To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Call yourselves whatever you like, other people can’t police that.

I get referred to as husband quite a bit, as he can’t use sambo in the UK for obvious reason.

@Candyfloss99

I'd call him "my lover". "my lover doesn't like this paint" sounds so much better than husband.

It certainly sounds much more interesting than "husband".

Have been with DH for 20 plus years, no kids. I call him my husband. Other people call him my husband and I don’t correct them. We wear wedding rings, after exchanging our own vows. I’m a little unconventional yet practically minded, so we have wills were each is the main beneficiary and we both have power of attorney for the other. We jointly own our home, no mortgage. We both earn good money. Neither of us want to get married but I feel we are both sufficiently protected should something happen to either of us.

OP call him what you like. It’s your relationship after all. But don’t be naive to the fact that a husband in name only is not the same as a husband in law.

If we had children I think we’d be married. Maybe...

i have been with my partner for 17 years, we both lost our husband and wife young...me at 39, we never wanted to get married, he has his house and i have mine, i correct anyone who refers to me as his wife, the only time it has caused a problem is when he has been in hospital, he now tells them to give me any info i ask and i have done the same, we don't own our houses or have bank accounts but if you do it would be best to get married....even if it is just a piece of paper

Common law husband (is that expression still used, haven’t heard it for a while?)

He's not your husband though, he's no relation to you at all.
And engagements are broken all the time. That's pretty meaningless too unless you've set a date and are planning.

@Notarealmum

Common law husband (is that expression still used, haven’t heard it for a while?)

Me either. It used to be a thing decades ago, where everyone thought if you lived together for a period of time you suddenly were married under “common law” and had rights.

But the internet happened and of course everyone came to know it was an urban myth, there was no such thing in law, so obvs people stopped saying it.

So I was surprised to see it pop up and so vehemently too.

I think the simple label 'husband' works perfectly for describing him to passing public acquaintances as you suggest. You don't want/need to start going into specific details about your precise legal relationship status.

'Husband' does the trick.

And some cultures would respect you less if you said 'boyfriend' instead of 'husband'. And it's none of their business. So say 'husband'.

Well it doesn’t describe him perfectly. As he’s not her husband.

We have been engaged for 7 years, and have two kids and a mortgage. If someone refers to my husband I don't necessarily bother correcting them, but I'd never describe him that way myself.

We both hate the word fiance so just use partner. He is certainly way to old to be a boyfriend 😂

DP and I have been together 24 years, lived together for 23 of those. I tend to say husband as it's simpler than trying to work out what else to call him. Most people just assume we're married anyway.

And he's too old to be a boyfriend, likewise me a girlfriend

The piece of paper is important as it means you have financial rights and next of kin rights. Both of which could be something really important in later life or sadly if he dies.

But calling him your husband is a non issue!

@Nicknamegoeshere

Well in my case it's my fiancé that is keen to marry but I'm like no you're OK thank you. Made that mistake before!

So why get engaged ?

I think personally everyone should be in a civil partnership from around 5 years + unless postponed or disputed
No thanks, I prefer the opt-in approach when making a serious legal commitment

I don’t think it really matters. If you were talking to a tradesperson or shop assistant and you referred to him as your husband they’d be none the wiser so who cares. If you referred to him to someone who knew you weren’t married then that would be odd. It’d be really awkward conversation if they offer congrats did I miss the wedding etc and you have to say then that you call him your husband even though he’s not.

@Bluesheep8

DP and I have been together 24 years, lived together for 23 of those. I tend to say husband as it's simpler than trying to work out what else to call him. Most people just assume we're married anyway.

It’s not difficult to work out what to call him If you’re not married you have a choice of boyfriend or partner. Neither has an age limit.

My mother has lived with her partner for over 40 years. She's late 60s, he is early 80s. Calls herself Mrs Hisname. Never married. I'm assuming she will be screwed when he dies and leaves what he has to his son and grandchild.

[quote SentientAndCognisant]@Nicknamegoeshere fair enough, I thought I’d read you had misgivings[/quote]
You did.

OP I have recently been widowed. Because we were legally married the transfer of my dear wife's pension benefits to me was very simple and straight forward. Otherwise I would have had to provide a lot of documentation to prove we had been financially interdependent. She had also written a will. This meant that monetary assets were transferred without the need for probate. You and your child are in a potentially legal and financially vulnerable position whatever you choose to call your partner.

Living with someone no matter for how long does not provide any legal or financial protection or rights. You are not that person's next of kin and even if they will their entire estate to you, their biological next of kin would have the right to contest the will.

@nexus63

i have been with my partner for 17 years, we both lost our husband and wife young...me at 39, we never wanted to get married, he has his house and i have mine, i correct anyone who refers to me as his wife, the only time it has caused a problem is when he has been in hospital, he now tells them to give me any info i ask and i have done the same, we don't own our houses or have bank accounts but if you do it would be best to get married....even if it is just a piece of paper

Sorry bit off topic but you don’t have bank accounts??

I think personally everyone should be in a civil partnership from around 5 years + unless postponed or disputed

No no no. It absolutely should not be a default arrangement.
I do not want to be married to someone just because I've lived with them for 5 years. And I do not want the aggro that would come with 'opting out' of such an arrangement. Being married comes with a whole set of responsibilities and provisions that I just don't want. I'd do something ridiculous like move out for six months (or whatever) to avoid it.

It’s not difficult to work out what to call himIf you’re not married you have a choice of boyfriend or partner. Neither has an age limit.

I don't think boyfriend accurately describes someone I've lived with for 23 years. For me, a boyfriend describes someone you're dating. I used to refer to him as partner but that led to everyone in a previous workplace making the incorrect assumption that I was in a same sex relationship. So I think it IS difficult to work out what to call him. Not for myself, but for other people.