To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Again though, watch out if your h2b is a narcissist. It gives them custody rights to your kids which may not go in the best interests of the children.

@maskingforit countries that have "de facto / common Law " marriages have a lot of regulations. It's not like you move in and that's it!

It's usually after two years of living together (that has to be proven anyways) or having a child together. Most people IME use it more than anything for pensions and insurance policies.

There's an interesting sexist double standard on threads like these. Here's a fictional example that should make it clear.

Sam and Alex are partners. Sam moves into Alex's flat. Alex is the higher earner. They have a child. Sam takes a career break to look after the child. The relationship breaks down, and Sam moves out. If Sam takes the child, Alex would have an obligation to pay child support, but Sam has no claim on any of Alex's assets, because they aren't married.

On MN, if we specify that Sam is female and Alex is male, Alex would be the villain of the piece. No right whatsoever to protect his assets from Sam. Alex would never have got to where he has without Sam's support, childcare and 'wifework'.

Say instead that Alex is female and Sam is male, from the responses on this thread people will say that Alex is entirely within her rights to protect her assets from a cocklodger like Sam. For Sam to leave with nothing is the right result.

They can't both be right.

@Miseryl Absolutely agreed. My first husband was very wealthy but screwed me overy completely. Financial protection of marriage? Nah. It also meant he got 50/50 of our children which categorically was not /is not in their best interests.
I am in a similar position to you in that I am now engaged to a man who is a lower earner and has less earning potential. Should we marry and then divorce that puts me (and my boys) in a very vulnerable position. I will have put down the large house deposit by myself alone (with no contribution from OH) to risk losing the house.
In fact, when I marry it will be more for love and less for money! Being totally honest, it was the other way around the first time and I will regret that mistake until the day I die.

If you are so keen to call him your husband then why not have a quick civil wedding? Words have meanings. He isn't your husband. If you want a husband get married.

Just do it if you like. I too hate the term partner, fiance or boyfriend.

OP, you should spend some time reading posts on the relationships board before deciding marriage is a piece of paper.

Women who build their lives with men, who share a home and a family, and often make career sacrifices to look after kids, and who find the relationship breaks down 20 years later fall into two camps: the married ones, who will be able to keep a roof over their heads and the unmarried ones who can suddenly find themselves with no home, no means of supporting themselves and no claim on their ex partner to reflect the years of unpaid labour they put in.

Please don't enter into marriage because you like the sound of the word husband over fiancé! Call him by his name.

I must fall into Camp 3 @Bvop?

@WingingItMumma

Ok when I say it's 'just a piece of paper' I'm well aware of the 'significance of marriage' and the legalities, and I'm not talking about anything legal, I'm talking in general conversation with people. "I'd love to paint the lounge bright pink but I think the husband might have something to say" - it's not that deep.

I hope I don't sound too harsh...but it sounds to me like you're feeling insecure that he hasn't married you yet.

Yes, referring to him as your husband when he's not legally your husband, is weird imo.

It could open up some seriously weird conversations if you were to say husband to someone, ie work collegue, new mum friends etc...."aww how long have you been married?" Urmmm we're not actually married. Cue awkward silence.

I just used to say Partner, as I agree Boyfriend sounded too informal for someone I cohabited with and had two children with. Then was excited to be able to say husband, once we had actually legallly married.

Just say partner, or 'other half'

@lionobserving

That's good *@AllFanjoAndNoSnickers* but a quick glance down the thread here shows most people didn't do the same.

Lots of "OP could lose her house if her partner dies" etc. Frankly to think getting marriage is more important than ensuring you & partner are both legal owners of house / assets is very bizarre to me.

By all means protect yourself. And your family. But the dialogue in this thread is so condescending and pays no mind to the fact that women can be the higher earners and women can (AND SHOULD) legally protect themselves well beyond marriage.

Yes, that also makes sense @lionobserving

I think in the OP's case, she would be the vulnerable one if they split up (and, let's face it, it is mostly women who end up in this position).

If I ever re-married (which I have no plans to do at the moment), I would only do so if everything to do with assets was set out in such a way that anything that belongs to me would be returned to my children in the event of my death, and vice versa for my imaginary future husband.

Call him what you like. But he's not your husband.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Well in my case it's my fiancé that is keen to marry but I'm like no you're OK thank you. Made that mistake before!

Genuine ask....why did you bother to get engaged then, if you have no intention to get married?

Thread is primarily about women being well informed and making a choice knowing the pro/cons of that decision

Marriage has deep and multifaceted societal and religious connotation, but for sure imo it is primarily a legal union to protect and apportion assets. I’m not in the least sentimental about marriage, I have never wanted to be married. I’m a great guest though, I can cry on cue,I eat whatever I’m served without complaint, I’ll dance to any disco or band. you can seat me next to any guest and I’ll keep a conversation going. Wedding list,cash I’ll do what you request without complaints

Get me started about common law, pieces of paper and I have plenty to say

I have no moral or social stance on cohabitating

I get where you're coming from because I used to do it. Not to friends or anyone that knew us personally but sometimes it was just easier saying husband rather than boyfriend. Our wedding kept getting cancelled over lockdown so the fact he should have been my husband but wasn't did hurt. We are married now and it feels good calling him husband because he officially is now.

Why not just refer to his name?

I would find this very odd if I later found out you weren’t actually married.

People you aren’t gonna see again, tradesmen...etc who cares? Call him whatever but for everyone else in your life then calling him your husband is technically lying about quite an important legal technicality.

For example, were he in hospital you’re not automatically his next of kin and calling him your husband would cause all kinds of confusion.

The people who say ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ in my experience haven’t managed to get that ‘piece of paper’ and therefore like to repeat loudly how it ‘doesn’t matter’ I can promise you from years working in law that A) it’s not just a piece of paper but a binding legal contact with significantly different rights and entitlements to being just partners. B) It 100% does matter and almost always in situations which leave women in the shit.

Just say husband to be, which he is

@MissAHannigan

Its a statement of fact to point out how vulnerable you are as an unmarried mother, not a judgement.

Op hasn't disclosed her financial / housing / employment position so actually I think it it judgemental to point out she's vulnerable when actually she might not be at all.

I'm not yet married (should have been in July!) But I'm in no way bloody vulnerable because I earn my own money and we jointly own the house and I could happily survive on my own with my child.

The oh poor pathetic unmarried mum thing doesn't describe everyone.

@nosswith

Why not just refer to his name?

Probably because not everyone knows him.

People are being ridiculous on this thread. There's no suggestion that OP is planning to lie in official situations like at the bank or with the police, she's just thinking of using 'my husband' as an expression meaning that he is similar to a husband. People saying she's not entitled to are being quite strange, like it takes something away from them or something.

People do this kind of thing all the time e.g. 'in-laws' for families that are not related by marriage, saying 'sister' or 'brother' for what is in fact a half-sister or step-brother. It doesn't matter!

Not sure if OP will return but I have sympathy about the words between boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife all being a bit rubbish. Partner always feels a bit awkward (like you're having to make a point that your relationship is serious) and fiancé(e) is maybe more precise but sounds bit fussy as a result. The last wedding we went to, the groom said as much in his speech - how glad he was to leave all the awkward references aside.

I settle for using DP's name even if people have no idea who he is . Roll on better times when we can all go ahead with our postponed weddings and just be husbands and wives in peace!

The oh poor pathetic unmarried mum thing doesn't describe everyone.

I never said she was a poor pathetic unmarried mum. 🤷‍♀️

@MissAHannigan

The oh poor pathetic unmarried mum thing doesn't describe everyone.

I never said she was a poor pathetic unmarried mum. 🤷‍♀️

I never directed it at anyone specifically but the judgement is there.

No, the judgement really is not there. It has nothing to do with morality and everything to do with sound principles related to legal protections.

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

No, the judgement really is not there. It has nothing to do with morality and everything to do with sound principles related to legal protections.

Yes but did you consider she might be better off than him and it's actually him that needs the legal protection? No.