To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

I have never known anyone have difficulty with the word partner. And as gay people can get married and have husbands or wives why would someone assume sexuality from any of the terms?

@SentientAndCognisant

Quite frankly if I was wealthy with assets I’d not get married

This ^

My friend has just been taken to the cleaners by her exdh.

I wouldn't live with someone without either being married first or at least having the wedding agreed and arranged first. And I wouldn't have children with someone unless I was married to them. Unless- I was a wealthy enough individual to not require financial support for self or children.

@Bluesheep8

It’s not difficult to work out what to call himIf you’re not married you have a choice of boyfriend or partner. Neither has an age limit.

I don't think boyfriend accurately describes someone I've lived with for 23 years. For me, a boyfriend describes someone you're dating. I used to refer to him as partner but that led to everyone in a previous workplace making the incorrect assumption that I was in a same sex relationship. So I think it IS difficult to work out what to call him. Not for myself, but for other people.

You don’t think boyfriend is accurate but you think husband is? He could be your boyfriend, but he isn’t and cannot be your husband unless you get married/civil partnership.

Partner doesn’t have any sexuality connotations either. So again, partner or boyfriend.

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start

There was no judgement. The poster was stating a legal fact.
It’s awful that unmarried couples are not afforded the same rights married ones, but that’s the law of the land (England)

I have never known anyone have difficulty with the word partner. And as gay people can get married and have husbands or wives why would someone assume sexuality from any of the terms?

I don't know why they would. All I know is that this particular group of people did.

I also hate using the term 'boyfriend' or 'partner'. I've got a similar set-up, as his family live abroad. We'd have been married this summer had it not been for Covid, as he doesn't want to get married without them being here (fair enough). But I still refer to him as DH on here, and I don't correct trades- or other people if they use the term 'husband'.

And before everyone jumps on my back: no, I don't go around telling friends and acquaintances we're married. I only say it here on MN and don't bother to correct people I'm never going to see again (hotel staff, waiters, etc).

It’s awful that unmarried couples are not afforded the same rights married ones, but that’s the law of the land (England)

BathshebaAndGabriel That’s such a ridiculous statement. If you’re not married why should you get the privilege and rights of being married? It’s a legal declaration.

For their own protection as well, unmarried couples shouldn’t be forced into any legal ramifications.

Sorry OP, but if you referred to your partner in front of me as your husband and I knew you weren’t married, I would correct you. I think it makes a mockery of marriage. You don’t get to use words related to certain things just because you “feel” like it.
I don’t like this trend of calling people something they clearly aren’t.

It’s awful that unmarried couples are not afforded the same rights married ones, but that’s the law of the land (England)

😂 Don’t be silly. If they want the same rights, they have the choice of getting married. What would even be the point in getting married if it made no difference to not being married? 😂

@joystir59

I wouldn't live with someone without either being married first or at least having the wedding agreed and arranged first. And I wouldn't have children with someone unless I was married to them. Unless- I was a wealthy enough individual to not require financial support for self or children.

Are you me? 😀

I get this Op, in my opinion it doesn't really matter what you call him. As long as you know what your legal standpoint is you can call him whatever you like. There are some very sanctimonious posters on here. I've been with my partner years, engaged for a few, we have a child, own a home, have legal doc inc wills in place but we just haven't got around to getting married yet. I don't really see what difference marriage would make you us?

People call him my husband all the time and I do try and correct them and say partner but sometimes I just can't be bothered. We'll get around to the wedding one day, but I'm just not that into the whole wedding thing. I think it's an awful waste of money.

You are not married, he is not your husband. Does it really matter though? I also don't quite get why people are engaged for years...

I wouldn't have children without being married either.

I have two kids by two different men. It would have been a disaster in every way for me & my son to marry his dad, that really would have made us/me vulnerable. He was an unemployed waste of space who didn't offer any type of support. DP is the daughter of my younger child & is an excellent father and partner but I earn more and have greater assets. Marrying would also create a complicated inheritance situation for my elder child. So marrying either man would make me vulnerable. It's annoying when people pedal out the old line about unmarried mothers automatically being vulnerable when they're not, it depends on their situation. I don't need anyone's pity.

I would call him the man I’m engaged to. Simple. No need for a lie.

I would however get registered office marriage (when allowed) and then hold a party where your family and friends watch you make promises to each other (after covid transmission reduces & we could party again). Basically hold the wedding part later. I would hurry up getting married if you want to be each other’s legal next of kin. I have no idea if you could do this without getting married.

After so many years together it would suck not to be legally widowed.

What sort of person these days actually marries because their primary reason is they love each other? Answer: the naive/foolish ones. Let's face it, a lot of people marry because of financial protection (or perception of) or indeed gain should the marriage not work or something awful happen. Nothing wrong with that. Well the gain bit I would argue is wrong but I'm possibly in the minority. Some people also marry because they want more control and not always for good reasons.

"I don't really see what difference marriage would make you us?"
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

"I'm just not that into the whole wedding thing. I think it's an awful waste of money."
Where I live, it costs £316 to get married in the registry office. And it's only £167 if you have a religious ceremony that the registrar attends. Either way, I think it's a small price to pay for the legal and financial protection of marriage.

Each to their own, though.

I'll.give you a different POV. We're not married (but we'll do it in April). We own a house (jointly) and have a baby. I do call him my husband and he calls me wife (not regularly but it would.be a lie to say we don't). We don't correct people either.

Here's where it gets interesting. My family isn't British and they all call him "husband" "in laws" etc... So I do think it's a cultural VERY British thing to some extent.

If there's legal protection upon marriage... how is my ex-husband remains in the half a million family home seven years post-divorce whilst myself and my two kids (whom I have half of the time) remain in a small private rent.
The answer is because he is a narcissistic financial whiz and accountant.
Don't marry one of those!

@AnotherEmma I don't really see your point? We have our finances in order inc my own savings, life insurance and we have wills in place. To me these are those most important things to protect our child. We will get around to it one day.

Sorry OP, but if you referred to your partner in front of me as your husband and I knew you weren’t married, I would correct you.

Would you? Really?

Weddings are an awful waste of money. As I've said dozens of times before on MN, the wedding industry has done people a huge disservice by pushing the idea that a wedding has to be perfect, has to be expensive, has to have a huge guest list etc etc - all to increase their own profits, it's got sod all to do with making the couple and their guests happy!

Many people have bought into this notion that they can't get married until they can afford to have to have a huge wedding and so they put it off for years and years. Long before they get round to it, they already have children and may have bought a home together. Unfortunately along the way a good many of these couples split up. Some of these unmarried partners (both female and male) then find themselves in a very bad position financially. They trusted the other spouse and find that trust was misplaced.

In other cases, one partner dies before they get round to getting married and the surviving partner finds they don't inherit and they don't even get to arrange the funeral. (Avoidable if you make a will, but lots of people don't.)

Having a marriage certificate doesn't guarantee financial security, but it does make both spouses' legal position very clear. All it takes is a 15 minute visit to the Register Office and whatever a licence costs these days - not much compared with getting a solicitor to draw up all the legal documents you would need to get the same protections automatically given when you marry. (And you can't get all of them. Some tax benefits only go to married people.)

You can go for a civil partnership nowadays if you're put off by the word marriage.

Forget the wedding if you can't afford it, sort out the marriage/civil partnership. Then you know where you stand.

@BathshebaAndGabriel It’s awful that unmarried couples are not afforded the same rights married ones, but that’s the law of the land (England)

Not ridiculous at all. I would hate for full marriage laws to be applied to my relationship just because I had started dating someone.

How would it work for a man who had children with multiple women?

When cheating occurs, which is the “real” relationship.

Legally solemnising relationship should be someone entered into voluntarily.