To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

I've read a few comments now stating that marriage somehow gives fathers more rights to contact with children after divorce... but I don't think that's correct. It's true that a married father has automatic parental responsibility. He can even register the birth without the mother. For unmarried couples, the mother has to register the birth and the father has to attend with her in order to be added to the birth certificate and get parental responsibility. However, even if he wasn't on the birth certificate, he could still apply to the court for parental responsibility, and it's rare that it wouldn't be granted. Whether a couple is married or not, they have to negotiate contact arrangements after separation, and if they couldn't agree and it went to court, I don't see how it would make a difference whether they'd been married or not. It's supposed to be about what's in the best interests of the child, and it's generally assumed that in most cases children should have contact with both parents.

@Bluntness100 is absolutely spot on.majority of women work.ONS etc will attest
Only on mn is it contentious or noteworthy that majority women work
Yes they abandon their kids,exhale an icy breath and go to work. With why have kids if you’re going to ,wave them With someone else ringing in their ears

You could have why wave them with anyone else ringing in your ears
It’s more likely to be why have kids and leave them with someone else

I call my husband my partner because I prefer it to husband... to my ears partner implies a partnership, teamwork, where both have responsibilities. Husband doesn't really say anything about the relationship apart from that you are married.

There's no moral judgement from me here but I will say that it's not just a piece of paper and not just a legal perspective.
It does change things. I'll be honest, had I not been married, I'd have walked away by now.
There is an internal pressure to stick it out if married. There just is.

Don't know how much more I can stick out, but I'd be gone by now if not married for sure.

Sort of debunks the marriage doesn't matter thing I once had.

And I'm not even religious!

Been with my ‘partner/boyfriend/whatever’ for 25 years. Have teen, dog, mortgage, joint account etc. we never did get married - no particular reason. Both Christians and church goers.
Don’t really think about it TBH, but in passing conversations I certainly call him my husband. Don’t really give a shit what tradesmen, cleaner, acquaintances, school parents think or don’t think, but we’re late 40s, so he’s hardly a boy. Partner gives ambiguity to whether he’s a man or a woman - and whilst I don’t care what people think of me etc, some may feel uncomfortable about how to address it & convos to awkward with ‘they’/‘her’/‘partner’ unnecessairly (as in no one wants to tread on any toes. If I were gay, then I’d state so more clearly. But partner gives an ambiguity so I take that ambiguity away. ‘Xx’s dad’ sounds like we are not together, which we are. So ‘husband’ - done dusted & no one really cares, do they?

I genuinely don’t think in low level social interactions it matters
In legal terms of course it matters

He’s not your husband so no, that would be incorrect.

i don't want to be married. I have been using the title Mrs for years, as its the correct title for an adult woman, and its much more subversive for an unmarried woman to use 'Mrs' rather than 'Ms'.
I often refer to DP as my husband in social situations where its the quickest way to convey the social nature of our relationship (we consider ourselves partners for life, we have been living together for years, and have children). Its really doesn't affect anyone else that we're not legally married, so its not their business.
And while I can see that some women are taking an economic risk by having children with a man outside marriage, I earn enough that its not an issue for me.
So Yanbu.

Call him what you like it wouldn't bother me. Nor would I think it's odd.

Your engaged anyway.

My husband bought me an eternity ring before we were married.

Life's too short. Call him whatever you both are happy with.

Just say partner rather than fiancé or husband. Problem solved.

its much more subversive for an unmarried woman to use 'Mrs' rather than 'Ms'
There’s nothing subversive about pretending to be married, assuming the nomenclature of a moribund institution is not subversive.Its passive and seeking the social approval that Ms is not always afforded

I think used socially it could lead to awkward conversations if the topic of anniversaries, honeymoons or wedding planning came up. As people who hear you say husband will, naturally enough, assume you had a wedding.

@terfinginthevoid

i don't want to be married. I have been using the title Mrs for years, as its the correct title for an adult woman, and its much more subversive for an unmarried woman to use 'Mrs' rather than 'Ms'. I often refer to DP as my husband in social situations where its the quickest way to convey the social nature of our relationship (we consider ourselves partners for life, we have been living together for years, and have children). Its really doesn't affect anyone else that we're not legally married, so its not their business. And while I can see that some women are taking an economic risk by having children with a man outside marriage, I earn enough that its not an issue for me. So Yanbu.

Mrs implies your married. Ms is ‘who knows me. Does it matter? Not one iota to anyone else socially but I do wonder why people lie to save face. Who cares if a couple aren’t married?! No point saying you are as what if they say ‘Ohh where did you get married? We’re getting married next year....’ that would be embarrassing!

‘Who knows’ I mean

The fact that you would prefer to use the word husband rather than partner or boyfriend means that you know that that socially, legally and practically there is more weight attached to your relationship if you were married.

Once you've had a kid with someone I think you've missed the boat for holding out for the perfect white wedding. Just get married in secret so you have the protection and wear the white dress later if you still want all that.

But what if you have money and a career and it's not wise to marry?

@Fressia123

But what if you have money and a career and it's not wise to marry?

Just use ‘partner my and don’t set yourself up for a possible awkward exchange if someone says ‘ohh how long have tut been married, where was the night doo?’😳😳

@terfinginthevoid

i don't want to be married. I have been using the title Mrs for years, as its the correct title for an adult woman, and its much more subversive for an unmarried woman to use 'Mrs' rather than 'Ms'. I often refer to DP as my husband in social situations where its the quickest way to convey the social nature of our relationship (we consider ourselves partners for life, we have been living together for years, and have children). Its really doesn't affect anyone else that we're not legally married, so its not their business. And while I can see that some women are taking an economic risk by having children with a man outside marriage, I earn enough that its not an issue for me. So Yanbu.

Incorrect. Mrs is the correct title for a married adult woman.

You are an unmarried adult woman, and so you are Miss whether you like it or not.

Personally @terfinginthevoid I'd prefer my marital status to remain private much as men can.

It really irks me that women by default, have to advertise it whereas men don't 🙄

Sorry the 🙄 wasn't directed at you @terfinginthevoid - it was just a general eye roll!

You are an unmarried adult woman, and so you are Miss whether you like it or not
No, that’s not the case
Mrs denote marriage
Miss denotes unmarried.
Ms can be used for an adult female it is appropriate and is applicable whether married or not

There’s nothing subversive about pretending to be married, assuming the nomenclature of a moribund institution is not subversive.Its passive and seeking the social approval that Ms is not always afforded

I have never pretended to be married. Historically 'Mrs', short for 'mistress' was the title for an adult woman. It became associated with marital status as women were not considered to achieve adult status until they were married.
Single adult women using the title 'Mrs' subverts the system of assigning women titles associated with their marital status. Using 'Ms' doesn't change the system, it is just a declaration that you are opting out of it.

No you’re v much opting in. it’s a declaration That you’re pretending to be married to have the social approval conferred upon married women

You’re not subverting Anything by choosing to use a title inappropriate for you. No one hears Mrs and thinks ahhh clever game playing by that single woman, pretending to be married

@Treatscatscrave

I've never heard a better argument against marriage than your post!