Wouldn't call him my husband until he is.

What’s wrong with fiancé?

And that you have wills in each other’s favour, POA etc ?

I called my dh hubby or his and for ages before we were married.

For all the reasons you mention

Having thought about it, I’m struggling to think of a time when I call my DH anything other than his first name when talking to people. I’m sure many strangers or acquaintances don’t realise we are married as I rarely wear any rings (due to arthritis), although he often wears his, and I didn’t change my name. You seem to have a lot of importance in being able to use the word husband and I think you’ll be far happier using it when you actually are married.

@lionobserving

Christ surely we've aged out of the damsel in distress "protect yourself and your child" nonsense?!

Maybe OP's other half is the legally vulnerable one? Maybe OP is the high earner? Maybe they've already got wills in place (though in any event, even if not OP's child would be the beneficiary in the absence of marriage so it hardly matters).

For some, marriage really is a piece of paper. There are many ways of protecting your legal position without it. (And, can I just add, there are very many couples divorcing where the woman is hung out to dry. You've just got to have a cursory glance at MN to see that).

So patronising.

I very carefully didn't say that the woman should protect herself. I said that marriage gives legal clarity. This is invaluable in the event of a split later.

@lionobserving

Christ surely we've aged out of the damsel in distress "protect yourself and your child" nonsense?!

Maybe OP's other half is the legally vulnerable one? Maybe OP is the high earner? Maybe they've already got wills in place (though in any event, even if not OP's child would be the beneficiary in the absence of marriage so it hardly matters).

For some, marriage really is a piece of paper. There are many ways of protecting your legal position without it. (And, can I just add, there are very many couples divorcing where the woman is hung out to dry. You've just got to have a cursory glance at MN to see that).

So patronising.

If you read above, the OP gives her financial situation so it’s not an assumption.

I'm with you OP, I never correct people either, boyfriend sounds ridiculous and fiance is a bit of a mouthful. We are getting married but it has to wait (I've been battling cancer). I don't see why you wouldn't wait till you can have his brothers there with him.

I don't actually call him my husband but I am often tempted.

I'm shocked by the comments here. Nobody is going to question whether this lady has got her legal documents sorted. The rest of it really is a piece of paper to some people. If you are in a loving and faithful relationship I would see no problem at all in letting people assume the man is your husband or even to call him that. I see it is no big deal at all.

@Choccylips

He is your Common Law husband so yes you can call him that.

FFS, there is no such thing in England as a common law husband or wife. The OP and her boyfriend are legally single. Trying to blur the lines leads to women being screwed over when they’ve had children.

@WingingItMumma, I think I understand how you feel. A very long time ago, when I met my now DH, he had been married previously and was legally separated. At the time divorce was not allowed in our country, so for very valid reasons (age, the fact that legislation was coming down the tracks, we were totally committed) I had two of our three children before he could legally divorce.
DH could never understand why I got upset when he continually corrected tradespeople etc: "I was just telling your wife" "Oh, sorry, we're not married". It just mortified everyone.
It really really mattered to me to be married, and we like you looked like a typical married couple. So no problem letting people assume you are, but make sure you tie the knot!

@Skysblue There is such a thing as a Common law husband. I never ever said it gives you legal rights can you tell me when I said that. If the Op wishes to call him her husband she can but she does not have to explain herself to anyone..