To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

@SentientAndCognisant It's not strictly a prenup but a legal agreement which states conditions Upon Divorce. Any house we purchase will be solely in my name and I seek to protect my children.

@Nicknamegoeshereim not being funny,get advice and read up on the terms you use
Irrespective of whether it’s your individual house at the point of marriage that house you solely own,becomes a joint asset. That’s his marriage works

@LadyFelsham - Heavens, I'm no law expert, but I imagine there are ways to safeguard goods for children of previous marriages. However, why on earth would our fictitious widow live with a man for 15 years if she didn't think of him as her equal partner? Surely people live together for the same reasons as they get married, because they love each other.

He isn't your husband though. I appreciate you expected to be married by now but you are not. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. There is no judge from me about you having a child without being married but don't use a term you are not entitled to use.

I'm in a very similar situation. 2 children out of wedlock (the horror) and long term engagement, in fairness wedding was planned and booked but - covid!
I wouldn't refer to other half as husband yet as I'm looking forward to doing that when we actually are husband and wife. Same as I wouldn't say merry Christmas in October.

However quite often if people mistakenly say "your husband" or "Mrs his surname" I don't correct them, just because normally it's the postman or someone who doesn't really care or need to know.

Don't be discouraged by the judgement of people when your an unmarried mother on here. MN seems to have real issues with it! 😂

He isn't your husband if you are not married. Nothing wrong with referring to him as partner or fiancé. If you want a husband get him to marry you.

@runningonemptyfulloflove, this thread is about the half truths & nonsense people hear or believe about
Nok
Common law husband/wife
Just a Piece of paper
And debunking those myths

It’s not a pearl clutching oh hark at her thread

@runningonemptyfulloflove

I'm in a very similar situation. 2 children out of wedlock (the horror) and long term engagement, in fairness wedding was planned and booked but - covid! I wouldn't refer to other half as husband yet as I'm looking forward to doing that when we actually are husband and wife. Same as I wouldn't say merry Christmas in October.

However quite often if people mistakenly say "your husband" or "Mrs his surname" I don't correct them, just because normally it's the postman or someone who doesn't really care or need to know.

Don't be discouraged by the judgement of people when your an unmarried mother on here. MN seems to have real issues with it! 😂

I can't say I have any problems with unmarried parents just can't work out the logic of having kids then talking about marriage then stamping a foot because you are not being called husband / wife when your not.

If marriage was that important why not get married before kids if it is that much of an issue?

Nothing wrong with not being married but if your not your not no one else cares

@seayork2020 that's good you don't have a problem with anyone else's relation status. It's funny how some people do! What a weird old world we live in.

@SentientAndCognisant if you aren't judging her (which I didn't say you were and you quite possibly are not), you wont feel the need to defend the fact no one is judging her. So let's all be thankful we can let go of our pearls!

@runningonemptyfulloflove I’m not actually defending or judging anything,I’m making an observation

I’ve habitually read the same themes on mn, read the same inaccuracies multiple times
Simply want women to be well informed in whatever choice they make.

@SentientAndCognisant couldn't agree more. And it's so worrying how many woman seem to believe if they are married they'll have guaranteed security financially, should they split up from their husband. I bet a lot of divorced mothers would shed some light on that not always being the case!

I read this post and thought of it more in the sense of "would a rose smell as sweet" "what's in a name". But a lot of the replies where about legal rights and what not, and I just didn't feel (in my opinion) that was what OP was really asking 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Congratulations on your baby. Nobody will care if you don't correct your husband to significant other.

Try to enjoy this time, it's a real blessing

I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick

Baby daddy it is then

I definitely wouldn't call him your husband if he's not.
My parents pretend to be married because my dad is still married to someone else so I might be biased lol

I don't think you need to correct people who call him your husband either. When me and my ex split and got past the horrible phase and moved towards being friends we still went on days out with the kids and we had many awkward moments where people assumed we were a couple and would tell my ex to "hold onto her" lol....now THAT was awkward!

And it's so worrying how many woman seem to believe if they are married they'll have guaranteed security financially, should they split up from their husband.
No one believes that Marriage = Financial Security, what it does mean is Access To Assets which is really important to women if they take time out of their careers to have children.

if his brothers are abroad and unlikely to be able to attend a wedding for some time then just get on with a cheap, simple, registry office ceremony and have a party at a later date.

Good idea. This isn't about shaming single mothers -- it's to protect you and your child. You are legally and financially vulnerable while you're not married.

It sounds to me like you really want to be married. I would just speak to your DP and consider going to the registration office and just doing it! It is primarily a legal commitment (which I think why calling someone your husband who isn't seems strange).

For what is worth, I often refer to my parents in law in passing rather than for example, `my longterm partners' father and his longterm partner'. Just makes it easier! But I would never call my DP my DH.

Call him what you want as long as he's in agreement. I'd tend to refer to him as "my partner"!

Don't be discouraged by the judgement of people when your an unmarried mother on here. MN seems to have real issues with it!

Oh, please. Nobody gives a shit about that. It's when the "unmarried mother" clearly wants to get married but the guy comes up with lame excuses like "not without my brothers" that prior have an issue. Especially when

Oops, fat fingers. Especially when the old "common law wife" rubbish is trotted out.

@yoniandguy as a person that grew up catholic even I can say your comment is ignorant and wrong. Your husband is your husband paper or no paper. it is the sentiment. It is beyond petty that you would need a ceremony , I think personally everyone should be in a civil partnership from around 5 years + unless postponed or disputed

YABVU. He’s not your husband, regardless of whether you want him to be or not and regardless of whether you like the names of what he actually is (fiancé/partner).

You would of course be wrong to lie and say he is, or lie by omission and not correct people.

[quote Ghosts2020]@yoniandguy as a person that grew up catholic even I can say your comment is ignorant and wrong. Your husband is your husband paper or no paper. it is the sentiment. It is beyond petty that you would need a ceremony , I think personally everyone should be in a civil partnership from around 5 years + unless postponed or disputed[/quote]
No, honey, it’s not sentiment nor religious. It’s a legal term; he isn’t your husband unless defined as such in law.

It sounds like this subject has touched a nerve for you.